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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that just because I'll be on maternity leave that doesn't mean care for his DD falls on to me?

226 replies

MonaLisaTwist · 03/06/2018 12:22

Expecting first baby with DP. He has a child from a previous relationship who is 7. I'm due and of October and hoping to have a year of mat leave. DP seems to think that in this year he will have to take minimal leave during school holidays (he has DD for half of everything) because I am going to be off work and can take her. AIBU to think that she is not my child and whilst I am willing to help that he should be taking the time off work? I'm happy to have her some days but three weeks in the summer, a week at Christmas and all other bank holidays, half terms and teacher training days is a bit much? I'm also expected to do the school run 20 miles away and he now thinks that I can do pick ups too as I'm off work and he won't have to leave early.

Can't work out if IABU and that we are a team so I should just do all of this without complaint, or if HIBU to expect all of this from me so he can live the most convenient life.

OP posts:
Heroo · 03/06/2018 21:13

Maybe his lack of interest in parenting his child was why his firs relationship broke down...?

MuddyForestWalks · 03/06/2018 21:14

I agree with expat.

My DD was high needs. Breast fed hourly or more. Despised travelling by car - she would scream as soon as her arse hit the car seat and would keep screaming until we reached our destination. Woke up 4, 5, 6+ times a night and often stayed up for 2 hours at a time. Only napped on me. Fucking awful birth too, it was quite some time before I could walk without feeling wobbly, and my SPD lingered for months. It was bloody hard work. I suppose if I had needed to do school runs I would have worked it out somehow but you don't need to, because your DSD has a father who can do them.

GriswaldFamilyStaycation · 03/06/2018 21:25

Urge this thread. Op is a cow because she wants to actually spend some time with her baby. Dh lovely despite ignoring responsibility as a father.

And best of all posters who say he is funding her maternity leave. Uh no, he's contributing to the upkeep of his baby while she does the hard work. Why should women fund their own maternity leaves, they don't get themselves pregnant ffs

Juells · 03/06/2018 21:28

And best of all posters who say he is funding her maternity leave.

Haven't read the full thread, but I understood that the OP is funding her own maternity leave.

GriswaldFamilyStaycation · 03/06/2018 21:35

I was responding to posters who asked if her husband was part funding her maternity leave. As though it's a holiday and not round the clock child care and wet nursing for his baby

Metoodear · 03/06/2018 21:40

Wow 😮 if you have no intention of being this girls step mum why are you having a child with him

My dh treats my son as his own and I would kick him to the ducking curb if it was any other way your off any way so your just being a dick

Didiusfalco · 03/06/2018 21:46

This thread is bonkers. My dh continued doing drop off for dc1 because having a new baby is bloody hard! I don’t like the sound of him - seems all about making his life easier not thinking about what a hard adjustment you’re going to have.

funinthesun18 · 03/06/2018 21:49

Metoodear That’s just uncalled for.

Juells · 03/06/2018 21:50

@Metoodear
My dh treats my son as his own and I would kick him to the ducking curb if it was any other way your off any way so your just being a dick

How ridiculous. Drive 80 miles a day with a new baby? Fuck that. She is not being a dick, he is.

halesie · 03/06/2018 22:05

OP I find this odd too. Is he expecting you to drive 80 miles a day several times a week with a baby? With my DC that would have been a nightmare as they both hated the car and spent a lot of time crying loudly (even if they weren't also hungry / needing a nappy change). And you're not supposed to have young babies in their car seats for very long either.

If your DP stops picking up his DD and taking time off for her and she complains to her mum does he risk losing the current custody arrangement? That would be a pretty big reason for him to pull his weight, surely? And much as his DD may love having a baby sibling surely she'll be upset at always having to share you both with him or her?

rainingcatsanddog · 03/06/2018 22:10

Just laughed out loud at not married= not in a long term committed relationship. Is this 1950 and I missed the memo? Fucks sake

They always tell the higher earning spouse not to marry so when they divorce they don't have to pay spousal maintenance?!

gambaspilpilmyfav · 03/06/2018 22:10

Metoodear go back to your other thread where you talk about teaching your DD to marry an equal as your OH treats you like an ass and leave this thread be.

emmyrose2000 · 04/06/2018 05:50

It wouldn't bother me having SDS during the school holidays, but the school run would become my hill to die on. SDS will probably enjoy helping with the baby during the holidays.

Back when my DC1 was in his first term of school, I had to do a 45-60 minute drive each way, as we were in the middle of moving house from one area to another. It was awful! I would never do it again. The morning wasn't so bad as we would just get up, get ready, and go. But in the afternoon the motivation to do it all again was zero. I had a toddler, not a newborn, but there were still some days when I had to wake DC2 up to get him in the car.

I'm assuming DSD's school is near her mum. Why isn't she doing all the school runs? Why is DP doing it anyway? I only did it because there was no other option; but DSD does have another option - her mum. But if her mum isn't an option, then her father will have to continue doing it as he does now.

