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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that just because I'll be on maternity leave that doesn't mean care for his DD falls on to me?

226 replies

MonaLisaTwist · 03/06/2018 12:22

Expecting first baby with DP. He has a child from a previous relationship who is 7. I'm due and of October and hoping to have a year of mat leave. DP seems to think that in this year he will have to take minimal leave during school holidays (he has DD for half of everything) because I am going to be off work and can take her. AIBU to think that she is not my child and whilst I am willing to help that he should be taking the time off work? I'm happy to have her some days but three weeks in the summer, a week at Christmas and all other bank holidays, half terms and teacher training days is a bit much? I'm also expected to do the school run 20 miles away and he now thinks that I can do pick ups too as I'm off work and he won't have to leave early.

Can't work out if IABU and that we are a team so I should just do all of this without complaint, or if HIBU to expect all of this from me so he can live the most convenient life.

OP posts:
EmmaJR1 · 04/06/2018 08:42

This isn't really about money surely.

You've had a child with this man so I assume you think he's a good guy and the one for you.

Therefore you take him you take his Dd- she's part of your family and you should want to share all family stuff.

HOWEVER- your dp needs to spend time with his dd so should still do as much as he can with her in his allotted time.

In fact you should all be doing stuff together to bond as a new family unit surely?

Troels · 04/06/2018 08:45

Just because you will be on Mat leave doen't mean he can check out of his responsibilities to his Dd. For me I would help out but not take on all the responsibility or the 20 miles school drop offs. You could quite easily find yourself with a baby like my first, who only tolerated 10 mins max in the car before screaming for the rest of the journey, I wouldn't put myself or the baby through thi daily.

TwoBlueFish · 04/06/2018 08:51

Of course he should still help with childcare. I would expect him to continue with school drop offs/pickups at least for the first few months. Holidays you should probably step up, maybe he has a couple of days off each holidays and you cover the rest.

frankencandy · 04/06/2018 09:31

The thiing is people say you are the stepmother and need to treat this child as your own. Well in that case you would probably pull her out of school that was going to put you in the car with a newborn for hours... guessing DH wouldn't be OK with that.

You're not her mum or dad, you don't get to make decisions over her welfare, this also means she isn't your job unless you are happy to make her your job.

slkk · 04/06/2018 11:11

Well as a teacher it has never really occurred to me to do anything other than assume main responsibility for childcare during holidays for my step children. And when I was on adoption leave, I did more after schools as well. That is not to say that my husband didn’t ever take time off so we could spend time as a family or so he could have time with his children alone. I definitely think your partner needs to step up and do more than usual in the weeks after you give birth (as my husband did in the hellish first few months of adoption), but really, to make dsd and the new baby bond as need to work as a family team, and if you are around more, then surely that means you will do more.

BasinHaircut · 04/06/2018 12:01

If her sd was her own, she would be at a closer school.

If SD was her own she also would have done all of this before and not be a first time mum to a brand new baby. OP deserves that time to learn and adjust, not just to physically recover from birth.

OP YANBU. His existing child deserves his time and attention regardless of what else is going on

Motoko · 04/06/2018 12:08

So OP, have you told him yet?

lizzie1970a · 04/06/2018 12:21

20 miles is too far. Is it rural so no option or close to the DSD's mother?

You can't be driving 80 miles a day or 40 miles if doing a drop off or pick up only. The baby could be sleeping - who wants to disturb it to change its nappy and put it in a car seat 5 or 10 times a day plus they shouldn't be in car seats that long - or it could be feeding - you going to stop feeding it as you have to get in the car by a certain time to pick the DSD up? That's just ridiculous. The baby will sleep in the car at times you don't want it to either.

He's being thoughtless. It's a straight no, I can't do it. Nothing to do with not wanting to do it for the DSD, you can't do it for the baby's sake.

ijustwannadance · 04/06/2018 12:29

The whole point of him having joint custody is to spend time with and parent his child. Tell him to fuck right off.

You are not on holiday, you are looking after your new baby.

He should be making sure older DD's routine stays the same whilst her world is changing. My eldest is 7 and as much as she loves the baby she has been jealous as used to being an only for so long and has played up a few times for attention. He needs to be there for all of you, not drop all responsibility!

Racecardriver · 04/06/2018 12:30

Honestly, I don't think that you are as committed as you think you are. His willingness to just make you do everything and your failure that accept SD as properly your own suggests that you haven't really integrated a a family fully. Barong that in mind you will probably have to fight with him to an extent to get him to do his fair share. In your place I would categorically refuse to do anything in the first two months because it is just silly to expect it. In future be sure to make sure that he pulls his weight with your baby, I suspect he will try to leave it all to you. Reading this I can't help but wonder whether his daughters mother split up with him in the hope that it would encourage him to do his part.

CheshireChat · 04/06/2018 12:51

You won't be able to exclusively BF if you're in a car all day. Newborns often feed constantly.

