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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to wait but husband does. AIBU?

256 replies

RoseRuby26 · 01/06/2018 17:12

I'm 30 and married. Tried for baby last month with no success. Husband now wants to wait for 6 months as he doesn't want a child born in the lower half of the academic year group. He says studies show they underperform in school.

I don't want to wait as you can't predict when you'll fall pregnant and we'd like 3 children so why wait when my fertility is declining year on year. Also the studies only show academic success not life long success. Who knows what our child will be like.

Also relevant is the fact that he wants to move house and I'd rather not but I've said I will because it's what he wants. I feel he should compromise as I have. AIBU?

OP posts:
chocolateworshipper · 01/06/2018 19:08

Ha ha ha ha. He's a twit.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 01/06/2018 19:09

There is a correlation between high achieving athletes and being in the older age group at school. I wouldn’t discount it.

I guess it’s like a lot about kids, we try to give them the best chance, healthy pregnancy, birth plan, good schools, warm upbringing, but also we have to adjust around them too. Usually that happens around birth first when they decide to be born / conceived when they feel like it, out of our control! Or are SN (mine is).

Happily the more we adjust too as parents the better it is.

kristophersmum2008 · 01/06/2018 19:09

does he want kids?
a mans fertilty drops aswell from the age of 18 (need to get the practising on at least) i took 5yrs to concieve my first cause i was stopping it

Teeniemiff · 01/06/2018 19:12

My cousin conceived a September baby. He was born in July.
My daughter was a September baby, she was born in August.

I thought it would take a while to conceive my 2nd after trying for a while with our first. I got pregnant that first month.

My point being you just don’t have control over these things. You could wait 6 months, it take you 6 months and back to having a child in the month he doesn’t want.

sanityisamyth · 01/06/2018 19:13

School delay does not help summer-born, study shows www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-44155068

Original poster
RoseRuby26 · 01/06/2018 19:13

@NotTheFordType that made me laugh.

I'm going to have another conversation. I'll push for 2 more months of trying. March and April babies sound delightful.

OP posts:
StillNoClue · 01/06/2018 19:14

You can hold your child back a year if they are born towards the end of the academic year. I think from about May onwards.

If your child comes early, they can easily end up with an August birthday.

If you moved now, I understand his point of view, but what if the school starts underperforming, what if catchment areas change, what if you end up with twins and need additional space, or one of your children requires a specialist school that can all mean that the school you want your kids to go to might be a lot different in 5/6 years time.

Are you sure he actually wants children now, or is this just him having cold feet and trying to throw road blocks in the way? What's to say once you've moved house he might think of another reason to wait; a career opportunity or feel that he's too old/not financially secure.

fluffyrobin · 01/06/2018 19:15

Oh dear. Do you actually want to DTD with such a laughably ridiculous man?!?

He sounds really shallow. What if the baby has special needs? There are so many what ifs!

All babies are an absolute blessing whenever they come and if he wants to wait 6 months for such a superfluous reason with a 30 year old wife when neither of your fertilities have been proven then I'd be reconsidering him as good baby dad material full stop!

frenchfancy · 01/06/2018 19:15

August born and academically successful. He is talking bollards. I think the simple answer is if he doesn't want a baby he doesn't have sex.

BadBadBeans · 01/06/2018 19:15

I'm a primary teacher and was also worried about having a 'summer baby' for those reasons. Then looked at my class, and last year's class: in both cases, the brightest and highest performing children happened to be born in August.

The impact of birth month is nothing compared to the impact of having committed, loving, supportive parents.

(I ended up conceiving straight away and my baby was born in July - and I don't care!)

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 01/06/2018 19:16

So what's going to happen if you don't fall pregnant in his preferred time frame? Stop trying for 6 months? He's being silly.

BarbaraWarpecker · 01/06/2018 19:16

When are these academic outcomes measured? At the end of Foundation Stage or KS1? or at degree level???
I cannot believe for one minute that birth month has any real influence over academic achievement. So many other factors come into play- intelligence for one, support and encouragement, attitude, executive skills, quality of teaching.
Statistically someone has to be bottom but we all know countless summer borns who may be less advanced than their peers when starting school but go on to be 'top of the class' types- myself and my DC2 included.

Angelil · 01/06/2018 19:17

I'm an April baby. Taught myself to read at age 3 and have degrees from Exeter and Oxford.
Husband is an August baby. 3 degrees and now a diplomat.

