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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To spend Dd's birthday money

249 replies

Icantthinkofagoodname · 02/06/2018 00:01

Hi, NC'd for this as I know a few family members are on here. Dd turned 1 last week and was (very generously) given close to £200 by family and friends. A large chunk of this came from DP's family. We go on holiday next week and I mentioned to mil how I planned to change around half of Dd's birthday money in to euros to get her some nice bits while on holiday. Mil was outraged saying that the money should be going in to an account for when Dd is older and it's not ours to spend. Now fair enough if we were blowing it on ourselves but I planned to get her some nice clothes and a day in the water park with it. She already has an isa that we pay in to every week along with my siblings so she has a decent present for her 18th. I asked people not to buy her any toys for birthday as our house already looks like the closing down sale at toys r us and she really doesn't need anymore. Aibu to spend some of Dd's money even though it will be going on her?
Aplologies for the long post.

OP posts:

boilerhouse2007 · 03/06/2018 15:37

''Don't see the big deal myself. It's not like your spending it on drugs while the child starves in dirty clothes.''

yep but we must forget the high and impossible moral standards that are set out on op.

MoonsAndJunes · 03/06/2018 15:43

The money is for her 1st birthday to enjoy now surely?
I wouldn't spend it on clothes (1 year olds don't care about clothes!) but to spend it on days out she will find fun is lovely IMO!

KurriKurri · 03/06/2018 15:55

is having the pleasure of the inlaws cash for her holiday spends and if I were the inlaws I’d be pretty miffed as well

I guess this is the difference betweent he view points on here. It isn't the inlaws cash, they have given it to OP's DD. No one made them give itm they chose to. It now belongs to OP's DD. The child is one, anyone giving money to a one year old surely knows that the parents will decide how that money is used - when child is a bit older yes she will be able to choose, but at one your parents make all the decisions.

Seeing it as 'the in laws cash' is very odd. Once you give a gift it is no longer yours. Giving a gift with conditions on it is very controlling - it makes it no longer a gift in my eyes 'you can only have this if you do this with it, I will only give your child a present if I get to decide what it is spent on'

If I give a child some money I don't care what it is spent on - could be sweets, plastic tat, or go in their savings. I might have opinions about what would be the best use of the money (sweets obv.)but they don't count because it's no longer my money.

Allaboutalex · 03/06/2018 15:55

I got about €400 in a savings account from grand aunts when I turned 18 and whilst I appreciated it I think that 400 when I was 18 vs the various €10 they put away 20 years ago have very different spending powers. And might have gone further then than it does now.

I’ve said to my husband the cash our son gets now should be spent now for nice things we wouldn’t otherwise get or toward big pressies but on the understanding that we will financially support him in return when he’s older.

MoonsAndJunes · 03/06/2018 15:57

FWIW, Our DC's Birthday money (up until they were around 4/5) was always spent on toys/ garden play equipment we wouldn't have been able to afford normally.
Relatives gave money to them so that they (or we, their parents when they were little) could buy or do something nice for their birthday
These relatives always said 'we don't know what they want/have/haven't got'.
The DC enjoyed using these things throughout the year
The money bought days out & treats too!
When they got to primary age, they started wanting certain things & these things were often bought with money from their birthday.
Obviously we paid for stuff too but the DCs enjoyed their birthday presents (money) at the time they were given.
We always told family what they had 'bought' for DC! A sandpit, a climbing frame, a day at the zoo...

AllMYSmellySocks · 03/06/2018 16:00

Ask a 17 year old if they would prefer to look at a photo of themselves in a zoo aged 1, or driving lessons....... what do you think they’d say?

This has to be the most ridiculous comment ever. You could use that as an argument for never ever giving a DC any present. (When they're 17 if you ask them would they rather have had a toy 15 years ago or some cash now they'd say cash now).

The OP didn't steal money out of DD's saving account, there was some ambiguity as to whether the money was to be saved for later or to be spent on DD now.

MoonsAndJunes · 03/06/2018 16:06

Ask a 17 year old if they would prefer to look at a photo of themselves in a zoo aged 1, or driving lessons....... what do you think they’d say...

If anyone had given my DCs money for their 1st birthday for their driving lessons at 17 I'd have thought WTF.

MoonsAndJunes · 03/06/2018 16:11

Also, you could say 'ask any 2/3 year old if they want a sandpit/trip to see animals at the zoo or driving lessons when they are 17' and I think the answer would be clear.

RainySeptember · 03/06/2018 16:15

No the most ridiculous comment ever is : I'd like my tiny unaware baby to treat me to a day out.

boilerhouse2007 · 03/06/2018 16:15

''I got about €400 in a savings account from grand aunts when I turned 18 and whilst I appreciated it I think that 400 when I was 18 vs the various €10 they put away 20 years ago have very different spending powers. And might have gone further then than it does now.''

yes exactly ppl seem to forget that 200 quid in 18 years time will get you alot less than 200 quid today.

CollyWombles · 03/06/2018 16:15

If I wanted a birthday monetary gift to a child to be paid into savings I would say so. If not I would be gifting money to the parents and saying to them to use it how they see fit for the child, unless the child is old enough to decide for themselves. My ex MIL and SIL always pay money for my DC direct into their trust funds. My dad however, gives cash and when they were very small, I would choose what to get for them, either based on need or fun. Now they are older, they spend birthday money on whatever they wish.

