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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to wait but husband does. AIBU?

256 replies

RoseRuby26 · 01/06/2018 17:12

I'm 30 and married. Tried for baby last month with no success. Husband now wants to wait for 6 months as he doesn't want a child born in the lower half of the academic year group. He says studies show they underperform in school.

I don't want to wait as you can't predict when you'll fall pregnant and we'd like 3 children so why wait when my fertility is declining year on year. Also the studies only show academic success not life long success. Who knows what our child will be like.

Also relevant is the fact that he wants to move house and I'd rather not but I've said I will because it's what he wants. I feel he should compromise as I have. AIBU?

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 01/06/2018 18:43

I have April, May and start of July babies....we would have had a gap for a couple of months if I hadn't have got pregnant with the July birthday as I know many more July/August birthdays who struggle than who don't.

However, if you live in an 11+ area, the younger children get a bit of a boost as they sway the results slightly in their favour and as I prefer to have summer children that bit of the year suited me and I'm very lucky to get pregnant very easily.

Anyway I'd keep trying for another couple of months, it'll also give you an idea of how easily you get pregnant.

NapQueen · 01/06/2018 18:43

Do you think he is just trying to be In Charge? Pregnancy and the first year is usually controlled by the baby and the needs of the pregnant mother so maybe he is realising "hmm this may be the only element of this i can be firm on"?

Not right of course. But possible.

LynetteScavo · 01/06/2018 18:43

What @Mousefunky said.

I know studies show summer bones under perform, but then apparent so do DC from families with more than 2 DC, so your DH might want to rethink that one!

On the plus side a summer norm means a year less if child care to pay for if you go back to work.....

While on the one hand I admire your DHs planning, it's almost micromanaging and therefore a bit concerning....what if he only wanted his DC to have x coloured hair or be good at x sport or not be dyslexic, etc..

One thing I really like about my DH was that he was so not dyslexic, so surely we wouldn't have dyslexic DC...genes from my side of the family had other ideas, summer born babies or not.

user1490607838 · 01/06/2018 18:44

@RoseRuby26

I have 2 kids (born in the early 1990's,) born in June and July (13 months apart.)

They went to Oxford and Warwick. Both got first class degrees with honours. Are now in their mid 20's and on £47K & 50K.

My doctor's daughter (also training to be a doctor,) just graduated from Kings College in London - and her birthday is 1st August. My niece has a law degree and is a solicitor; born in June!!!

If a child is bright and clever, being born between mid April and late August makes no difference; they will still do well. On the other hand, if they are non-academic, or lazy, or generally not very bright, they can have a September birthday, and end up failing at everything in school. (And in life!!!)

If you conceive now, it will only be March when you give birth, so wtf is he on about?!!

YANBU, your husband is chatting shit.

Rainatnight · 01/06/2018 18:44

Have you had a chat with him about your approaches to parenting more generally? If I were you, I'd be concerned he was going to take that goal-oriented and micromanaging attitude to everything.

Kids just aren't like that. Stuff happens. Things go wrong. Things you weren't expecting go right.

And I'd really worry about the weight of expectation on this kid's shoulders. What if they have special needs? Or just aren't academic?

I really would have a very careful chat with him about how he'd deal with the various things kids could throw at him.

KurriKurri · 01/06/2018 18:45

You might end up with a child born in sep - feb, who just happens not to particularly academic or particularly sporty. Those two things are not the be all and end all.

Most children don't fit into a statistical mould.
Loads of factors influence how well children do at school. Assuming no learning difficulties, your child will have a huge advantage having teacher parents who value education.

LilQueenie · 01/06/2018 18:47

hes talking garbage. Does he have experience with kids?

ladymelbourne1926 · 01/06/2018 18:47

Your dh is basing his decisions on the most inexact science there is.
I have two birth children born at 26 and 24 weeks respectively, ds1 was due April and he was born at Christmas- trust me his future academic achievement was the least of my worries! It shouldn't be worrying your dh either. Ironically he is both athletic and crazy smart (not a boast but we're talking so smart he's achieving high grade GCSEs at 10) both things contraindicated by every study done on the development of micro preemies - Studies are flawed, children are individual.
If he wants to wait then that's fair enough but for that reason seems crazy, especially as you haven't tried before.

toomanykidstocount · 01/06/2018 18:47

My sister was due mid September - best time to be born for all round success apparently, guess what...baby born 5 weeks early so now an end of August baby and doing very well indeed. I wouldn't wait tbh

KeefBurtain · 01/06/2018 18:48

My eldest is a September born and is no more academically advanced than my March born.