Would also say that I'm 32 and conceived on the first month of trying!! So even if you do have to wait a little it won't necessarily have an impact.

Cornishclio · 01/06/2018 19:18

He is being ridiculous. One thing we did not discuss was which months we wanted our children born in. We wanted a healthy baby and were blessed with a March DD and an August born DD who was actually due in September.

If he is so keen on statistics point out the number of births that do not go according to plan and the babies born either early due to health issues or late. You may not fall pregnant easily so conception is not an exact science. Your baby may also have SEN meaning he or she may struggle academically regardless of what month they were born in.

I would be a bit worried about his preoccupation with academic success and cannot help feeling a bit sorry for his unborn baby. I cannot help thinking as you do not yet have kids you are focusing on totally irrelevant things. Surely the most important thing is to have a happy healthy and secure child. Academic success is not everything.

Incidentally my August born DD has a first class degree in computing and was very academically able. She could read before she started school and had no issues.

ShuffleHopStepFlapStep · 01/06/2018 19:18

I have a series of mmcs and a 3yr period of infertility behind me. You can't count on controlling these things.

I also have a summer-born DD (conceived first month of trying) who is awesome and a freaking genius and very academically able by any measure. You can't fully control these things either.

I wouldn't take kindly to a husband who 'wouldn't budge' on such important matters, it implies that it is not up for discussion as he has declared how things will be and so they shall. It doesn't work like that.

Oly5 · 01/06/2018 19:20

All kids are different. My summer born kids are doing brilliantly! Some winter ones are struggling in the class.
He’s being ridiculous

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2018 19:21

*I don't n

swingofthings · 01/06/2018 19:21

What would worry me is that is his clear attitude to wanting a performing child. If it's so strong to the point of 'wanting to give every chance' when the baby isn't even yet conceived, what other extremes is he going to go to to make sure it happens, and then what will he do if he child, born early September happens to not be academic at all, or born with a learning disability? Does he then tell you to contact Social Services to take the child away?

I'm another August baby who's done very well at school and ended up with a Masters. Didn't even cross my parents' mind nor mine when I was at school that I might be disadvantaged and my education and future potentially compromised because of when they decided that it was ok to conceive.

xLeanne128 · 01/06/2018 19:22

I'm an August baby and was the top of all my classes and got the best results out of all my friends who were 11 months older than me. Non sense. I didn't want a Christmas baby but I'm currently 11 weeks pregnant and due on 22nd december. Just grateful after MC I'm having one at all!

TatianaLarina · 01/06/2018 19:24

If he’s a teacher he has no excuse for such poor grasp of fertility issues. Being poorly informed, naive and stubborn is a really bad combination.

LionAllMessy · 01/06/2018 19:24

I'm kind of amazed at the number of people using anecdotes to try to refute statistics.

Only someone born in July or August could be that stupid! Shock

LionAllMessy · 01/06/2018 19:26

Anyway, even if birth month plays a part in a child's academic performance, I'm pretty sure parental support and cultural capital play a bigger part. I'm personally not going to avoid any months of the year because I know I'm committed enough to raise intelligent and educated children regardless.

iamloading · 01/06/2018 19:28

My baby was due at a perfect time for your DH but was stillborn. I'm pregnant again and couldn't be more delighted to be due with a healthy baby in August. Oh and for what it's worth I was born in late July and earn a 6 figure salary at 32. So not too worrying 🙄

nellieellie · 01/06/2018 19:28

2 August babies here. Yes of course you get summer borns that do fine, but look at the stats. My DS has learning issues - definitely more problematic in a summer born. My DD very academically able, but doesn’t believe it, hugely confident happy child. But not at school - she started after turning 4 and was socially so far behind the older kids, that it is only now in year 6 that she is showing any confidence. I would have thought about it had I known then what I know now to be honest.

MsChanandlerBoing · 01/06/2018 19:29

(Sorry I haven’t read the entire thread so might be repeating the same stuff)

I was an entire year ahead in school and born in January - so some kids were over a year older than me. I think this was allowed because it was a private school and my older sibling was already there. I was always in the top set in academics (but average in sports) and graduated from a fantastic university.

I think the most important factors are your level of engagement with your child and their education. Nothing will beat having parents that are actively encouraging and simply present for the child (without overloading and stressing).

Hope that helps.