RainySeptember · 03/06/2018 16:17

I think the point about the 17yo's choices is that you as the parent make the best decision on their behalf, with that foresight and knowledge. Not that you genuinely ask the question. I hope you were just being disingenuous but I couldn't tell for sure.

RainySeptember · 03/06/2018 16:18

Boilerhouse, yes you would need to invest it not keep it under the bed for 18 years

RainySeptember · 03/06/2018 16:21

Collywombles, I think that's pretty much what everyone has said they do too, all fine, no objections. It's dipping into baby's money to buy your own ticket that seems a bit off. Why not ask baby to treat you to a manicure too? I bet she likes you to have pretty nails.

Floralnomad · 03/06/2018 16:22

My point was that the inlaws had to give cash or nothing as the OP had asked them not to buy toys , personally I dislike giving money as a present to anyone let alone small children . If they had gone ahead and bought some plastic crap the OP would no doubt be one of the many who come on here and say why do people keep buying my children plastic crap which we have no room for when I’ve asked them not to . Well there’s your answer , people do it because they want to categorically know that what they have given is used for/ by the person it was intended for . Nowhere I’ve ever been charges a one year old to get in so the money is being used to get the OP and her partner in which is not what it was given for .

AllMYSmellySocks · 03/06/2018 16:26

RainySeptember but unless otherwise stated a gift for a two year old is just that a gift for a two year. Not a gift for a 17 year old. The OP may be very capable of buying her child driving lessons in 16 years time. Also having nice experiences and family time when you're little is valuable, whether or not a 17 year old would recognise it as such at the time.

When I've been given gifts of money for my kids the giver usually appreciated a picture of child with whatever I used the money for. Whether that's a day out or a new toy or music lessons or whatever.

The money shouldn't be spent on something you would have bought anyway (unless I guess you're so destitute you can't afford necessities) but it's fine for the parent to choose something nice for the child at this time since it was a birthday gift.

wolfinfoxesclothing · 03/06/2018 16:45

I would spend the money and we have in the past on bills actually. As it goes if we don't pay the electricity bill they we all suffer including the DC.

At 1 your DC doesn't know and I think a trip would be a lovely thing to do. I can't believe people saying a one year doesn't enjoy the zoo or the water park. Yes the won't be there from opening time to closing but it's a great experience. You don't stay home staring at the wall just because your child is 1.

Experiences last longer than things.

RainySeptember · 03/06/2018 16:54

Allmy, she's not a 2yo toddler, she's a 1yo baby. And I disagree with you but that's ok isn't it, not everyone must agree. I'm never going to think it's ok to use your dc's birthday money for spending money while you're abroad on holiday.

Wolf, i wouldn't judge anyone for spending a child's birthday gift on bills if there was absolutely no other way to pay them.

Dieu · 03/06/2018 16:58

YANBU.
It's a couple of hundred quid. Not like you're blowing your way through her inheritance.

KurriKurri · 03/06/2018 17:52

A one year old does get free entry to a zoo or waterpark, but in order for said one year old to go to the zoo she has to be accompanied - very few one year olds strut out to the zoo on their own.

So there is a cost involved to give the child a day out, but the day out is for her benefit and enjoyment - they are doing activities for a child, not using her money so they can e.g. go to a vineyard and sample wines all day.

people do it because they want to categorically know that what they have given is used for/ by the person it was intended for

Really ? I couldn't care less what spmeone uses a gift I;ve given them for, because it isn;t mine any more that's the very definition of a gift.
How would a one year old 'use' a gift without direction from her parents ? I don't see taking her on a day out as any different from buying her a slide for the garden or whatever - the parents have made a decision to benefit the child.

Why this huge controlling urge to know exactly what money you have gifted is spent on ? I find that extremely odd.

RainySeptember · 03/06/2018 18:05

All of which is moot. OP's dh's family gave the cash and mil said it was to be saved. Op has already said it's going to be saved.

RainySeptember · 03/06/2018 18:08

I find that extremely odd

Only because you're taking an argument and extrapolating something ridiculous from it.

*The parents have made a decision to benefit the child
*
Debatable and also a now quite circuitous argument, but op asked for opinions and got them, it's probably good that people have different opinions isn't it.

19lottie82 · 03/06/2018 23:31

This has to be the most ridiculous comment ever. You could use that as an
argument for never ever giving a DC any present. (When they're 17 if you ask them would they rather have had a toy 15 years ago or some cash now they'd say cash now).

Don’t be so silly.

It’s not a toy / general present. It’s cash which can be saved and used for goods / services in the future. Theres not a comparison in your example. There would be no point in saving a my little pony for a child’s future, would there?

A 2 year old can’t make a conscious descison as to whether they would like a toy now or the cash in 15 years time.

Just like a 1 year old can’t yet make the choice to spend “their” money on a trip to a water park, or essentially, pay for their parents to go to a water park as under 2s will be free anyway.

Boredandtired · 03/06/2018 23:51

It's different if you don't have the money to do or buy nice things, but by the sound of it you have things a bit mixed up.
You don't have the cash to take your daughter out to treats you think she'd like (obviously a water park or zoo is completely pointless for a 1 yr old and they would be free) but you have enough to pay into funds weekly for her and your siblings children?
Nice idea but doesn't sound like you can afford it.
I wouldn't see a problem if say she needed a new car seat or something you were struggling to afford and the people who'd gifted the money were happy for that. But it sounds like by requesting money, people assumed she didn't need anything, you've removed the privilege of them choosing something and so they've gifted money assuming it was to be saved but you want to spend it.
Bit weird.

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