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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL wants me out

545 replies

Lost111 · 03/06/2018 13:00

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lost111 · 04/06/2018 16:42

She's apparently going to be home anytime now. I'll update later

Thank you so much everyone. You've saved my sanity at such a hard time

OP posts:
Original poster
Lost111 · 04/06/2018 16:43

@LightDrizzle I couldn't today because DP was there. He usually isn't like this. It's all changed since the baby's been born

OP posts:
StephiD3 · 04/06/2018 16:45

Your partner sounds like he’s cut from the same cloth as his mother. Both sound like really nasty pieces of work.

Lots of good advice on here. If you continue to allow them both to speak to you/treat you like this it will give them free pass to think it’s ok and will continue. You need to stick up for yourself or accept that they will take over whenever they can if you don’t.

Shinesweetfreedom · 04/06/2018 16:51

From dps reaction I don't think things will improve till you do go to your mums.
Give him a chance to alter his fucking attitude.
He is no support and is backing his mummy not you.
You know he is way out of line for mocking you.
Have you phoned your mum op.

Leoparda · 04/06/2018 17:06

Right now your DP's job is to support you, not defend his mother.

Please go to your mums!

SnuggyBuggy · 04/06/2018 17:08

You aren't being unreasonable to stay in your room with your little one.

another20 · 04/06/2018 17:09

Send the text to MIL and copy your OH. “Midwife been - on strict bed rest, bonding with baby - no visitors or to be disturbed for next few days0

DarlingNikita · 04/06/2018 17:11

He said that I'm a control freak and that my hormones are playing up 'do you want a harmonica? Because you've got the blues'

He's being a stone-cold twat, OP.

Is it incredibly rude if I just say that I want her upstairs with me?? Am I coming across as possessive?
No/doesn't matter/fuck em
Delete as appropriate.
Look after yourself and your baby.

Hortonlovesahoo · 04/06/2018 17:21

@lost111 there is no way on this earth that you’re being a control freak. You are a mother and you sound like a wonderful caring one at that. Your DP needs to get himself in line with you and your wishes or out of the way.

If my DH spoke to me like that, I’d be so incredibly hurt and then come down on him like a ton of bricks.

Maybe you could reply: if you give me a harmonica, you can use it to shove it up your arse and then you’ll be playing a different tune. Twat.

Juells · 04/06/2018 17:22

I couldn't today because DP was there. He usually isn't like this. It's all changed since the baby's been born

AAAARRRGGHHHH I knew it, knew he wouldn't give you a chance to be alone with a professional. That's why you need to say you want her to look at your episiotomy, and insist he leaves the room. I'm surprised she didn't ask him to leave.

CatOwned · 04/06/2018 17:26

Be careful, OP, your DP seems to be getting more agressive by the day. I would certainly try to get to your mum's ASAP. Let us know how today goes.

iamawoman · 04/06/2018 17:38

He is gaslighting you-do you think he and his mother are setting you up to be an unfit mother?? He sounds really unpleasant...please go and stay with your mum

FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2018 17:41

Go to your mum.

Call her and get her to pick you up.

Your DP's behaviour is worrying. He didn't want you to be able to talk to the midwife in confidence.

If you had outlined even some of the behaviour he and your MIL have shown towards you, especially your MIL's possessiveness towards your baby and the slight aggression you are getting from both of them - she would be very concerned.

You SHOULD have your baby with you - all the time! That's what is good for your baby.

Absolutely refuse to be separated from her.

Cataline · 04/06/2018 17:57

I hope it's all been ok since MIL got back.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 04/06/2018 17:59

Stay strong OP, it’s fine to stay in your room with your baby if you need to rest.

mamahanji · 04/06/2018 18:03

Your partner is fucking me off.

Anyone that tries to put you down using your emotions is a cunt. Pure and simple.

LoniceraJaponica · 04/06/2018 18:03

Your "D"P is a controlling bully. You really need to be able to talk to your midwife alone. Is it really so difficult to ask him to leave the room? Say you need to be examined or something.

Irksomeness · 04/06/2018 18:15

I’m curious How long you been dating your partner and how old you are. (approx so as not to out yourself).

SamanthaH92 · 04/06/2018 18:17

It is yours and your OHs baby, not hers. I wouldn't be able to cope with it either but then i would never move in with in laws. Why don't you ask if you can stay at your mums for a week or so and ask if OH will join you? You don't need all this when you have just litrally had a baby. As for the way he is acting i would be so annoyed. He should understand your feelings and put you and your baby first.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 04/06/2018 18:17

I have reminded him that I gave birth a week ago and it's my maternal instinct to want to look after my own child.

Not only is it your instincts, these moments are 100% needed! It is your God given right to be with your baby! I repeat 'YOUR baby'
YOUR baby NEEDS her Mummy! She will be comforted by you, your voice and your smell!

You are not being ridiculous! Do not let anybody including your partner to tell you otherwise!

You are doing amazing in the situation, you do need to be strong now though sweetheart! You are her Mummy and you need to find your voice and strength not to be walked over! I am not saying this to be harsh or cruel in anyway!
I hate these threads when people disregard the mother and the need for her new born!

I haven't experienced any of this, however I looked after my new borns very different to my inlaws! When they held baby and they cried the Inlaws would say 'oh crying won't harm them'
I was the mum who never let her babies just cry.
DP used to give me a look knowing I wasn't happy, but he was just as scared as I was to saying something to them ( emotionally abusive mother)
One day I found my voice and said 'for hod sake give me my bloody baby'

I know this is V v v different, but honestly I felt amazing when I put my foot down! Is this something you can do?

I haven't yet read the whole thread, so will apologise in advance if my post is totally wrong!

OP whatever happens we are all here for you, supporting and backing you 100%

Whattheactualfuckmate · 04/06/2018 18:19

Jesus op your ‘D’P is a real knob head.

Just go to your mums so you can enjoy your new baby. Set your stall out now so that the pair of them stop pushing you about.

My mil bullied me the whole of my pregnancy, I didn’t have the courage to tell her to fuck off till dd was 18 months which started 3 years of NC. And what a fucking relief that was!

Original poster
Lost111 · 04/06/2018 18:34

Latest: DP said when dinner's ready he'll be taking her downstairs for half hour to see everyone. I've said no. I said I'm her mum, she's a week old and it's my decision. He's saying that she needs to leave the bedroom and people want to see her.

He's said that I'm ridiculous and I can't control everything ('do you want to decide what she wears everyday? Or how I hold her?')

Am I being crazy?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lost111 · 04/06/2018 18:36

I did somewhat vindictively say that she isn't registered yet and I am in charge. He's fuming now. I was petty saying that.

I just don't believe that other people (her dad included) can dictate when they see a week old baby.

OP posts:
Pinkgeorge · 04/06/2018 18:37

If you have anywhere to go then please leave.

hammeringinmyhead · 04/06/2018 18:39

I would say you are taking her out for a walk and phone your mum to see if you can stay overnight. I know you said you aren't close but she wouldn't want you to be trodden all over like this.

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