It's not healthy for a newborn to be in a car seat for over 30 mins tops and they need extra breaks, will DSD be happy to leave at stupid o'clock to account for this? Doubt it, she'll be resentful and for a bloody good reason.

KanyeWesticle · 04/06/2018 13:19

Any mother with a young baby should expect the father to step up care for older children, not use it as an excuse to bow out...
His daughter is there to spend time with him - and time off with his daughter now has the added bonus of family time with all 3 of you. Why is he avoiding that?! You are all a family now.
She also needs to know she is still his priority. He needs to continue to take school runs, days out etc. If he drops these now she is bound to feel replaced/parcelled off.
October half term, and christmas, I'd say he must take the time off and be available for her. School runs are his responsibilty. I'd review the situation for February half term or easter break, once you know how your baby travels, how you've recovered from birth, etc etc...

SleepingStandingUp · 04/06/2018 13:24

If sd was yours, and the current arrangement was what it was - early finishes etc and he decided he didn't have to do any of anymore because your having a baby so just sitting around all day he wbu. So he's being u.

You need to work as a family to do what is best for both kids - and that takes into consideration you recovering from the birth, poss c sec, breast feeding, daughter wanting to spend time with dad, daughter not being a total upheaval because Daddy has a brew bushy so doesn't need to bother with her any more

Feijoa · 04/06/2018 13:28

I think the issue is the massive workload your DP is expecting you to take on at this important time, not that dsd is a step child.

Having a baby is an unbelievably hard time, the first couple of weeks are a blur, there is healing happening to your body and all the stresses of feeding and caring for a tiny little fragile thing. To take on a new heavy driving schedule at 1 week post partum is unrealistic, unfair and maybe not even possible.

My DP still does morning drop off for our family although baby is older now. I agree with others, this is the time for DP to do more, not less and dsd needs to have to continuity of her dad’s care. YANBU at all.

blackteasplease · 04/06/2018 13:30

Yanbu!

He needs to be spending time with his dd, that's what he has contact for! Yes you might be a team and should help each other, but for the dds sake it should be her Dad doing as much as possible.

Plus with a new baby you should be looking at least for a while at doing no school runs at all - you will be knackered being up with the baby and the last thing you need when you are getting used to new motherhood is a 9am.deadline.

Takfujuimoto · 04/06/2018 13:45

gamb Metoodear go back to your other thread where you talk about teaching your DD to marry an equal as your OH treats you like an ass and leave this thread be.

They should have a 'just spat my tea out' face 😂😂😂

I agree with expat, just tell him how your ML is actually going to go and that he can fuck off with his childcare expectations.
Cf is that one op.

blackteasplease · 04/06/2018 13:48

Tak's advice is good. Just tell him how it will be!

funinthesun18 · 04/06/2018 13:59

If SD was her own she also would have done all of this before and not be a first time mum to a brand new baby. OP deserves that time to learn and adjust, not just to physically recover from birth

Exactly! This is why when people say "if she was your own..." it's pointless because she isn't her own and that makes the dynamics and circumstances very different in so many ways.

perfectstorm · 04/06/2018 17:43

OP, you've chosen to be a stepmother. And you are on your way to being the evil stepmother.

Codswallop.

I've had three stepmothers. I'm an aficionado. OP is doing just fine.

perfectstorm · 04/06/2018 17:45

I didn't think it was right that he has decided not to take leave and the days he finishes early he's decided he won't do this anymore as I am available. DD will never be picked up or dropped off at school by her dad. I'm not saying I won't do anything but he's literally decided he's going to do nothing whilst I'm on leave other than take a week off in summer. Even in the first month after I've given birth.

Him leaving early is an arrangement he has with work, it doesn't change his wages. He gets paid per shift. He had just decided he may as well not do it as I am available.

Grossly selfish. Unfair on you, unfair on your newborn, and unfair on his daughter. The only person to benefit from his unilateral decision is him!

Does he often do this sort of thing? Make choices over what you have to do, without your input, where he benefits and you lose out?

Dsc1907 · 04/06/2018 18:03

Are you his partner or his childcare provider?

Shumpalumpa · 04/06/2018 21:42

Metoodear go back to your other thread where you talk about teaching your DD to marry an equal as your OH treats you like an ass and leave this thread be

Shock
MayCatt · 05/06/2018 09:50

There are a lot of posters here who seem to be projecting their own issues onto this situation.

OP YANBU. It sounds like when you're together you have a lovely time with your DSD. That doesn't mean that you should do all the legwork with her now though. It's totally unreasonable of you DP to assume he can now shirk his responsibilities as her DF. He should be picking her up everyday but then split the holidays as you see fit.

AlexaAmbidextra · 05/06/2018 22:33

MayCatt. It’s always the same when a poster is a step-parent. The First Wives Club always makes an appearance to berate said SP as in their eyes, SPs deserve everything they get.

Juells · 06/06/2018 10:40

@AlexaAmbidextra

The First Wives Club always makes an appearance to berate said SP as in their eyes, SPs deserve everything they get.

Most pp have agreed with the OP that it's completely unreasonable.

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