to think that just because I'll be on maternity leave that doesn't mean care for his DD falls on to me?

[MonaLisaTwist]

Expecting first baby with DP. He has a child from a previous relationship who is 7. I'm due and of October and hoping to have a year of mat leave. DP seems to think that in this year he will have to take minimal leave during school holidays (he has DD for half of everything) because I am going to be off work and can take her. AIBU to think that she is not my child and whilst I am willing to help that he should be taking the time off work? I'm happy to have her some days but three weeks in the summer, a week at Christmas and all other bank holidays, half terms and teacher training days is a bit much? I'm also expected to do the school run 20 miles away and he now thinks that I can do pick ups too as I'm off work and he won't have to leave early.

Can't work out if IABU and that we are a team so I should just do all of this without complaint, or if HIBU to expect all of this from me so he can live the most convenient life.

While you are there to help out he needs to continue with as much of her routine as possible. Otherwise it will look like to her he doesn't care about her and is only interested in the new baby. The fact that he's not actually there for the new baby either isn't something she will see or understand.

Oh I haven't read the thread properly if you've literally just had the baby then no I'd not want to take it all on.

In the holidays though 7 year olds can be quite handy.

Your attitude is totally fair OP and your DP is taking advantage of the situation. Things should continue as they are during your maternity leave which is for you and your baby to bond and get into a routine.
Your DP has the attitude many men have, that a sah mother has it easy, has very little to do each day. No wonder his first relationship with SDs mum didn’t last. You need to be very firm and just refuse to take on extra responsibility and hopefully, once he sees how much time your baby needs he will drop the idea.
After the birth of a new baby one expects a considerate father to take on more responsibility for any older children, anyway.
You are pulling your weight financially and running the household do not agree to his abdicating his shared responsibility. Also if he gives up his right to shorter shifts he may find he loses the right permanently. Says a lot that he’d rather work for no extra pay than care for his own daughter

I think it would be fair to help during holidays but not the school run if he has a prearranged set up with work. It will be lovely for DSD to have that time alone with her Dad and for you to spend with the new baby.

I would expect him to do less but not none of it. However I would expect him to be contributing funding to my matleave!! In particular though I would do zero extra parenting of sd in that first month after having baby. I’d simply say I’m healing and caring for a newborn who is our child, one of the ways you will facilitate that is by continuing to contribute to parenting your other child. I’m not going to take sd, or pick her up. If you don’t then she will be absent and the school will be phoning you to ask why. I doubt they will be impressed by ‘my partner had a baby so I’ve stopped parenting’.

no common law in england. whose house? funding if one of you dies given there will now be an extra dependent?

sounds like both of you regard the existing kid as a chore.

I can see both points of view really. You will be at home so it means he can get on with work regardless of pay change it might make the load easier if he is there to complete the work rather than leaving over for the next day etc. He should still take a week at least off in the summer, but I don’t see the harm in you doing a bit more seeing as you’re family and you take on all that comes with him, surely? Or will you treat the baby and his daughter very differently. That could make things awkward for his daughter and potentially your relationship too.

Oh here we go. Whatever happened to the MN collective mantra that fathers should do 50% of childcare and that bonding with and caring for a new baby is a full-time job? Silly me, I forgot. OP is a step-parent.

YANBU. I’m contemplating my third maternity leave and fully expect DH will continue to do (for our children) what he does already.

How soon after the birth does he expect you to do the school drop off and pick up? Because being in a car seat for 80 miles a day is a lot for a newborn.

To those saying the DP's DD is part of the family - so is the DP, so is HIS partner (the OP) and so is the new baby (HIS).

If anyone's making this 'not a family' it's the DP who doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with any of them.

@specialsubject I don't regard her as a chore at all, I just think the responsibility for her should be joint whilst I am on maternity leave and he should want to continue with picking her up from school and want to take time off in the school holidays to spend with her.

It's probably too late now, but perhaps you should consider having him take 3 months of shared parental leave when you go back to work?

