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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that just because I'll be on maternity leave that doesn't mean care for his DD falls on to me?

226 replies

MonaLisaTwist · 03/06/2018 12:22

Expecting first baby with DP. He has a child from a previous relationship who is 7. I'm due and of October and hoping to have a year of mat leave. DP seems to think that in this year he will have to take minimal leave during school holidays (he has DD for half of everything) because I am going to be off work and can take her. AIBU to think that she is not my child and whilst I am willing to help that he should be taking the time off work? I'm happy to have her some days but three weeks in the summer, a week at Christmas and all other bank holidays, half terms and teacher training days is a bit much? I'm also expected to do the school run 20 miles away and he now thinks that I can do pick ups too as I'm off work and he won't have to leave early.

Can't work out if IABU and that we are a team so I should just do all of this without complaint, or if HIBU to expect all of this from me so he can live the most convenient life.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 03/06/2018 13:20

Absolutely bloody not.

If anything, he should be anticipating even more demands on his time as he now has two children, not one, and a partner who is going to be entirely taken up with the intense period of newborn care for the foreseeable.

So not only is he absolutely bloody going to be doing school runs, he needs to be thinking about the extra he will be taking on around the house - cooking, cleaning - as your schedule is going to change immensely (and you are also going to probably be quite sleep deprived).

Soooo - why did he split with his DD's mum?

Is it because when said DD came along, he assumed that all the extra work that comes along with parenthood belonged firmly in the lap of his domestic servant much loved wife?

Doofenschmirtz · 03/06/2018 13:22

His DD is going to notice that the sudden drop in time spent with her dad coincides with the arrival of the new baby. It's the worst possible time for him to take a step back from her.

I wouldn't want to do this even if both children were biologically my own. I can see how your DP will benefit from this but what about the two children? DSD sees much less of her father. The new baby has to make regular 40-mile round trips in a car-seat for the school run.

There's room for compromise but I think your DP's suggestion will create far more problems than it solves.

almostbutnotquite · 03/06/2018 13:24

I think your opinion on this is spot on OP.

I had a similar situation to this a couple of years ago. I have dcs and dp has one. At the time I wasn't working and I had a summer holidays schedule emailed to me which had come via his ex with the message, 'see what almost can do, it might save 'us' some money'. I was not happy at all. Much as I love him and his dc I'm not going to be viewed as a money saving childcare option

He understood my pov and doesn't ask now. I do what I can but it isn't expected.

Eliza9917 · 03/06/2018 13:30

Sounds like you've got yourself a right catch.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 03/06/2018 13:30

There’s no way you should be taking over from him at all, he should be doing MORE not less.

There’s no way you should be putting a newborn baby in a car seat for a 40 mile round trip twice a day, especially unnecessarily.

Get him told now that he needs to keep doing the school runs and taking the time off in the holidays because it’s what needs to happen.

He’s a cockwomble. You need to protect yourself financially & emotionally because, I’m sorry to say it, but I think you’ll slowly come to realise why his ex is his ex. Get him told and his thinking adjusted or get him out of your life.

CombineBananaFister · 03/06/2018 13:34

Yanbu - it's not about convenient childcare, it's about contact/quality time with his DD. There should be a better balance than this for all of you involved.

sonjadog · 03/06/2018 13:35

I think he is now showing a side to him that you haven't seen before. If I were you, I would be listening very carefully to what he is saying and doing. You may find he is not the man you thought he was.

Glitterbaby17 · 03/06/2018 13:35

We had this situation but DSD is a bit older. I did more for her while I was on mat leave because I could but there’s no way OH would have expected me to drive 80 miles when DD was tiny. But it did mean I could do stuff like support with homework and reading, inset days etc. I think there’s a bit of a compromise - I’d say no to doing the pick ups and nothing extra for first couple of months but maybe after that having some days in holidays or helping in morning would be ok?

Juells · 03/06/2018 13:41

Haven't read the whole thread, but you're just not going to be able to do all he's expecting of you when you have a new baby. Fuck that! He should be doing more, not less.

YearOfYouRemember · 03/06/2018 13:41

It sounds like the issue is more the dad isn't just expecting you to do it all, OP, without asking.

I'd tell him for the first month he does everything as it is now and you will assess how you feel on a weekly basis. Maybe you will be more amenable to have her in the holidays if he's done what he should in the school time…

YearOfYouRemember · 03/06/2018 13:42

Ffs IS expecting...

endofagain · 03/06/2018 13:49

He should maintain continuity for his dd. She will feel very pushed out otherwise.
You will need time and rest to recover from the birth and establish feeding.
If you have a c section or perineal trauma you are not going to want to drive for a few weeks.
A newborn should not be in a car seat for more than about 20 to 30 minutes at a time.
All of the above are good reasons for the existance of paternity leave.
Your dp sounds thoughtless and a bit lazy.

