Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to wait but husband does. AIBU?

256 replies

RoseRuby26 · 01/06/2018 17:12

I'm 30 and married. Tried for baby last month with no success. Husband now wants to wait for 6 months as he doesn't want a child born in the lower half of the academic year group. He says studies show they underperform in school.

I don't want to wait as you can't predict when you'll fall pregnant and we'd like 3 children so why wait when my fertility is declining year on year. Also the studies only show academic success not life long success. Who knows what our child will be like.

Also relevant is the fact that he wants to move house and I'd rather not but I've said I will because it's what he wants. I feel he should compromise as I have. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
RoseRuby26 · 01/06/2018 17:29

I know the house move is a bit of a crappy and unfair compromise comparison. I just feel so frustrated that we're now waiting for 6 months when we could end up with an August baby anyway. He's said it before about Sep- Feb baby and I thought he was joking. Today I've realised he's serious and I'm just sad. And pissed off that I didn't realise he meant it. We've been together for 10yrs and everyone is asking me when it's going to happen. Friends are having babies. I know it shouldn't matter but I feel so sad today.

I tried to point out to him that we know loads of successful summer borns. Totally agree with the poster who said the family attitude to education will have more of an impact. He said if we can give our child a better chance of success why wouldn't we.

OP posts:
8pinksnails · 01/06/2018 17:30

I'm a teacher, I worried about this too when we first started trying but then ended up having a MMC at 10 weeks with my first pregnancy. After that we decided to just focus on having a healthy baby rather than worrying about when it would/wouldn't be born.

If you were early 20s I might consider waiting but at your age I personally wouldn't in case there are problems. (Don't mean that offensively I was 30 when I had my daughter.)

FeatheredTail · 01/06/2018 17:30

Life doesn't always work to micromanaged plans. If you want a baby, get cracking.

For what it's worth a) some trusts now give parents with children born after 1 April a choice as to whether they defer their child for a year and b) parental education levels and income are also strong indicators of academic success (or otherwise) at school.

Mrsmadevans · 01/06/2018 17:31

My DD was born 13th August she is a teacher OP.

Hmmisthatit · 01/06/2018 17:32

the academic thing is bollox really. I know plenty of high achieving adults

And yet the research is there and backs this up Confused

Stopyourhavering64 · 01/06/2018 17:34

I waited till Christmas...
Ds was due mid September...
He decided to arrive 5 weeks early, consequently youngest in his year
However he's 19 this yr and 6ft 2
just finished first year uni with a 2:1 so I don't think it's disadvantaged him that much

Original poster
RoseRuby26 · 01/06/2018 17:35

We are born Noevember and December and academically successful. I said about just avoiding July and Aug but he isn't budging.

He wants to move house for somewhere bigger and better school catchment. I'm not sure it's worth the effort and expense. I said if we have fertility problems there will be no baby to worry about schools.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 01/06/2018 17:37

tell him it's fine by you - if he's happy to go without any sex for 6 months Grin

tickingthebox · 01/06/2018 17:38

Problem : He thinks one go and a baby comes in 40 weeks.

Everyone: What about early babies, late babies, miscarriages, taking a while to conceive. That's before you get to fertility treatment (I think you have to have been "trying" for a continuous 12 months??)

He's just not living in the real world.

Trouble is some people catch straight away, some don't, some have issues, some don't.

The only time I "seriously" thought about not trying was with my second when he would have arrived on about 27th December but, I decided not to worry, and it took two more cycles before I was pregnant anyway.

timeisnotaline · 01/06/2018 17:38

I guess I would wait this year (for 3m not 6) as you can’t pressure someone into it, but I would say that if we haven’t conceived by next year there is no way I want to stop trying. Does he want you to be sobbing to your friends that you never had children but were only allowed to try some months of the year?

mylurcheristhebest · 01/06/2018 17:38

My dd was born it late July and she's on top sets for everything

StepBackNow · 01/06/2018 17:41

Two planned autumn term babies.

I'm a July baby and did find it difficult at times.

Uniquack · 01/06/2018 17:42

For what it's worth, my DTDs were supposed to be November babies, but they arrived 12 weeks early, and so were born a few days before the end of August. So not only were they in school a year earlier than they should've been, but they were also effectively 3 months 'younger' than other DC their age. But you know what? They're now in Y5 and both near the top of their class. They're bright girls who do very well academically.

Snowysky20009 · 01/06/2018 17:42

Mines a June baby, has always been top set. Was reading and writing before he started school. You can have a summer baby who struggles a little just as you can a autumn baby. I don't think it makes much difference. A child will do the best they can regardless of where they are in the academic year.

