Friend called me lazy - aibu?

[VogueVVague]

So im going to an event held by my DP's family.

I like to look good but there are some things i just cannot be fucked with and ironing is one of them.

DP is much more image conscious than me.

He asked me what i was wearing to the event and i showed him my dress and said "you have a choice: either you can be the guy who turns up with a girl in a creased dress or you can iron it for me".

So he's ironing it.

Friend was here for this and said it was one of the laziest things she had heard it a long time and kept going on about my "poor" DP.

AIBU?

The point was i dont give a shit if the dress is creased.

The entire first post or so comes across very rude and arsey. People agree with the friend and then suddenly it was a 'joke'.

As other posters have said, if it was said in a jokey tone of voice then the friend probably wouldn't have noticed anything. Too often people use 'but it was a joke' or 'it's banter' to explain away being rude or belittling. The implication is always but I was joking so anyone who has an issue has something wrong with THEM.

I see quite a few 'jokes' where students who are friends belittle each other. More often than not the one on the receiving end half laughs along awkwardly because their mates go on about how it's just a joke. Anyone looking in can see it's people being rude and belittling but the ones dishing it out go on like it's banter so nobody says anything for months. Then something snaps when the mate on the end of the 'jokes' decides they've had enough.

The question wasn't whether i was rude to my DP because i wasn't. Occasionally, we will joke, it might not be everyone's sense of humour, but believe me, ot isnt belittling or manipulative.

TRIGGER WARNING DO NOT READ FURTHER*

Sometimes I might be teasing him and he'll do something like put on an american deep south accent and say: you better wind your neck in woman and get your ass back into the kitchen or pretend he's going to get violent.
Guess what? He's never even RAISED HIS VOICE at me in an argument.
Are you going to come on now and tell me im with an abusive man who could turn into a wife beater at any minute?

Some of you need to chill out. Some people have a playful dynamic that you might not always get.

The dress was indeed linen, it wasnt creased because it had been hanging up. However it did look better ironed - yep, he ironed it, cheerfully.

My logic was he's a stickler for the detail whereas i thought the dress was passable. Btw, i do all the cooking and laundry - i think he can handle ironing a dress of a weekend.

The question was was my friend totally wrong to be thinking it was crazy for a man to iron a womans dress for her? The answer is yes she is.

Im guessing there are women here who would iron their mans shirts without even being asked.

Theres nothing lazy, upon reflection, about asking people to handle some things if its a bigger deal to them than you. If we invite people over to eat, he would be happy just to whack some frozen pizzas in the oven and give them that. Me i would go to the trouble of cooking for them. So i would cook for them since its more important to me.

In this instance i thought the dress had no obvious creases. He prefers things to look very neat and crisp. Well then it falls to him to iron it.

I think it's cute and funny and your mates reaction is quite 😁

So the dress wasn't creased now.

@GreatDuckCookery
Mmmm i guess it was kind of creased but not shockingly so. I mean its linen - it was the kind of creased it would be anyway from sitting in a car for 10 minutes iyswim.

The question was was my friend totally wrong to be thinking it was crazy for a man to iron a womans dress for her? The answer is yes she is.
It's not about the genitals of the person picking up an iron. Lots of people on this thread have said they don't really iron but saying you don't care about turning up creased is lazy, prefering to turn up in creased clothing over picking up an iron is lazy, and expecting your DP to do it for you is lazy.
Im guessing there are women here who would iron their mans shirts without even being asked.
Now even the OP is going down the route of but many women would iron a man's shirt.
This wasn't about whether a man should possibly pick up an iron. It was about in that situation were you being lazy by picking a creased item of clothing and then getting your DH to sort it for you because you knew he'd have an issue with it.

So the dress wasn't creased now.
Just like it soudned rude and arsey, but then it was all a joke.
It was creased and just don't give a damn if they go out in it creased...
But so creased it warranted getting DP to iron it.

It was obvious from the beginning that OP was joking with her husband at the relevant time. It's just that, in the usual AIBU desperation to attack, some people choose to close their eyes to that.

Bibesia

Funny. With you all the way Op.

Op you asked about one particular example that your friend had seen although possibly your friend has spotted a behaviour pattern.

The majority of people thought from that example you sounded lazy.

Why ask the question if you are not even going to consider that you might be wrong?

@StealthNinjaMum
I was actually open to the idea but having read 10 pages of comments from people who sound like totally humourless po faced pearl clutching stepford wives i came to the conclusion that actually most of the people on here arent people whose opinion i respect.

If you think its lazy of a woman to have her man iron her dress, and if you think teasing and joking around arent part of how a couple communicates, then i think your relationships must be pretty tragic really and so whether or not you think im lazy is totally irrelevant.

Or perhaps we don’t pretend that we want to be beaten up by our partner because we ourselves have been through actual abuse and violence.

It’s got nothing to do with people being humourless or pearl clutching. You didn’t explain the dynamic of your relationship and then expected us to understand it.

Making sweeping statements about mumsnetters when you gave us so little information to go on doesn’t make you superior or you relationship better or more full of humour.

Stepford wives my arse. I suspect you are very young. You definitely don’t sound very mature.

Oh get over yourself.

Where did i say i pretended i wanted to be beaten up?