SharronNeedles · 04/06/2018 06:23

In theory I agree with your DH. Surely you would also benefit if he used his annual leave so you can do things as a family? A holiday? Just help out a bit when baby is little or you've had a really tough day?
Also, as PP says, you're either a family or you aren't. Saying "well she's not my daughter" is uneccessary as everyone knows this. It would just be nice if you could help out when you can as opposed to being expected to

NeverTell9871 · 04/06/2018 06:36

I'm currently on mat leave and had my baby in Jan. I look after DSD during her holidays along side my baby HOWEVER I had quite a traumatic birth which would have made it impossible for me to take care of any other children wether they were mine or not.

I don't think I'd have been impressed with DH to automatically assume I could have taken my DSD and he could ignore his responsibilities but as PP have said, it's about the team Work.

She also lives quite far away (about 35 miles) and with the baby it would make it difficult for me to do the school run. Again, we're quite lucky in the fact that DH works from home so he takes that role whilst I stay with the baby.

NeverTell9871 · 04/06/2018 06:40

Oh and in addition, I didn't get in a car for 2 weeks and most definitely did not drive for atleast a month!! So YANBU and I would not expect that from you so soon after giving birth. Smile

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 04/06/2018 06:52

It's very sad that he doesn't want to spend the time doing things for his child himself, as he has done, and the DD may well wonder why he doesn't if he follows that plan.

As other have said, this is a time when you'd expect him to step up and do more if anything (and if the older DC was yours by birth this would also be the case), having a new baby is no picnic, and having to spend many hours every day driving and getting in and out of the car would be hard (what would you do if it needs a feed? They aren't very predictable you know! Will you go half an hour early to collect her and drop her off, in case you have to stop and feed the baby? Or does the baby have to wait up to an hour?)

PuffinsSitOnMuffins · 04/06/2018 06:53

First and foremost, poor kid - her dad just had another baby and so he doesn’t want to see her any more? That would be the message to her.
The first couple of months with a new baby surely dads take on as much extra housework, care of older siblings as they can to allow the mum to cope with the physically knackering care of a new baby? Not dump 40 mile round trips on her.
Plus none of the plans for maternity leave should be decided unilaterally by him without discussion. ‘Being a team’ goes both ways.

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 04/06/2018 06:56

Surely you would also benefit if he used his annual leave so you can do things as a family? A holiday?
So this is the smaller family then - you're suggesting they go on holiday with the new baby, but without the DSD, and she doesn't get to have any more holidays with her dad? I think she may reasonably feel that her dad no longer values time with her, or wants her around, don't you Hmm?

FreddyFasbear · 04/06/2018 07:45

I had this happen with dds dad. He decided me being on mat leave meant he could abdicate all parental duty of his kids from his previous relationship to me. From the moment dd was born I was run ragged while he carried on with hobby, festivals, long lazy lie ins every day off and telling me it was “ my job “ because I was off work anyway. I ended up missing my dds early months Sad I also ended up with severe PND requiring therapy and years of antidepressants. Having your first baby is a massive shock no matter how prepared you are. Don’t let him do this to you or his dd. My ex stepchildren were upset at dads sudden disinterested attitude. I threw him out and only then bonded with my dd properly. Please don’t make the same mistake I did by sucking it up.

thegreylady · 04/06/2018 07:54

For the first 4 weeks after the baby and for the last two weeks of the pregnancy he should do more not less. Outside of that tell him to consider how his dd will feel. She will already be a bit insecure about the new baby and suddenly her daddy stops doing all he has always done with her..
OP YANBU at all.

RomeoBunny · 04/06/2018 08:03

Right can I just point something out here... kids only need a stepmum if their actual mother isn't around to parent or is fucking hopeless at it.

It is perfectly acceptable to take on the role of his partner WITHOUT taking on his daughter as her own (though nicely OP does) as she already HAS a mother.

Fucking hell. Spot the stepmums in this thread is easier than pissing in a bucket.

Kids don't need a 2nd mother or father. Those that try and fill that role when they already have occupiers need to give their head a fucking wobble.

Parents are allowed to just have boyfriends and girlfriends too. And have lives with them. And they are allowed to turn down roles acting as the kids parent. Because they're not!!

If the roles are filled then marrying someone doesn't make you the kids step parent. It makes you their parent's spouse. That is all! Stop overstepping your boundaries.

LakieLady · 04/06/2018 08:13

YANBU.

Although I wonder why you chose to have a child with a man who seems to think that childcare is women's work, and doesn't realise that this will be a difficult time for and for his daughter.

CrazyHippo · 04/06/2018 08:19

I think hes missing the point that the half custody hes obviously opted/agreed/faught for is his time with HIS daughter that he should be embracing.. not your time with his child while he works...

ohdearwhatcanthematterbee · 04/06/2018 08:30

I think he's being a selfish ass. He's putting extra work on you when he should be helping you, and he's totally ditching his daughter when she will need him most. Oh, and doing a slightly higher percentage of cleaning does not make it equal with your washing, ironing, shopping, cooking and gardening.

So what have you said to him, or what are you going to say?

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