I don't want to wait but husband does. AIBU?

[RoseRuby26]

I'm 30 and married. Tried for baby last month with no success. Husband now wants to wait for 6 months as he doesn't want a child born in the lower half of the academic year group. He says studies show they underperform in school.

I don't want to wait as you can't predict when you'll fall pregnant and we'd like 3 children so why wait when my fertility is declining year on year. Also the studies only show academic success not life long success. Who knows what our child will be like.

Also relevant is the fact that he wants to move house and I'd rather not but I've said I will because it's what he wants. I feel he should compromise as I have. AIBU?

My August son may have always seemed young for his year but of the three he was always the one who excelled at sport.

I am genuinely shocked that the month someone is born in would even be a consideration.

Surely if you genuinely wanted a child you would try to conceive all year round? There are so many factors that affect a persons academic ability that you cannot possibly think it is realistic or even possible to try to have such a high level of control over it?!

My baby is due in August and myself and my DH have enough confidence in our abilities as future parents to make sure that our child is academically and emotionally supported enough to become a well-rounded individual. We are both highly educated professionals and so are many of our friends and family- month of birth doesn't seem to have affected any of us.

This is definitely the most ridiculous thing I've heard today

We avoided July because everyone here is on holiday and it’s fairly notorious for poor staffing levels (not UK.)

I was the youngest in my year... 10 A*s at GCSE, 5 As at A level and a degree from Cambridge. My dad was a July birthday and achieved the same. My ds was due 31st August but arrived 5 weeks early.... I think he might be a bit tired during his first year of school but I'm confident that he'll be fine in the medium to long term!

Is this even a thing?

Didn't even cross my mind with my two.

@Angelil

Sorry if it seemed like I am "scaremongering", that was not my intention. I certainly don't think women "dry up" after 30 - I'm soon to turn 30 and not planning on any babies for a couple of years yet. I'm aware women are able to get pregnant past 30, my mum had me at 41! I simply meant to say a) in my experience birth month doesn't make a difference to academic achievement, and b) in my friend's experiences so far, getting pregnant doesn't seem to be that easy, or work to a specific schedule.
Congrats on your pregnancy!

Yanbu. Your husband is. It’s a blessing to have a healthy baby at any time of year. I think your husband had been reading too much Malcolm Gladwell it something.,,

I know people who have planned n this way. Personally I think that a child is a gift and comes to you with a range of abilities and disabilities; charm, blue eyes, coordination, musicality, long legs etc etc Putting competition into the picture before the child is even here is odious. Will your DH prefer your child and be prouder of it if it is top of the class ? And by extension less proud if DC is not successful academically ? That's a worry

I'm a late July baby, I was always top of my class at school. I'm a solicitor now. You have no idea how your baby will turn out

Definitely get cracking, if you want 3 children you can't write off half of the year every year for TTC just based on your child possibly being one of the younger ones at school.

I don’t think you can plan like that. I’m going through a MC now and it takes bloody forever - maybe not for everyone but I’ve know about it for two months and it’s still not over(!). I’ll have gone from an autumn due date to spring if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant again really quickly. So in my situation what would your DH have me do, wait another six months? So including the MC, waste a year basically?

That's just silly, I have 4 dc 1 in August youngest in her class, 1 in feb, 1 in June and 1 in July . My eldest is 12 and has always been top set throughout her primary school.

When I was TTC I started off like that... Oh we don't want to try too hard this month as it'll be a June baby. Oh, no, a July baby. August baby......

Nine months later I just wanted a baby at any sodding time of the year. Thank goodness we were lucky enough to finally conceive then......

I have ten friends with PhDs. Of those three were born in the first half of the academic year, the other seven in the latter half. While it might make a difference at first, I think it balances out long term. If your husband doesn't want to try though you need to respect that, a baby isn't something to compromise about.

Well, after two miscarriages I didn't care what month our baby would be born in. In the end we had a February baby followed 4 years later by a January baby.

