I don't want to wait but husband does. AIBU?

[RoseRuby26]

I'm 30 and married. Tried for baby last month with no success. Husband now wants to wait for 6 months as he doesn't want a child born in the lower half of the academic year group. He says studies show they underperform in school.

I don't want to wait as you can't predict when you'll fall pregnant and we'd like 3 children so why wait when my fertility is declining year on year. Also the studies only show academic success not life long success. Who knows what our child will be like.

Also relevant is the fact that he wants to move house and I'd rather not but I've said I will because it's what he wants. I feel he should compromise as I have. AIBU?

I will trot out my usual response to people not wanting a summer-born baby...

I am summer-born. I have three degrees, speak three languages, good at most subjects. My birth-month had no bearing on how well I have done in life. I have friends born earlier in the year, including September, who struggled at school.

As an experienced teacher, from Reception up to Year 6, it is less about a child's birth month (especially as they get older) but about how much input the parents give to their child's academic work at home, e.g. reading with them, helping them learn phonics, providing them with interesting educational opportunities at weekends and in holidays.

In my current class (Year 4), I can say that of the 14 September-February-born children, 5 are working below age-related expectations (none of these children have much input from home and 2 have SEN). Of the 15 children born March-August, 5 are working at or above age-related expectations, including the highest-achieving child in my class, and 6 of the remaining 10 have SEN or are non-English speakers. So if you take the children only working at or above age-related who do not have SEN or EAL, Sep-Feb has 60% of children and Mar-Aug has 56% of children. Not a lot of difference.

I'm a mum with a child who is young for their year. Absolutely no academic issues, quite the opposite. I'm also a secondary school teacher and have noticed NO DIFFERENCE at that stage between young-for-their-year kids and the rest.

My dd was born in October and is more "practical/arty" than academic. My son is a January baby and is a naturally "greater depth" at school child. He's always been very clever without trying.

So I'd say it depends on the child because my son has always been naturally clever (as in we haven't pushed or spent extra time with him learning) even before he started school and he would have still been that way even if he was born in August.

If your child is naturally academic then they will be whenever they are born and I hate it when parents say "oh well she's not doing well in school because she was an august baby".

I tried getting pregnant from 28. Didn't have a baby until I was 32. Don't wait. You'll regret it.

Not so much academically but my August born boy aged 8 does struggle a little socially and with certain aspects of self care that you would expect a child of that age to do. It does show that he is 11 months younger than the alpha male in his class who is the captain of everything and v socially confident. Unfortunately he was a year or two before they allowed deferred entry to reception or I would have done it. I'd say at 30 you could afford to allow a one year cycle of trying for a Sept_Feb but then after that crack on regardless.

I have two planned autumn babies. I agree with your husband to an extent - I think I would want to avoid May-August babies in the first year of trying. By the time you’ve been trying for a year I think there are more important things to consider - but in the initial few months of trying I wouldn’t choose to disadvantage my baby just because I didn’t want to wait a few months (and there is evidence that it does disadvantage them).

Ha! It never occurred to me to even think about this! As it turned out, dd was a summer baby, but she is well ahead of her peers in school anyway, so it would have been worse if she was a September baby.

DSis and I were both spring babies - we both did really well at school, then went on to Oxbridge etc. I don't think it makes a huge amount of difference tbh, and I think your DH is barking!

When I did my teacher training (And I've actually seen it in practice!) They mentioned that even if a child can read etc before starting school it doesn't mean that they will achieve more than a child who cant. I was born in June and came out with good grades (and I missed years of school and was placed in 16 different foster homes and 3 different high schools) and people in my year who were born in September and what is classed as a "healthy" home life didn't do so well. I guess it's up to you if that is what you both choose to believe. I just don't want people to think that just because a child is born late in the school year or in the summer then they don't have a chance.

How will he cope if your child is just a bit thick?

Brightest child in my DCs year was born on 29 August and has just graduated with an Oxbridge first. Not all summer born children are behind in their studies, there are lots of other factors to take into account.

