MIL wants me out

[Lost111]

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

This is ridiculous.

No your DP wouldn't get shared custody of a tiny baby, not at all. If this situation ended up putting you both in conflict, which hoepfully it won't, and he took you to court, it would be a significant time before he would be awarded anything more than visits. No court will separate a newborn from its mother as it's universally understood to be massively damaging for infant attachment and healthy development.

That's why you need to get out, unfortunately. Not only is your MIL going to damage your relationship, she's not going to do your baby any good either.

You do need to go to your mum's, sadly. You need to send a VERY clear message to MIL that this isn't ok, you're the mum, and if she doesn't back the fuck off she won't even SEE your baby for a considerable amount of time.

You don't need to fall out with your DP about it though. Tell him - it's not working, your mum is not doing any of us any favours - I am NOT staying here to be harrassed and have her try to take over and separate me from my baby. I'm off to my mum's, we will work something out.

Your DP does not get to tell you what to do and where to live any more than his mum does. If he wants to try, then that tells you a lot.

He can stay with his mum if he wants to.

My advice in these situation is ALWAYS to go in hard. If you show that you won't be pushed around... then most people will stop pushing.

Pack and go before MIL comes back. Tell your DP you need some space. And he's just going to have to get the train until his mother stops trying to pretend she is your baby's mother.

user139328237 Seriously though I can't imagine anyone being so clueless as to tell a new mother to go away so you could feed their baby. Or telling her that it's her baby too. I just can't see how that would ever be mistaken for being helpful. I love my MiL and she would never ever do anything like OP describes.

Sorry user but nobody has the right to keep hold of a baby that isn't theirs or to refer to it as 'their baby' surely you can see that?

Ugh she sounds awful 😡

A couple of people have suggested breast feeding. I really would give it a try. See the health visitor for help. You could then bf for a considerable amount of time if you and your dp end up splitting up.

This isn’t something I’m saying lightly. I’m concerned he isn’t eticking up for you and your child against his mother.

I feel so guilty about potentially separating the baby from her dad. I feel like her happiness should surely come before mine?

Trust me, your baby will be much more upset about being separated from you.

You need your DP to stand up for you against his mother. If he won't, you must get the hell out of there, because you can't fight this battle alone and if your DH won't be your ally, you have no choice but to get out.

@user139328237 she's been texting my DP asking for pictures of 'her baby' and 'her little girl'

As I said, maybe it's me having the baby blues?

She really really wanted us to move in with her. She'll be an a great grandparent, but I just want her to realise that I am her parent.

I’m having deja vu

Someone else on here had the same thing happen. It got very nasty, she was kept away from her baby for weeks and had to go to court to get custody IIRC.

You need to establish control of this situation immediately OP. Can you love home for a bit? This environment is not healthy.

I'm just worried that I've upset her. I'm trying to rack my brains, but I honestly cannot think of anything that I've done.

Stop focussing on how she might or might not feel (which you can't possibly know) and focus on how YOU feel. This is your time. Your DP and MIL should be supporting YOU, not the other way around.

I think you need to leave. Don't wrry about your DP / baby missing each other - to be honest there's more chance of your baby being unhappy if you stay there because she'll be missing out on time with you, her mum! And you'll be feeling tense so much of the time your baby will pck up on that (and will probably cry, the your MIL will step in to try and "show you" how to do things right, eg her way...) Just go, it's not worth this amount of angst. If it makes your DP unhappy maybe he'll think twice and put you and your child's needs before his and his mum's next time.

Hopefully you've been given some good advice re asserting yourself as primary caregiver but I also agree with Molly - you gave birth 6 days ago and MIL has been away for a "few days" so your experience of MIL really reflects the first few days of your baby's life and MIL may be over excited about her grandchild and trying (perhaps clumsily and overstepping boundaries) to give you time to recover. I agree that you should praise/overtly speaking about valuing her role as a grandmother so that hopefully the relationship is re-set on her return. If the situation doesn't change then yes time to get DH to step up or indeed visit your mom for a while.

Jeez this is worrying. The baby will end up bonding with her, not you - and that sounds like it's what she wants. You MUST stop this now. I remember my midwife coming to visit me when DS was about a week old: MIL's OH turned up and basically came over and just took DS off me - midwife told him off! She said that the baby and I needed to be with each other as much as possible in the early stages. She is YOUR child, not MIL's. As others have said, talk to your midwife or health visitor. This is not right.

Go back to your Mum's OP, you'll be able to mother your baby in peace.
You and your DH will figure a way until September, it's not far away.
As regards your MIL, is she from a different culture to you ?

I had a pretty bad labour and had to have
a transfusion afterwards. My MIL convinced me to bottle feed instead of my plan on BF. I was so out of it that I just went along with anything that meant that my baby would be fed. I feel so stupid now!

Is 6 days too late to start BF?

Pack and go before MIL comes back. Tell your DP you need some space. And he's just going to have to get the train until his mother stops trying to pretend she is your baby's mother.

This this this!

Lost - honestly I think a lot of the responses on this thread are getting hysterical and winding you up unnecessarily.
Of course you are hormonal, anxious and sensitive - you have a newborn and haven't slept for a week!
It's hard living with someone else's family, and your MIL probably is overstepping boundaries even if she is trying to be helpful.
You got on well before - I'm sure she isn't upset with you. She will remember what a shock your first baby is.

Take a breath OP. She may be trying just to help you in her own way or she may be crossing boundaries.

You've just given birth so will be tired and hormonal, but that doesn't mean it's all in your head.

Keep the baby with you, stand up for yourself and see how it goes. Is this her first grandchild?

If sit them both down and explain how you feel and that things need to change, otherwise you will be going to your mum's for some.space for a while. If things don't improve go to your mum's for a week...scare tactics so they know you are serious.
On a side note you should be able to claim a fair amount of tax credits/universal credit if you are on mat leave (I was also able to claim housing benefit) so you would likely be entitled to more support that you realise if you move out. I'd look into it in more detail.
You are the mum here and you are more in control than you realise.

Confide in your HV and see what help you can get from them - it's all very difficult when you're hormonal and trying to bond - your DP needs to start stepping up

Perhaps she thinks she's helping? It's only six days since you gave birth. If it continues, say you want to stay with your mum for a couple of weeks, there's no need to do a big drama about it, most women want their mums around when they have a new baby.

I was living with PiL too when I had my first baby, and ran away (or tried to) early one morning. Tug of war on the front doorstep. Looking back, I should have just talked calmly and explained that I wanted to go and stay with my mum for a while. Then run away if they tried to stop me

Your hormones and emotions will be all over the place at the moment, so you may be misreading the situation. Suggest a short holiday with your mum, (you and the baby, naturally) and see how that goes down.

If baby is only 6 days old and MIL is away it’s not really happened much

As someone else said it could all be your hormones and catastrophising which really is quite common

You need to talk to your midwife and get some reassurance and support, time for big girl pants as you’re a mum now

Talk with your dp and his mum, explain you feel you need time to bond and want baby with you, if all else fails get a sling and keep baby with you while you settle into a secure routine

You're NOT stupid OP, you're just at the most vulnerable point of your life and don't have anybody fighting your corner! It's not too late to start breastfeeding. Try contacting the La Leche League, they''ll have people who can help. But definitely get out of the house before MIL comes back. make it easy on yourself. She will not like you breastfeeding and will do everythign she can to stop it, so being in your own mum's hosue, no matter how inconvenient it is otherwise, is still a better environment for you and your baby to be in.

First Grandchild, yep.

Of course I'm very grateful that she is so loved, but I just want some space. She's been inviting family over when she's not here and I'm really struggling with my episiotomy which has come undone and the pain alone. That's what I get for living in someone else's house I suppose.

6 days is not too late to start BFing.

Mothers who have adopted babies can lactate with a fair bit of effort.

I'd imagine at 6 days it might be a lot easier.

Have you tried putting your baby to your boob and seeing what happens? Your nipples need your baby to suckle to tell your body to make milk, basically.

It’s not too late no, have you got support locally for breastfeeding? Hospitals or lactation support. Has your milk come in?