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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL wants me out

545 replies

Lost111 · 03/06/2018 13:00

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lost111 · 03/06/2018 13:36

Are they able to stop me from taking her? What are her dad's rights? Is it basically kidnapping? (You can tell that I haven't had any sleep...)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lost111 · 03/06/2018 13:37

@PuppetOnAString milk's come in and my boobs are like boulders

OP posts:
MollyDaydream · 03/06/2018 13:37

So was it just the first couple of days that she was overbearing Lost?
Did she take the baby and tell you to get some sleep once, or more than once?

Get your DP to set some boundaries with her if you don't feel comfortable enough.

beetfarmer · 03/06/2018 13:38

Did your milk come in ok op? I think you can try to start breastfeeding but you might need help with it. Can you call your hv?
My plan would be

  1. Go to my mums
  2. Tell dp that he needs to support you and stand up to his Mum
  3. Get hv round

They can't take the baby away from you. You have just given birth, you need to be looked after and listened to. This isn't happening in your current situation so you have to leave. The most important thing for the baby is bonding with you. You must put your mental health before anyone else's - your baby needs you.

Cuffuffle · 03/06/2018 13:39

No it isn't kidnapping. If you think your DP is the kind of man that disapproves of his partner seeking support from her mother after giving birth and willing to try and go for custody (wouldn't happen) to separate a newborn baby from it's mother, then why are you with him???

Would he really try and stop you from going?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/06/2018 13:39

They cannot take her. IF they did you call 999 immediately but it's not going to happen.

Please phone your midwife today and ask her to come out to you. Tell her what's happening and how you're feeling.

MollyDaydream · 03/06/2018 13:39

If you haven't put your DP on the birth certificate yet then he doesn't have rights.
Even if you have, you can still take your baby to visit your mum - it's not kidnap.

sleepingdragons · 03/06/2018 13:41

If your baby is breastfed you have more rights. I don't think you're at risk of losing your baby but if it did come to it, the courts take it into consideration if the baby is BF.

Zampa · 03/06/2018 13:41

I feel so guilty about potentially separating the baby from her dad

My lo is 6 months old and she's only just worked out who Daddy is. I've been her world up until now (much to my frustration!). A week or two or more away won't hurt your baby.

beetfarmer · 03/06/2018 13:41

It's not kidnaping op. Even to have 50/50 custody he has to be around to physically be able to take care of her (he has to be around, not his Mum). And that wouldn't happen anyway, she's tiny.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 03/06/2018 13:42

No, you should be able to start breastfeeding still. Call around a few bf support groups tomorrow.

Move to your Mums. Your DD needs you to be calm and happy much more than she needs her Dad there every night.

DP can choose not to ignore your feelings and not move out of his Mum’s until September.

YOU can choose to move to your Mum’s. He doesn’t get to dictate what YOU do.

He can spend some nights at his Mum’s and some at your Mum’s.

You NEED to do what’s best for YOUR mental health and that’s not living with your MIL. She was nice while you were pregnant because you were carrying ‘her baby’ now you’re surplus to requirements. If you stay your relationship will be forever damage.

Amatullah · 03/06/2018 13:42

Okay so please dont do anything drastic or up and leave.. you have JUST given birth! You need to rest and so does baby.
Try and establish breast feeding, if not its okay but ensure you have as much skin to skin with baby as possible. This will limit mil interfering. Make a point and say its skin to skin time il have her back. Make a routine for your day. And give her a slot time. For eg. Im going to pop in the shower/make some lunch, once im done il take her back, thanks. That way she can still have sometime with baby but its when you say.

Be firm and explain to dp that if it does carry on i would prefer to stay at my mums for the mean time and you can travel on the weekend. This being last option.