DarlingNikita · 03/06/2018 13:51

I agree you should act as a team and a family, but 'he has decided not to take leave and the days he finishes early he's decided he won't do this anymore as I am available' sounds as though he's decided to do LESS than he does at the moment, which isn't on.

You should be considered to be looking after the new baby/resting, not 'available'. If both kids were biologically shared I'd expect the DP to keep doing the school run for the older one while the new mum focused more on the baby.

Original poster
MonaLisaTwist · 03/06/2018 13:58

@happypoobum nope. Never posted about this before!

OP posts:
user1471590586 · 03/06/2018 14:06

There was a similar post the other day. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3262164-DESPERATE-for-advice-Is-my-DP-being-fair?pg=1&order= Most people thought that the father was being unfair expecting the op to do all the childcare.

Beamur · 03/06/2018 14:10

YANBU. Fair enough to help, but expecting you to do it all? Not fair on you, the new baby or your SD. Put your foot down right back at him.

funinthesun18 · 03/06/2018 14:18

Yanbu. He should be taking some leave. And as for the school runs why can't existing plans just stay in place? If she has a place at an after school club for example, won't she need that after your maternity leave too? Better to keep her place than lose it for the sake of a few months.

Bibesia · 03/06/2018 14:23

I suspect your stepdaughter's mother might have something to say about this. The whole idea of contact is that the child has contact with her father, not that he should push her off at every opportunity onto his new partner.

perfectstorm · 03/06/2018 14:26

He's treating maternity leave like it's a holiday. Absolutely, as the baby gets older and you have more sleep etc then I'm sure you will do more, as you'll have more time. But in the very earliest days, is he expecting to share all night duties with you? Or are you meant to fit a newborn around his parental responsibilities after being awake all night with his youngest?

Obviously if you have more available time and energy, this makes sense. But she has a mum already, and that's not you. He can't do less with and for his own child by assuming you will - how is that fair on her? He needs to recognise that you are likely to be more tired, not less, with a tiny baby, and that he if anything needs to do more, and not less.

MuddyForestWalks · 03/06/2018 14:27

If you were SD's biological mother, expecting DC2, your partner would get roasted alive for changing a satisfactory existing arrangement, fucking off his older child and landing you with 40 mile round trips twice a day with a newborn for no good reason whatsoever. He's being a total prick, and utterly unfair to you, your SD (who will feel like daddy has stopped caring) and your new baby, who really shouldn't spend more than 30 minutes at a time in a car seat as a newborn.

perfectstorm · 03/06/2018 14:27

Incidentally, my DH did more with and for our eldest when our second was a baby, not less. Because a new baby is hard work, and because we didn't want the eldest to feel pushed out.

perfectstorm · 03/06/2018 14:28

x-post with muddy, who was much more eloquent! Completely agree.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/06/2018 14:29

He should continue as before. I'd agree regarding families being equal, but you're not married so not in a committed long term relationship.

This is a ridiculous and offensive statement.

I'm always amazed that people can be so narrow minded as to consider that the choices they make it life are the only correct ones. It just isn't the case!

Op, I think that there are bigger issues that childcare for your stepdaughter - why are you self funding your maternity? The father should be at least contributing, you are saving him a huge childcare bill. Also the idea that as soon as you have a baby he can opt out of childcare is bad. I do think that the parent at home would normally look after all dc, but the idea that your dp wants to place extra demands on you when you have a newborn is unfair.

yeahforsummer · 03/06/2018 14:32

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable. Mostly for not talking this stuff through before you decided to have a baby together. You are going to need his support to parent the new baby, he can't just leave you to do all of the parenting of both children. You are a family unit so I'm not sure how helpful splitting DC into my DC, not my DC is going to be for you in the longer term given how much time sdc spends with you. That said it really doesn't seem like you are having a baby with dad of the year material so I would be clear with him what kind of support you are looking for.

WineAndTiramisu · 03/06/2018 14:39

You're definitely not being unreasonable.

If you end up with a caesarian, you can't drive for 6 weeks anyway (dependent on healing and insurance company), and small babies can't do long car journeys.

I've currently got a 6 week old. Not a chance of me making it out of the door in the morning anywhere near on time for a school run, first babies take time to get used to!

Google the advice re babies and car seats to show him, it's just not possible. Also his dd is going to feel really left out if he's not spending any time with her

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