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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend Dd's birthday money

249 replies

Icantthinkofagoodname · 02/06/2018 00:01

Hi, NC'd for this as I know a few family members are on here. Dd turned 1 last week and was (very generously) given close to £200 by family and friends. A large chunk of this came from DP's family. We go on holiday next week and I mentioned to mil how I planned to change around half of Dd's birthday money in to euros to get her some nice bits while on holiday. Mil was outraged saying that the money should be going in to an account for when Dd is older and it's not ours to spend. Now fair enough if we were blowing it on ourselves but I planned to get her some nice clothes and a day in the water park with it. She already has an isa that we pay in to every week along with my siblings so she has a decent present for her 18th. I asked people not to buy her any toys for birthday as our house already looks like the closing down sale at toys r us and she really doesn't need anymore. Aibu to spend some of Dd's money even though it will be going on her?
Aplologies for the long post.

OP posts:
RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 17:36

chickenpox, you bought them swings and trampolines when they were twelve months old? If they were old enough to have some input it's an entirely different situation imo.

Also entirely different if someone puts £20 in a card, as opposed to £200.

Playground equipment and sports equipment, big purchases, bought once the dc is old enough to suggest or agree is all fine.

Tickets for parents to go to a water park, clothes, wellies not fine - household money should be paying for those things.

chickenpox100 · 02/06/2018 17:55

No, actually, we decided they would enjoy those gifts. One was twelve months old, yes. Twelve month old children enjoy swings!

I still wouldn't consider my children old enough to decide how large sums of money should be spent. I know what they would enjoy on a longer-term basis. They spend their pocket money how they wish.

There is absolutely no reason why they should not benefit from wellies from a relative if that money has been gifted to them for parents to choose how to spend on their behalf. It is very reasonable to assume that adults giving a toddler money/cheques are expecting their parents to buy something that they need or will enjoy. The reason for giving money in the first place is often, 'I don't know what they need/are into right now'.

RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 17:56

If you like. Don't think it'd sit right with me but it's your kids, their money.

Bluntness100 · 02/06/2018 18:03

Smelly socks. Rude is about perspective I don't feel it's rude. However I feel it's rude to give a gift of money and think you get to decide how it's spent.

The op isn't asking that though. She's asking if she should spend her 1 year old daughters birthday money on paying for her and her husbands entrance fees to a zoo and water park on holiday and to buy her some expensive dresses. The kid is one, she's will enter free. The money will be spent on her and her husband. Because they chose to go on a holiday that left them so short they can't pay their own entrance fees to a zoo or water park.

The answer from me is she should not spend the child's money on her and her husband or buy clothes for her child that her child does not wish or understand. At one year old they don't care what they wear. Nor do they know they are wearing expensive dresses.

So for me, in this scenario, I agree with the mother in law. In other scenarios, buying a trampoline a kid wants. or wellies they need, then I agree it should be spent. I don't agree it should be spent to pay for her parents to go on day trips or to buy the child expensive dresses at this age.

ThisCannotBe · 02/06/2018 18:55

OP has clearly long gone but I think everyone has learned a valuable lesson here - if you gift money with a specific idea in mind to how it is spent then say so - don't let the parents fritter it away on highlights and dodgy visits to see the monkeys at the local zoo.

mrcharlie · 02/06/2018 19:30

WOW
Cannot believe some of the comments posted on here.
The OP has already stated that she cannot afford to do these things for the her daughters birthday. It's not about just the child, its about creating memories for later. How adorable to look back and see photos of yourself on your first birthday at the zoo with the your parents. Now that will be an amazing treasure picture for her daughter when she grows up.

Honestly some mumsnetters here should take their bloody heads out of their arses and remember that not everyone posting on here is as fortunate as themselves.

OP, use the money to create magical memories for your DD to treasure when she's older.

RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 19:34

They're not birthday celebrations. They've booked a holiday but can't afford any day trips. Their dd is free, being a baby, so they need her to pay for them to get in.

RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 19:34

And she's a baby, she won't treasure any magical memories.

19lottie82 · 02/06/2018 19:35

OP, use the money to create magical memories for your DD to treasure when she's older.

Confused it’s hardly “magical memories” if the DC has absolutely no memory of it whatsoever!

Ask a 17 year old if they would prefer to look at a photo of themselves in a zoo aged 1, or driving lessons....... what do you think they’d say?

