to think that just because I'll be on maternity leave that doesn't mean care for his DD falls on to me?

[MonaLisaTwist]

Expecting first baby with DP. He has a child from a previous relationship who is 7. I'm due and of October and hoping to have a year of mat leave. DP seems to think that in this year he will have to take minimal leave during school holidays (he has DD for half of everything) because I am going to be off work and can take her. AIBU to think that she is not my child and whilst I am willing to help that he should be taking the time off work? I'm happy to have her some days but three weeks in the summer, a week at Christmas and all other bank holidays, half terms and teacher training days is a bit much? I'm also expected to do the school run 20 miles away and he now thinks that I can do pick ups too as I'm off work and he won't have to leave early.

Can't work out if IABU and that we are a team so I should just do all of this without complaint, or if HIBU to expect all of this from me so he can live the most convenient life.

@yeahforsummer not all babies are meticulously planned.

I'd be a bit concerned that he wasn't really that bothered about keeping contact up with his first child. It makes you wonder how much he'll do with his second.

Of course YANBU. A new baby is on the way, so your DP thinks that that's a good time to step back and do less than he currently does? He really does view maternity leave as a lovely baby holiday, doesn't he?

As others have said, this is a difficult time for young girl like your DSD - it's the worst possible time for him to stop collecting her from school. Also, if he isn't taking leave in the school holidays to spend time with her, when will he be taking that leave?

TBH, this is why I chose to not have children with somebody who was already a father. I have a lot of sympathy with stepparents; it's a very difficult role, being expected to look after a child who is neither legally or biologically yours, especially when they already have two 'proper' parents.

Op, what are the current arrangements for school runs?

If you were in a long term committed relationship then you should act like a family and be sm to his child.
But as you aren't then he should look after his own child.
As he's been here before with another woman what makes you think there won't be a third?
Is there some fear of commitment from him? Was he married to the mother of his first child?

So basically op should do everything with both kids because she should treat sd as her own.

But her dp gets to do sweet fa for either hold because he works?

I thought this was the kind of attitude mn was against?

FIzzygreen and AnoniMouser are spot on.

All this, 'He decided' 'he thinks'. Well, you decide right back and tell him, 'I won't be doing school runs or childcare for your daughter whilst I am on mat leave. My employer is paying me to look after my baby and recover, not become your childcare.' And that's it.

If you were in a long term committed relationship then you should act like a family and be sm to his child

Being in a family means looking after your own kid and not palming it off on your exhausted partner because you see her as a means to freee childcare.

'Family' is not an excuse to accept being treated as a servant.

you're not married so not in a committed long term relationship.

Guess I've not been in a committed long term relationship for 22 years then 🙄

If her sd was her own, she would be at a closer school.

If he's just deciding he won't be doing any of it at all then he is BU. He should still be stepping up and parenting your child. I would be expecting you to do more while being on mat leave, but it shouldn't just be now you do it all cos you're off.

In the first few weeks and months with a new born, I'd be expecting the other parent to be taking a more active role in parenting, not less! DH had to do loads more with DS1 when DS2 was born!

80 miles a day with a baby in the car? Nope.

YANBU

IAf she was biologically my own child,
i still wouldnt be happy for him to have less involvement and be expected to all the childcare and fetching and carrying while having a baby to look after.

Yes you can help out more but doesnt mean to say he gets a back seat.

OTOH if I had a partner with a child, especially wth 50% custody I would absolutely expect to treat that child as my own and help with their care. We'd be a family and we'd share out the labour fairly. OTOH your DH sounds like he's just being lazy with his childcare. Even if DSD was your biological child surely he'd expect to help out during your maternity leave. The fact that she's not makes it more important for her to have her dad provide consistency because she's going to feel like she's being palmed off on someone she doesn't even know that well.

Also if she was your child she obviously wouldn't be in a school so far away.

@gillybeanz what's with this idea that you have to be married to be in a long term committed relationship? It's ridiculous. I don't want to get married, it's not on my radar. It doesn't make my relationship any less committed than someone who's signed a piece of paper. Long term surely just means a long period of time?

You do have some kind of legal/cohabitation agreement in place of marriage right?

Yanbu. It is really sad that your dp is so keen to ditch his dd at the first opportunity and support you less.

I hope that he is more committed to you and your child over the coming years. That's if you want to stay with such a selfish man at all.

Oh come on, are you a team or not? This is your baby’s sister!

All these posters who say do it because you knew he had a child and she would do it if it was her own - need to give their head a wobble!

Biological child or non biological child, her husband has a responsibility to HIS child, not expecting his partner do everything with a newborn and he can get out of it!

80 miles in a car with a baby? Tell him to get stuffed. Maternity is to look after your child!

But if the DSD was OPs biological child, the school would be a lot closer.
OP would have experience of a newborn already and it wouldn't seem as daunting and overwhelming.

I have 2 children and what OP is proposing she does seems a lot of work

YANBU
Now you know why your DP is someone else's EX.

Yanbu.
I found it tricky enough getting to school on time when it was a 25 minute walk never mind a drive which could involve unexpected traffic, roadworks etc. How long would this drive take at rush hour? Could be over an hour in London.

What time of year are you due? If it's term time then your OH is completely unreasonable to expect you to do a long journey like that for the first few months when he can do it just fine. He's clearly not even considered what the journey will be like for dsd either. How will she feel sitting in a car with a screaming baby (mine hated long car journeys with a passion) and having to pull over, wait until you fed/consoled baby etc?

Personally I would commit to a day or two per week of childcare but absolutely no way to the school runs. On the childcare days, I'd expect extra help from him like cooking or coming back with a takeaway for everyone and clearing up. (He sounds like the type who will avoid household jobs too)

I think you need to lay down your expectations about how much housework you expect from him now. (Why do I suspect you do it all? ) Make sure you discuss a daily time where he is in charge of the baby so you can shower in peace.

The way I see it is that once families get together, the children are joint responsibility. I would never treat my two stepsons differently to my children, even if obviously I have a stronger emotional bond with my two. But that said, it still has to be fair. If your husband is working long hours and you are home anyway, then I think it is fair enough to have the SD. Obviously the school runs are tricky, 20 mins away with a newborn. That said, if it were your child, you'd do it and manage it and I don't think stepchildren should be treated differently.