I don't want to wait but husband does. AIBU?

[RoseRuby26]

I'm 30 and married. Tried for baby last month with no success. Husband now wants to wait for 6 months as he doesn't want a child born in the lower half of the academic year group. He says studies show they underperform in school.

I don't want to wait as you can't predict when you'll fall pregnant and we'd like 3 children so why wait when my fertility is declining year on year. Also the studies only show academic success not life long success. Who knows what our child will be like.

Also relevant is the fact that he wants to move house and I'd rather not but I've said I will because it's what he wants. I feel he should compromise as I have. AIBU?

Why does your DH think YOURS & HIS summer born child would not be academic?

This made me laugh, sorry OP. But he's being daft for sure.

He probably doesn't realise that loads of teachers deliberately have their babies in the summer, why? So they can have their Mat leave even longer, or better still, pop back to work for a week and then get paid in full through the summer.

It really isn't a race to have the cleverest kid, when your little one does arrive hopefully he'll just be all about having a happy child, not an academic one. They come in all shapes and sizes so good luck!

I would be running like the wind...have children and you will be stuck with this idiot.

I wasn’t the same age as you when I started trying. I had two miscarriages before I even got to my first baby. You really can’t plan this stuff. If you want three you really do need to get on with it. I always wanted an autumn or spring baby. I ended up with two winters and summer baby. I wouldn’t change any of them for the world.
If you didn’t get pregnant in his acceptable window would he make you wait another year?? Would he do this for every baby or just the precious first born?
Your fertility is declining every month and also the risk of chromosome abnormality increases with age. Ask him Would he rather have an autumn born baby with a chromosome abnormality? Sounds a bit extreme I know but he really does need a good talking too.

*was

I can't believe this is even a consideration of having a child together. I echo everyone else.

I also have a July son. With a first class degree and a good job. Whilst he was slightly below average at primary school and very average at secondary, he still achieved great GCSEs and ALevels and has done well.

Your DH sounds a dick.

And what will he do if the baby, carefully conceived to be born in the first half of the school year, which takes you possibly longer than another year to conceive at the "right" time, is unfortunate and born with autism, or some other mental health or even physical health issue?

He is basically saying he will love a less academic child less, and that's not right at all. There are a lot of factors in how academically successful a person is, and i really don't think month you were born is a particularly important one.

OP your DH is telling you who he is and you need to listen, he's making up ridiculous excuses for not TTC and he's stubborn. Do you really want to bring a child into a relationship where he can't compromise or be honest? I think you need to have an honest conversation about where this is going because I suspect he will make other excuses when the allotted date on the calendar arrives to TTC again and you will be left dangling and frustrated.

How much pressure recon a child not yet even conceived.

Totally bizarre

Recon = on a

While I think that OP's DH is being a bit silly, I think some of the judgements on his character are a bit extreme! People do think about this (as I said upthread, I've had lots of annoying comments about my July due date along these lines) and while I think that for lots of good reasons in this thread this isn't a particularly good way to maximise the child's chances, nor do I think trying to do that means he wouldn't love a child with SEN. People do all sorts of things to give their child the best start in life. Playing your bump classical music, sending the baby to a nursery that does Baby Mandarin, even breastfeeding - people do these things at least in part because they think it'll give the child a 'head start'. Does that mean that people who do these things then don't love their children if they turn out to have SEN?

I was over a year younger than some of my classmates (in NI you used to be able to start school early, the eldest kids at school here are July birthdays, I was the NEXT july) and I certainly didn't struggle. I'm very good at maths in particular (got A (before A*) in GCSE maths aged 14).

My niece is the youngest in her class, 19th June, again, one of the smartest in her year. I think it can impact on some kids, yes, but genetics plays more of a part than anything.

I have an early March born dc1. I deliberately tried for a summer baby for dc2, purely because early March is crap for decent weather on birthdays (i figured oct-feb would be worse), and I love having big parties at the house.

You shouldn't assume you're going to be fertile though. If you want a baby don't mess about with fate or reduce your chances. I was delighted when i thought my dc1 would also be a July birthday like me, but I miscarried.

As a teacher it’s much better for your maternity leave to have an September/October baby (if you can). Work a few weeks at the start and end of the academic year only then still get full pay for the summer holiday.

IndominousRex exactly what I am doing! Due Oct 27 and due back on May 16. Have to leave on Sep 28 as that's the law where I am.

*He might be academically successful but he's a fucking moron
*
^this

When my DH and I decided we wanted to start a family, we just wanted it to happen asap and to have a healthy baby! It wouldn't have occurred to us to try to micromanage it all!
Your DH sounds incredibly controlling and really bloody irritating - he wants to move so you go along with it. He wants to put trying to conceive on hold so you have to agree. Does he actually care about you and how you feel?
I honestly feel for any children you might have because if he's this controlling now and you haven't even conceived yet then what would he be like when you have a child?!
I'd be thinking long and hard if I were you

OP, if / when you have DC then your DH will have to learn very quickly just how little control he will have over whole swathes of your lives. I honestly think it is one of the hardest adjustments of pregnancy and new parenthood if you have hitherto had good health, successful career, financial security etc and therefore enjoyed a sense of control over your life.

It is incredibly unhealthy to attempt to micromanage this kind of detail IMHO. Just crack on with TTC. Hopefully you’ll conceive quickly and with no problems but six months lost can be a long time if not.

He is particularly keen on sport and the statistics show that success in that area also correlates with Sep- Feb birth month. He's basing his whole theory on statistics and I keep trying to put across all the points you are making.

Ah. He’s read Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. One book and he’s an expert?

I love Malcolm Gladwell’s writing. I also do not base my life decisions on his work.

His approach is a bit of a red flag, OP. It doesn’t sound like your DH is a man who would cope well with the curveballs that parenthood can throw you. I think you need some serious conversations about whether your approach to parenthood is actually compatible before you have a child with him.

I think your husband is right. Summer children do seem to be left behind and struggle more at school. I remember the 'clever' kids were all born September- January.

It's bollocks.

I was born in June and the first one from my school to go to oxford. Where I met my June-born husband.

(Oh, and my November born brother is a total fuck-up)

Academic achievement is a smidge of talent and a huge dollop of parental support. Have your baby whenever - spend time with them, read with them and encourage them to think.

Don't rely on birth month to do the work for you

We actively avoided getting pregnant in order to avoid a summer baby - my birthday is 28 July and whilst I did quite well academically with hindsight I was quite immature and certainly left behind physically when it came to sport - yes it all evens out in the end I guess but I didn't want the same experience for my two - one sept and one jan

Definitely makes a different with sport - especially physical sport such as rugby where you are playing with children almost a year older than you

I think it's bizarre. He IBU to think you can decide when you'll get pregnant, and he's also BU to focus on an unborn child's academic successes. V strange

If you want 3 DC you should calculate what age gaps you want between them, including the length of pregnancy and work out how long it's likely to take by the time you're at the last one.

You have about a 20% chance to conceive every month after 30. It drops off a little at 35 but sharply by 40. If you cut out half the year then you effectively halve your chances to conceive in any given year.

I wonder if he would compromise by skipping just September to November instead, to avoid a June to August baby? I also think if you do this for DC1 then have problems conceiving, by the time you get to the next year around he might be so worried he doesn't want to waste an opportunity. On the other hand as a teacher, July/August is a great month to have a baby as you get the whole school holidays as shared parental leave! So while there are potential disadvantages at school level, there are positives elsewhere and some feel early developmental input is massively more important.