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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend Dd's birthday money

249 replies

Icantthinkofagoodname · 02/06/2018 00:01

Hi, NC'd for this as I know a few family members are on here. Dd turned 1 last week and was (very generously) given close to £200 by family and friends. A large chunk of this came from DP's family. We go on holiday next week and I mentioned to mil how I planned to change around half of Dd's birthday money in to euros to get her some nice bits while on holiday. Mil was outraged saying that the money should be going in to an account for when Dd is older and it's not ours to spend. Now fair enough if we were blowing it on ourselves but I planned to get her some nice clothes and a day in the water park with it. She already has an isa that we pay in to every week along with my siblings so she has a decent present for her 18th. I asked people not to buy her any toys for birthday as our house already looks like the closing down sale at toys r us and she really doesn't need anymore. Aibu to spend some of Dd's money even though it will be going on her?
Aplologies for the long post.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 02/06/2018 09:07

YABU and I completely agree with your MIL

Dress it up anyway you want but fact of the matter is that you are using your daughters money to subsidise your holiday.

ladyvimes · 02/06/2018 09:08

If it’s been gifted then it’s yours to do what you like with and going to the zoo and water park sounds lovely.

WaitingForSunday17 · 02/06/2018 09:10

Ds - 9 last week - has £12k in savings and so far has never used any of the cheques he’s been given. When he’s given actual cash he tends to spend it rather than pay it in. If we wanted to go somewhere special we would probably say to him to take his birthday money for spending in the gift shop!
He got £200 for his birthday last week, £150 in cheques and £50 in cash. He hardly received any gifts because people don’t know what to get him as he’s an awkward age. Therefore he is having the £50 cash and withdrawing another £50 of the cheques as he wants a skateboard and a few other bits and pieces. It seems fair as apart from us no one bought him a physical gift and at 9 he still likes physical gifts.
I think saving half or two thirds and using the remaining amount would seem fair. I wouldn’t be horrified by it if I’d gifted money if the parents then used it for clothes etc.

RJnomore1 · 02/06/2018 09:11

I'm gob smacked people think a one year old won't get anything out of a zoo or a water park. In terms of development and sensory activities they will get loads.

BackInTime · 02/06/2018 09:13

Older DC here but unless specifically asked to put the money in savings we have a spend half save half rule.

bouncydog · 02/06/2018 09:14

Why dont you buy premium bonds with it or put it into a national savings account? Family members used to give DD money and this is what we did. She also had a few small wins over the years increasing the value. Was a nice surprise at 18 and she still hasn’t touched the money at 25 - it’s just rolling up towards her house deposit.

Bluntness100 · 02/06/2018 09:15

I also agree with your mother in law. Effectively you'll be using her money to pay for you and your husbands entry to thr zoo and water park.

If you're struggling financially I understand why you would do it, but getting your one year old kid to basically pay for her own days out and clothes is a bit much for most folks.

If you need to do it do it, but personally I would save her money for her if I could.

FASH84 · 02/06/2018 09:16

My DN. was given some Mexican pesos by family at Christmas for our trip in January. She put it together and swam with dolphins she still talks about it now. She has a kiddy ISA that is already very healthy and she's very young, when my DB told family members that's where the gifts went and showed them pictures they were delighted. NB not sure I agree with swimming with captive dolphins but that's a different issue, and they at least went to a sanctuary for rescued dolphins unable to go back to the wild etc (one only had one eye). Surely that experience is a fantastic present and she still keeps saying thank you to GPs 'for my dolphin' , if it's going to give her an experience she wouldn't have otherwise I think there's nothing wrong with it, you're spending the money on her.

Banana8080 · 02/06/2018 09:18

A one year won’t appreciate nice clothes as a gift, but she might like a full ISA when she’s older.

FASH84 · 02/06/2018 09:19

You shouldn't buy your own tickets with it though, DB had to do it with her as she is young and paid for himself

Excited101 · 02/06/2018 09:19

A 3 year old wont remember a waterpark or zoo either, does that mean we should all just sit in at home until we’re old enough to remember everything?!

Do what you want with the money op, why shouldn’t you use the money to add to the holiday? You pay into the isa anyway, it’s all the same ‘pot’

mindutopia · 02/06/2018 09:28

I think it’s fine to spend birthday money on whatever you see fit that she would enjoy (wouldn’t spend it on days out for a 1 year old personally as she won’t really enjoy or remember it). We used first birthday money to buy an ERF car seat. It was more than we would have easily been able to afford easily otherwise. I think when she’s older she’d agree a good car seat was a worthy investment. I think if people want money to go into savings they can put it in there themselves. Our family all has bank details for our children’s savings accounts and make regular transfers on other occasions. But agreed that days out are mostly for you so I’d give those a miss no matter whose money it is.

Mammyloveswine · 02/06/2018 09:29

I don't know why you're getting such a harsh time.. I used ds1s birthday money this year to buy an annual pass to a local attraction that was free for ds but obviously not for me... he loves it there and we have been going since he turned one. Of course young chikfren enjoy days out!

I've bought clothes for the children with money they've received before, saved some and sometimes treated them to tea out (them not me!) if for example we've visited my nana shes given me a tenner "pocket money" for them.

OP it sounds a lovely way to celebrate your little girls first holiday... tell mil to mind her own!

Bluntness100 · 02/06/2018 09:29

I think the issue is you're paying for you and your husband to go to these things with her money. It's not your child's entrance costs. It will be yours.

