MIL wants me out

[Lost111]

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

So glad you’re at your mums. Don’t take any crap from your dp. He has behaved so badly. He should be making you feel safe, not saying awful things like that. Write some things down as I know what your head is like at this point. You’ve done the absolute best thing for your little girl and she’s got a great mum. Just don’t take that passive aggressive bs from him. You don’t deserve it.
You’re doing great. Hope you get some sleep xx

Take care, OP.

I've never felt as "at sea" as I did during those early baby days. You need total support. Stay with your mum until things settle down. Good luck with the BFing (if that's what you choose to do).

Fantastic you’re at your mums. Well done for standing up for yourself and your baby. I hope your mum supports you to get your dp back into shape and understand he has been a complete arsehole. Please let us know you’re ok. We are here for you whatever happens.

I am very glad to hear you are at your mum's now. less glad that your DP is with you. Take care that he doesn't just take your baby and go back to his mum's with her.

Do not threaten him with the registration again, that was a bit of a slip-up you made there! Just let it go and don't mention it again.

I hope your mum can help you to work out what is real, and what is you being gaslighted by your partner. He needs to pull his head in a LOT, he's been extremely rude to you so far.

Well I'm going to go against the grain & say that I'm pleased your DP has gone with you. You are both new parents, very inexperienced and facing a lot of new challenges. I remember that feeling of utter helplessness in those early days as you realise that new babies don't come with an instruction manual, they do things you don't expect (like vomit) and it's a scary time. Your DP needs to find his feet as a parent in the same way as you do.

Very few couples have the romantised nesting with a new baby that everyone dreams of. People snap, stitches hurt and emotions run high as the family get used to their new addition. Please get the medical support you need locally asap by making contact with the local midwife team. Then look back on the situation with your in laws from a distance. Living with any family members may not be best for you as a new family, but you may need to strike a compromise of some kind over the few months. You haven't mentioned your FIL at all, but you kept saying initially that you got on well with your Mil. I know she's not a saint from the thoughtless things she has said, but I doubt if she is really the ogre that some on this thread are describing. Only you know what she is like, so use your own judgement. Good luck with settling down as a new family.

DID YOU NOT TALK TO YOUR MIL AT ALL?

Your Mil sounds as though she has her own life. I imagine that she is a few years older than me if she has 5 children of her own. I sincerely doubt that she wants your baby with the sleepless nights, endless nappies etc. She is adjusting to being a granny and probably feeling quite old in the process along with adjusting to having her DS, DDiL and a new baby in the home that she was just getting used to having to herself in the next stage of her life. She is also having to make huge compromises and adjustments, in exactly the same way as your own mum will.

I mean wants your baby in the context of having a 6th child of her own, rather than just being a doting granny! Grannies love doing the fun bits & then handing them back for a bum change!

Op-I am glad that you're getting your thinking space. Think about what are deal breakers and real red flags and what are not. Remember that you are very tired and in pain and something extraordinary has happened to. It's perfectly normal to feel heightened emotions and find it hard to think clearly so soon after giving birth. It is possible that you are talking in a way that is worrying your dp. He isn't handling it well, but it is possible that he is at sea too and worried about you. Remember that your mil was nice to you before the baby and honestly hasn't said or done anything really bad- nothing that could not be interpreted as normal besotted granny. Hold that in your mind when you're deciding what to do next. Don't burn any bridges, or make any irrevocable decisions just yet if you can possibly avoid it. And don't put pressure on yourself to BF unless you really, really want to. Your baby is happy and thriving-try notnro add any more stresses to your life. And that includes reading too many over excited mumsnetters talking about kidnapping! Your baby is yours. No family member can take her away from you. Good luck. I guarantee that in 2 weeks time you will be feeling very differently.

Well do done OP for listening to your gut to prioritise this precious fleeting time to bond with your DD over being polite to accommodate either a highly inappropriate over excited granny or a controlling bitch. None of us know which one she is - but neither are what your DD needs right now.

Enjoy this time to recover and bond - cherish this time - and congratulations.

Whether it’s a case of your MIL being inappropriate, insensitive and pushy about her, frankly weird and disturbing, views on breast feeding, or whether she is actually batshit with more sinister intentions - the fact is that you were feeling incredibly stressed and uncomfortable in that house. That was not good for you or the baby, so you have done the right thing in getting some space from the situation for now.

Absolutely everything else can be left for another day. I firmly believe you will know deep down what is right for you and your daughter, whether your DP actually is a good partner and father who is a bit overwhelmed and lost at the moment, or whether he’s actually a manipulative nasty bastard who genuinely means to undermine and gaslight you. Whether the MIL is harmlessly batshit or actually dangerous, whether the current living situation can stand with some firmer boundaries in place or whether you need to make a change. You WILL figure all of this out and your instincts/ inner wisdom/ gut / whatever you want to call it will tell you what you need to do. But that can’t happen with all the clamour and worry and overthinking going on, so well done on taking the first step to create some space and calm for you and dd.

