MIL wants me out

[Lost111]

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

*We've got a lock, she kept "joking" about how she was going to come in during the night and take the baby.

Sorry, what? Why is your DP not pulling her up on shit like this? (not to mention the 'her baby' and 'her little girl' stuff).*

This. I would be so upset. Please either be really firm with MIL or leave. It's not on. DP needs to clue up.

You need to have a discussion about boundaries. If that doesn't work, you need to move out. There was another thread that started identically to this and escalated into all sorts of nastiness and court cases and the Mum being denied her baby.

Try to breast feed OP x

Wtf. Get the hell out of there.
She sounds insane for wanting to take over and have her baby. And your dp sounds shit for not sticking up for you.

You’ve in a very vulnerable place right now. It’s only been six days since birth. You should be getting support not ‘playful’ threats of taking your baby off you.

Get out of there. Tell dp you can’t cope with his mum. If that doesn’t give him the kick up the arse to sort shit out nothing will.

Sorry you’re going through this

Look her in the eye and thank her for all her help, but say that YOU need to bond with your baby , which means you need to spend the most time with her right now. Ask her how she can help you with this. That way you'll be setting boundaries, while still making her feel involved.

Nobody will take your baby away unless you are deemed a bad parent.

It’s not ‘crazy talk’. FGS the OP asked about where she stood legally and people told her.

Yes, breast feed! Can you get a health visitor to come to the house and talk to her in private?

I feel for you because you feel so threatened by your MIL. But it is your baby and she cannot do any more than overstep boundaries. You are legally entitled to walk out the door and never come back if you decide to so try not to scare yourself with worst case scenarios.

Everything FizzyGreen said.

If your DP can’t step up then you have to. Nothing can stop you taking your baby and leaving.

To all those saying this is an overreaction and hysterical. It’s common for these situations to escalate. At worst it could end up in a situation such as that, at best it sets a precedent for the future. Pretty grim all round.

Oh sweetie, big hugs and huge congrats on your baby girl!

Take a big calm breath. Some Grandparents go absolutely batshit crazy over the first grandchild. If she says something like "oh you look tired, here I'll help by taking baby" - just literally ignore that last part and answer "gosh yes I am tired, baby and I will go and lie down for a while thanks" big smile and GO.

What do you want? Really, right now, deep down? It is super scary to assert yourself, but you are worthy and it gets easier I promise.

Do you want to breastfeed? Did you want to during your pregnancy? If Yes, then forget what anyone else says and go for it. Tell your partner it's to help save money on formula ;)
If you are able to, call the hospital where you birthed and ask them to refer you to a lactation consultant.

You need to rest and recover. 6 days from a rough birth is no time at all. Rest is a priority. Is the cot/bassinet in your room? Just take your baby to your bed and lie together, skin to skin, and get to know each other. Take her in the bath with you. You can't cuddle her enough and you can't rest enough, that is your job right now.

Then when dp gets home from work, he can spend some time with his daughter and his mum.

In a few weeks you will feel better, MIL will hopefully settle down, and you'll be able to get out of the house again.

I'm wondering if there is some hormone issues here.

Your baby is only six days old. The mother in law has been away for a "few days". By all accounts it was a tough birth. So realistically she tried to take over in the first couple of days, possibly to help you get over the birth.

I think it's a bit premature to be thinking of leaving with your baby over this, and I'm surprised people are encouraging you to. Personally I'd let it settle down for a while. She may be over enthusiastic and you may be over sensitive and there is nothing nefarious here

I bet your mil encouraged bottle feeding. Ideal for her if she wanted to take charge.

If you’re not sure how to latch the baby on, I’m sure there are lots of videos or other advice out there. If your boobs are too hard, it may be too difficult for the baby to latch on. You would need to hand express a little milk first. Again. The internet is your friend.

Agree. Have a couple of weeks recovery at your mum's. Dp too if he'd like. Reassess then.

MIL is out of line. But for now just get somewhere peaceful and supportive.

Move to your mum asap, take only the essential, your DP can bring the rest later. You need a place where you feel safe and you can take care of your baby and heal.
It sounds like you can breastfeed if your milk came in. la Leche league is fab for breastfeeding support. You can also read online or watch videos about how the baby should latch (rugby hold was the easiest for me at the beginning but there are other holds).
Good luck OP.

I think a lot of posters are projecting their MIL issues and this won't help you. Looking from the MIL perspective, she has been supportive all through your pregnancy. You only gave birth 6 days ago, you had a difficult birth followed by a transfusion which must have been terrifying for all of you. Your MIL may have said to not worry about BF out of concern for you and she may be suggesting that she feed the baby so you can rest particularly given that this presumably happened in the day or two after you came home. Some of the posters seem to be suggesting that the MIL is in some sinister sort of way trying to take over - in which case why has she gone away for a few days. Surely she would be hanging around if she was trying to take the place of mum. So looking at the facts as presented, you've had a couple of days with your MIL at a time when you've just come out of hospital after a difficult birth. MIL has then left you and dh to it for a few days. The first few days home after having a baby can be quite emotional (they don't call it the baby blues for nothing) - I would suggest not doing anything drastic until you see how things settle down for the next week or so.

Just tell your partner...

No more visitors, you're not able for them

MiL has to STOP referring to the baby as hers.

MiL has to STOP making jokes about taking the baby, they're not funny and they're making you anxious

MiL has to back off

You're going to your mother's for a few weeks to recover from the birth, and bond with the baby.

This thread is bringing up so many unhappy memories for me :( But it all straightened out when I went home to my mother.