And normally clothes are at the parents expense not the kids. A one year old doesn't give a shit what they are wearing. So again you're spending it to benefit uou, because you want to see her in those things.

As said, you need to do what you need to do, but I would rethink holidays if it leaves you so financially stretched you can't afford to go to the zoo or whatever and need to spend your child's money to do so.

I'd also reconsider buying her expensive clothes with her birthday money, she won't appreciate it and the more you can put into her own account the more she has as an adult. She's only 1 and you could be starting youtself off in a pattern where you see her money as yours to spend as you wish.

LeeLooDallasMultiPass · 02/06/2018 09:30

PIL pay money directly into the children's bank accounts for both birthdays and Christmas then give them a smaller sum into the children's hands to spend as they wish.

Their Great Grandfather used to give them £10 each for holiday spends to buy ice creams etc. It was a lovely gesture for him to want them to have a treat on his behalf.

I don't think anyone should dictate what you do with money/presents for your child. If they want you to save it why don't they save it on the child's behalf?

It is not as though you said, we are using this money to pay for a new bedding set for our bed.

Don't discuss things with your MIL, or be vague when asked.

But no, if it makes the holiday more fun for all of you spend it. Life is too short to be saving every penny for a child when they turn 18 or whatever, what if they don't reach 18? Plenty of MNetters have sadly lost children.

SensoryOverlord · 02/06/2018 09:38

(wouldn’t spend it on days out for a 1 year old personally as she won’t really enjoy or remember it)

I couldn't disagree more.

A one year old won't really enjoy a day out? Seriously?

My 12 month old has loved the last few days out we've been on. We were at the beach the other day - the sand, the sea...he loved it. We've been to a petting farm recently, again he loved it. We also went to Chessington a few weeks back and he enjoyed it...the couple of rides he went on he laughed the whole way and the rest of the time he people watched and spent time with his family.

No they won't remember it but that's hardly the point. The point in early experiences is that you're shaping them as people. Otherwise you just as well lock them in a cage until they're two or three because 'they won't remember it'.

StealthNinjaMum · 02/06/2018 09:40

op I don't think you are being unreasonable and I think your mil should mind her own business.

My df occasionally gives me £100 to £150 for my dc and I usually spend six months sitting on the money trying to think of a really special gift that that they will actually use. Most recently he gave £100 and I am going to open them a bank account with it. If it were a smaller amount (say £10 or £15) I would let them spend it on whatever plastic tat they want because they need to learn the value of money but I think they need to have something to show for £100.

I have always made clear to the dds that grandad bought them the xxx even if they were too young to understand.

I would say that expensive clothes probably benefit you more than your child but it sounds like your dd has lots of nice toys anyway bought by a generous family.

Waitedtoolong · 02/06/2018 09:41

I’m surprised at some of the replies on here.
Surely life is for living and enjoying family experiences. My kids at a year old would have enjoyed a visit to the zoo and splashing around in a pool.
More fun than watching a money pot grow.
If it’s going to keep the peace - maybe spend a bit and save a bit OP.

shonkyklingonmakeup · 02/06/2018 09:43

Oh shit, I hadn't realised I'd done anything wrong by spending my baby's present money on stuff for her. In my defence, I make sure it's something fun. I can spring for nappies and onesies.

SensoryOverlord · 02/06/2018 09:47

I've scrolled back further and I seriously can't believe the amount of people who think every spare penny should be saved rather than 'frittered' and that taking a one year old to the zoo or on holiday is a waste of time.

What a miserable way to live.

CottonSock · 02/06/2018 09:49

We are spending birthday money from in laws on a weekend to Peppa pig world, with their agreement.

snewname · 02/06/2018 09:49

If they want to dictate where the money goes, they can open their own account. I see why you want the isa to be an 18th from you and your siblings.

It's ok to put other money into a different form of saving if saving is specifically requested, but if not then Dd will have a lovely day out splashing at a water park that you couldn't afford otherwise, even if you use the money to pay adult tickets, and its perfectly ok spend it on clothes that you wouldn't buy her otherwise.

She might not remember the water park but she'll have fun and her experiences now will build her childhood and character..

Candlelight123 · 02/06/2018 09:50

By the way some people think on here we should never do anything, ever, until the child is 7 because they won't remember it! Personally I wouldn't buy clothes but a day out for a child based activity seems ok to me.
What strikes me is the MIL seems very controlling insisting the money goes into the ISA not the savings account- presumably as the ISA can't be accesssed until the child is 18 and then will only be accessible by the child? Does she not trust you OP?

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 02/06/2018 09:54

Such a lot of judgy responses! Do whatever you see fit with the money. You can't seriously give money to a one year old and then not expect the parents to decide what to do with it.

Spend it on DD, spend it on family days out, it's totally up to you. My DC are older but I don't make them save birthday money or but something "special". What's special to them (Jojo bows/Fortnite crap) now isn't special to Great Auntie whoever anyway. If kids are given money it's theirs. I do encourage them not to fritter it but it's ultimately up to them, and as their parent I can let them do that if they want.

BarryTheKestrel · 02/06/2018 09:55

DD has for the last 3 years mainly had money as birthday gifts. We split it 50/50. 50% into her savings account that can't be accessed until she's 18 and 50% to spend on things she wants/needs. Clothes, furniture, fun days out, toys, whatever is needed at the time. Lots of family give the money with a 'buy her some clothes' or 'put that towards her new bedroom furniture' or whatever the case may be at the time. So that is what we do.

If it will benefit DC, do it.