It sounds like he's the type of man who might leave all the childcare to you because he 'doesn't know what the baby wants' and 'it wants you anyway' etc. Make him learn at the same time you're learning, or you'll be doing everything forever more. Plus all the childcare for DSD on top (it sounds as if he can't wait to drop it).

When a new baby comes along, ordinarily, the higher earner (you) would stay at work full time and the lower earner (him) would adapt his schedule to accommodate the childcare. Obviously you may not want this (which is totally fine of course), but you could suggest he explores his options for going part-time after you finish mat leave?

You need to put your foot down now. It will get worse.

So you're supporting him financially and he's expecting you to be a full time parent in his absence?

(Sorry, I know that's not what you asked, but I can't help thinking that he's making a lot of assumptions about the care of both of his children that he shouldn't be making...)

AIBU to think that she is not my child

Yes, you are BU and your DP is also being a shit parent trying to palm off all parenting duties on you.

I feel very sorry for the child involved and no doubt his attitude will be the same with the next one.

YANBU! it doesnt sound like he's planning on spending much time with either of his DC. What would happen if you decided to do the bare minimum of parenting?

Did he want either child? As he seems to be ducking out of being a father.

OP, please ignore those on this thread who are being nasty and using you as an opportunity to play bash-the-stepmum. My DP and I have a baby and he has two older DC. There is no way he would expect me to take over his contact time with them while I was on maternity leave, but of course I would help if needed. Your DP really needs to keep the routine going with his child to help her adjust to the new baby; that's what we did and everyone is getting on great and the kids love the new baby. You've already said you're happy to help out but sadly some posters on here appear to be bitter saddos who are ignoring that fact.

YANBU - he's taking 2 weeks paternity leave isn't he?

Have you posted about this situation before under a different name?

As school is 20 miles each way, there is no way you will be able to commit to that with a newborn. It's really unfair on you, on new baby, and on DD as you will undoubtedly be late/stressed.

He should be making every effort to ensure things carry on much as before for his existing DD. Maybe when the baby is older you might be able to do more scheduled pick ups and drop offs, but no way would I agree to this in the first 5/6 months.

Of course he should continue with the school run and take time off to spend with her in the holidays! He’s being a dick.
He’d be mad to tell work he no longer needs to leave early.. what happens when you go back to work exactly? I presume he will resume school pick ups? What makes him think his employer will agree then?
OP ignore the people who hate those who aren’t married. They assume women don’t have well paid jobs and are relying on their husbands. So boring. We’re not married either but have wills, joint house etc and I too could live on my own.
I think your dp is taking advantage.. while you’ll do more obviously, he should dream on if he thinks he no longer has to be a real and present father to his daughter

Also newborns aren't meant to be in a car seat for longer than 30 minutes at a time and 2.5 hours in a whole day. Would you even be able to do the school run and back in half an hour?

I think the fact she is your SD is a red herring. If the current situation (him dropping off / picking up, taking time off in the holidays) is working, I don't see why it should change just because you are on mat leave. Your leave is for you to recover from birth, bond with the new baby and enjoy your time. That's much harder when having to fit in all the school runs and taking care of another child's needs single handedly.
We kept our first in nursery for most of the week when I was on mat leave with my second. My DH did drops offs and pick ups and kept his condensed hours so he could be off with us all one day a week. I got to make the most of my time with the baby and our days didn't revolve around pick ups/drop offs so I didn't need to worry about timings of feeds or naps.

How rubbish for you. I remember the first year with my first baby and it was
a massive learning curve. I used to lay in bed with her all morning drifting in and out of sleep in the early days because I was knackered. I was getting used to being a mum for the first time and looking back I think I had post natal depression which I didn't realise until I had it with dc2 diagnosed properly.

The thought of having my first up and and down year as a new Mum with another child in tow having to entertain them wouldn't have been great.

Yes it's fine to have your step child on and off but not solely for weeks at a time, especially with a new baby.

You might be a family unit per se but his dd has come to see her dad so not seeing him most of the holidays is surely missing the point of him having her in the holidays?