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Original poster

Equal financial contribution vs equal contribution

235 replies

Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 10:41

We have just returned from a lovely half term holiday and I said to dh that it had given me back the travel bug. I told him that we should go ahead and book the holiday that he's been talking about for ages. He suddenly changed completely and said 'you won't be booking anything with MY money' in a really aggressive way. I was shocked and burst into tears in front of a room of strangers.

This isn't the first time he has said this over the past couple of weeks. I ordered him some clothes for him for our holiday and he messaged me to say why was I buying clothes for him with his money? For reference, I have bought clothes for him for years.

I am not a spendy person - it is extremely rare I buy anything for myself but I will buy things for the children and house, etc.

I am absolutely devastated at him behaving like this. I have been a SAHM for five years looking after our two children, one of whom has special needs and requires alot of time. I have worked previously but our situation means that we cannot get childcare for our special needs child. I do everything around the house and for the children. When he comes home from work his dinner is made, the house is clean, and his children are happy.

We have been together for 15 years, married for 6. He has never said things like this before. I am devastated and have told him never to speak to me again.

OP posts:
SoaringSwallow · 02/06/2018 05:54

Rainy but OP said upthread that she does all the weekends too.

OP what does he do at the weekend?

NotTakenUsername · 02/06/2018 06:00

Rainy but OP said upthread that she does all the weekends too.

I’d be interested to break this down a bit. I struggle to imagine the father who contributes morning and night to the children, but then switches off entirely at the weekends.

echt · 02/06/2018 06:01

To be fair, if he takes dc to school on his way to work at 8:30, works until 6:45 and then gets the dc to bed, he isn't getting much downtime himself. In those circumstances I think I might start feeling a bit resentful of the parent at home, who has hours of downtime 8:30-3:30, even with 3hrs of housework factored into that period

None of this explains "my money".

RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 06:06

*None of that explains 'my money'
*
Of course not, that's horrible, just aware that I've said unkind things in the past myself, we're all capable of it but excuse our own bad behaviour as stress or worry while condemning other people. Unless op is kicking him out today, they need to find a way forward, understanding where all of this is coming from might help that process.

Pengggwn · 02/06/2018 06:21

He doesn't get to dictate that you need to find paid work and continue with the current split of other tasks. Just no.

lunchtime waitress, work the till at supermarket, anything in a school.

Oh yes, sounds eminently doable. When did you last apply for a job 'working the till' where you could dictate your own hours? Hmm

squiglet111 · 02/06/2018 06:31

I think you need to prove your point. See if you can get a volunteering job in them days. Go out the house and don't do anything you would have usually done in them hours. Let him come home to an untidy house, no dinner, no ironed chothes or whatever. He needs to see what you do that he doesn't notice.

Also, when does he expect you to fit housework etc in if you have a job? If you have a job then he needs to step up and do 50% of cleaning, cooking etc. He basically doesn't see housework as a job as he's never has to do it so doesn't realise it you probably spends hours a day keeping on top of all house stuff

Grandmaswagsbag · 02/06/2018 06:34

If I were you I’d be looking at a weekend job. He sounds like he’s being a knob that I wouldn’t want to spend time with right now anyway. I wonder if he might change his mind if has has two full days of cooking, cleaning and childcare to contend with alone.

Spikeyball · 02/06/2018 06:35

arethereanyleftatall the OP gets carers allowance which means she already does far more than a parent of a child without additional needs.

GabriellaMontez · 02/06/2018 09:01

Wow. He wants it all.

I wouldn't engage in petty itemising of hours or tasks.

If you want to save your relationship You need to find out what is going on. Why suddenly now? In a very adult way. So far it sounds like he just wants to be a twat not have a grown up conversation.

He is not happy. Can you find a compromise? I certainly wouldn't be doing 3 days extra work so he could feel you were working hard enough. But maybe there are changes you could find to improve things.

But there is some weird stuff here...

Why does he have to sit on his own on his phone with a sleeping child? How long for? Who is he texting? Who is he kidding? Why is he pretending this is a chore?

Why do you only spend 100 pounds a year in yourself? That's only a couple of haircuts...

Couples can get through tough times if both want to. At the moment his disrespect stinks. I'd have plan b in the back of my mind.

listenup7 · 02/06/2018 09:23

It sounds like he's getting resentful. I feel for you, but I think you probably should have asked him before buying clothes, he may have wanted to choose his own. And maybe expensive holidays aren't really a priority right now? It's a joint decision to spend income on holidays, you can't just assume you can book it without having a discussion first.

