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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in expecting MIL to pay for my ceiling repairs

200 replies

Justnonono · 03/06/2018 01:31

I am currently sat downstairs with a large glass of wine and DH is still on the phone to MIL.

Me and DH went out tonight for the first time in a while and MIL offered to sit our 4yo DD. MIL is usually easy to get on with but has a habit of overstepping boundaries occasionally, she has left me a few times feeling that my privacy has been invaded.

Me and DH have a spare room that has a desk, storage and a pole in. Fitness, dance or stripper pole whatever you want to call it. I've used it since having DD. The door is always locked but has a key in the lock that we leave in there. The room has a lot of personal papers of mine, old pictures, journals that sort of thing.

So we left for dinner, we were out until 10, got home everything all good and DD is fast asleep upstairs. MIL keeps us chatting for an hour, said she hoped we had a good night and reassured us everything was fine. DH drops her off as he hasn't had a drink.

I go to get changed, everything seems okay and then I go to get my iPad from the spare room. The pole has come away from the ceiling hit my wall and knocked my art off the wall as well as that there's a huge hole in the plaster in the ceiling. Think football sized.

I ring DH and he is already on his way home and equally as shocked as me, I asked him to ask MIL. DH gets home and texts his mum asking if she's still awake, she is and he asks if he can give her a quick call. She denied even going in the room, she said she didn't know I even kept a pole in there, which is a complete lie as she knows I've been doing it for a few years. Obviously I'm getting quite pissed off at this point because I know a pole, held up the way it is cannot just fall down in that way causing a huge hole in the ceiling.

DH has seen the damage and basically tells her straight that he knows she's been in the room because glass from the artwork has been cleaned up!! She completely backtracked said that she had been in but only briefly so she wasn't lyingHmm and that she bumped into it, tried to put it back up.

I'm sorry but I just don't believe her, she has no explanation as to why she went in there. I really think she has been on it and it's come away as she exceeds the weight limit. DH said the hole is where she's tried to force it back up without knowing what do properly.

I'm fuming, I feel like she's invaded my privacy, she's probably gone in to snoop as she has done with my things before and she's refusing to even pay for the damage she's caused or even apologise. AIBU??
Surely this story she has come out with doesn't make any sense, FIL is siding with her and has said it's an accident.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 03/06/2018 01:35

Oh dear.

PintOfMineralWater · 03/06/2018 01:36

Wouldn't insurance cover that? I'm not sure it's worth falling out over. If she is that "snoopy" I would just avoid having her round on her own again, and make that clear.

Lacucuracha · 03/06/2018 01:39

i would definitely get her to pay for repairs.

Otherwise she'll think she get away with these things.

Returnofthesmileybar · 03/06/2018 01:40

It's an awkward one, sounds to me like she was practising pole dancing and is now absolutely mortified! A lot would depend on whether there any evidence of paperwork etc being moved around? Has she form for snooping? And our general relationship to be honest. Can you afford to fix it yourselves? Not that you should have to but given the nature if I could I would, I think

SnowGoArea · 03/06/2018 01:42

Bloody hell, the lying about it and then defending herself is the worst bit.

If she said "I'm so sorry, I snuck in to have look at your pole and I've broken it. I know I shouldn't have even been in there. I'll obviously pay for the damage, please forgive me" then you'd be irritated but ultimately fine.

greenvalleys · 03/06/2018 01:42

Poor woman, she must be mortified. But yes I suppose she should offer to pay.

Lollypop701 · 03/06/2018 01:46

Uanbu at all. But... where do you want to take this? Is the damage easy to fix? do you want to fall ou with her? She’s family, albeit nosy (most Dm,mil) .if you don’t want her to snoop lock the room, remove the key. I completely get she has overstepped the mark(hugely) but sometimes family shit happens and you have to bite the bullet. Whilst making it known WONT be acceptable ever again and you know that it did. Family harmony sucks

Original poster
Justnonono · 03/06/2018 01:47

She has been through my phone before and tried to say she was looking for pictures of DD to send to herself. We can afford repairs but I'm so mad with her I feel like there's no consequences for anything she does. I don't know for sure if she's gone in there with the intention to have a go or to look around and just done it on a whim.

But she's lied whichever scenario it is. I don't think papers have been moved but I didn't look fully I was more shocked the state of the place. DH had come of the phone now.