What she is, though, is a lot more socially and emotionally mature than some of the younger kids so found (especially in junior school) that she’s outgrown certain toys/games/interests that the summer born were still playing, so found it harder to maintain friendships.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2018 18:49

What if you have w baby born at the correct time of year and it has learning difficulties? Just not as smart as the others through to significant learning difficulties. I'd question how well he'll cope with a nine perfect child

Bowlofbabelfish · 01/06/2018 18:49

He’s being ridiculous. You might conceive first month. You might miscarry. Your child might be gifted. They may be severely disabled. It may take weeks or months or years.

The doing worse at school thing is an average across populations - for an individual child, many other factors will have FAR more influence than age.

It’s dh who needs back to school for some stats revision I think....

Is he stalling genuinely for that reason or is he using that as a cover?

Barbie222 · 01/06/2018 18:53

He sounds a bit naive. Maybe this time next year he might be grateful for any due date. I don't mean to be all doom and gloom but you never know.

carefreeeee · 01/06/2018 18:55

Just put the child in school a year late if it's born July or August

SunnyCoco · 01/06/2018 18:55

Oh honestly who cares!

Unfortunately there is the risk of miscarriage, loss etc so you could end up losing years doing it his way.

sunnydaynoworking · 01/06/2018 18:56

If you're both teachers, as well as not being so fucking stupid, you should know your child is going to benefit from two degree educated parents who are well up on the latest exams and educational practices - this should outweigh any age disadvantage surely.

lola006 · 01/06/2018 18:58

Hmm well my Nov born DS struggles a bit with school and didn’t even sit the 11+, while my July born DS was one of 3 boys in class to pass it without being tutored so your DH’s logic sounds a tad flawed.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 01/06/2018 18:59

It’s not ridiculous, you are 30 so if there’s no other pressing reason, I’d wait. My son is the youngest in his year and it’s quite hard on him.

But more important is if you take a while to conceive. So if I were you I’d wait 6 months, but then if it takes a while just go for it whenever.

0lgaDaPolga · 01/06/2018 18:59

That seems a bit ridiculous if you don’t know how long it will take to conceive. My first took 5 months, my second took 2 months. I couldn’t have planned it. So if you start trying again in 6 months and it doesn’t happen straight away what is his plan, wait until the following year?!

MumOfDiamonds · 01/06/2018 19:00

My DD is end of April and my DS is mid June. DD is year 6 in September and already working at level 6 and my DS who struggled slightly in years 1 & 2 is now in year 9 (year 10 in Sept) and is already working at levels 7 and 8 GCSE. I'm a November birthday and didn't do very good at all in school. I think it all depends on the encouragement given at home towards learning. I never got any at all growing up and my attendance was shocking. My children want to go to school even when poorly (I don't send them obviously) and they love learning. Kids are amazing sponges when they are young. Maybe think about starting school at 5 if they were born later in the school year.

Original poster
RoseRuby26 · 01/06/2018 19:01

He understands that we could have a SN child or they might struggle with learning. I've pointed it out many times. His point is that if we can choose when they are born then at least we are giving them that slight advantage. Even if it doesn't work out to be an autumn born baby then at least we tried. I do get where he's coming from.

I don't think he realises how common problems in fertility are e.g. it could take up to a year even if we're healthy and there's not an insignificant risk of MC.

I don't think he'll be disappointed if child is not academic (sporty may be a different issue) but he just wants to give them the best chance.

What with avoiding early September and Decemeber (that's me this time), we have about 4 months of the year to conceive in. Ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoseRuby26 · 01/06/2018 19:03

If we got to next June and no pregnancy, I don't know what he'd want to do. I wouldn't stand for it then, however.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/06/2018 19:03

He wants to wait 6 months after just one month of trying?

A couple more months would be April/May-are they months to avoid?

NotTheFordType · 01/06/2018 19:07

Lol.

What happens if you get pregnant during his golden time to someone who isn't him?

SunnyCoco · 01/06/2018 19:07

I was stupid enough to aim for the ‘perfect’ (for me) age gap between my kids

Miscarriage after miscarriage ended those hopes and now I thank my Lucky stars that my babies are here at all, no matter the age gap

My first pregnancy was a dream - pregnant first time we tried, totally healthy and no problems. Not even morning sickness. So I never predicted the awful Times that followed

So , I’m afraid it’s not something I’d mess around with. Best of luck x