Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that just because I'll be on maternity leave that doesn't mean care for his DD falls on to me?

226 replies

MonaLisaTwist · 03/06/2018 12:22

Expecting first baby with DP. He has a child from a previous relationship who is 7. I'm due and of October and hoping to have a year of mat leave. DP seems to think that in this year he will have to take minimal leave during school holidays (he has DD for half of everything) because I am going to be off work and can take her. AIBU to think that she is not my child and whilst I am willing to help that he should be taking the time off work? I'm happy to have her some days but three weeks in the summer, a week at Christmas and all other bank holidays, half terms and teacher training days is a bit much? I'm also expected to do the school run 20 miles away and he now thinks that I can do pick ups too as I'm off work and he won't have to leave early.

Can't work out if IABU and that we are a team so I should just do all of this without complaint, or if HIBU to expect all of this from me so he can live the most convenient life.

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddog · 03/06/2018 15:21

The Dad is currently able to do the school run without any financial loss at work. It should be protected time when it's just the 2 of them imo.

funinthesun18 · 03/06/2018 15:30

So the dad does the school run. Why can't he just carry on doing it? Confused

Eliza9917 · 03/06/2018 15:31

@gillybeanz what's with this idea that you have to be married to be in a long term committed relationship? It's ridiculous. I don't want to get married, it's not on my radar. It doesn't make my relationship any less committed than someone who's signed a piece of paper. Long term surely just means a long period of time?

Being married is more committed than not being as two people have tied themselves together legally and therefore have legal obligations towards each other. You seem to have made rather a lot of replies regarding this topic compared to the state of your 'D'Ps attitude.

Pollaidh · 03/06/2018 15:41

Can you point out that this will lead to jealousy, resentment and a damaged relationship between him and his first born? She will be feeling vulnerable anyway, with a new baby, and I think being a half-sister etc is likely to make those feelings even more complicated. He should be giving her extra attention really.

I'd try to compromise. As far as possible no additional school runs etc in the first few months, because you'll be a first time mother and it's really hard. Some mothers are fine, but many will struggle with pain, tears, bleeding, breastfeeding, all the extra work, getting out of the door, PND etc. Maternity leave is not a holiday, and if he doesn't realise that, he's an arse.

Once you get back on your feet then a little extra time with his daughter would probably be well-received on both fronts, and hopefully by then his daughter will feel more secure. She might well love to help dress the baby, choose clothes etc, and would be nice for bonding. But he should definitely keep up the majority of his time with her.

gambaspilpilmyfav · 03/06/2018 15:41

Sounds like your a good step mum anyway and all your asking is that the current arrangement continues. Not sure what the issue is given it's already factored into your OH working hours.

Spanglyprincess1 · 03/06/2018 15:43

Hey Op I'm in same boat, pregnant with baby soon and a step mom to three. If it helps we discussed this in our family and I agreed to do some help eg before n after school while my other half works or some days in school holidays to take pressure off his work but not school runs as the drive is similar to yours. Surely he will want some school holiday leave to spend time with them - that's the point of contact!?
It's v.important for time alone with their dad as well as family time. The changes are so big anyway with a new half sibling.
Could a compromise be reached eg you do one school run a week and him the others as he has in the past? That way helping but he's maintaining contact.

Ref marriage point it's a bit of an old fashioned view tbh. Committed is committed, if u have children and a home together that's commitment.

PrimalLass · 03/06/2018 15:45

MN is obsessed with people not being married.

endofagain · 03/06/2018 15:53

I think a lot of us worry that women might not have made legally secure financial arrangements for themselves and their children if they choose not to get married.
It requires knowledge and effort to ensure that property and assets are put in joint names, life insurance policies are in place, wills are made and updated. It is so sad and frustrating to see women, particularly those who have taken time out of the work place to look after children, left high and dry if their partner dies or leaves.
Even in 2018 there are people who think there is such a status as common law wife.
It happened to a friend of mine a few years back when her partner of 15 years died. His family got everything and she got nothing. Was left homeless.

Original poster
MonaLisaTwist · 03/06/2018 16:09

I mention it in a few of my posts because people keep mentioning it to me. It's a response to something I don't agree with.

We own our house 50/50. We have life insurance policies in place. We only have joint accounts for bills and keep our own savings which we will spend as and when we need to. We are both generous with money and never squabble over what is mine and what is yours. I'm not worried in the slightest about how I would cope! We would both be fine. Just as he and his ex are.