She has called Me ungrateful and has said she won't be paying for anything as I should have had it set up properly. Not once has she explained why she was in there.

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 03/06/2018 01:52
Hmm
AjasLipstick · 03/06/2018 01:52

I wouldn't ask her to pay but I would not ask her to babysit ever again.

She'll know why.

liz70 · 03/06/2018 01:56

Tbh it doesn't sound very safe. I'd expect a sturdy steel pole, fitted into equally sturdy steel sockets that are securely bolted into a beam at the top (preferably secured from inside the loft), and floorboard at the bottom, and capable of taking up to around 25 stone in weight, possibly more. Are you saying your MIL is that heavy?

Am the only person picturing this as a Beryl Cook style postcard scenario?

greenvalleys · 03/06/2018 01:57

Bloody hell, it's a tricky one. So now it's your fault because you didn't set it up properly, I'd just leave it now Op, she sounds bloody hard work.

TattyFrench · 03/06/2018 02:00

How old is she? I've got a picture of an 80 year old woman, wistfully trying to re-capture her youth, in my head.

She probably feels completely embarrassed, she tried to do whatever it is you do with a pole and it collapsed. To be honest, aside from the locked door, personal stuff, it's the sort of mishap where you get that 'oh shit!!' feeling and you can't possibly tell the truth because it's too humiliating. She shouldn't have gone in a locked room with personal possessions in but maybe she was just itching to try and pole dance? And it went badly wrong.

I'd save your ire for a different day and look on the bright side.

humdiddlydoo · 03/06/2018 02:01

This shouldn't be funny but it is.

TattyFrench · 03/06/2018 02:02

Liz70 that's exactly what I had in my head.

Duck90 · 03/06/2018 02:04

Yabu for having a pole that is not adequately fitted. If it wasn’t mil, it would have been you eventually.

Original poster
Justnonono · 03/06/2018 02:08

It is very secure DH tests it occasionally for a laugh, it can take around 17 stone, it has extra supports to stop it shaking as it rotates, this is why I don't believe she's bumped it. I'm not sure how heavy she is, she is really tall also so this may contribute.

I wouldn't be so mad if she would have just told me, it's because I just feel like I can't trust her anymore. It's that she knew I would go in at some point and see my picture smashed, the marks where it has hit the wall and the plaster that's gone all over, and yet she's said nothing and kept chatting for an hour. I know it does sound funny but I'm so annoyed about it!

OP posts:
Pebbles59 · 03/06/2018 02:11

I've a feeling that if this was caused by anything other than a pole, people would be much more empathic.

TattyFrench · 03/06/2018 02:12

How old is she though, just for context, because a 45 year old MIL is different to an 85 year old MIL. And her reasons for trying your pole will come from a different point.

ourkidmolly · 03/06/2018 02:12

Honestly, it is annoying but just let it go. In the long run, it'll cause greater friction to keep on at her for an admission of guilt or whatever. Everyone knows she's culpable. She's obviously mortified and daft. I mean that's really nosy to poke about in a locked room.

Original poster
Justnonono · 03/06/2018 02:13

duck90

It is adequately fitted. It has supports, they're drilled. It can only take a certain amount of weight.

I bought it for myself therefore picked what was appropriate for myself not anyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justnonono · 03/06/2018 02:14

tattyfrench

She's 56

OP posts:
Myimaginarycathasfleas · 03/06/2018 02:17

Tell her you have a motion sensitive camera in there and if she doesn’t pay for the repair the footage is going on YouTube Grin

emmyrose2000 · 03/06/2018 02:20

I'd definitely be expecting her to pay! Whether that's via the insurance excess or straight up replacement payment would depend on the amount, but either way, she needs to pay up.

The lying would piss me off more than anything. Did she think you woudn't notice a giant hole in the ceiling and broken painting?!

TattyFrench · 03/06/2018 02:24

Oh, so not an old lady trying to clumsily re-live her youth. Sorry, for some reason I really did have a picture of someone the age of the Queen trying to pole dance on the sly.

If she's 56 that takes my 'old lady/means no harm' image away and I'd be mightily pissed if too. She went into a private room, wrecked it and then lied about it. I guess she's very embarrassed and I don't really have any advice. She must be mortified.

Maybe Poke Dancing lessons voucher for Christmas?