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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL wants me out

545 replies

Lost111 · 03/06/2018 13:00

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2018 18:41

No, you are not being petty. You need to leave, you really do.

This is sortable, but not while you are there, under their roof, being seen as a silly little girl getting in the way of MIL saying what goes in her home.

You need to remove yourself and your baby from the place where MIL is in charge.

Go to your mum's, recover from the birth and then you will be in a better place to start sorting this out.

sleepingdragons · 04/06/2018 18:42

Lost111 not you're not being crazy. You're not being supported.

I'm sorry it's like this. Your DP should be on your side.

iamawoman · 04/06/2018 18:42

Say you will take her down when you feel time is right and only on condition that no-one takes her off you. People need to ask if they can have a cuddle ....

GirlGang · 04/06/2018 18:43

Everything FizzyGreenWater said.
Please go to your mums!

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/06/2018 18:43

He is the control freak at all for shouting at you in the middle of the night because your baby brought up some of her feed, for calling you crazy, for undermining you and for working against you. His behaviour is crazy making and he and his mother are working as a unit ganging up on you.

I hope it’s going ok. Does your mum actually know what’s going on? I mean really know. If you were my dd, I’d have picked you up already.

BMW6 · 04/06/2018 18:44

OP he is cut from the same cloth as his batshit mother. For your child's sake get away from them as soon as possible.

iamawoman · 04/06/2018 18:44

And If this really basic request is not met well you need to go to your mums to reassert control

N0tLinked1n · 04/06/2018 18:44

Wow, he is a bully and an abusive arsehole.

Go to your mum's immediately! Please. Brew

I agree with the PP. Does your Mum know how badly wrong this has gone.

SamanthaH92 · 04/06/2018 18:46

I would seriously leave and go to your mums!

Can i ask how old you both are (if you don't mind)

ferrier · 04/06/2018 18:46

Your partner is channelling his mother. In some ways it's not his fault, it can be hard to accept that your mother is wrong. But you need to get out. It would be better if you could take dp with you and start to bond as a family, but if that's not possible then just take you and dd until you feel strong enough to deal with the mil again.

Coyoacan · 04/06/2018 18:54

Oh please go back to your mum's OP. These people are either clueless or evil. The most important thing for your baby right now is your state of mind and they are doing that in.

The first few days after a baby is born, the mother should be totally coddled.

And do not register your baby under his name. He obviously hasn't bothered to look up anything about the care of babies and I wouldn't trust him within a mile of any child of mine.

Justonedayatatime11 · 04/06/2018 19:25

You are NOT being crazy! Please please get out of there, before it gets worse, before you're in too deep and feel like you can't get out. Don't let them ruin your first few weeks as a mum!

DragonMummy1418 · 04/06/2018 19:27

I really think you need to have a conversation with your MIL, just you and her.

Be calm and don't accuse her of anything but say you feel things are being taken from your control & you want to do things your way with your own baby.
Express the you want a good relationship with her and thought it best to talk it through with her rather than let resentment set in.

She might genuinely just think she's helping but you will know how to proceed from her reply.

Thanks congratulations on your baby!

JustVent · 04/06/2018 19:31

I mean, it’s just her dad taking her downstairs for 30 minutes.

I think perhaps this has gone a bit too far with your DH.

KMoKMo · 04/06/2018 19:42

I haven’t read the full thread but have just seen the latest update. I totally agree you should be in control and shouldn’t feel you need to go downstairs if you don’t want to. Who are these visitors?
But can you not just pop down for 5 minutes. That way you can keep hold of her rather than letting her be with anyone else.
I appreciate it’s not ideal but if you go with her at least you’re nearby and can have some say in what’s happening?
I don’t think you should be putting pressure on yourself to breastfeed. The midwife is right. It seems you have enough going on. Maybe see how the next couple of days go and if you still unhappy get to your mums.

Usernameunknown2 · 04/06/2018 19:45

Leave. He has been nothing but a royal shit today. Would you even trust him to bring her back up?

Usernameunknown2 · 04/06/2018 19:46

Did you tell your midwife about your husband and MIL behaviour?

DeepFatFriar · 04/06/2018 19:47

Please get to your mums ASAP. This is awful and not normal.

Juells · 04/06/2018 19:50

id you tell your midwife about your husband and MIL behaviour?

No, he didn't leave her alone with the midwife Hmm

If you do pop down for five minutes with the baby, don't try to cover up how dreadful you're feeling. Let people see that you're sick. For some reason I was forever trying to pretend I was fine, even when I was doubled up with pain and exhausted.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 04/06/2018 19:54

Ring your mw- from the bathroom if necessary - tomorrow and tel her she needs to help you leave ASAP.

Helloisitteaurlookingfor · 04/06/2018 20:04

OP, your partner (And I use that term loosely as he appears mlre partnered with his mum) is a bullying arsehole.

Honestly, LTB. And I've never said that before to anyone.

Usernameunknown2 · 04/06/2018 20:09

Juells he wouldnt leave her alone? Says it all. Fucking bullies the lot of them

Flaminglingos · 04/06/2018 20:12

Write a letter to your midwife, hide it in the red book and try to slip it unseen to her or put it in her bag. If your partner won't leave you alone and is isolating you from people then you need to take action now.

SandAndSea · 04/06/2018 20:12

I'm just thinking that if you were my dil and had taken to your room with the baby, I'd be making sure you had everything you need (cuppa tea, nice dinner etc) and then leave you to it. I certainly wouldn't be making any demands of you.

SherbertLemon2011 · 04/06/2018 20:13

lost111 I am now concerned that he will pressure you to register the baby ASAP.

Please even if you don't stay with your mum, tomorrow can you just take YOUR baby for a walk or sit in the garden (away from listening ears) and tell your mum WHAT'S going on or text her tonight. Also can you text the midwife?

Your partner doesn't sound kind and does not sound like he would ever prioritise your little family's needs.
Remember if you are happy your baby will pick up on that. Your baby needs you

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