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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants me out

545 replies

Lost111 · 03/06/2018 13:00

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

OP posts:
kingjofferyworksintescos · 03/06/2018 13:17

And yes to breast feeding , no need for mil to do any feeds then

HollowTalk · 03/06/2018 13:18

I would move back to my mum's pronto. If your partner wants to come with you, all well and good. You'll both have to just pay his fares.

I wouldn't live with anyone who was going to spoil my relationship with my baby.

supersop60 · 03/06/2018 13:18

Take the baby with you to the doctors - say it's a check up or something (or you could tell the health visitor - but you may not be private).
Tell the doctor what is happening - they may be able to point you in the right direction for help.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/06/2018 13:19

She has no right to keep your baby whatever she might tell you. I know it's not easy at this stage post partum but try to stay strong. This is your baby and you call the shots.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/06/2018 13:19

Leave! Seriously, it's shit like that, can lead to new mums getting PND.

For the sake of your own Mental Health, you gotta leave.

supersop60 · 03/06/2018 13:20

To the posters saying going to your mum's - OP said she doesn't have family.

Cuffuffle · 03/06/2018 13:20

Honestly I think you should just take your baby and run go to your Mum's. Your DP can stay with his mum and visit you on weekends? It's only until September so 12ish weeks? Things will only get worse, you need go do it ASAP!

Sparrowlegs248 · 03/06/2018 13:20

Breastfeeding would stop mil being able to feed the baby but it's not easy for everyone.

Try and have an honest sensible discussion with your partner. Tell him it's upsetting you to the point where you'd like to stay with your mum for a bit. Even if you had a few weeks away it would probably help your confidence a lot so you'd be able to deal with the situation. Although you probably wouldn't want to go back. Your dp should be supporting you in this

MollyDaydream · 03/06/2018 13:20

OK, you're only 6 days in and your mil has been away for a few days so it sounds like you might be anxious and catastrophising a bit.

Everyone is finding their feet still, so don't take one incident of your mil annoying you and being overbearing with the baby to mean she is plotting to kick you out and steal your baby.

If she was lovely to you while pregnant, then I would try to give her the benefit of the doubt - she may just be excited about her grandchild and clumsily trying to help?

eddielizzard · 03/06/2018 13:21

she has no rights whatsoever. if i were you i'd move back to your mum's. this isn't the right atmosphere for you to be able to connect with your baby. you don't need the stress or anxiety.

your dp needs to step up here. his family comes first now, not his mum.

ItsNachoCheese · 03/06/2018 13:21

Id try your utmost to find somewhere else to live your mil sounds derranged

MargoChanning · 03/06/2018 13:21

Dont say 'can I have my baby back please???' It makes you sound weak. Say 'I'll have her back now' and if she doesnt give the baby back, then go over and physically take her out of her arms saying 'she needs her mummy now'. Remain calm but firm.

Original poster
Lost111 · 03/06/2018 13:21

@supersop60 my mum lives about an hour away. We're not close, but I'd be able to stay there for a while. No family locally though.

I feel so guilty about potentially separating the baby from her dad. I feel like her happiness should surely come before mine?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lost111 · 03/06/2018 13:22

Thank you for your advice everyone

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 03/06/2018 13:23

It’s your baby. She belongs with you. Regardless of your MIL’s prior generosity, no one is entitled to time with your baby except your partner.

This is a time for you to bond with your baby. Tell her you need this time and ask her to respect that.

LunaTrap · 03/06/2018 13:23

I would move back to your Mum's. And if you are already worrying about them keeping the baby from you I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate either, assuming she is not yet registered.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/06/2018 13:23

Your mil is being awful. How terrible for you. If your dp won’t stick up for you, I think you may need to move out with the baby alone. Flowers

Cuffuffle · 03/06/2018 13:24

@Lost111 - You're baby is more likely to suffer more if you end up not bonding with her. Go to your Mum's and DP can either come with you or visit. It's only an hour away. His reaction will also show you whether or not he's a decent partner!

Original poster
Lost111 · 03/06/2018 13:24

@MollyDaydream I really hope that I'm just being a bit of a hormonal mess!

OP posts:
SkinniesAreOver · 03/06/2018 13:25

Yes even if your relationship with your mother (or even step mother, or father) is not perfect, I would go for a break of a week or so to 'punctuate' your mother in law's entitlement over this baby.

Another pp touched on something, if you reassure her that you value her role as a grandmother and tell her I will need you, the baby will need you and I would appreciate it if you helped when I ask for help, then maybe maybe she will take a step back.

If she knows that you're visiting your own family for a week or so, partly to get some space to bond with the baby, then possibly she will realize that you cannot be manipulated.

At the moment I think she thinks she can just manipulate you in to doing what would suit her.

Original poster
Lost111 · 03/06/2018 13:25

I'm just worried that I've upset her. I'm trying to rack my brains, but I honestly cannot think of anything that I've done.

OP posts:
user139328237 · 03/06/2018 13:25

Sorry but I think some people on this site must hate their MILs for the response this is getting.
The baby is 6 days old and the MIL has been away for some of that time so at the most there has been 3-4 days of the MIL overstepping the boundaries (and quite possibly thinking she is being helpful in giving the OP time away from her new born). It takes time for families to adjust to the birth of a child and I can't imagine that her MIL was expecting to have a grand child living with her at this stage of her life. Yes a proper sit down discussion over boundaries needs to be had but hopefully this will solve it.

AllMYSmellySocks · 03/06/2018 13:26

Oh god definitely move back to your mums. She's acting like you're a completely irresponsible 13 year old who can't be trusted with a baby.

You need to bond with the baby. I would insist that you want to do all the feeds (whether you're BF or FF) for bonding purposes. You want to put the baby to sleep etc. until you can move out.

MollyDaydream · 03/06/2018 13:27

How many times as her holding the baby and telling you to go and rest actually happened?
Was it just once?
Could you have an honest conversation that it made you feel anxious and you aren't able to relax without the baby?

I think it's quite common/usual for grandmothers to urge new mums to get some sleep while they hold the baby.

SandAndSea · 03/06/2018 13:27

I can only tell you what I think I would do and that is to leave. I would pack now and leave with the baby before she gets back.

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