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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to wait but husband does. AIBU?

256 replies

RoseRuby26 · 01/06/2018 17:12

I'm 30 and married. Tried for baby last month with no success. Husband now wants to wait for 6 months as he doesn't want a child born in the lower half of the academic year group. He says studies show they underperform in school.

I don't want to wait as you can't predict when you'll fall pregnant and we'd like 3 children so why wait when my fertility is declining year on year. Also the studies only show academic success not life long success. Who knows what our child will be like.

Also relevant is the fact that he wants to move house and I'd rather not but I've said I will because it's what he wants. I feel he should compromise as I have. AIBU?

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 01/06/2018 19:29

Children under perform either because their parents don't support them enough or they are just stupid. The younger ones will need a little bit more support in the first few years but after about the age of eight it doesn't have much of an impact.

f83mx · 01/06/2018 19:30

He's going to be a barrel of laughs for a Dad if he's already concerned about academic performance and the kid isn't even conceived yet.

Fatbigandfrumpy · 01/06/2018 19:31

DH had the same opinion. We are both born at the beginning of the academic year.
DD was born in Sept and I am currently pregnant due in Sept again.
I am currently wondering why I agreed to this madness! Being pregnant over the summer is horrible. That said, the year DD was born we had a really long heatwave and I would have worrie keeping a newborn cool.
As pp said, you don’t know how long it will take so just get on with it! Some of the most successful people I know were born in July/August.

RainbowGlitterFairy · 01/06/2018 19:31

DS is summer born, DD is the oldest in her year. DS is the sporty one, DD has inherited my balance, co-ordination and general crapness as sports bless her. (DD is musical, creative and generally awesome by the way, she is just not sporty) Point is when baby is born is no guarantee of who they will be.

I conceived DS the very first time I had sex and DD was the first month DH and I were trying, I've been trying for a 3rd for 6 years, I wouldn't want to wait 6 months to try just to have a baby in the right month, who might then end up premature anyway.

heykittygirl · 01/06/2018 19:32

I know anecdotal evidence isn't really evidence but I was born end of August and got top A Levels and a history degree from Cambridge. My cousins birthday is September 1st and she never really thrived at school and dropped out of college.

Being young in the year has other disadvantages (like not being able to drink til after all your friends...) but if you're concerned about fertility just get on with it! You don't know what kind of baby you're going to get.

user1490607838 · 01/06/2018 19:32

@LionAllMessy

I'm kind of amazed at the number of people using anecdotes to try to refute statistics.

Only someone born in July or August could be that stupid! Shock

Ba ha ha ha ha! Grin

SomeKnobend · 01/06/2018 19:33

Hang on OP, are you absolutely sure you want a baby with this man? He keeps making huge decisions for both of you with no regard to how you feel about it or how you're affected by those decisions. He can't put things in perspective of what's truly important. Even if you escape this guy at some point relationship-wise, your children will always have him as a father, and you'll have to co-parent with him, which sounds like an absolute fucking nightmare. Don't say you weren't warned! I'd run for the hills!

Popc0rn · 01/06/2018 19:33

All my cleverest friends were born June-August. All my friends who started trying for babies 30+ took at least 18 months to concieve.

userabcname · 01/06/2018 19:39

It's a bit of a silly thing to worry about really for the many reasons pp have listed. Also, babies come when they want to...SIL was due in September and had her baby early at the end of August so preemie and a summer baby! Luckily her boy is a healthy and happy child which is all that matters to her.

RoryDrinkUp · 01/06/2018 19:42

He's either an idiot or is using it as a stalling tactic. Lots of babies are early so to 'guarantee' one born in the 'right' months you've probably got 3 cycles a year to try.

If you're an idiot, you're an idiot regardless of what month you're born in. If you're not, you'll do alright in the end anyway.

Loulabelle25 · 01/06/2018 19:46

I delayed trying for 6 months due needing to be a bridesmaid at a wedding abroad. It then took us 12 long, fraught months to conceive. Don’t delay. I’ve got an early September due date which makes the teacher in me happy but equally I’m fully prepared that if little one wants to make an early appearance he might be an August baby. I can more than live with that - I’m just glad he’s on his way!

Knittedfairies · 01/06/2018 19:51

Obviously your husband hasn’t considered that conceiving a baby is not as reliable as expecting a delivery from Amazon. Don’t wait.

Justmuddlingalong · 01/06/2018 19:52

I never, ever gave what time of year my DC would be born any thought. Never crossed my mind. When we decided to go for it, we went for it. Confused

PuppetOnAString · 01/06/2018 19:57

And if your children aren’t interested in sport...?

Imbluedabadee · 01/06/2018 19:58

Is your DH getting the fear and using this as a delaying tactic? I never thought about this but I have one child born at the beginning of the school year and one summer born and the one who is one of the oldest in their class really struggles while the one who is one of the youngest is doing very well. There is so much more to it than when they are born so I think that is a daft reason to put off ttc if you both want a child

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2018 19:59

Tnh he's blocked out 6 months of trying 6 months of trying, you've blocked out 2. Are you sure that as a couple you're ready for this??

Cambionome · 01/06/2018 19:59

He sounds massively controlling and incredibly inflexible. Sad

Princess9891 · 01/06/2018 20:00

He might be academically successful but he is a fucking moron. Don't have a baby with this idiot...

gingergiraffe · 01/06/2018 20:04

Daughter and son 1 born August and May. Both ready for school and went on to higher ed. Second son born in August. Could really have done with a later start as he always seemed young in his year. He managed to do well in GCSEs, left to do an apprenticeship. Guess which one now earns the most money. Thankfully all are happy and well.

Yes, you really can’t plan exactly when you will conceive or give birth. There are advantages and disadvantages throughout the year. An August birth means one year less of paying for childcare if you have to work, but that should not be the main consideration!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 01/06/2018 20:07

I don't think he'll be disappointed if child is not academic (sporty may be a different issue)

This would worry me a bit. I've seen what happens to little boys (in particular - but could also be an issue if you have a girl) whose dads wanted them to be sporty and they weren't. It's not pretty.

Angelil · 01/06/2018 20:08

Feel like you are scaremongering a bit Popc0rn. As mentioned earlier upthread, I am 32, pregnant with my first baby, and fell pregnant the first month of trying. People act like you completely dry up post-30 and it's not true of everyone by a long chalk.

eurochick · 01/06/2018 20:39

We waited a month to start ttc to avoid an August due date. Three years and four rounds of ivf later we ended up with.... a due date of 28 August. And the baby came 6 weeks prem. so she's doubly "disadvantaged". But so far she seems like a bright little button so hopefully she will do ok when she starts reception in September. You can't plan these things to the degree your husband is trying to. Ttc is inherently unpredictable.

user1490607838 · 01/06/2018 20:44

@eurochick what a touching post. I am sorry you struggled, but I bet your DD is lovely. Grin

user1490607838 · 01/06/2018 20:44

@eurochick what a touching post. I am sorry you struggled, but I bet your DD is lovely. grin

user1490607838 · 01/06/2018 20:45

@Angelil

Feel like you are scaremongering a bit Popc0rn. As mentioned earlier upthread, I am 32, pregnant with my first baby, and fell pregnant the first month of trying. People act like you completely dry up post-30 and it's not true of everyone by a long chalk.

Congratulations. But you are the exception rather than the rule, and it's irresponsible to peddle a 'you will have no problems conceiving in your mid 30's' line, as many women over 30 do NOT conceive 'within a month of trying.'

I agree that you don't 'dry up' when you hit 30, but it's foolhardy to think that once you hit 30 you have 'loads of time' to conceive. And so many women on mumsnet saying stuff like 'I conceived at 42, and had 2 more kids naturally at 45 and 48, with no issues with my pregnancies, or any of the babies' does not help! Fact is, for many women in their mid 30's, (and older) trying to conceive will NOT be easy, and the risk of problems increase a lot.

And after 35, the window of opportunity starts to close very rapidly, there is no point in denying it. The OP is right to feel concerned; her biological clock is ticking, not loudly at the moment, but it has started.........