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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants me out

545 replies

Lost111 · 03/06/2018 13:00

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

OP posts:
LoveProsecco · 04/06/2018 21:25

When are you leaving?

Usernameunknown2 · 04/06/2018 21:33

Thats great OP. I hope that you get some much needed calm and bonding time away from them.

Stickerrocks · 04/06/2018 21:34

Lost111 you said yesterday afternoon that your own mum isn't particularly motherly, so I'm wondering if you have some real life friends near her who you can talk to who know you well.

I also believe you need to think carefully before you don't put his name on the birth certificate, because decisions like that will stay with your baby for the rest of her life and your DP is her father, even if you think he's not acting like one at the moment. It may be more aggravation than it is worth if he decides to fight to be named as her father, when you have so many other things to deal with at the moment.

AveAtqueVale · 04/06/2018 21:38

Cross-posted with you Lost111. Hope you get some lovely relaxation and bonding time at your mum's, and things improve Flowers.

Thebluedog · 04/06/2018 21:45

Glad you will get some stress free time with your baby to enable you to bond and mend Flowers

BettyBaggins · 04/06/2018 21:48

Thinking of you op, I hope you get the space you need to heal and build a loving and healthy relationship and life for you and your lo. Stay calm Flowers

PickAChew · 04/06/2018 21:51

You need some time with your mum, so I'm glad you're going.

Your partner sounds like a grade A tool. Big changes that make someone more vulnerable, like pregnancy and birth, are often the trigger for abuse to start or escalate. He seems determined to make you doubt yourself and positively nasty about it, too.

Irksomeness · 04/06/2018 21:58

Wow that escalated. OP, please make sure you are thinking things through for yourself and not getting carried away with the comments on this thread. It’s a very sad situation. If you split with your partner you may well have to share custody. Your MIL may well get her mitts on your baby at least some of the time.

Tattycorum · 04/06/2018 22:06

Op I could have written your thread, down to the Pph and partner talking to baby saying ‘mummy is crazy’ FlowersCakeBrew for you, like you I felt like I was going mad but now, 10 years later, I fully see how awful the situation was. Hope you are at your mums now and starting to feel better xxx

Coyoacan · 04/06/2018 22:10

Great news, OP. And don't put his name on her birth cert. You can always change your mind later and change the birth cert. I had different reasons for not putting my ex on my dd's birth cert and it really wasn't a horrible thing for my dd. She is an adult now and totally agrees with the decision I made. She knew her father and spent plenty of time with him, I just had the final say.

Smiler88 · 04/06/2018 22:38

Has your mum picked you up yet OP? If not to make as smooth an exit as possible with minimal interference from the DP and MIL could your mum take a half day to come and collect you whole they're both at work? Or, would it be worth taking the hit and paying for a large taxi with the baby's stuff to get you both to hers? Be strong and follow your instincts! The MIL has had her own children so much understand your need to spend time ALONE with your baby to bond. But her own selfishness means she is ignoring that to put what she wants first. If your DP isn't going to prioritise you you must priotise yourself and your BBys relationship as it is the most important of all! Good luck OP your mum's sounds like exactly what you need, then they can see the baby on your terms. Do not be afraid to say no!

Seabreeze18 · 04/06/2018 22:45

Hope u are ok Op. safe at your mums?

Dermymc · 04/06/2018 22:57

I hope you're OK!

MumW · 04/06/2018 23:00

Glad you've gone to your Mum's. It'll give you some much needed headspace.

Don't give up on the breastfeeding if it's something you really want to do.

FlowersFlowers

YummySushi · 04/06/2018 23:05

Op I was in a similar situation, so I got a lactation consultant to help me exclusively breastfeed .. I refuse to pump, I refuse to give formula ... I pretend baby hates bottles ...

All so I can exclusively breastfeed and keep the inconsiderate females who wanna take my role- away.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2018 23:16

@Lost111 "I'm going to stay with my mum

Thank you everyone"

Good to hear, please keep talking to us if it helps.

Original poster
Lost111 · 04/06/2018 23:19

Hi all

Thank you so so much for your kind words of advice. I am at my mum's and DP has come with. I have explained my frustration and I'm hoping that he understands. He's not happy about the situation but my mental health needs to come first (happy mummy, happy baby)

I don't want to cut MIL out, but she just needs to understand my position as her mother. I don't see how that's so difficult?

I will see what tomorrow brings, but I'm feeling positive and hopeful

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2018 23:21

Great news.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 04/06/2018 23:25

So pleased to hear this. Don't allow your DP to gaslight you in any way. If he can't support you, he can go back to his DM.

YummySushi · 04/06/2018 23:32

Lost my baby couldn’t latch and when I wasn’t calm my baby was stressed with me.

For a whole week I needed support and a lactation consultant helped me.

I was entitled to stay in hospital until baby learnt how to latch... apparently it’s s right for first time Mother’s.. find out in ur hospital who the lactation consultant is and ask her for her support..

There is also breastfeeding cafe/groups that u can go to and get help..

I know this is not the point of the threat, but that’s how I can advise as I’m a first time mum for a 4 month old now and latching was an issue for us ..

What helped was doing skin to skin, so removing my top clothes ... so it makes sense to tell ur mil to stay out for the feeds...

Even if ur bottle feeding , do skin to skin, it’s part of bonding .. tell her it’s for the baby to develop emotionally and physically .. tell her ur shy to go topless..

As for ur husband... show him Evidenxe from online that stress on the mother causes the milk supply to diminish .. show him that the baby stresses when the mum is stressed and doesn’t develop as well..

SPeak to a health visitor to indirectly explain to ur husband the importance of baby staying with the mother (she can make it sound natural and not that y mentioned to her). They’re usually supportive .. tell them what ur going through.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/06/2018 23:38

Great news OP, you can rest easy now. Just see what tomorrow brings.
🌺🌺🌺

BettyBaggins · 04/06/2018 23:39

Great to hear you are at your Mums, phew!

SnuggyBuggy · 05/06/2018 00:52

Fingers crossed for you 😊

StaplesCorner · 05/06/2018 00:59

Great news you are at your mum's OP, but not so great your DP is with you - bit worried he is trying to prevent you getting support and being able to tell someone exactly what's going on. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Tattycorum · 05/06/2018 01:06

Good news op well done looking after yourself, keep standing your ground send dp back to his mum if he is an arse and stay at your mums as long as you can xxx

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