to think that just because I'll be on maternity leave that doesn't mean care for his DD falls on to me?

[MonaLisaTwist]

Expecting first baby with DP. He has a child from a previous relationship who is 7. I'm due and of October and hoping to have a year of mat leave. DP seems to think that in this year he will have to take minimal leave during school holidays (he has DD for half of everything) because I am going to be off work and can take her. AIBU to think that she is not my child and whilst I am willing to help that he should be taking the time off work? I'm happy to have her some days but three weeks in the summer, a week at Christmas and all other bank holidays, half terms and teacher training days is a bit much? I'm also expected to do the school run 20 miles away and he now thinks that I can do pick ups too as I'm off work and he won't have to leave early.

Can't work out if IABU and that we are a team so I should just do all of this without complaint, or if HIBU to expect all of this from me so he can live the most convenient life.

He’s taking the utter piss. It’s not even safe to have a newborn baby in a car seat for that long. I’d point blank refuse until the baby was 4ish months and then I’d only do it once a day, not all of them.

I'm pregnant with my second, and frankly if DH tried this with our DD I'd be telling him to get fucked. The fact that in this case it's a step DD makes it even worse.

Your maternity leave isn't an opportunity for him to reduce his responsibilities.

YANBU. Am just grateful that my DH actually actively always wanted to spend as much time as he could with his daughter. Yes I helped out when needed, and we had time all together too, but he did all the organising, lifts, care etc most of the time because he wanted to...

He sounds a right cf!! Like others have said, you may not be up to anything after giving birth. It can take a long time to heal.

"he's literally decided he's going to do nothing whilst I'm on leave other than take a week off in summer. Even in the first month after I've given birth."

So this is a unilateral decision of his, rather than one discussed and made jointly? I don't like the sound of this.

I would be very concerned about how his daughter will feel about this; at seven, she can pick up on a lot of stuff, and what she may well pick up from this is that her dad is all too happy to palm her off at the first opportunity. That he doesn't really care about her, she's just a burden to him. I think that possibility should be pointed out to your DP in the strongest possible terms.

Secondly - and excuse my French - fuck that shit. A decision on how you are going to conduct your maternity leave is not made without you having a say in it. And not just A say, THE say. You are his partner, not his staff, and him making this unilateral decision stinks of him regarding you as some sort of skivvy who exists to do his bidding. Let's face it, you've already sussed that - "or if HIBU to expect all of this from me so he can live the most convenient life." That is precisely his approach to this. Fuck his daughter feeling unloved, fuck his partner smelling a rat, I'm all right Jack.

Just laughed out loud at not married= not in a long term committed relationship. Is this 1950 and I missed the memo? Fucks sake.

Of course he should still take time off work to see his DD. It’s not necessarily about childcare but he should want to spend some time with her ffs.

Why is MN obsessed with bringing up the issue of unmarried mothers on a thread where the OP hasn't even raised it as an issue?

I'd be worried he'll be do the same to your unborn child should you decide to split up.

I wonder why his last relationship ended? He doesn't sound like a very good parent.

Just laughed out loud at not married= not in a long term committed relationship. Is this 1950 and I missed the memo? Fucks sake
Quite, and given the info about being by far the highest earner I’d say the OP is probably well-advised not to be married if her DC’s dad behaves like this anyway as it will mean he can’t claim against her assets when if they split up

OP you haven't answered whether he pulls his weight at home now and whether he is planning to.

What's he planing to do when you go back to work?

OP if your DP earns less than you have you considered splitting your maternity leave 50/50? Dh and I did this, and this meant he and his son from first marriage got to bond with our eldest without me and avoid jealousy as a new baby can really push a stepchild to think they are no longer wanted.

Also as a breadwinner and highest earner you need to consider implications of a long maternity leave. Unfortunately there are a lot of prejudiced employers out there.

It's fundamentally inaccurate to characterise marriage as a piece of paper OP. And having a baby with someone isn't a commitment to them.

