to think that just because I'll be on maternity leave that doesn't mean care for his DD falls on to me?

[MonaLisaTwist]

Expecting first baby with DP. He has a child from a previous relationship who is 7. I'm due and of October and hoping to have a year of mat leave. DP seems to think that in this year he will have to take minimal leave during school holidays (he has DD for half of everything) because I am going to be off work and can take her. AIBU to think that she is not my child and whilst I am willing to help that he should be taking the time off work? I'm happy to have her some days but three weeks in the summer, a week at Christmas and all other bank holidays, half terms and teacher training days is a bit much? I'm also expected to do the school run 20 miles away and he now thinks that I can do pick ups too as I'm off work and he won't have to leave early.

Can't work out if IABU and that we are a team so I should just do all of this without complaint, or if HIBU to expect all of this from me so he can live the most convenient life.

@Adviceplease360 if she was biologically mine I would still expect her dad to chip in and do school runs when he could, I would expect him to take some time off in the holidays also. I wouldn't expect to have to do 40 mile round trips in the weeks after I've given birth when he's able to do them himself.

Not sure why father is in ' ' - are you implying that he's not a father? Apologies that I've chosen a man with a child already to have kids with! How awful of me.

@advice

Yes you may well do the school run but it would be to a School closer to the family home not a forty mile round trip.

It doesn't sound as if he actually wants to spend time with his child, sadly.

@monalisatwist Nope! Long term is for the duration of a child's life. Only a few unmarried partnership last that long.

You're entirely funding your maternity leave without any financial input from him?? That is absolutely shocking. It's his baby too! How can he possibly justify that - let alone expecting you to do the school run etc too?

Not your fault
you didn't have a child to consider, he did.

YANBU OP, he should continue taking care of his daughter, not dumping everything on you. He will also have to do his fair share with the baby as he is his father too. That means more work for him, not less, but that’s the way with young kids.

I think he needs to be reminded that his time with his daughter is contact time not a childcare arrangement.
He needs to adjust his expectations and I would refuse to do anything for the 2 months after the birth,he is assuming you will be able to drive?
You've been together 5years so his arrangements for his daughter should not change especially as she may need more attention from him with a new baby in the mix not less.

@Cadencia I earn more money than he does, I've saved the equivalent of my wages and more. If I need help he will help. We aren't that rigid with money. If I struggle one month he pays extra and vice versa.

He still needs to pull his weight with regards to his child.

Advice Not with a newborn, she wouldn't.

OP, if you have a c-section, you won't be allowed to drive for a couple of weeks anyway.

This might be an indication of how much parenting he will do for your baby. He only has a week off for the birth, what is he saving all the rest of his holidays for?

@Jaxhog yeah because divorce is bloody expensive

but you're not married so not in a committed long term relationship.

They are living together and having a baby together, so I would say that is fairly committed.

I think you should want to help out a bit, but not take the full brunt of it. Him not wanting to take any time off is ridiculous, especially when you will have just had the baby!

Does he plan on leaving everything to do with the baby to you too?

I think your attitude is right.

You're not saying that you won't help with sdd as you have before. You just don't want to commit to doing 100% of the care.

Maternity leave is for you to bond with the baby. And while normal life does continue he shouldn't drop all his responsibilities.

Has anyone considered how sdd will feel when her dad no longer bothers to spend any time with her.

It's not right that he's decided what's going to happen without discussion.

It's understandable that things will change slightly. Especially if, for example, not taking all the school holidays means he has leave when you can go away or doesn't have to work late other times to make up for it. But it needs to be discussed.

For example when I moved in with DH he stopped taking 2 weeks unpaid leave in the summer because I was here to look after DS. But that was discussed and decided together. That's where this situation is wrong. It needs to be discussed and decided between you.

Ok fair enough, it doesn't seem right to me but it's your decision. In that case definitely stand firm on the annual leave and school run!

@Mona

When I had just given birth my DH did all pick ups and drop offs of our older DC, as like l said before I was very unwell after giving birth and couldn’t drive one mile let alone 40!

@MadeForThis apparently not. I think most are more concerned about evil step mum not being willing to take over daddy duties!

YANBU!
So when does he plan to make time for his DD? Din’t want to insult you but I imagine she wants her time with her Dad and not you. How is your relationship with her? Plus it would mean just as DSD is adjusting to a new baby in her Dad’s life he drops loads of activity with her. Really not a good message for her to have!

Thus is your first baby, you’ve got a massive learning curve coming up and need to recover, and bond with your baby. Yes, once you’ve recovered doing more for your DSD would be reasonable but not everything! For your sake and DSD sake your DP needs to stop just th8nking of himself.

It sounds very mean of you in the absence of a back story but I'd want him to use some leave so we could do family stuff.

His child is not just a chore to be allocated. She's a person that needs to be developing a relationship with her father.

I'd be expecting him to do the school runs for at least the first 3 months anyway, even if DSD was yours.

And taking time off to be with your child - surely he should want to spend time with his Daughter??

What is he planning to do with his holidays instead then? Or is he self employed and wants to maximise income ?
I would have thought he would want to take the time off to spend with new baby too as well as his existing dd.
It's not your responsibility to look after your step daughter, but I would compromise and offer to do some off the childcare, but entirely dependant on new baby too.

He should take the holiday and finishes he always has.

Tell him it looks like new baby arrives and dad doesn’t take part anymore if he doesn’t.

Has anyone considered how sdd will feel when her dad no longer bothers to spend any time with her.

That's also a massive point. She's likely to feel some negative emotions, even if briefly, about another child in her father's life. The worst thing he could do when she's dealing with such a big change is to change everything