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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want to wait but husband does. AIBU?

256 replies

RoseRuby26 · 01/06/2018 17:12

I'm 30 and married. Tried for baby last month with no success. Husband now wants to wait for 6 months as he doesn't want a child born in the lower half of the academic year group. He says studies show they underperform in school.

I don't want to wait as you can't predict when you'll fall pregnant and we'd like 3 children so why wait when my fertility is declining year on year. Also the studies only show academic success not life long success. Who knows what our child will be like.

Also relevant is the fact that he wants to move house and I'd rather not but I've said I will because it's what he wants. I feel he should compromise as I have. AIBU?

OP posts:

luxurybiscuit · 01/06/2018 18:14

Your husband is being an arse (besides which I'm sure you could find an equal amount of studies debunking his theory, as well as others supporting the fact that your socio-economic status and the parents intelligence have a far greater impact on academic outcomes).

I'm a summer baby and was always top of top set and got a full scholarship to an academically elite school (so tell him to stick that in his pipe and smoke it I'm also very mature for 47).

I should book that ticket and go to Ibiza and see if you can find yourself a man who is up for a 'whenever' baby whilst you're at it. I've heard that babies conceived that way turn out not to be pompous, know it all bellends ;)....

Topseyt · 01/06/2018 18:21

He doesn't seem to realise that planning for when you hope a baby will be born is a very inexact science. About as inexact as science gets.

It can take time and perseverance, and a smooth ride is not guaranteed. I'd be tempted to just say you want to get cracking now, regardless of what this precious "research" says.

I was late August born. I have a 2.1 degree in Modern Languages and have done pretty well.

My DD3 was a July baby. She is 15 now, has always been top set for everything and is predicted top notch GCSE grades this summer.

DD2 was a December baby. She is 19 now and has never been remotely interested in academia. She is my non-academic.

DD1 was a May baby. She is 23 now. She got top GCSE and A Level grades and a first class honours degree from a Russel Group Uni.

You really can never totally plan for what you will get, and nor should you. Your children will be what they will be regardless of their birth month.

So your DH is living in cloud cuckoo land.

sunnydaynoworking · 01/06/2018 18:21

Well the school cut off where I live is February so you could always move
I seriously wouldn't have a baby with someone so shallow, but maybe it wouldn't have bothered me so much before actually having a baby, sufferings mcs etc. You'll be lucky to get a healthy baby who can attend school.

Actually since you say you've been together for ten years and he is still postponing fatherhood, I wouldn't think he's that keen...

MissConductUS · 01/06/2018 18:23

Annoyingly, he's fine with condoms.

Tell him that you agree fully with waiting now that you've thought about it and that the failure rate for condoms is way too high to take the chance, so no intercourse until you're ready to try again.

Really, he's being a nut. I went through fertility treatment in my 30's and it was hard on both of us. The drugs gave me PMS so badly that there were times I came dangerously close to killing him for breathing. Ask him how he'd like that for a year or so.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 01/06/2018 18:24

I agree with previous posters that he's got his priorities all wrong but I don't think you can force him to TTC if he doesn't want to, even if his reasoning is daft. Is it possible that he's having second thoughts about parenthood and this is a bit of a delaying tactic?

Caribou58 · 01/06/2018 18:26

As a former teacher I can tell you that the strongest indicators for achievement are social class and parental support for education an learning from birth.

DontThinkTwice1 · 01/06/2018 18:26

I'd be weary about having a baby with someone who put so much emphasis on their poor unborn child's academic status even before trying because it leans towards pushy parent from the word go..

TammySwansonTwo · 01/06/2018 18:26

What happens if your baby is due in October and you end up having them at the end of August? I know many people this happened to. You can’t factor everything in. My twins were born in September which meant I was heavily pg through summer - never again!

TatianaLarina · 01/06/2018 18:28

Is it possible that he's having second thoughts about parenthood and this is a bit of a delaying tactic?

That’s what I think.

AnnaMagnani · 01/06/2018 18:29

Your husband is a bit daft.

Am summer born, top in class throughout school, 1st class degree, over achiever.