But people were asking about the nature of the relationship because for some that would make a difference, and the stuff about self funded ML did make it sound like you might have a quite separate setup. Two individuals having a baby together rather than a couple, iyswim. That would make it definitely a piss take, whereas when you're one household and one family, there's a discussion to be had about how much is reasonable for you to be involved.

Anyway I don't think you're BU at all, particularly as he appears to be expecting you to get up to do long journeys unnecessarily in very late pregnancy and with a newborn. Why are you funding your ML yourself though?

If my ex had decided to hand over his responsibility to our DC to their stepmum I’d have been

When his wife had a child, there was absolutely no expectation that she would take over school drops and pick ups for him. He thought it was important to be just as present in his DC lives as before baby came along, otherwise they might resent the baby (and this is in the context of the DC loving stepmum).

This is your first child - feeding, seeping, everything will be new to you and you should have time to work out what you’re doing without stressing about school runs.

Married, not married, who cares.

What sticks out is the fact that HE has decided how HE thinks things should be and what will make life easier for HIM. Well, HE is not the one having the baby, you are, and your primary job during maternity leave is to take care of said baby. Which definitely does not include repeated long car journeys, etc.

As others have pointed out, life with a newborn is unpredictable. As he should know having already had a child. Who knows what will happen.

Also, regardless of you being a good or a 'wicked' stepmother, HE should want to spend time with HIS DD, not to mention doing his best to help you out as much as possible during what may well be a very trying time adjusting to motherhood. Instead he seems to be piling more responsibilities onto your plate.

Have you considered telling him that YOU have decided that he will continue fulfilling all of his parental responsibilities towards his DD as well as X, Y and Z while you take care of your newborn? See how he likes it.

Sorry @GreasyFryUp I didn't expect quite so many responses! He does pull his weight yes. Total clean freak! He's ex military but you wouldn't know it. His cleaning regime is like a military operation! He does about 70-80% of the cleaning, I do all of the cooking and food shops (he does try but we decided this way was for the best as he can't cook to save his life!), and I do all the washing and ironing (again because he shrinks things and dyes them pink ). I also do most of the gardening because I LOVE IT! So it's pretty even. It's literally just childcare for his DD that's the issue here.

@captainproton we did talk about it but I would like to exclusively breast feed if I can. We decided it was best that I took the full 12 months.

OP, you've chosen to be a stepmother. And you are on your way to being the evil stepmother.

@Ethylred how exactly is that so?

You're having a baby with a man who is quite happy to dump his daughter on you while he works. He also doesn't seem to think he should see her during the school holidays or on the school run. What a catch you've got yourself there

My problem with this would be that he hasn't asked, just assumed. I don't think it would be an unreasonable thing to ask (though not in the first few weeks) but it should be up for discussion!

I think it would be a little unkind to say no to all of it, as it smacks of 'she's your child not mine'. Maybe a compromise might be looking after her for part of the holiday and picking her up a few days a week?

Well, there's really no issue. You tell him. 'I will not be doing school picks ups or drop off or childcare. If you try to drop me in it I'll take her back to her mother and tell her you have refused to do your contact. Your daughter needs you more than ever at this time and you've got a responsibility to her.'

And no compromises. You have no idea what type of baby your child will be, some are quite high needs and you'll be shattered.

It is possible to ebf and work btw. When babies start on solids at 6 months they can normally cope ok on a morning and night feed only. Or you could express a bottle a day. I and many others do this. It’s your choice of course but I think it’s odd a man who has a golden opportunity to spend more time with his children and bond with a nr child decides to palm off all of it to his wife. I would be wary and think of it as a warning sign. This man clearly has entrenched views on gender roles whether he is aware of it or not.

Don't underestimate how all consuming and completely knackering first babies are.

You sound entirely reasonable. You are committed to his dd. You treat her as your own, you view her care as a team thing. If you are around, it's reasonable that you would do most of the holiday stuff with her. It's also reasonable to expect him to do school drop offs and pick ups 20 miles away when you have a new baby to look after. It's reasonable to think that he would take some paternity leave. Sounds like he's not thought through the implications of a new baby.