Try very hard to let your mind quiet now, you grew a baby inside you and gave birth to her, you’ve fed, nurtured and protected her since. You have absolutely got this - stop telling yourself that you haven’t, stop doubting and questioning yourself. And if your partner continues to doubt, question or belittle you then maybe you need to remove him from the picture - at least temporarily too. You know what is right for you and DD right now, not your partner, mother in law, your mum, mumsnet, anyone else. Obviously with the exception of midwives, health visitors and other professionals who can support and guide you.

Please just try to focus on the here and now, your bond with your daughter, your body healing and the amazing job you are doing. Nothing has been done or said that is irreversible, nobody’s been harmed or hurt, you have no way of knowing or second guessing who feels what, or will feel what, or thinks what or will do in 2 weeks time. None of that matters. I’m sure that as all that clamour and demands on your attention die down, you’ll get clarity and realise what needs to happen next.

Good luck lovely.

Hope all goes well for you OP. The first few weeks take some getting over, especially when you've had a difficult time giving birth. As for those saying that MIL's behaviour is normal, could I remind you she said breastfeeding was 'incest'? That's not a reasonable or normal thing to say.

Hope all goes well for you OP. The first few weeks take some getting over, especially when you've had a difficult time giving birth. As for those saying that MIL's behaviour is normal, could I remind you she said breastfeeding was 'incest'? That's not a reasonable or normal thing to say.

Hope all goes well for you OP. The first few weeks take some getting over, especially when you've had a difficult time giving birth. As for those saying that MIL's behaviour is normal, could I remind you she said breastfeeding was 'incest'? That's not a reasonable or normal thing to say.

Good luck OP. Remember, your baby your rules. I hope you enjoy some special time now with your baby. Don't return to MIL please. She said too many disturbing things for my liking and I worry it would just slip back in time...... 💐

Also, MIL says that breastfeeding is 'incest' and she didn't do it with her five children...
Well if that's not the most batshit thing I've ever heard! Does she not realise that mothers around the entire globe breastfeed? And that animals have no choice because they don't have access to bottles? And that bottles weren't actually around when the cavewomen were rearing their children? It's a miracle that all species which feed their young that way haven't all died out a long time ago.
(Somehow I think that OP may well go NC with MIL at some point in the future...)

Also, MIL says that breastfeeding is 'incest' and she didn't do it with her five children...

I was on the fence up until this comment as to whether you were over reacting, though clearly need space & your DP to grow a back bone & support your need for solitude with your new baby more so that you can heal & bond. A break to your DMs would be a good idea, though not necessarily for good, just a long visit to babies other GM & take it from there

But that comment changes it all. It's nuts & has so far crossed the line of what is MILs business it's unreal. BF is best for both you & baby, FF would be best for your DM if your gut instinct o this is right & not just hormones.

You definitely need a break from this situation to reassess at least. Do go to your mums for a week or 2, you can then get a clearer picture of how you really feel from a distance & take it from there. Your DP should be supportive of that. If he isn't, you fo it anyway

Good luck

Really glad to see your update 💐👍🏼

I hope things have been calmer and less stressful for you today

How was your day op?

So glad you're at your mum's. I hope your DP also gives you some space there and maybe stays at his mum's and you stay at your mum's. I do still worry that he's isolating you and the fact he almost won't let you go to your mum's alone is a bit concerning.

By being at your Mum’s, your DP May just realise how over-bearing and ridiculous is own mother is; hope all is well OP.

OP got on with MIL before and had 3/4 days of her being a touch over bearing but instead of talking to her MIL and explaining the situation, she runs away?
That's an amazing way to build a good relationship with your children's grandparents. 🙄

Oh and I do not agree with the way her dp was taking to her, he seems to lack understanding and empathy but doesn't deserve to lose his partner and child!

The op's mil has honestly done nothing "wrong" apart from the incest remark-which is so bizarre that i suspect it michynhave been a mishearing or a misunderstanding. She has done things differently to the way the OP wants them done and obviously the OP should be in charge. So the obvious thing, once everything has calmed down and the OP is feeling better, is for them all to sit down and talk about it. I would not be at all surprised if the mil is feeling pretty crap now. Remember she was nice before.

I think it's been good to put the DP back in his box, though. When someone is really vulnerable - which you are when you're ill and have just had a baby - others can lose sight of the fact that that person won't be vulnerable forever, and might possibly walk away. He was being an absolute prick, all that 'jokey' business of "your mum's crazy", telling her she was being controlling and her hormones were out of control etc.. He needed pulling up, and reminding that he's not the boss of anyone.