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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in expecting MIL to pay for my ceiling repairs

200 replies

Justnonono · 03/06/2018 01:31

I am currently sat downstairs with a large glass of wine and DH is still on the phone to MIL.

Me and DH went out tonight for the first time in a while and MIL offered to sit our 4yo DD. MIL is usually easy to get on with but has a habit of overstepping boundaries occasionally, she has left me a few times feeling that my privacy has been invaded.

Me and DH have a spare room that has a desk, storage and a pole in. Fitness, dance or stripper pole whatever you want to call it. I've used it since having DD. The door is always locked but has a key in the lock that we leave in there. The room has a lot of personal papers of mine, old pictures, journals that sort of thing.

So we left for dinner, we were out until 10, got home everything all good and DD is fast asleep upstairs. MIL keeps us chatting for an hour, said she hoped we had a good night and reassured us everything was fine. DH drops her off as he hasn't had a drink.

I go to get changed, everything seems okay and then I go to get my iPad from the spare room. The pole has come away from the ceiling hit my wall and knocked my art off the wall as well as that there's a huge hole in the plaster in the ceiling. Think football sized.

I ring DH and he is already on his way home and equally as shocked as me, I asked him to ask MIL. DH gets home and texts his mum asking if she's still awake, she is and he asks if he can give her a quick call. She denied even going in the room, she said she didn't know I even kept a pole in there, which is a complete lie as she knows I've been doing it for a few years. Obviously I'm getting quite pissed off at this point because I know a pole, held up the way it is cannot just fall down in that way causing a huge hole in the ceiling.

DH has seen the damage and basically tells her straight that he knows she's been in the room because glass from the artwork has been cleaned up!! She completely backtracked said that she had been in but only briefly so she wasn't lyingHmm and that she bumped into it, tried to put it back up.

I'm sorry but I just don't believe her, she has no explanation as to why she went in there. I really think she has been on it and it's come away as she exceeds the weight limit. DH said the hole is where she's tried to force it back up without knowing what do properly.

I'm fuming, I feel like she's invaded my privacy, she's probably gone in to snoop as she has done with my things before and she's refusing to even pay for the damage she's caused or even apologise. AIBU??
Surely this story she has come out with doesn't make any sense, FIL is siding with her and has said it's an accident.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 04/06/2018 10:45

The mental image though Grin

Bluelady · 04/06/2018 10:49

Hilarious. The repair won't be cheap. Claim on the insurance and give the claim handler a good laugh.

CassandraCross · 04/06/2018 11:01

I'm not surprised you are cross, OP, why can't people just own up and tell the truth. MIL had no business being in that room anyway but should have been honest with you about the damage she caused, did she think you wouldn't notice?

As an outsider reading it does seem funny, especially with some of the mental images provided by some posters on here, but I fully appreciate it is not a laughing matter for you.

You won't be able to force her to pay, you could send her a bill once the repairs are done but if she doesn't pay it you can't make her. Leave it with your dh to sort out, ignore any and all communication from her, she is the one in the wrong and she knows it she has gone into defensive mode and is trying to deflect the blame.

ApocalypseNowt · 04/06/2018 11:27

I wouldn't go into a locked room but you can bet your bottom dollar (pun intended) that if I found a pole I'd jump my fat ass onto it faster than you can say 'eye bleach'. Grin

Your MIL is definitely in the wrong though and I'd expect an apology and a contribution towards fixing the damage.

HollowTalk · 04/06/2018 11:38

If this doesn't end up in the DM then they've lost their grip.

Sorry, OP, but the bit about the pole dancing is really funny. The bit about her looking through your papers isn't, though - that's really horrible.

Your husband should just keep asking "Why were you in the room?" until he gets an answer.

ToothTrauma · 04/06/2018 11:39

I can’t understand why people are telling you to let it go and that you’re overreacting Confused I’d be fuming at the lies!

Hullaballooooo · 04/06/2018 11:52

I'd be v upset too. It's just not OK behaviour.

Babysitter would def be safer and cheaper next time, esp as you said you don't go out often.

Hope things smooth over with ILs eventually though as family is family. Think with ILs sometimes they'll never be people you'd choose to hang out with, but for the kids' & hub's sakes it is important (from someone who grins and bears in-laws and goes with low expectations and a good book to immerse myself in & a bottle of wine every time).

Original poster
Justnonono · 04/06/2018 13:07

I know the whole thing sounds really odd, I don't want to have a huge fall out over it but I feel like MIL is keeping it going by not even apologising to us and taking it out on me. I don't think she realises that DH is just as mad as I am about it. I don't see why she didn't just own up, it's embarrassing but still, she knew we would find the damage. We usually get on well, apart from her going through my things previously I thought we had a good relationship.

She has said that DD wants to see her and I can't keep this up forever, it has literally only happened this weekend, also saying I'm cutting her out. I feel like she has brought it on herself, I don't plan on cutting her out but how can we move forward if she isn't going to even see our point of view. I think she's mad because DH has called her out on it and told her it's completely unacceptable.

