MIL wants me out

[Lost111]

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

This situation may not be the massive catastrophe it understandably feels to you.
However, it would be perfectly reasonable for you to say to your partner and his mother that you are exhausted and you need to take your baby and go and stay with your mum for a few weeks to recuperate from the birth. No one could reasonably object to that. Hopefully your mum will take care of you, and once you have had some time of proper sleep and recuperation you will be in a much better position to think about the future.
Right now all you need to think about is the wellbeing of yourself and your baby. No one else.

OP if your milk has come in try getting your DD to latch on now. It’s a good reason to have some quiet alone time with her that no one could argue with.

Get a baby sling then she cannot just pick her up

I don't understand, you gave birth 6 days ago, your mil was away for a few days, so when has she been so impossible to live with? For about 2 days after you came home?

Get fierce
Feed your baby the way you want to, try breast feeding now while she is away

Lost tell your dp the situation isn't working for you and your mil either backs off or your going to bond with your baby alone.

Don't let it drop. The baby needs to bond with you not her.

Yes you can try and feed!

Just give it a go.

Love, you only gave birth 6 days ago.

You need peace to bond with your baby and heal, you need support as in people making you food and bringing you drinks.

Your baby needs... YOU. Just you. To sleep on you, to feed with you (be that bottle or boob). It is not good for a newborn to be passed around like a parcel. She knows your smell, your sound, your feel and that is where she feels safe. For now, even dad takes a back seat and THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE - early good attachment means being with mum, being unstressed, and - that's it.

Go to your mum's and get looked after.

Please people, be careful not to wind the OP up any more- she sounds very stressed and unhappy. But telling her that her mil is a controlling, awful potential child stealer is not helping. There is no evidence that she is from what the OP has said.

sparklepops123
Get a baby sling then she cannot just pick her up

Yes a baby sling. I had one and it was a lifesaver. Baby snuggles into you and you have your arms free to do things. I had back problems and my baby sling was very supportive with thick padded shoulder straps and made things so much easier.

^ what Fizzy says.
When you have her in your arms, to try and get her to latch on, try having your favourite music on (headphones?) to help you relax.
And a second vote for a sling here. Not only will it stop her being randomly ‘picked up’ but it’s great for bonding and lovely for your DD to be so close to her mum

What does your Health Visitor think of his OP .. can you ask her for help and support

Tell your HV, get a sling and start breastfeeding, then get the hell out of there!

If your only reason not to go to your mum is that your husband has to travel, he does not have to go and stay at your mum’s too. It seems to me that you need some time to establish breastfeeding and to recover from the birth. If you can do that at your mum’s I really would go there, in spite of what your partner and his mother want. Are you registered with a gp? When is the health visitor coming to see you?
Don’t worry about them throwing you out, or accusing you of kidnapping the baby: all you are going to do is seeking some support from your own mother while mil has been away. Perfectly sensible: having your own baby makes you want your own mother, nothing more, nothing less.

A sling is a brilliant idea. Try to breastfeed, but DO NOT let her talk you into expressing milk.

If you had planned to bf, definitely give it a try, 6days is not too late at all! Find somewhere comfortable & relax & just keep trying to put baby to breast, it may take a little while, but it can definitely be done!

I would definitely consider going to your mums too, when I was pregnant my mil 'joked' about her, fil & my oh taking the baby & moving to another part of the country, oh told her to stop being stupid, he wasn't moving, he was staying where we were with me & our baby, she's barely seen any of my babies, she has no interest when she knows that she can't play mum with them!

Good luck

And no, you are not ‘depriving’ your daughter of her father. Think of how many men cannot be there at the birth and the first weeks of a baby’s life, because for instance they are in the forces or the merchant navy. Baby won’t notice and this is just until you can have your own place.

Please people, be careful not to wind the OP up any more- she sounds very stressed and unhappy. But telling her that her mil is a controlling, awful potential child stealer is not helping. There is no evidence that she is from what the OP has said.

This ^ ..im feeling overwhelmed just reading all the different responses. Poor op! Please dont do anything rash just have some very peaceful bonding time with baby..xx

For all those advising to speak to the HV - she's still under the community midwife as she only gave birth 6 days ago. They would be far more useful and I'm sure would have experience of mothers in less than ideal circumstances living with partner's parents.

Generally I ignore when AIBU goes a bit extreme but in this case i think it could be dangerous to wind up a vulnerable OP who is obviously struggling.

YES to the baby sling.

Amatullah well, it’s just as well it’s not your thread then isn’t it?.There’s no need to keep reading & posting if you’re so overwhelmed 🙄

People are advising that she goes to her mum’s so she can have peaceful bonding time with her DD instead of being stressed out by her MIL. It’s her mother’s, an hour away, not bloody mars fgs.

.

I think the best thing the OP can do right now for her own well being is to speak to her midwife. Explain how's she feeling and what's going on and hopefully she will advise the OP the best way to go with this.

@AnnieAnoniMouser
Yes and i mentioned that prior that she needs to get some space and go to her mums and rest. What i dont get is people saying things like dont register the father on birth certificate, run, pack your bags and get out now before its too late..that would overwhelm any new mother..

Maybe you could go and visit your mum with the baby for a couple of days. It doesn’t need to be as dramatic as moving out. You are entitled to visit your family. If DP wants to come he can travel to work for a few days or if he doesn’t want to he doesn’t have to.

It may be your hormones (not that your MIL sounds perfect) but it seems to me you could do with your mum not his for a bit.

Leave decisions on moving out until you feel a bit better.

Fine for her to go to her mother. But it’s a bit difficult to see how the mil has made such an impact in 2 days when she was nice before. So I think everyone should tread carefully.