This is awful - yes your MIL is basically trying to shut you out of your own baby's life.

Get breastfeeding asap - you still can - and that will help. Do not let your MIL take the baby away from you, especially if she wants to bottle feed her because I wouldn't put it past her to do just that, so that the baby then won't take the breast.

Yes, move out. Just tell your DP that you need some space for a bit and that your mum will look after you and your baby, rather than just your baby and you need her. Start off with saying "it's just for a week" and then see how you go.

It's a really big red flag that your MIL has "taken ownership" of your baby by calling her "my baby" as well - next thing you know she'll be trying to get your DD to call her "Mummy" instead of you.

This is not ok. This is also NOT you being silly, having the baby blues or any of the other bollocks that she or your DP might be trying to sell you - she is way overstepping boundaries.

Don't forget that all of this, that's going on in your head, would be a complete shock to both your DP and your MiL. They don't know how vulnerable you're feeling, you need to be very assertive and keep telling them that you need time with your baby to bond, and you want to be with your mother.

I really do think you should go to.youe mum's and go before MIL gets back. There was another person on here who had an almost identical issue and it only got worse so better to nip it on the bud asap.

Practically speaking, are you married? If not, is the baby registered yet? If not, don’t register her for a while- her father does not have legal parental responsibility until you decide to give it to him.

Try to sort out in your head which things are big issues and which aren’t- then you can talk about the the big issues without getting bogged down in trivia.

For example, not giving the baby back the moment you ask is a big issue. Calling her “my baby” probably isn’t- lots of people do this. I call my nephew “my little boy”. Doesn’t mean I think he’s mine or want to kidnap him.

Google breastfeeding support groups in your area, get to one, and get them to help you latch your baby. If your boobs are so full of milk they're like boulders, then you certainly haven't left it too late at all.

Someone who doesn't want you to breastfeed just so she can feed the baby is NOT putting the baby's interests first. Someone who tries to take a newborn baby away from her mum is NOT putting the baby's interests first. You are her mum and she is at this point not really aware she's separate from you - she is six days old and you are literally her world. Support and help is wonderful; taking over is a short cut to post natal depression and she needs to grow up and recognise she is a grandmother and not the mum.

I would go and stay with your own mum for a while, just to establish your own sense that this is your baby and you are the one in charge. Perhaps after then it will work with your MIL and DP, perhaps it won't, but right now, I wouldn't even think about it at all. Just say you want your mum, and time with her and the baby. That's reasonable and ignore any efforts to say otherwise; you've just had major surgery and become a parent and if you need to take this step to be a good mum, then that is what is best for your baby. Don't take any big decisions right now, just get to your mum, and take it day by day. Feed your baby, change your baby, cuddle and enjoy your baby and rest. In a month or so you'll feel so much better and then you can decide what to do next.

And if your MIL does make you homeless, then the council have a duty to house you, as you have a young baby. Stop panicking that your DP and his mum can take the baby if they evict you; nobody will take a newborn away from a mum on maternity leave!

Honestly, reassure yourself that you are what your baby needs at this point in her very short life, and there is no way anyone can take her from you. Get supported, and if that means your mum, it does. And if you want to breastfeed, do it. Of course you still can.

It's all going to be fine, I promise. Becoming a mum is such a stressful time, though also amazing. Things will seem much simpler in a little while.

Lost, maybe you could go to your Mum's and DP stay at his Mums. You don't have to split up, you could move in together again when you can afford it. It doesn't sound like you feel comfortable where you are now, which is not helpful.

I do want to say though that if the baby is only a few days old, and your MIL has been away for a few days, then she may have tried to give you time together as a family? And if you had a terrible time at the birth, she may have suggested bottle rather than breast from concern for you.

Do go to your mum's, if you think some time being cosseted could help. But again, don't make any decisions at what is a hugely emotional point in your life. Just focus on the baby, and let yourself heal.

There's lots of jumping to conclusions and usual MIL hatred here. OP it's been six days, you had a hard labour, you and MIL are finding your feet, she can't be that overbearing to have gone away a few days after you gave birth. She might think she's being helpful eg I'll feed you sleep/shower , my DM ended up consoling a defeated DIL who tried BF ended up with mastitis and was in a lot of pain, DM (her MIL) essentially have her a push to bottle feed. SILs friends were very judgey and pressurising her to keep BFing, SIL now says it was the best choice she made, DN is fit and well, gained weight properly after the swap and SIL was no longer in the verge of a nervous breakdown. None of that means your MIL has handled things well but she's new to this too. If she was lovely during your pregnancy give it a go before moving an hour from your DP to live with your DM who
you've said you're not close to. BF if you want to and can and then only you can feed, you've got an end date to this arrangement in the not so distant future, don't make any knee jerk reactions

I have had this.... get out asap and do not give or leave your baby with her! Tune into your intuition...what is is telling you? Listen to it! Don't live to regret it like i did, 11 years later. This woman obviously thinks she can do a better job that you and has NO respect for you. If i could turn back my clock, i's have runaway a long time ago.

Go to your mums even if it's only temporary. You need some space with your newborn. And your body needs time to heal. A little bit of time and space away from this situation will help you feel less vulnerable and stronger. Also, with breastfeeding I found that it was something my newborn and I learnt together. I had to figure out how to breastfeed with the right support and dd had to figure out how to breastfeed. Interference from your MIL will make it harder. You need a safe place where you're not having to respond to this kind of behavior from you IL. It's going to be all ok. Sending hugs your way