To have ruined brother’s engagement

[Illuminati12]

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

Why do you think you’re entitled to a reason?

The hosts didn’t want them there. End of.

Now you don’t have to accept an invitation where your partner etc aren’t invited, but you don’t just turn up with them regardless!

Wow! I'm almost impressed at how confident you and your future SIL are when it comes to stating and pushing for what you want. I can't imagine behaving like either of you.

I would send flowers and a letter of apology to her, telling her how truly sorry you are and that you know you have screwed up and you hope that she will allow you to make amends in future.

I would also apologise to your partner and his chn - you put them in an embarrassing situation.

I am curious about the bride's mum. Was she already aware of all the texts which had gone between you?

Also, had you told them that you weren't going to the meal or did you just not bother to go? (In which case, they presumably catered for you and maybe even waited for you before starting their meal which would have put a dampener on things for everyone and made it seem that you were dominating the entire proceedings??)

I'm also wondering why your brother couldn't have just told you quietly what the deal was as then you would have understood. That he didn't, suggests that there's quite a bit of history here.

Hopefully, you can all take the lessons here and move on.

See I wouldn’t class them as part of the family, not after 18 months and certainly not before living together.

OP, stop forcing your boyfriend and his family down people’s throats. And yes, do not expect that your boyfriends daughters will be invited to the wedding (if you are and if you get a plus one) - they are not family or friends of your brother and his fiancée.

If OP is always as rude as she is in this story then that may explain the gf reaction.

Your behaviour was so awful, op. From pushing for an invite for your partner and his kids, then not even going to the meal in some kind of strop because you couldn't all go? Then turning up uninvited.

What will you do at the wedding if only you are invited? Take dp, the kids and maybe DP's parents too? I'm sure they wouldn't want to miss out.

AS’d the OP to see if she is as,demented elsewhere - but alas she is a first time poster or name changer

Wish we could hear from SIL to be (or not to be)

It's all a bit weird, is there a bit of history here? You've been seeing this guy for 18 months is that pre or post your brother's fiancee being on the scene? Is there a reasons she hasn't met your DP's kids in that time? Have there been no family events since then?

I think you could have reasonably expected a bit more direct communication on this if it was so important. I can't honestly blame you for questioning it given that everyone else's families are invited. However you were told they weren't invited and it doesn't sound like your were very clear to them about how that made you feel (compared to your other siblings and their 'legitimate' partners and families). I think if you had been clearer it probably would have sorted itself out.

This suggest to me that you and your family are not on the same page regarding how they see your DP and his children. You clearly see yourselves together as more of a family than they do. It is probably time for a discussion about this to make sure that your views on this are clear to them, which hopefully will make them understand why you behaved the way you did. I certainly wouldn't let it lie.

Wow! I can't believe you did that. Your behaviour was really dickish.

Ruffian

I would consider 18 months still "boyfriend" and not life partner.

but I suspect that there is much more to the reaction than this one event.

daddy-OP only met the teenagers at Christmas

"She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way."

To be fair, the girlfriend's assessment of the situation sounds spot-on.

You wouldn't take no for an answer, didn't accept the invitation to the actual meal, and then turned up in her garden with 3 uninvited guests. The fact that it was an engagement announcement is just the icing on the cake.

Furx

They were rude about the invite in the first place

You were a bit rude to muscle in with strangers

The family were frankly bloody odd to suggest you ‚‘ruined‘ the moment

The girlfriend is a bloody loon

I’d avoid the damn lot of them. The wedding will be a farce and will end up with someone being arrested.

Totally agree with this. She sounds precious and rude. Then you should have just left them to it but I bet she is loving the attention and drama now.

I should say that I've got a bit of experience of this having been excluded from my DW's family weddings and events for quite a while after we were an item (talking several years) before we were married. It wasn't until my DW actually made it clear to them that she wanted me to be treated as a spouse that the penny dropped.

Why, after being told twice that partner's children weren't invited did you decide it was appropriate to turn up?

Inwould be furious with you as well, you were rude, selfish and inconsiderate.

Your db's fiancée may have overreacted but she was probably a combination of furious and upset.

I would send a card and an apology. Honestly I cannot fathom why you behaved the way you did.

“I suspect this isn't an isolated incident and that the OP has form, hence the GFs reaction.”

Yy

As Bluntness pointed out, op ended up not going after her multiple requests for a +3 were declined. Did you tearily and dramatically decline op? Or did you just not go? Either way all afternoon everyone will have been going ‘oh where is illuminati?’ Which was the entire point i expect.

