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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in expecting MIL to pay for my ceiling repairs

200 replies

Justnonono · 03/06/2018 01:31

I am currently sat downstairs with a large glass of wine and DH is still on the phone to MIL.

Me and DH went out tonight for the first time in a while and MIL offered to sit our 4yo DD. MIL is usually easy to get on with but has a habit of overstepping boundaries occasionally, she has left me a few times feeling that my privacy has been invaded.

Me and DH have a spare room that has a desk, storage and a pole in. Fitness, dance or stripper pole whatever you want to call it. I've used it since having DD. The door is always locked but has a key in the lock that we leave in there. The room has a lot of personal papers of mine, old pictures, journals that sort of thing.

So we left for dinner, we were out until 10, got home everything all good and DD is fast asleep upstairs. MIL keeps us chatting for an hour, said she hoped we had a good night and reassured us everything was fine. DH drops her off as he hasn't had a drink.

I go to get changed, everything seems okay and then I go to get my iPad from the spare room. The pole has come away from the ceiling hit my wall and knocked my art off the wall as well as that there's a huge hole in the plaster in the ceiling. Think football sized.

I ring DH and he is already on his way home and equally as shocked as me, I asked him to ask MIL. DH gets home and texts his mum asking if she's still awake, she is and he asks if he can give her a quick call. She denied even going in the room, she said she didn't know I even kept a pole in there, which is a complete lie as she knows I've been doing it for a few years. Obviously I'm getting quite pissed off at this point because I know a pole, held up the way it is cannot just fall down in that way causing a huge hole in the ceiling.

DH has seen the damage and basically tells her straight that he knows she's been in the room because glass from the artwork has been cleaned up!! She completely backtracked said that she had been in but only briefly so she wasn't lyingHmm and that she bumped into it, tried to put it back up.

I'm sorry but I just don't believe her, she has no explanation as to why she went in there. I really think she has been on it and it's come away as she exceeds the weight limit. DH said the hole is where she's tried to force it back up without knowing what do properly.

I'm fuming, I feel like she's invaded my privacy, she's probably gone in to snoop as she has done with my things before and she's refusing to even pay for the damage she's caused or even apologise. AIBU??
Surely this story she has come out with doesn't make any sense, FIL is siding with her and has said it's an accident.

OP posts:
kmc1111 · 03/06/2018 07:45

I wouldn’t care about the damage itself, but the snooping and the bold faced lying would really piss me off. You’re definitely not unreasonable to ask her to pay.

I can also see how someone could dislodge a pole. I’ve taken classes, and a lot of people basically slam themselves full force onto the pole trying to get momentum (to make up for a lack of upper body strength). If someone near to or over the weight limit did that, I’d be more surprised if it didn’t dislodge.

ScruffbagsRUs · 03/06/2018 07:46

MIL was wrong to lie but she was embarrassed and didn't know how to get out of it.

A mature, reasonable adult wouldn't have a problem admitting they were at fault, as embarrassing as it may be.

So it boils down to these things OP:

  1. She went into a locked room (pretty obvious that no-one was to go in there apart from OP and her DH)
  2. She either really went for it and brought the pole down, or exceeded the weight limit.
  3. She damaged some artwork in the process.
  4. She caused a fair amount of damage to the house.
  5. She then lied that she wasn't in the room.
  6. She admitted that she was in the room but made some bullshit excuse that she bumped into the pole and knocked it down.
  7. When confronted, she not only lied about being in the room, she then twists it round to make it look as if you are to blame.
  8. (see No7), and then refuses to pay for the damage???

OP, I know it sounds harsh, but if she can't be trusted to tell the truth about the damage she caused (no-one else entered the room and caused it), then how could you trust her to look after you DC, especially if she has form for lying?? What would she lie about if something serious happened to your DC (think a trip to the hospital being needed) when she was looking after the LO.

I, personally, would NEVER let her look after the LO again. Nor would she be in the house unsupervised. In fact, I'd be asking friends to mind your DC, or if they can't, I wouldn't go out.

There's an old saying my gran used to rattle on to me about, and it goes like this: "it takes a lifetime to build trust and just one lie to break it completely"

Loonoon · 03/06/2018 07:48

It would be nice if she offered to pay but she clearly won't so I think you will have to suck it up. As other people have said it sounds like an insurance claim.

You can not have her babysit again but that might be cutting your nose off to spite your face. If it were me I'd still want to go out so I would let her babysit but I would put anything even vaguely personal in a locked room (and I would be adding locks to my bedroom/study/bathroom cabinets etc) and I would then take the keys with me. Perhaps also buy a motion sensor alarm and use it to cover an area of the house where she has no business. That could put the fear of God into her if she goes snooping again.

yellowsnail · 03/06/2018 07:51

This story is crazy

FabulouslyFab · 03/06/2018 07:51

It’s not really a locked room if you leave the key in the door!
Poor MIL - completely mortified at what happened then made a totally wrong call by denying it and now you’ve put it on MN to shortly be picked up by the scandle rags. Are you proud of yourself?
Calm yourself and move on

rjay123 · 03/06/2018 07:58

Wow.

I would be taking a break from seeing MIL for a while. Her behaviour isn’t acceptable. Yes, mistakes happen. But not admitting to them, then lying about it?

I would probably get a bit cunty to her as well and say that this kind of behaviour and role modelling isn’t what you want around DD.

ems137 · 03/06/2018 07:58

I can't ever imagine going into anyone else's house, damaging something and not even apologising and offering to pay for the damage?!

