MIL wants me out

[Lost111]

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

Hi everyone,

I feel a lot easier now. I think I just needed my space with my DP and baby without being constantly badgered. I said to MIL that my DM invited us for a bit and would be able to help me recoup as well.

I also didn't realise at all how vulnerable I'd feel after giving birth, I honestly thought I'd be out and about by now! I can see how incredibly easy it is to fall into PND.

Thank you everyone for your support. I feel so much stronger now about saying no and not worrying about upsetting anyone.

@DragonMummy1418 DP isn't going to lose out on me or the baby. That's the last thing I'd ever want unless it was absolutely necessary. MIL will 100% have a relationship with the baby, I'd never stop that. I think I just didn't cope well in an overbearing situation.

She definitely says that it's incest. She's said it loads of times. I didn't think she was being serious! Turned out she was. Weird!

FIL isn't really too involved with the newborn stage, apparently. I think he just wanted to keep his distance unless asked. That's why I hadn't mentioned him.

I'm still in a lot of pain with the ruptured stitches. It's crazy that they can't do anything.

Thanks again, I am so grateful for the support.

"...the incest remark-which is so bizarre that i suspect it michynhave been a mishearing or a misunderstanding."

Please don't gaslight her. People have all kinds of abhorrent views, let's not make excuses here.

That's a great update. I hope you recover quickly and are getting the right kind of support from your mum

@PintOfMineralWater Tue 05-Jun-18 20:48:12
"...the incest remark-which is so bizarre that i suspect it michynhave been a mishearing or a misunderstanding."

Please don't gaslight her. People have all kinds of abhorrent views, let's not make excuses here.

^ Totally agree with you Pint. There were so many people on the thread calling OP "hysterical" that it was extremely disappointing. Why can't people just take the woman at her word? Why twist it? And guess what? OP was right and followed her instincts and sound advice.

When women tell you something, believe them.

I’m so pleased to read your update! Well done on removing yourself from the situation, not easy 6 days post-partum with ruptured stitches, boulder breasts and minimal sleep.
Hopefully your DP will appreciate the difference too and realise how unreasonable he was being.
You will have good days and bad days but enjoy your lovely little bundle!

OP Please give yourself a bloody big pat on the back for looking after yourself and doing what you needed to do.

I had the same issue with the ruptured stitches, they wouldn't re-stitch me either and left me to heal from the bottom to the top.

It took a good 2-3 months to heal.

The best bit of advice I've got is to cover the open wound with a tissue or wipe if its hurting when you're on the loo.. then once you're done, to get yourself straight in the shower and use the shower head to rinse and help keep it clean.

Get a nice big soft pillow to sit on too!

Op try nipple shields for breastfeeding they help with the latch.sorry to be random, just bf was my struggle and I feel passionate about it because bf made me feel more secure about bonding with my child .

Glad you are feeling better about things OP. You are doing a great job as a partner, mum, DIL etc.
Sounds like you actually need bed rest, or as close to it as you can manage. Your mw comment about your area looking like a donkey had kicked it is telling- could be the result of not getting enough rest / stress. I had the same thing with my c section wound. Was great first 3 days or so, but after row with Dh and in laws, them forcing me home (so mil could have more time with baby) and the distress it caused, I was suddenly black and blue from the waist down. Literally went from no bruising and a small wound, to looking like a car crash within 6 hours.
Keep looking after yourself, take it very easy, remember the more calm and rest you have now, the better you set up the foundation for you and dd. Of course any more probs, come straight back on here!

I'm very glad you are in a better place. I'm further than you post partum and I too was pretty floored by how emotionally vulnerable it makes you. I'm sorry to hear about the stitches and really wish you well for the upcoming weeks.

Glad you are in a better place OP.

Whatever your BF's mothers intentions (she's not your MIL - legally or emotionally, clearly), she was being bullish. You've just given birth, a traumatic one at that. She should be supporting you, not bullying you into things YOU are not comfortable with. And your BF sounds just as ridiculous. I hope he steps up now you're not staying there at the moment, and understands his first priority is you and the baby.

It will be good for the BF to be in an atmosphere where the OP is being looked after and treated with respect, rather than when she was trapped with him and his mother, with them ganging up on her. People magically start behaving better when there's someone around who won't put up with their shit.

My ex can still be obnoxious to my younger (now adult) DD when they're on their own, but is wonderfully fatherly and nice when her partner is present. She won't meet him (DF) nowadays unless her DP is there as well, as a moderating influence. I think it's just about the fact that they suddenly realise that someone else loves that person, thinks they're special, not just some old piece of shit who can be spoken to disrespectfully, and whose feelings don't matter. Sorry for garbled sentence...

Get a baby sling and keep your baby attached to you.

My ex mil was like this, worse actually.

Really pleased to hear you’re feeling better and stronger OP.

Can we stop all the ‘the mil hasn’t really done anything wrong’ posts now. The OP felt stressed, bullied, overwhelmed and unsupported which was doing nobody any good so she made a sensible decision to get some space. At the moment her needs and the needs of her baby are paramount and anyone who can’t see/support that needs to take a backseat. OP has explained the situation to her MIL. I just think it’s really sad that OP was clearly second guessing herself, completely lacking confidence and support in the situation and being made to feel that she was crazy, and yet people are happy on here to post ‘oh it’s fine, you’re overreacting’ type posts, surely likely to lead OP to doubt and question herself even more. If she was miserable she was miserable and had every right to remove herself from the situation whilst she gets to grips with having a newborn and healing from a dramatic birth - whether the MIL was ‘just a teensy bit overbearing’ or a controlling nightmare with sinister intentions.

Hi op, how are things now? I hope you’re enjoying your delicious new baby

Hope it's done you good having some control of your life at last.

I found at first I couldn’t say boo to my mil when it came to my baby. But then I got strong, mother bear came out in me. She’s my baby, I look after her, I protect her, I’m bringing her up. I have the say with my baby. She’s had her time. This is my time. My time to bond and build a loving relationship with my daughter. She’s the Grandma and needs to follow your rules. There’s no way she’d throw you out on the streets. She’d be throwing her granddaughter out to. Phone and speak to your health visitor. She can help. Also your mil can’t take your baby off you. That would be against the law and you can phone the police and report her for stealing your baby. She’d get into a whole load of trouble. You’re a first time Mam which is scary. But don’t worry, you got this. Do what you feel. Tell that old bag that from now on your feeding the baby, changing her etc. Because she’s your baby. It’s your way, not her way. If she’s not happy with that then you’re mil is a horrible person. Tell her to stop interfering and back off. Talk it over with your other half and health visitor. If you let your mil take over. She’ll never know her boundaries and it will get in the way of you and your daughter bonding. Be brave, kick arse, do it for your daughter and yourself. Protect your baby from the overbearing mil. She won’t kick you out.

I would call council to see about housing. You should be a priority. Good luck xx

Me too, My baby couldn’t latch because I have flat nipples. So I was given nipple shields and I’ve now been breastfeeding for nearly a year. I’m hoping to breastfeed as long as my baby is happy. I still use the nipple shields now.