No I shouldn’t get over myself. Excuse me if I struggle to understand a dynamic, where you find it funny that your partner pretends he’s going to get violent with you. From my perspective this sounds awfully like playing a game, where you pretend to want to beaten up. The mere suggestion puts crippling fear inside me. As I said, you didn’t explain the dynamic of your relationship. Maisypops summed your entire thread up. Very confusing.

@Mummyoflittledragon
But i havent had the same life experiences as you. So my reaction is entirely different.

Is it really that difficult to grasp, mummy, that people have different lives and personalities and therefore different relationship dynamics? Are you actually not able to relate to or understand anything that doesnt fall within your specific, personal experience of life? Are you truly incapable of tackling an issue or question from any angle not directly related to your own feelings?

If not, then yes, i can understand how it might be confusing.

Can’t remember who the comedian was who said people would rather admit to anything than admitting that they lack a sense of humor

Me and my partner make similar jokes. We are not the same nationality and our respective nationalities have a long history of rivalry. In private both of us find it incredibly funny to compete between ourselves to say the most horrendously racist thing about the others nationality and try to outdo each other in offensiveness. Part of the reason why we find this funny is because we both know neither of us believes in the stereotypes of our respective nationalities and in a lot of ways we are really poking fun at those who do believe them.

However I don’t think either of us would ever make those sort of jokes in front of somebody else as they are generally private jokes which aren’t funny to other people and, yes, they will often give other people the impression you are belittling your partner or mocking them.

Couple ‘in’ jokes are really best kept private.

No it’s not difficult to understand that people have different relationship dynamics at all. You didn’t explain the ribbing and teasing at all well until your last few posts. Then you declare everyone is pearl clutching for not getting it in the first place when your friend doesn’t seem to either - possibly because she also doesn’t understand your relationship dynamic.

I do struggle with the violence thing. In the same way as women, who’ve been raped would struggle with consensual “rape games”. Intellectually I get it. Emotionally I don’t and I’m very emotionally aware.

Perhaps your friend is confused by your relationship.

If you and your dp are happy with your life, that’s fine. And it sounds as if you are. I therefore don’t understand why you would put a question on here, which looks as though you’re mocking both your dp and your friend. What I read on your op (and I don’t think I’m alone) is that you don’t give a shit about anyone else’s feelings but your own.

I don’t actually think that’s true now. I think it’s more about your communication style. Even your last post to me comes off as pretty aggressive. Am I truly incapable? No I’m not. I’m mid 40’s, have been around the block and through the mill and have fucking excellent emotional intelligence.

It sounds as if you’re a strong willed woman. Perhaps you just don’t get how you come across. So if I were you I’d start with that and forget the rest.

If you think its lazy of a woman to have her man iron her dress, and if you think teasing and joking around arent part of how a couple communicates, then i think your relationships must be pretty tragic really and so whether or not you think im lazy is totally irrelevant

My man irons all the time. Joking is a huge part of our relationship. Being an arsehole and dressing it up as joking isn’t. HTH.

StealthNinjaMum
I think the ridiculous comments now sum it up:
people who sound like totally humourless po faced pearl clutching stepford wives
your relationships must be pretty tragic really and so whether or not you think im lazy is totally irrelevant

It's probably best to ignore the millions of posts where lots of us admitted we don't really do ironing or said we'd happily politely ask our OHs to do jobs for us.

I put myself into a situation:
Me (with a top needing ironing but I cba) - "DH, do me favour can you iron this for me. I cba."

If DH says yes, great. I thank him.
If he says no, not a problem I'll iron it myself because I'm not going to go out looking scuffy in creased clothes.

OP's situation:
OP- I don't do ironing and don't give a fuck if my clothes are creased so I told DH he can either iron it for me or I'll go out to a family event in creased clothing, but it's fine because I did my makeup and don't care if my clothes are creased.

Friend- That'd a bit lazy

OP - ask mumsnet and try to get validation

Mumsnet - hmm quite lazy and actually rude

OP - but it was just a joke

Quite a bit if Mumsnet - but it's rude and lazy. You were relying on your DH's embarrassment to do it ans your attitude was off

Few mumsnetters - ignore OP. These women think men should never hold an iron. I bet they'd happily iron shirts.

Most mumsnet - But it's not about who does the ironing. The attitude was rude and the situation was lazy

OP - aha! See the general consensus is that I was right. My friend was wronf and anyway you lot with different views are total losers who must be chained to the kitchen and I don't need no opinions anyway.

Hmmm... I keep my ironing to a minimum because I dislike ironing. However, I would iron an outfit for a special occasion and I would not speak to my dh like that. Dh would not treat me like that either.

So YABU in treating your dh like that.

OP you sound lazy, over-entitled and bossy but presumably by now your husband knows what he has let himself in for, and has learned to live with the fact that you don't give a shit for what he thinks or feels to be his rights, needs and wishes.

That said, my wife and I had lived in this house for seven years when we realised that the iron and the ironing board had been used perhaps three times during that time, so we threw it away and have never missed it.

And that said, anyone who came up to me at a social event and said "Nice to see you, but why haven't you ironed that shirt?" would be lucky not to be taking their teeth home in their trousers pocket.

I'm genuinely amazed by how many posters think creases in fabric must mean that someone can't look nice and must look like shit/like a turd etc. So narrow minded!