OP posts:
Alienspaceship · 03/06/2018 16:10

I may have missed this but what is your DP planning to do with his leave instead?

woollyheart · 03/06/2018 16:11

You are not unreasonable to expect your partner to continue doing his share of care for his DD, the new baby and you. When I was on maternity leave, my partner took our first child to school so I could sleep after caring for new baby all night. You and baby will need caring for in the first few weeks and you will have your hands full after that. You need to make sure that he understands that you are at home primarily to care for your new baby, and he will have to continue to share housework and care of DD as before.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/06/2018 16:20

I wonder why his relationship with DD's mum ended...

gambaspilpilmyfav · 03/06/2018 16:32

As a step child myself it was my DF that I wanted to see. No disrespect to his partner but if he had simply disengaged (which is what your OH is planning on doing) when she had my sister I would have stopped visiting. This is a key time for his DD and she needs to know her DF hasn't stopped caring and part of that is not to suddenly change her routine when your new baby arrives.

Yogeybear89 · 03/06/2018 16:45

HIBU...not you hun!
Like you have said yes you will do a little more than usual as you will be on leave but for him to expect you to do everything! Especially having your first baby is selfish by all means!
When the baby arrives you are going to be extremely exhausted and the last thing you will be wanting to do is a 40 mile round trip etc etc.
Not only that why wouldn't he want to finish work early as before as after all you are expecting a baby him coming home a little early even if it is so he can pick his dd up , he can come home and help you when little one arrives.
Just say to him you don't mind doing a little more whilst you can, but once your very heavily due and once baby arrives he will have to do what he was doing before hand and the days you are feeling up to it you will help out more

ggirl · 03/06/2018 16:51

yanbu - he's showing his true colours as a parent , I feel sorry for his dd.

Snausage · 03/06/2018 16:57

OP it sounds as as if, financially, you and your DP are pretty even and that you do help him out considerably with parenting so for him to expect you to take pretty much sole responsibility for his child purely because you're on maternity leave is absolutely unreasonable.

What on earth is he planning on doing with all this extra time? If he has an arrangement with work which means he loses no money by picking up his daughter, what will he be doing with that extra time? Same for during school holidays... I'd understand him asking you to have her for a week if it meant he didn't have to take unpaid leave but that should be the absolute limit. Anything else or for any other reason is just taking the piss.

LashingsOfHamAndGingerBeer · 03/06/2018 16:57

Not RTFT but no, YANBU! To those people saying that she should act as though DSD is her child and accommodate both of DSD's ACTUAL PARENTS WITH RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER doing nothing whilst OP runs around doing everything - school runs and half holiday child care - that is ridiculous. I'm sure OP doesn't mind helping out sometimes but her DP's expectation that she will simply do so on her maternity leave is unacceptable. He is her father, he is responsible.

expatinscotland · 03/06/2018 17:01

This is just a non issue, he doesn't get to make decisions for you. You tell him, 'I'm not doing it. Any of it.'

Dieu · 03/06/2018 17:04

YABU.
Poor child.

Lethaldrizzle · 03/06/2018 17:12

If it were my child i'd want to take time off to spend with it rather than handing over to my new partner

Original poster
MonaLisaTwist · 03/06/2018 17:20

@Dieu care to elaborate?

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 03/06/2018 17:21

I don’t see the issue with you having her a bit more in the holidays as long as DP takes some family time off. However I would say no full stop to the drop offs & pick ups.

Yes if she was your own child you might have to do it but firstly, in most cases the school would be a short walk away. Secondly it would mean that the baby wasn’t your first child. First babies are hard work, some days even getting dressed is too much effort. By the time the second one comes along it’s much easier and school runs don’t seem so daunting.

Original poster
MonaLisaTwist · 03/06/2018 17:23

@gambaspilpilmyfav thank you for that perspective. As a step child also it was my DF I wanted to see at the school gates and am thankful that it was him and not SM (as much as I adore her!)

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 03/06/2018 17:24

Wot ^ @BoxsetsAndPopcorn said

Reading further, though, this. he's decided jumped out at me. What sort of life are you going to have together when he takes unilateral decisions that have a big impact on you. Sounds as if you funding your own maternity leave is more of the same. Time for some serious discussions about how your life, your and his, are going to work...

Now you are talking about your commitment to each other as having the baby together. Given what you have described above, it seems that commitment comes with some unexpected consequences.

would everyone who is pointing out the possible evils of not being married please note that OP has already told us that she is the higher earner, so the benefits of marriage and shared finances would be entirely for the man who is already deciding unilaterally that her maternity leave is his opportunity to dump his parenting responsibilities onto the OP. He sounds quite the catch...

I'd try to compromise great idea, with a partner who just decides seemingly without discussion...

Loandbeholdagain · 03/06/2018 17:30

He is BU. I think it’s unfair on your step daughter apart from anything else to barely see her dad. If this was my biological child, my DH would be expecting to take on more, not less care with a new baby coming. Is he seriously suggesting your baby spends 80 miles a day in a car?? (20miles there, 20 back twice a day).

This doesn’t bode well for him being a hands on dad.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread