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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL wants me out

545 replies

Lost111 · 03/06/2018 13:00

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2018 20:21

In your shoes, I'd tell my mum and move out. You are not in a position of strength here.

Your baby's father does not seem to realise what you have been through.

Please get some help.

JustVent · 04/06/2018 20:30

Whilst I have been supportive of the OP during this thread and agree that it’s unhealthy for her to continue staying there, everyone here has gone utterly hysterical about it this evening.

I mean can you trust him to bring her back upstairs? ? Hmm He suggested taking the child downstairs for 30 minutes, not to Australia.

If the OP follows this hysteria she’s at risk of genuinely looking “crazy” as he put it, when what she needs to do is be the calmest of her life and get her shit together.

Usernameunknown2 · 04/06/2018 20:34

Yes downstairs to a woman who thinks its her baby and upsets and undermined the OPs breastfeeding. Not to mention he is rude and passive aggressive and is calling OP crazy.

Yes thats someone to trust to only be gone half an hour.

Not fucking likely. Poor OP will be having to drag her sore painful body downstairs and beg for her back.

Hortonlovesahoo · 04/06/2018 20:34

OP: please call Your mum and go there for
a few days. You are her mum and you need to focus on what’s best for you both and staying in this situation isn’t it

JustVent · 04/06/2018 20:38

Like I said, hysteria.

I agree, she needs to go to her Mum.

But less of the hysteria.....
But I guess that doesn’t make for such a fun thread, hey? Hmm

Flaminglingos · 04/06/2018 20:40

Is there a reason why you don't want to involve your mum apart from the embarrassment of having controlling & batshit crazy in-laws.

Lost111 · 04/06/2018 20:57

I'm going to stay with my mum

Thank you everyone

OP posts:
kissthealderman · 04/06/2018 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GabriellaMontez · 04/06/2018 21:00

That's great. Wishing you a peaceful break at your mum's.

greeneggblueegg · 04/06/2018 21:01

Well done Thanks

happypoobum · 04/06/2018 21:01

Well done Lost - how did they take the news? Stay safe. Flowers

TaggieRR · 04/06/2018 21:02

When you do register the birth, I would give the baby your surname.

AveAtqueVale · 04/06/2018 21:04

Hi OP, I just wanted to comment as your thread really struck a chord with me. When I had DS1 we were living with my mum for a few months while waiting to move into our flat and she was very similar - possessive, constantly trying to take over, inviting all and sundry round. Also told me breastfeeding was unnatural and disgusting Hmm. I eventually just took to my room and basically hid there. Nearly four years on our relationship has never recovered. It was appalling, and I had the support of my DP (now DH) - you're being so strong managing all this while your DP isn't supporting you fully!

FWIW, my advice is not to doubt yourself. Even if you're hormonal/ stressed/ exhausted (and all new mums are) you still know what is best for your baby AND BEST FOR YOU. You're important too - you needing your baby with you while you recover from a difficult labour is just as important as the baby needing you! You've been joined together for nine months - of course it feels very odd to be separated at the moment and it's something you absolutely don't need to allow except on your own terms. Have a read about the fourth trimester. You and your baby belong together!

Re breastfeeding - I agree not to put any pressure on yourself - you don't need the extra worry at the moment. BUT you could argue to DP and MIL that since you're not breastfeeding it is even more crucial that the baby spends plenty of time with you, doing skin to skin in the privacy of your room etc Wink. And as pps have said if you do want to keep trying there's no harm in keeping popping baby on the breast, and maybe going along to a bf group or something - you'll certainly get support there to rant about the situation with your MIL even if you don't get anywhere with bf! (Also if your baby is being sick after feeds it might be worth looking at paced bottle feeding in case that helps.) Don't be disheartened if it doesn't work out though - a pph large enough to need a transfusion can have a big effect on your milk supply, and bf really really doesn't come easily to an awful lot of people. As long as your baby is fed and loved, you are doing a fantastic job.

Lizzie48 · 04/06/2018 21:04

That's a good decision, @Lost111 it will be good for you and your little girl to get away from there. I'm so sorry your DP hasn't backed you up. Thanks

AvoidingDM · 04/06/2018 21:05

Have you been in touch with your mum?

FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2018 21:05

Well done OP.

It will all be ok.

Rest and recover and bond - all this can wait.

And yes, I would seriously think about registering the birth alone, with your surname. I've got a horrid feeling that things might not turn out too great with your DP.

iamawoman · 04/06/2018 21:05

good luck - hope it helps your partner to see how much he is failing you as a partner and co parent

senioritabonita · 04/06/2018 21:06

Well done, I hope you get some peace and quiet at your mums. Turn your phone off and let your mum look after her baby (you) whilst you look after your baby. TURN THE PHONE OFF. Take this time with your sweet baby, you will never have these tender days again and they belong to you both.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/06/2018 21:10

Well done for standing up for yourself.

When is your mum picking you up?

WellThisIsShit · 04/06/2018 21:11

I think things will come to a head pretty quickly now you’ve let that one drop about the birth certificate... he’s not going to let you hold that power over him for very long.

Which is kind of good in a way I guess, as you’re mental health is not faring well like this, while you’re trying to ‘grin and bear it’ whilst getting more and more anxious, unsupported and stressed.

What worries me is that you haven’t talked to a midwife (or hv now possibly?) and got their support by sharing the situation and your worries... this is a key source of support for you, and if your partner and mil are maybe going to start tantruming, I think you’ll be very pleased to have already got the midwife/hv on your side. Please phone them and ask them to visit ASAP again and make an excuse to talk to you alone?