Me and my DM joke about what I would be like if she had breastfed me and I'd been born in November

However academics is not everything - there is also being happy, socially contented, good at sports, etc. I'm rubbish at all those things. With kids they just are who they are.

Topseyt · 01/06/2018 18:29

Tell him that not only will you not go back on the pill, but that you are not fine with the feel of condoms and find them a turn off, so he will have to remain celibate for the next six months if he is serious about not wanting to try for a baby.

Clearly the only answer is no more nooky for now.

Mrsramsayscat · 01/06/2018 18:29

Tammy that happened to me. Adult DD doing fine.

Mousefunky · 01/06/2018 18:30

Life is so unpredictable you could end up with a child who is disabled or has SN. They may have dyslexia or just simply not be academic.

I really don’t think summer babies suffer all that much, not in my experience anyway. My mid August baby is the smartest of my three DC. YANBU, I think your DH is a bit potty.

Mousefunky · 01/06/2018 18:31

It is also true that you could end up with a preemie. Could be due in September or October and still have an August baby.

mcqueencar · 01/06/2018 18:31

I wouldn’t choose to disadvantage my baby just because I didn’t want to wait a few months

😒

Grumpos · 01/06/2018 18:34

I tried to get pregnant for 7 years overall (different relationships). Of course when I first started trying I was all “Oh I’d love a autumn / winter baby”.
Fast forward years of ttc heartbreak id have happily taken absolutely any baby I could.
Very happily pregnant now with due date of very end of August. Over the moon.

Is all fine and dandy to make plans based on what you’d like....what life / nature / biology / fate wants to give you is a different matter altogether.

Statistics can be skewered and reported to fit the narrative. Unless you explore ALL the factors influencing academic achievement then pulling birth month alone is a little misleading.

Best of luck

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/06/2018 18:34

Are you sure it's the school thing or is that just a smoke screen? You try one month with no luck and suddenly half the year is out for baby making. Perhaps he was actually a bit relieved you weren't pregnant and made him think he's not quite ready hence the new time scale.a

This. Is it cold feet? If he's usually intelligent and rational; I'd be cautious.

Orchidflower1 · 01/06/2018 18:35

Asmouse said whet if you have a premmie. Friend of mine had planned a sept birthday. Baby disaggreed and arrived 3 weeks early at 28th August!

OhCheersForThat · 01/06/2018 18:36

I can’t understand people who play about with fertility like this.

Original poster

RoseRuby26 · 01/06/2018 18:36

I don't think he's having second thoughts about a baby. From early on we've both been very keen on starting a family.

Potentially outing, but we are both teachers so I think we both understand the importance of success at school. He is particularly keen on sport and the statistics show that success in that area also correlates with Sep- Feb birth month. He's basing his whole theory on statistics and I keep trying to put across all the points you are making. You can predict anything! Statistics actually tell you nothing about what will happen to you!!!

I DON'T CARE WHEN OUR BABY IS BORN.

OP posts:

mcqueencar · 01/06/2018 18:36

Well apparently most billionaires are Aries & Leo born children & most Olympians are Pisces, Aries & Taurus so I guess you could aim for those months.

Barbadosgirl · 01/06/2018 18:38

My brother is an August baby and super smart and very successful. On the other hand both my husband and I and my brother and sister in law had fertility problems so I know what I would prioritise.

Findingdotty · 01/06/2018 18:40

I have several members of my family including one of my three children born in July & August. Watching them struggle I would definitely plan trying to conceive to avoid these two months and the first few weeks of Sept (in case of an early birth). You can’t control it completely but I would avoid these months as a birthday.

mcqueencar · 01/06/2018 18:40

In all seriousness though what happens if you do have the statistical perfect birth date & then said child doesn’t live up to your expectations?

NapQueen · 01/06/2018 18:40

Did he assume it would happen first try? Even if you try in time for a September baby it could arrive very early and end up July/aug baby.

I have two very academic teacher friends who just wanted a baby full stop. They knew the research and as teachers are exposed first hand to the varying capabilities. They realised that a baby was more important than a baby born om x date.

Will he also want to cancel out any months that cound mean an xmas baby? How far does it go?

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