MollyDaydream · 03/06/2018 13:42

It's seriously catastrophising to jump from MIL being a bit overbearing to taking babies/court battles.

sleepingdragons · 03/06/2018 13:44

The National BFing helpline are also good. They're open until 9:30pm every day on 0300 100 0212

You can call both La Leche League and NBFH on weekdays and weekends.

gamerchick · 03/06/2018 13:44

Ask your mum to come and get you. Tell your bloke where you are and to tell you when he's ready to get your own home.

He won't stick up for you and you'll find yourself a bag of nerves. Tell your mil that you've gone to your mother's for some support and she's welcome to visit the baby or you'll visit when you've recovered from the birth. This needs nipping in the bud now.

You can still breastfeed, it's not too late. You may need a bit of a hand with latching on though. Speak to your midwife.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 03/06/2018 13:44

If you had a transfusion she may feel that she needs to offer more help than she would if it had been a straightforward delivery (not that she should disregard your wishes to take care of your daughter!).

Were you kept in hospital after the delivery? If MIL has been away for a few days and you spent a couple of nights at hospital after the transfusion, there can only have been a couple of days at home for you all to get used to the new situation. If DH is around on paternity leave be clear with him about your wishes before MIL gets back and see how it goes.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/06/2018 13:44

Get some lanolin and take your time getting a good latch.

DarlingNikita · 03/06/2018 13:45

We've got a lock, she kept "joking" about how she was going to come in during the night and take the baby.

Sorry, what? Why is your DP not pulling her up on shit like this? (not to mention the 'her baby' and 'her little girl' stuff).

I think you should go to your mum's. At least that'll show your DP you are serious about being upset and unsettled by his mother.

slithytove · 03/06/2018 13:46

If your milk is there then put baby to the breast. If they are very swollen it can be painful at first - gentle massage under warm water e.g. in shower can get the milk flowing.

Be prepared to have no support as it will piss mil off and dh (I’m guessing) would rather keep her happy than you.

Your happiness = baby happiness at this stage. Please remember that.

BettyBaggins · 03/06/2018 13:47

If your boobs are like boulders get baby on them now! Now! Have a deep warm bath, my milk would often let down in the bath, and a good massage. You got this. When are due to see health visitor? Get them onside.

Go run that bath! Flowers

sleepingdragons · 03/06/2018 13:47

MollyDaydream sorry if I wasn't clear.

I also think it's very unlikely - but the OP asked about rights, she also asked about BFing.

Personally I'd find it reassuring to know there was something I could do, to strengthen my position if I was in a situation that made me feel so vulnerable.

I don't think that's catastrophising. It was meant to be empowering.

LML83 · 03/06/2018 13:47

Sounds like you are having a hard time.

Don't worry about rights, if you want to go to your mum's for a few days you aren't breaking up. Talk to DP explain your feelings and suggest a visit to your mum's, clear your head and come back.

Try to let MILs comments not bother you, if she is parenting to much be strong and say what is to happen. She is very unlikely to kick you out, if she did you won't be homeless you will go with the baby to your mum's until you and your partner make a better arrangement.

Cheeseandcrisps · 03/06/2018 13:48

My mil tried this I moved out I was saving for a mortgage but I couldn't stand being kept apart from my own child so i went to the council and was housed within a 2 weeks she was making me mentally unwell. We get on great again now because ive made my boundaries clear

Amatullah · 03/06/2018 13:49

Okay yeh missed a few of ops follow up posts..

Have a break at your mums for 2 weeks. Get some bonding time with baby..

But wtf alot of crazy posts talking about courts and custody. Guys its 6 days in its just an overbearing gp that doesnt know boundries.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 03/06/2018 13:49

No my love, it’s not kidnapping. You can happily take your baby to your Mum’s without worrying 💐. Truly.

Your milk is in and your boobs are like boulders...great, just start feeding her and hopefully you won’t evennneed help, but there’s plenty available if you do.

Go and pack your & DD’s things and tell your DP you are going to your mums, he can drive you (if he has a car?) or you will get a taxi/a lift.

Tell him it’s his choice to go with you to your mum’s or stay at his mums, but that YOU & DD are going before his Mum gets home. End of.

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