Ilovewillow · 01/06/2018 17:43

You can obviously do as you wish and there are lots of studies re summer born children. I can only speak from experience and would advise caution children and fertility aren't guaranteed. We waited 8 yrs for our first child and underwent a barrage of fertility treatment, tests etc. - she was born 27th August and is the youngest in her yr - from reception it was clear she was bright and in her yr she is top 10 of 90 children. We waited a further 5 yrs and underwent IVF again for our son - yep another August baby - he is currently in reception so who knows but he is holding his own and by no means struggling. That isn't to say that they summer borns don't struggle but you can struggle at school for lots of reasons and your environment and home life certainly impact also.

For what its worth my husband is a May birthday and I'm a July and we both have good degrees and run a successful business.

reddressblueshoes · 01/06/2018 17:44

I was born at the end of July, have a first class undergrad and postgrad from Oxbridge. I also took six months to conceive, then had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, then about 6 months to conceive, with a bit of extra recovery time from the miscarriage (needed surgery) so all in all it will be over two years from when we decided to start trying to when we'll have a child, which will mean a two year delay on number two. That's with absolutely no fertility problems, just a slight bit of bad luck (1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so not even that unusual).

If you're only able to conceive for a few months at a time, how would you even pick up on fertility problems? And how can you fit in three children between 30 and 40 if you also want to leave a few years gap between the. There are also studies about child order making a difference: will this effect what he wants to do re: spacing your children? We were probably always going to stop at two, but our slight delay makes it much less likely we'd have 'time' for number three, since the plan was to have no.1 at 33 and now it will be at 35. If we'd actually needed intervention, it would have been longer.

So - I think he's being an idiot. He's obviously looked at the stats around school success. I'd counter with some stats about parental achievement being the main determinant and then fertility rates. Also, increasing paternal age is correlated with increased risk of learning difficulties, which would affect academic success. Nothing is black and white.

HoldTightPretendItsAPlan · 01/06/2018 17:44

I'm younger than you, I've been TTC for 15 months and have had two miscarriages. I think he's deluded to think it's so simple.

senioritabonita · 01/06/2018 17:45

I heard a Cambridge academic on radio 4 - he'd just completed a huge study of birth month and advantage. Everyone got super excited about the increased chances of making it as a professional footballer if you are sept born but he dismissed it and said so few people are exceptional that it is statistically irrelevant. He suggested spring March - June was best time to have a baby as it is our evolutionary preference and the peak birth time for the UK - he said that nature/evolution knew best and there were huge health benefits. It was really interesting.

abbey44 · 01/06/2018 17:48

You just can't tell and even if you could plan it so exactly, there's no guarantee everything will work as you want. My second child was conceived after a miscarriage, so we never had an exact date for his arrival, but all the estimates put it as somewhere in October. As it happened, complications meant that he was induced early and actually arrived on 30th August, meaning he's always been the youngest in his year. Despite that, he's done well and it was only the first couple of years at school that you could tell he was much younger than the others as he'd get tired quickly. Academically he was absolutely fine.

I don't think it really makes a lot of difference in the long run. Hope it works out for you.

Bluelady · 01/06/2018 17:48

I was born in August and was always the youngest in my year. Added to which my dad was in the forces so I changed schools every 2/3 years. I passed my 11 plus with one of the highest marks in my year and my degree's a 2:1. Obviously it didn't do me any harm.

greedygorb · 01/06/2018 17:50

Are you sure it's the school thing or is that just a smoke screen? You try one month with no luck and suddenly half the year is out for baby making. Perhaps he was actually a bit relieved you weren't pregnant and made him think he's not quite ready hence the new time scale.

coffeeforone · 01/06/2018 17:51

I think YABU not to respect his decision to want to wait. You should both feel ready. I also think it's ok to plan a preferred time of year if you are still youngish and have just started TTC.

DH and I always said we wanted September babies if possible due to the statistic (not anecdotal) school thing.

But DS1 was not planned and was born in May. This time we planned for September and DC2 is due end of September. Obviously if he arrives August we won't mind but at least we tried for September!

caringcarer · 01/06/2018 17:52

If summer born child and you think they are immature for their years just defer entry for a year. They still get the full years of education just one year behind peers of chronological age. Do you think dh is really making an excuse to delay trying for baby? Some men feel strange about becoming a Dad. However he should also take your feelings into account. Will he pay for IVF if he insists on delay and then you don't conceive naturally? If you both want 3 children and a couple of years in between each one for your body to heal then you would be coming towards 40 when you had your last depending on long conception takes. Don't delay too long as it is wonderful being a Mum.

MrTrebus · 01/06/2018 17:53

Have only read the OP. Fucking hilarious honestly if you'd had a child you'd realise how ridiculous that sounds. Either try or don't, having a break for silly reasons is just....silly.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 01/06/2018 17:53

My birthday is the 28th August. I was always top of my year group throughout my schooldays.

And the research which says that September babies do better academically has been shown to be true only for the first few years. After that there is no difference, so it's not a predictor of GCSEs or A levels.