to think that just because I'll be on maternity leave that doesn't mean care for his DD falls on to me?

[MonaLisaTwist]

Expecting first baby with DP. He has a child from a previous relationship who is 7. I'm due and of October and hoping to have a year of mat leave. DP seems to think that in this year he will have to take minimal leave during school holidays (he has DD for half of everything) because I am going to be off work and can take her. AIBU to think that she is not my child and whilst I am willing to help that he should be taking the time off work? I'm happy to have her some days but three weeks in the summer, a week at Christmas and all other bank holidays, half terms and teacher training days is a bit much? I'm also expected to do the school run 20 miles away and he now thinks that I can do pick ups too as I'm off work and he won't have to leave early.

Can't work out if IABU and that we are a team so I should just do all of this without complaint, or if HIBU to expect all of this from me so he can live the most convenient life.

If you are self funding your maternity leave then he should carry on with his obligations. If it's joint then you should do the DD stuff as you are either a family or not.

I never understand why people get with a partner with existing children then refuse to treat them the same as their own and just consider them family. It just tells the child they aren't part of the family and their other parent has replaced them.

@boxesandpopcorn I couldn't agree more.

He should continue as before. I'd agree regarding families being equal, but you're not married so not in a committed long term relationship.

Besides, your mat leave is for YOU and your baby, not to give him an easier time.

part of the package, you should have thought of that.

not married - how screwed are you if you split or something happens to him?

How long have you been together? It sounds like you don't consider his daughter to be a joint interest which is sad, but I do think he should take some holiday.

AIBU to think that she is not my child and whilst I am willing to help that he should be taking the time off work?

I can see the point you are making - because he should take a proactive role in the care for his daughter but this is very much the start of the end. This is going to lead to resentment, bitterness and divide. Good luck!

Are you a team or housemates?

Does he lose money if he leaves early to pick up? Will his wages go towards supporting your maternity leave?

Well alternatively you could pay for chdcare from your joint household income?

What does he normally do? Take unpaid leave?

You should have thought of this before getting pregnant to someone who has kids already. Not like there aren't men out there without kids.

I'm gonna guess his pay will help fund your maternity leave along with your pay so yes you should help. You either accept the daughter is part of your family now, or split up. Can't just ignore her now you have your own kid.

I think that you should do more than normal, because you're forming a family unit with OP and it's important that DSD doesn't feel excluded from that.

However, you'll be recovering from birth and battling with significant sleep deprivation. Plus potentially spending a lot of time sat on a sofa breastfeeding. He shouldn't underestimate how much harder it is to deal with a grown child + baby than just a baby. Plus, it's still really important for him to spend time with his daughter.

Perhaps there's a happy compromise somewhere. You could offer to do a week of summer, and half a week of the other holidays, so he'll only use half as much of his leave as normal?

And he really can't expect you to do the school run in the early days when you're just figuring out how to get a newborn out the house. It used to take me at least an hour to get ready to go out when I first had a baby... by which point the baby normally needed feeding again! It takes a little while to get into a routine with it, although once you do it shouldn't be too onorous. I would say he needs to continue to pick up his DD for at least the first 2 months and then reassess.

He is completely unreasonable! this is not your child! you are with a man that has a child. HE has a child, it's not yours, she's not supposed to spend time with you but her dad. It's HIS time with HIS daughter. you'll have your little one to take care of..

Talk to him and tell him he needs to take time off.

I'm funding my maternity leave entirely. I've saved the equivalent of my wages for the 6 months I will be unpaid.

I didn't think it was right that he has decided not to take leave and the days he finishes early he's decided he won't do this anymore as I am available. DD will never be picked up or dropped off at school by her dad. I'm not saying I won't do anything but he's literally decided he's going to do nothing whilst I'm on leave other than take a week off in summer. Even in the first month after I've given birth.

Him leaving early is an arrangement he has with work, it doesn't change his wages. He gets paid per shift. He had just decided he may as well not do it as I am available.

Eh, you're having a baby together yes? His DD is family, why aren't you treating her as such? I think he definitely still needs to take time off and chip in, especially the first few months while you settle your routine but surely after that you shouln't need him there constantly to watch your step daughter?

No you shouldn’t be expected to nor do any of those things.

I think it’s utter crap being told you should have know what you let yourself in for.

Hello, did the man not take care of his child before OP came on the scene and he must be dealing with hhim kid at and school runs whilst OP is not at home. So why does this change when she’s on maternity leave?

I’ve taken a years maternity leave, I have had no extra expectations on me beyond what I choose to do.

What if you have a difficult velcro baby who doesn’t sleep at night?

What if it takes time for you to heal after childbirth?

What if you just can’t be arsed?

Tell him clearly no you will not be doing anything differently for his child beyond what you currently do, maybe less in the weeks following giving birth.

And he should sort out all childcare and school runs as he would normally.

Although he sounds like a monumental arsehole and I feel sorry for you having a child with a man who is actively attempting to avoid parenting his oldest child and foisting it off on to you.

I couldn't agree more, it's his child and he should want to spend time with her. His daughter is not your responsibility.
Moreover, just because you're not married doesn't mean you're not in a seriouse relationship. I find comments like this disgraceful.
Don't listen to all the single, bitter, entitled mums here..

I think this is a clue to how he sees fatherhood. I agree his plan is presumptive and unfair on you; however it also rather ignores the fact that his dd would benefit from him being there in the holidays and for the school run. Unfair on her.

Why don’t you say his plans around this don’t work for you, and say what you are willing to do.

@specialsubject I wouldn't be screwed at all. I'm on a good wage and could absolutely live comfortably by myself. Don't see how what is splitting up has got to do with anything?

Imo she would also be classed as my child. But even biologically mine I would still expect dad to pitch in. So I agree with you on that. But I'd treat her as though she was mine.

@Jaxhog you have to be married to be in a long term committed relationship? That's news to me! I guess having a baby together isn't a commitment. I guess 5 years and continuing isn't long term

Has he thought about what he expects you to do in the holidays? I ask as l have a three month old baby and an eight year old, sometimes it’s quite difficult to plan something to keep both DC content. For instance, my eight year old likes to go on days out, have friends over etc but with a new born/baby you need to consider naps and your own sleep deprivation etc.

Also, you will not know how long it will take for you to recover from the birth. I was quite unwell and admitted to hospital several times in the those first few weeks.

IMO, I would say you’ll help as you are a family. But, I would be disinclined to do it all. For instance, a forty mile round trip twice a day on the days he has contact with a baby is crazy.

So when is he planning to spend any time with his daughter?

OP you are entirely right in what you are saying, he shouldn't expect you to do everything. He has made these commitments to his daughter and he needs to stick to them. Like you said you don't mind helping out but all of it shouldn't be up to you. Stand your ground and tell him before you go on maternity leave, nip it in the bud now.

Can I state that when she is here she is treated like she's mine, even though she's not. She's lovely, we have fun, we bake, I do school runs, I financially contribute, we go on holidays, I throw her birthday parties at ours, etc etc. We love her dearly. I just figured that all responsibility is being placed on me on the basis that I'll not be working for a year which I don't think is right.

If she was biologically your child, you would do the school run.
I blame the 'father' shouldn't have had another child with someone and concentrated on the one he did have.

Yes Advice but she's not biologically the OPs. That's the point.

If he's going to step up and do all the more housework whilst you are on mat leave and looking after his DD it might make it fairer.

Does he do half the housework/cooking now?