It’s always better to have real life support, as they can also support in ways we people on the internet cannot. They can help steer a course between the rip tides of hormones and baby blues... and the hidden sharp rocks of a (rapidly!) overly possessive mil and her wet weekend idiot of a son, your dear partner! You’re trying to handle all of the above and it’s important to note that just because you may have one, it doesn’t invalidate the presence of another... ie, just because you may have raging new mummy hormones, doesn’t mean to say you don’t also have a manipulative and domineering mil! And more to the point, a weak and pathetic partner who is bullying you if you step out of line and question anything his mummy dearest does or says!

Btw, I didn’t have a jealous mil, in my case it was a vilely jealous and nasty mother... so I’m an equal opportunities ‘pushed out new mum’ :) or at least, I was, my dear little new born is a hulking 7yr old now ... and I still have mummy-son snuggles at bedtime just as lovely as when he was little (sshh, he’s supposed to be faaaar too big for that sort of soppy stuff!).

But my mother went absolutely doolally after the birth, all that ‘MY baby’ etc etc... and she demanded to be called a name that sounded well errr, very like mummy, let’s put it that way! And told all our family and friends that was her name, before I could voice any objection... which was greeted with stunned bemusement as it was so, weird.

She also took off ‘mine & ds’s fathers’ clothes each time she saw ds and redressed him in carefully chosen clothes she’d bought, even if it was just for a few hours. Late on Xmas eve she emptied ds first little Xmas stocking I’d done for him, to put in her own stocking presents for ds, leaving mine discarded at the side! At 9mths old, I know, it was for me & his father, not ds who didn’t know a thing about it, either way...). She had a strop when we had both given him hand puppets for Xmas, as ‘HERS is better than mine, and she’s got to him first, so there’s no point in even bothering with my little rag....’ sob hysterically and rushes from room trampling on her spurned offering... a lovely ikea elephant hand puppet that got years of fun from it, just as the different but equally nice rabbit puppet is given also did... the main thing being, the people who took the time to play with DS using them. Sigh. I was in the fog house ALL christmas for deliberately upsetting her with that one. Sigh again!

Anyway, hopefully you will look back and laugh... but I’m order to be able to do that, you need to create some distance right now. Emotional distance or physical distance or both, but some kind of distance is needed ASAP for you to feel safe and supported and under control again. When you are feeling under threat you can’t respond how you normally would.

Tinkerbell89 · 04/06/2018 21:14

I would look at ways of moving out and in the meantime keep baby glued to me and not allow her to take baby and refuse to hand them back. She has no right to the baby and definitely no right to refuse handing her back to her mother. If she refuses just take her back. Maybe look to get some advice from a health visitor or professional on the situation. Sounds like MIL is using your financial situation to take advantage and bully. Your partner should stand up for you, if he won't now when will he? I would stand up to MIL as you may live with her but I doubt she'll kick you out as you can take baby with you and she will only be hurting the child. Council would have to put you up with baby if you need it. Good luck but try to show her who's boss or this could be ongoing

Tinkerbell89 · 04/06/2018 21:17

I would look at ways of moving out and in the meantime keep baby glued to me and not allow her to take baby and refuse to hand them back. She has no right to the baby and definitely no right to refuse handing her back to her mother. If she refuses just take her back. Maybe look to get some advice from a health visitor or professional on the situation. Sounds like MIL is using your financial situation to take advantage and bully. Your partner should stand up for you, if he won't now when will he? I would stand up to MIL as you may live with her but I doubt she'll kick you out as you can take baby with you and she will only be hurting the child. Council would have to put you up with baby if you need it. Good luck but try to show her who's boss or this could be ongoing

Cary2012 · 04/06/2018 21:18

Have followed the thread but not posted yet.
Apologies if I've missed it OP, but what is MILs DH/DPs partner like in all this? Is he like MIL? Is he someone who could intervene on your behalf.

I don't think you need to overthink this, or burn your bridges: I do think you should have a break though, and a stay with your mum would benefit you and baby hugely. You need space away, because right now you're immersed in living in a confined world that is not a happy calm place. So take a break. No big deal, you're a new mum who wants some time with her mum. It doesn't mean the end. It doesn't mean that you and your DP will be ok. It just means that you can be looked after and crucially, relax. When you relax, you can unwind, and re-evaluate everything. This time next week you will be stronger physically and the future may be clearer.

You can't go on like this. You are, of course, emotional and at a low ebb. It's daunting, being a new mum, and I remember being overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of it all. If you can, and I know how difficult this will be, but try to take the emotion out of this and say something like, "Mum has invited me and baby to stay, so I'm going to take her up on her offer". You don't have to justify this. Just let them know, calmly, that you are having a couple of days with your mum. If those couple of days turn into a couple of weeks, then fine. Your feelings will become clear when you allow yourself time to heal.
Stop worrying about what MIL thinks: she isn't important in this at all. You are, and your lovely baby. So be selfish, for her sake. Dig deep, do what you want long term. Short term, grab breathing space.

Tinkerbell89 · 04/06/2018 21:19

I would look at ways of moving out and in the meantime keep baby glued to me and not allow her to take baby and refuse to hand them back. She has no right to the baby and definitely no right to refuse handing her back to her mother. If she refuses just take her back. Maybe look to get some advice from a health visitor or professional on the situation.

CommanderShepard · 04/06/2018 21:20

Well done, OP. You're a fantastic mum; don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Keep talking to us.

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