It's hard to understand other people's family relationships sometimes because anyone I know would just be like "oh god Ems, I'm so sorry but I was messing around and this happened, let me know how much it will cost to fix"

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 03/06/2018 07:58

It’s not really a locked room if you leave the key in the door!

When dealing with an adult whom you should be able to trust, you should be able to rely on signalling what is private, rather than having to make everything completely inaccessible if they go snooping. When my ILs babysit I put anything private in closed drawers in my bedroom. Of course they physically could go in and open the drawers but I know they wouldn't, because they respect my privacy. A locked door with the key in the lock is signal enough that you shouldn't enter that room to nose around, most people would respect that.

VivaKondo · 03/06/2018 07:59

You see I wouod t have any issue with MIL trying ou the pole and damaging the ceiling in the process.
I would quite grumpy at the fact she felt she had to lie about it. But then knowing there is some history betwen you, she probably thought she wouod get a bollocking (which she did btw) so was trying to avoid that.

I think your issue isn’t the pole. Nor is it that she went in that spare room (do you really have rooms that are out of bound from family in your home??).
Your issue is that you are still reeling about the her not respecting your privacy before. And you feel that somehow she manages to get away with everything.
Your issue is that you have no respect and trust in her (and the it’s easy to say ‘oh look. She really can’t trusted in our house. She has damaged something else again/wasn't supposed to go in that room’ etc...)

I’m curious to know what your DH is saying about it.
But I would play it carefully because youbare risking damaging the relationhsip betwen her and your DH and dc in the process.

VivaKondo · 03/06/2018 08:04

I’m also quiTe interested about the fact she automatically said it was the OP’s fault, even though she was talking to her son, not the OP.

There is a big history there. With the OP assuming her MIL is awful and disrespectful. And the MIL assuming the OP is unreasonable and always finding fault in what she is doing.

I suspect that both the OP and the MIL have been wrong before.

What has happened last night is just a consequence of all that (I mean who wouod have an issue with the MIL trying out the pole for example? There is nothing private about it)

Candyflip · 03/06/2018 08:05

what’s all this about snooping the OP included the nice little detail that all her personal papers are in that room. Because you know, this is mumsnet and we should all hate our MILs because they are snooping and interfering.

AviatorShades · 03/06/2018 08:09

Please, OP should you claim on insurance for the repairs, you know that box where you write what happened?, please tell us what you put. And, like in car accidents, illustrate it.
I think we'd all like to see thatGrin

gerispringer · 03/06/2018 08:12

So this hugely overweight middle aged woman was practising pole dancing? Sounds a bit weird. Get it repaired properly , get a few quotes, claim on the insurance, keep the door properly locked. Sounds sensible to me.

WetPaint4 · 03/06/2018 08:17

I don't even believe she is mortified.

I don't know what kind of grown adult causes damage in her son's home and then has a normal conversation before strolling out like nothing had happened. And then lies about it. And then lies some more. And then blames someone else for the fact that she took herself into a room she had no business going in and messed with their belongings. I'm just surprised she didn't blame the 4 yr old Grin

thegreylady · 03/06/2018 08:33

Just lock the door next time and take the key with you.
Of course she should offer to pay! I bet the poor woman was having a sneaky go on the pole and is totally mortified, hence the denial.
It is a bit funny as well as being underhand. It would make a great comedy sketch....imagine Mrs Brown!
I’d forgive and forget, not worth a big fallout imho.

Byebyebye · 03/06/2018 08:36

Some parents are completely unable to admit any wrong doing to their children.

She wouldn’t be welcome in my home if she damaged something she had no business being on, didn’t mention it then lied about it when questioned.

And I wouldn’t be in any rush in going to hers either.

I would just give her the option of paying for the damage or not coming over again. And mean it.

Wearelocal · 03/06/2018 08:37

I'm sorry but this is terribly funny.

problembottom · 03/06/2018 08:38

This is hilarious. I’d replace it myself but wind MIL up about it forevermore. Think I’m safe, my MIL has had two hip replacements!

Usernameunknown2 · 03/06/2018 08:43

She doesnt sound mortified. She sounds intrusive controlling abd defensive. This is a pattern of bad behaviour backed by FIL and now she is blaming the op and her dh.

You and dh should tell her that you know it wasn't an accident, that it's screwed in and just been tested. Then I'd tell her your insurance excess. I doubt she will pay.

Take back any keys she has and dont ask her to babysit again. If she can't be trusted in your house she doesnt go in. And if she lies and intrudes like this and in the past too i wouldnt trust her babysitting.

TheFirstMrsDV · 03/06/2018 08:43

What an unusual set of circumstances

diddl · 03/06/2018 08:46

How could it not be an accident?

Or is it obvious that she would have been too heavy?

Glassofredandapackofcrisps · 03/06/2018 08:48

Oh the shame! She's clearly had a go on the pole!
If I were her I'd pay for the damage and hope it would quietly go away.

LexieLulu · 03/06/2018 08:48

Sounds like MIL is deeply embarrassed

Hopefully today she will have slept on it and might come back with some rational thinking

Usernameunknown2 · 03/06/2018 08:49

The mil has claimed it was OPs fault and she went purposefully into a locked room, then used equipment she never should have. Thats not an accident, she went out of her way to get in there. To me an accident is bumping into something but OP has said its screwed in so a bump wouldnt even do it.

mum11970 · 03/06/2018 08:49

Candyflip The fact that private papers happen to be in a room does not automatically mean that someone snooped through them because they entered the room. The op has no evidence that her mil even glanced at the paperwork, only that she used the pole.

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