Thehop · 02/06/2018 19:39

I’m going to be an odd one and say YANBU I think it’s fine to spend her birthday money taking her to fun places x

cantlivewithoutcoffee · 02/06/2018 19:41

Whilst it's not gown

RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 19:42

Yes,I bet we all wish we had a twelve month old baby willing to treat us to a day out, so generous for one so young.

mrcharlie · 02/06/2018 19:43

WOW
Clearly I'm on a completely different level to you lot.
Yep, granted at 17 she wont give shit (or maybe she will)

I remember the first few years when my child was born and things were so tight, at the time you think it'll never change...but it does.

Today my child is 11, our finances are much better. But all the money in the world can't turn back time. $200 sat in an account or a few day trips with lots of laughter, plenty of smiles and loads of pictures to show them when they're older.

So you'd sacrifice that for a paltry £200 that probably won't buy a bloody Mars bar in 17yrs!!

Me, I'll take the memories any day.

Money, or the love of it, is the saddest thing in the fucking world.

KurriKurri · 02/06/2018 19:43

Ask a 17 year old if they would prefer to look at a photo of themselves in a zoo aged 1, or driving lessons.
The two things are not mutually exclusive, OP already said she had a savings account for her DD which she pays into weekly.

My adult children like seeing pictures of themselves as babies and toddlers on holidays and outings, and so do their partners - DS's wife has a real hoot over his baby photos. They are part of thier personal history.

People are suggesting that OP paying to take her child to the zoo means her daughter will not have driving lessons/ a university education/ a car/ enough money to start her own business. That's ludicrous.

Babies may not retain memories of activities but everything you do with them will help in their social, verbal, physical development. Activities and outing have a value that is not just monetary.

cantlivewithoutcoffee · 02/06/2018 19:46

Faulty phone! Whilst it's not how I would choose to spend birthday money, I don't see how it's anyone else's business how you manage the finances.

I couldn't agree more with @KurriKurri - once you give a gift, it's up to the receiver how they choose to use it. If it's money, you are trusting them to spend it as they see fit and even an item can be exchanged/sold/donated if it is not to their taste/not needed. When giving a gift, these things can't be controlled so you have to let go and trust them to do things as they see appropriate

RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 19:48

They're not that hard up, they're going abroad on holiday.

RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 19:57

You don't expect to retain control of money given as a gift, but most people have a certain expectation that the child will benefit and that the money won't just pay for stuff that should be coming out of household expenses, and would indeed have done so if no cash had been gifted.

If it's ok for parents to spend it as they see fit, why not get sky installed, or have a night out. There's a minimum standard of expectation surely?

In this case, the money came from dh's family and mil has said it should be saved.

Op herself said ages ago that she was going to save it.

I'd have to be on the bones of my arse to use my baby's money as holiday spending money.

HairyToity · 02/06/2018 19:59

Unless I have been very cash strapped its always gone in savings.

HairyToity · 02/06/2018 20:00

Yabu

boilerhouse2007 · 03/06/2018 15:08

This thread responses are such aload of crap-making out the op is Hitrler over spending the child's money in things directly for the child. Are you all telling me here your parents saved all your gift money you acquired over 18 years???

Or that you have saved all your dcs gift money in an account for 18 years?? Give me a break...

AllMYSmellySocks · 03/06/2018 15:13

However I feel it's rude to give a gift of money and think you get to decide how it's spent. What? no-one's saying that. Also you can absolutely give a gift of money for a specific purpose, it's ridiculous to suggest you can't. You can say this is £50 for a savings account. Or this is £50 spend it on DD. In which case it's the parent's choice to get something DD would appreciate. If someone gives a toddler money they are obviously not expecting it to be put towards driving lessons in 15 years time!

RainySeptember · 03/06/2018 15:14

No but they never used money gifted to a little baby to pay their own entry on holiday either

Floralnomad · 03/06/2018 15:19

Surely part of the issue here is that the OP told people not to buy toys so the MIl etc had very little option but to give cash , what the OP should have done was to get the inlaws to buy the presents ( swing set , tent etc) that she purchased and then the OP could have given her daughter money or spent it on holiday trips , but it would be her own money not someone else’s . Frankly the OP has had the pleasure of seeing her gifts opened / enjoyed and is having the pleasure of the inlaws cash for her holiday spends and if I were the inlaws I’d be pretty miffed as well .

BuntyII · 03/06/2018 15:32

Don't see the big deal myself. It's not like your spending it on drugs while the child starves in dirty clothes.

RainySeptember · 03/06/2018 15:33

What a low benchmark you have set for your family bunty

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