Some big families are like that, there is always a huffy drama llama who ends up being the centre of attention of every big family get together for one reason or another. They generally tend to be super sensitive (crying and being sick?) while also incredibly thick skinned. Families learn how to communicate from one another so if op is like this because an older relative is also like this then chances are that is why the brother is marrying a huffy drama llama also, because in their family this sort of nonsense is in fact normal.

your brothers girls friend was very polite, explained clrearly who was invited who was not and compromised by saying she would be very happy to meet your bf and his children on another occasion. Yet you not only tried to get other people in the family to change her mind but when that didn't work you simply ignored her wishes and barged in. Im not surprised they are cross with you.

If you are so keen for your family to meet your new man then you should do the hosting, not muscle in on someone else's arrangement, especially when the hosts have been very specific about who is and who isn't invited.

You need to do a lot of grovelling.

i think you all sound mad
though OP i am with you a bit, as i think your db was rude not to include your partner and his children as they have met your family already and you have been together n18 months.
And if your DB felt that bloody strongly he didnt want them cus it was a special occasion then he should have quietly told you.
His GF reaction is soooooo way over the top..running upstairs in floods etc etc just cus her new soon to be sil has arrived after the meal with dp and two nice polite teens in tow is just utterly ridiculous.
FFS what is wrong with people.
and she wont get married if your invited...wtaf ????

Your SIL to be's reaction was OTT but they have every right and should be very angry with you.

YABVU

1. You text SIL repeatedly insisting on bringing your DP and kids. SIL telling you once was enough, you should of respected that.

1. You then text your DB despite SIL saying no.

1. You involved your mother.

1. You still bloody turned up with complete strangers!

I'd be fuming with you too and wouldn't be inviting you to things in the future.

I feel sorry for the 2 teenage girls.

You thrust them onto your family and into a really awkward situation only for them to overhear that they weren't invited, texts were produced as Evidence that they weren't wanted there and they were ushered away.

How on earth must they have felt?

And if your DB felt that bloody strongly he didnt want them cus it was a special occasion then he should have quietly told you.

Errr he did tell her and so did his GF multiple times!

BoneyBackJefferson - doesn't have to be 'life partner' does it (how many partners are life partner these days...) just 'partner' will do. Partner of a year and a half is pretty serious involvement and the op obviously feels that so it's massively rude to basically give the message that they don't count by excluding them from the 'do'

The original invitation was not rude - they are perfectly entitled toninvite whoever they want to their house and do not need to invite people they don’t know. They were clear and polite about it and also (although it wouldn’t matter either way) had a really good reason.

You are amazingly selfish to keep pressing them for an invitation for people they don’t know, you are childish to not go to the meal just because you couldn’t get your way and you are beyond belief to turn up with the uninvited, umknown people!!

They wanted their event to be about announcing their engagement, not about everyone meeting new children. If you wanted people to meet them host your own BBQ/dinner. You've gatecrashed their announcement with their friends and family, are you always this self centred? Are you going to turn up to the wedding in a white floor length gown. Good God OP how many times did they have to say no!

You have been with this man for 18 MONTHS, so he is your partner and his children are part of your life.

Yes, part of the OP's life not part of her brother or his girlfriend's life considering they haven't actually met any of them up to now. Today was not the day for it, the brother and girlfriend couldn't have made it any plainer but the OP disregarded what they were saying and what they wanted in order to push her own me, me, me agenda which inevitably backfired.

Am I the only one reading that the lunch was at 12:30 and they didn't go to the house till well after the meal finished at 4:30? So OP didn't crash the lunch at all, she literally popped by to say hello 4 hours later in good faith.

She rocked up with 3 people who she had be expressly told multiple times weren't invited. I don't think it matters if it was at the start or at the end!

Hang on, you turned up after the meal didn't you OP, so you've not done anything wrong as such. They said they couldn't accommodate you all as they hadn't entertained before, so you went after,

I think after being told multiple times her partner and kids weren't invited a text to say would it be ok if we pop in at the end would have been the polite thing to do. Or just listen to the people hosting they were clear if it had been about food then the hosts could have suggested coming later. They didn't it, in fact they couldn't have been more clear.

You shouldn't have brought them as they weren't invited and you were told so a few times even though I can't understand why they weren't invited but your brother and his girlfriend sound like proper dick heads who need a lesson in how no to be over dramatic twats.