I'd just go ahead and get pregnant as soon as possible

Out of interest, what's his plan for contraception during this six month waiting period? I would refuse to use hormonal contraception if I were you - it can take a long time to get back out of your system, so taking it for six months now might mean it was this time next year that you got regular cycles back if you were unlucky (and then it would be time to stop trying again!). He may or may not be less keen on this gap if it means six months of condoms...

I'm a summer baby, I always excelled academically at every level easily outperforming the older pupils in my year and in older years. Is he a summer baby and that is his excuse for lack of achievement?

I planned my first pregnancy to be born late in the year. Ended up being prem twins born in August. Still very bright. Plans don’t ever work out the way you want them to.

Has he just got cold feet?

He must realise getting pregnant is not an exact science. It could easily take 6 months of trying.

The sooner you keep trying the sooner any fertility issues will show (no reason you’d have any).

I also agree with Lisa. Stick to condoms so you don’t disrupt cycles. (And see how long he sticks to that!).

My 3DCs were born in May, July & November and are all equally academically successful. As others have already said, so many other factors are significant, it makes no sense to take such a simplistic view as you DH.

senioritabonita was the Cambridge academic David Spiegelhalter, Professor for the Public Understanding of Risk? I always enjoy listening to him - he gives such a fascinating insight into how easily statistical information is misunderstood

August baby here - straight As at A level and a first. DH July baby but the same. DD is May and bright, top grades etc.

Honestly it wouldn't even have crossed my mind to have planned like this. However I do think summer born babies start school when they are very young, so pick the school carefully if it's possible, and don't pressurise the child at all, from experience of all 3 of mine each will flourish in their own way when the time is right and after 7!

I see his point but he’s being unfair, massively so really. Does he understand that you could be having this same conversation next year if you’ve not managed to conceive in the few months he deems ok?

We can all have stupid ideas before trying for a baby but ultimately he needs to realise that it may not work to his schedule and he needs to decide, does he want a baby/child soon or his precious autum born kid in 3-4 years in a potential worse case scenario?

I’ve got a summer born because I didn’t think I’d get pregnant that quickly. But hey, at least it wasn’t a Christmas birthday......
my second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I was desperate for a baby, I was lucky enough to fall pregnant again and that third pregnancy ended in my absolutely perfect Christmas baby! They’re honestly more amazing than I ever could have imagined and I couldn’t give a single shit what month they were born in.

People keep asking me if I'm worried that my baby born in July will underperform academically because of it. I find this quite an irritating question in general - this pregnancy took 18 months and three miscarriages so I wasn't exactly timing it and anyway why say this to a pregnant woman, I can't change it now! - but I do enjoy pointing out that as a July baby who's now an academic with an Oxbridge first and a PhD I'm not exactly panicking about it. Tends to shut them up.

People tell you not to expect to get pregnant on the first try - that it could take anything up to a year. But if you're deliberately missing cycles, it will take much longer to establish if you actually have a problem, raising the possibility that if you need IVF, you will be older. Also, your fertility drops as you age so you are raising the probability that you will need IVF at all. For a husband wanting an academically 'perfect' child, the risks of premature birth for IVF babies should make him think very, very hard about pretending there is all the time in the world to have three children. No one should take being able to have even one child for granted.

Tell him that.

*due in July. I suppose he could still be born in June.

Thanks so much for all of your input. It really helps to get others' points of view. I think I'm so scared of having problems I just want to get on with it. I thought I'd be much younger when I had my first child. I've also pointed out that I'd love a baby in Spring as it will be great for walks etc .

Interesting to hear about that Radio 4 interview. I'd like to look into that more.

I'm not sure I'll convince him. He's stubborn. I'm researching flights to Ibiza for girls holiday and having a gin instead. Annoyed.

Meant to add that there is extra risk of developmental problems with babies born early and an extra risk of babies born early with both older mothers and IVF babies - far, far more significant issues in terms of academic potential than their age within the academic year!

Is your husband always this unreasonable and controlling? Are you sure you want to have children with a man like that, because I promise his issues won't get any better, especially after the children are born. He is being utterly ridiculous.

I 100% will not go back on pill. Ever again. I will track cycles and maybe try to work out ovulation days if we have to wait. Annoyingly, he's fine with condoms.