Pengggwn · 02/06/2018 09:45

It's a joint decision to spend income on holidays, you can't just assume you can book it without having a discussion first.

She didn't. She mentioned the possibility of booking it. That is a discussion, isn't it?

listenup7 · 02/06/2018 09:48

@Pengggwn she said: " I told him that we should go ahead and book the holiday that he's been talking about"

For the record, I don't think either of them should assume they can spend money on big purchases before asking the other.

Pengggwn · 02/06/2018 09:49

listenup7

That is a discussion.

GabriellaMontez · 02/06/2018 09:54

She didn't actually book it. Just said she thought they should. What's the problem here?

I would be avoiding defending myself too much op. You're not accountable to him for every minute of the day. He doesn't explain to you if he had a long lunch or work jolly.

Why are people analysing the potential nuances of what the op said? There something much bigger being said here.

daisychain01 · 02/06/2018 10:03

We have just returned from a lovely half term holiday and I said to dh that it had given me back the travel bug. I told him that we should go ahead and book the holiday that he's been talking about for ages.

If we returned from one holiday, and my DH came out with this I would feel uneasy about it. Maybe it's the wording OP but to your DH, maybe he felt 'painted into a corner' and you jumped the gun a bit. You hadn't even paid the credit card bill on one holiday and you were already demanding to book another.

Not suggesting that what you do isn't significant, because it is, but your description above may just have hit his hot button.

daisychain01 · 02/06/2018 10:04

The words "I told him" and "we should" are not discussing, or suggesting, they are telling him.... quite a difference.

Pengggwn · 02/06/2018 10:12

daisychain01

Don't be daft. 'We should go to that new Italian.' That is how suggestions are made every day. Stop nitpicking.

daisychain01 · 02/06/2018 10:16

Pengwwgwn. I'm known for my daft-ness Grin it was a thought, but a thought. Better than the stock answer of LTB.

Barbie222 · 02/06/2018 10:18

Yes, but I'd get the hump if I heard that "in front of strangers". Money spending is really best discussed without an audience. I can see how the OPs comment could have ck d across as irritating and vulgar in front of company. He behaved no better mind you, there are serious communication problems both ways here.

I'd be tempted to get a job at the weekend like a pp suggested.

HellenaHandbasket · 02/06/2018 10:44

Book the holiday HE had been talking about.

kikashi · 02/06/2018 11:06

FGS the OP just made a comment about getting the travel bug. Her husband was rude, arrogant and dismissive. He is treating her like an errant employee/housekeeper who is not worthy of HIS remuneration not as his cherished partner. I think the OP spends very little on her self despite being financially comfortable as a family because somewhere deep inside she know he is resentful of the situation and it has been building and that is why she cried.

Tackle him - he is not behaving rationally. I bet if you said you were going to get a job he would start pointing out how it wasn't really best for the DC and not financially viable. If you offer to work so he can stay home he'll probably not want that either. You can't win - he is not cherishing you and treating you with with respect.

Do you feel you have become "housekeeper" (her indoors) and he is "the master/headmaster"? IME I have come across a lot of men who are the main earner who start feeling this way several years after their partner becomes the SAHP. It's not fair - they don't appreciate what you do, don't realise how relentless it is especially with a SN child. He needs counselling if resentment is the issue (or do you think he is yearning for the carefree life?).

Good luck

Andro · 02/06/2018 11:40

You've said yourself you have 3.5 hours per day on the 3 days in the middle of the day spare. That's 10.5 hours to put towards your own business

So OP who already starts working before her husband, finishes after him and in total puts in more hours than him - not to mention the emotional strain of having a child with sn - ought to give up the downtime she has and do an extra 10.5 hours on top?

Given that her husband's home life is managed to the point of all (or nearly all) domestic duties being done by OP, he gets down time when he gets home. Why shouldn't OP get some time herself?

RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 11:48

It's all moot isn't it, because her dh isn't happy with the current arrangement. It doesn't matter how much we all analyse it, they've still got to work something out together if the relationship is to survive.

Pengggwn · 02/06/2018 11:58

RainySeptember

The OP hasn't said she unwilling to make any changes. She has said - quite rightly - her DH's solution doesn't work for her. He needs to make workable suggestions, since he is the one who wants to change things.

harshbuttrue1980 · 02/06/2018 12:16

If I'd just paid for someone to go on a holiday and as soon as they got back they announced they had the "travel bug", I think I'd be directing them towards a job website. Fair enough if he agreed that you could stay at home for a few years, but I think its unfair that you expect him to fund an expensive lifestyle that he perhaps can't afford. If he's the breadwinner, I think its fair enough for him to decide what he can afford.