Just as an aside... DD is a late summer born and she’s in all top sets at school. I know a few Sep-Nov born children who are all in the lowest sets.

Month of birth does not determine anything.

I too considered this before TTC. Then it took us 18 mths to actually conceive by which time I didn't care what damn month the baby was born. Then had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Took me 6 months to recover and conceive again. In the end my DS was born at beginning of September. Fabulous you might say. Guess what? He's super bright and bored stiff as the oldest in his year. Would have been better being born a couple of weeks earlier and being in the year above. Moral of the story.... your DH can't try to plan for any of this!! If you want 3 get cracking cos its bloody hard work and tiring and you may well want a good 2.5yr gap in between each!

And the research which says that September babies do better academically has been shown to be true only for the first few years. After that there is no difference, so it's not a predictor of GCSEs or A levels.

^^ devil don't know where you got this but it's total rubbish. There is extensive that or has a significant impact right up to A levels.

I was born in July, and my nan had taught me to read and write by the time I started school, I was always far ahead, got into a grammar school etc. Plenty of other summer born kids were there with me. Honestly I’d never even thought about this until I had kids of my own, It didn’t make much difference to me. My older sister was born in November and got very marginally better GCSEs than me, but I think she’s just a bit cleverer than I am - I think it’s a lot more down to home environment than anything.

My twins were born early, in September so will be some of the oldest in their class but one had IUGR, has had lots of health issues, now a developmental regression and waiting on an MRI as they suspect a genetic condition that would mean he is delayed developmentally and likely to have slower growth, later puberty etc. Birth month is such a small variable in a wide range of things that can impact academic ability.

SinkGirl I have a special edition one too, wonky chromosomes and all manner of predictions. It's a hard time waiting xx

My first child was conceived easily on the third try when I was 31. Second child took 3 years to conceive and needed fertility treatment.

You can't predict what your fertility is, you don't want to regret (and resent) wasting 6 months for a relatively trivial reason.

That said I would probably avoid an August or December birthday if possible.

Two other things to consider -

IQ is around 70% heritable so your kid's academic success will probably roughly equal yours and dh's

Antenatal wards are at their busiest in September which has got to impact on care.

Thanks sleeping - right back at you

It’s very early days right now. He was very small and sick at birth, months in nicu, they made one diagnosis and a whole bunch of assumptions and left us to it. Of course now we are finding out there may be much more to it, and watching him regress while we wait is so painful. I hope your little one is doing well x

You can’t plan things perfectly and I wouldn’t waste time thinking about it. Have fun trying and don’t overthink it. I tried to plan my 2nd after a big work travel commitment but before my current work contract ran up (so would have been eligible for enhanced mat pay). I got pregnant exactly when I wanted to. And it was perfect. But a few weeks later had a miscarriage.

I got pregnant again shortly after exactly when I hadn’t wanted to. I was 3 weeks shy of qualifying for any smp at all as my contact was up too early and my due date was 4 days after my dd’s birthday! Exactly what I hadn’t wanted! Ds is 3 months old and he’s perfect and the timing didn’t matter at all in the end.

And for what it’s worth, I was also the youngest in my year, and finished top of my class and went on to get a master’s and a PhD. I did absolutely fine academically. It really is so individual.

Your husband is a twat. Research the evidence yourself, you'll see it's being totally debunked. Deferred starters are due to parental pressure and management of school places.

SinkGirl we kinda had the opposite - really poorly at birth too but immediately sent for genetic testing due to one of his birth conditions. The worst type of prognosis. He's 3 now, mainstream nursery with some delays and ongoing medical issues and extra support but a world away from what they told us.
I hope you get some good answers soon x

I would think twice about having children with anyone who thought like that. Honestly.

There are so many unknowns when you have children and if he's that focused on academic success I would question why he wants children. What will he do if he has a September baby with additional needs? Or one that shows no academic interest. You're potentially setting your dc up for a miserable life before its even concieved.

Have children. Love them for who they are not who you hoped they would be.