OP posts:
pigmcpigface · 04/06/2018 13:11

Learn lessons. This woman has intruded on your privacy a number of times. Don't leave her in the house alone, don't leave her with private stuff, protect yourself from her nosiness.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/06/2018 13:13

This is all very strange.

Why did you leave the key in the door if you know MIL snoops?

Lacucuracha · 04/06/2018 13:14

she wasted money on food for us even though we had informed he we wouldn't be coming.

Does she think you're even stevens now Confused and what @MyKingdom said.

fitbitbore · 04/06/2018 13:18

Your poor husband has to think about his mum trying to pole dance 😂😂😂

londonmummy1966 · 04/06/2018 13:18

Is there a FIL? If so could your DH have a chat with him and ask him to tell MIL to stop sending batshit messages etc?

DuchyDuke · 04/06/2018 13:24

So your mil weighs more than 18 stones, she broke the pole? I doubt it.

If your pole fell like this, it was improperly fitted. It doesn’t matter how many supports it has, if it’s done incorrectly it’s done incorrectly. You need to get the fitter to take a look at it.

Original poster
Justnonono · 04/06/2018 13:36

I didn't pay MIL to babysit, me and my sister usually sit for each others DDs and MIL offered to instead of my sister doing it. She and FIL love spending time with DD and will ask to have her.

I leave the key in just for ease really, I just didn't think to take it out but I don't think it excuses her going in. The lock is high up it's and old fashioned style door and DD can't open it. I didn't feel that I should have to proof our home before we left.

Obviously I wouldn't leave her in our home alone again now.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 04/06/2018 15:08

I would put this one down to experience, OP, and otherwise forget about it.

Her dishonesty is extremely annoying, but I've had to forgive my own MIL for much more serious things and my life was the richer for her presence.

happypoobum · 04/06/2018 15:33

fitbitbore is right!!

Gosh your poor DH will probably need therapy after this! Grin

HeebieJeebies456 · 04/06/2018 18:04

If you know she's a nosy,unreasonable bitch then why are you leaving the key in the door when she's in your house unsupervised?

ALongHardWinter · 04/06/2018 18:15

I can't get over the fact that she expected you to think that it had happened by itself!

Confusedbeetle · 04/06/2018 18:20

Of course she should not pay. neither should she have the run of the house again. Get over it, worse things happen

QueenArseClangers · 04/06/2018 19:00

Next time please string up some pretend severed heads like Bluebeard.

If she’d have said
‘Christ DIL, I did something daft. I had a go of your pole and fucked it up. I’m absolutely mortified and so sorry’

I bet you’d be shocked but not upset with her. It’s the childish blaming and denying that’s totally dickish.

Also, folks saying ‘if it fell down it’s not fit for purpose etc’. If you had a size 12 dress and someone else size 20 tried to wear in and ripped it would you blame yourself as ‘it should stretch to be a proper dress’???

OP has stated that her pole is calibrated and fixed for HER weight/size. It’s not a bloody public climbing frame Angry

BettyBaggins · 04/06/2018 19:36

So do you think FIL actually knows what happened?

GrinShockGrin

pinkpepperrose · 04/06/2018 19:37

* I'd have forgiven if it was admitted to. Own up and I’ll be pissed but won’t hold a grudge. Lie and hen make out it wasn’t you and you didn’t do anything wrong etc then I’ll think you’re a twat and forgiveness will not happen *

^^ this

Breaking something then leaving and hoping no-one will notice is the sort of behaviour I'd expect from a child not a grown woman

WhatchaMaCalllit · 04/06/2018 19:45

If I were you, your DH must take the lead on this.

You should both drive over to his parents house and have a discussion about what happened. Keep to the facts. Door was locked (yes the key was there but there was nothing that MiL needed in that room so she didn't need to go into that room for any reason). MiL went into the room. Somehow, the pole got detached from the floor/ceiling, artwork got damaged as did your ceiling and associated plasterwork/paintwork.
When she was contacted she initially denied being in the room but when pressed, admitted it and then turned it around that it was somehow your fault.
The trust is gone. This is the biggest thing that you both need to get her to understand. If she is willing to lie about this, and then be off about paying for it etc. what else is she willing to do? Once the trust is gone it's gone. Her opportunity to prove she is trustworthy was that night, when the key was left in the lock of a room that she didn't need to go into.
As for Sunday lunch, your DH needs to say "Mum, I make my own decisions. It's not Justnonono keeping me away from here. You did that by breaking our trust. We told you we wouldn't be showing up so this wasting of food is again, something that you did. You were warned and now you have to deal with the situation of your own making" (or words to that effect).

Decide before you go to this meeting what you are willing to allow and what you're not. I would guess that you're not going to allow her to mind your child anymore but make sure that you're happy with what you'll allow and what you wont put up with any more. Doesn't matter if FiL sides with his wife, I'd kind of expect that at the time but he may have a word with her afterwards so don't be disappointed if he doesn't immediately agree with you.

That's what I would do. But I'm not you so I'll just wish you the best of luck with whatever you do end up doing.

greenvalleys · 04/06/2018 22:33

Get over it, worse things happen
I'm sure the Op will get over it, in the meantime she wants to discuss it.

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