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AIBU?

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Original poster

Equal financial contribution vs equal contribution

235 replies

Twinkletwinklelittleone · 01/06/2018 10:41

We have just returned from a lovely half term holiday and I said to dh that it had given me back the travel bug. I told him that we should go ahead and book the holiday that he's been talking about for ages. He suddenly changed completely and said 'you won't be booking anything with MY money' in a really aggressive way. I was shocked and burst into tears in front of a room of strangers.

This isn't the first time he has said this over the past couple of weeks. I ordered him some clothes for him for our holiday and he messaged me to say why was I buying clothes for him with his money? For reference, I have bought clothes for him for years.

I am not a spendy person - it is extremely rare I buy anything for myself but I will buy things for the children and house, etc.

I am absolutely devastated at him behaving like this. I have been a SAHM for five years looking after our two children, one of whom has special needs and requires alot of time. I have worked previously but our situation means that we cannot get childcare for our special needs child. I do everything around the house and for the children. When he comes home from work his dinner is made, the house is clean, and his children are happy.

We have been together for 15 years, married for 6. He has never said things like this before. I am devastated and have told him never to speak to me again.

OP posts:
BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 02/06/2018 12:18

The OP clearly doesn't want to make any changes, she's financially secure thanks to him working and doesn't work despite having school aged children.

The DH obviously feels taken for granted and wants a more equal share from his partner. That's fine to ask of her and now they need to talk like adults rather than one sulking because her DH dared expect her to return to some form of work.

If a wife wanted her DH to return to the workplace once their children were school aged and he refused he would be labelled lazy and a cocklodger and she would be told to LTB.

Pengggwn · 02/06/2018 12:19

harshbuttrue1980

I cannot believe I am hearing this. It is not his income, it is their income. The work of bringing up their family and running their home is still work.

FFS.

Pengggwn · 02/06/2018 12:21

BoxsetsAndPopcorn

Utter rubbish. She has explained her contribution and it sounds more than reasonable, unless you think cooking, cleaning, looking after children and bringing in an income is a reasonable expectation of her but not of him. Because that is what her DH seems to want.

Original poster
Twinkletwinklelittleone · 02/06/2018 12:29

I didn't come up with the idea of a holiday, he has been talking about this for over a year.

Today is Saturday - I got up at 6:30am having been up until 12 am with DS trying to get him to sleep. I've done the shopping, cleaned the house and done all the childcare. DH has had a lie in until 9am, made himself a coffee and sat on his phone.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 02/06/2018 12:32

I got up at 6:30am having been up until 12 am with DS trying to get him to sleep. I've done the shopping, cleaned the house and done all the childcare. DH has had a lie in until 9am, made himself a coffee and sat on his phone.

And he thinks this should be the set-up, even if you work three days? Sod that.

Xenia · 02/06/2018 12:39

He doesn't sound a nice person. I would never marry anyone male or female however who would not commit to full time work even once babies came. I earned 10x my full time working other half and that certainly worked well. Go out thtere and earn 10x what he does and book the holidays you l like with your own money!

SandyY2K · 02/06/2018 12:42

People assume the husband is happy with a SAHM/ wife and that's not the case in many situations, even if it's not mentioned.

There's a lot of resentment from men when their wife doesnt work.

I expect a grown man is fully capable of buying his own clothes...just because others do It, doesn't mean it's a great idea.

I wouldn't like my DH buying me clothes...Unless as a gift... and I question whether having used the money I earned it's actually a gift.

SAHM work will always be undervalued... that's why I could never have done it.

He's really not sorry he said it and his follow up comments confirm that. He was out of order to say it like that in public.

School hours jobs do exist. I'm not saying their easy to find... but you need to try.

You say money isn't a problem ... if thats the case, then perhaps he's just fed up of being the only one earning.

Has he been any different recently?

musesky · 02/06/2018 12:42

@Xenia it's not always that easy, a lot of people can't earn lots of money from working unless they had very well paid professional jobs before kids, and paying for childcare may be more than the take home salary!

Not everyone has parents they can rely on for childcare either.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 02/06/2018 12:43

You seem to want it all, him to do more at home whilst working full time whist you don't. Getting up with children and doing the housework surely falls within the remit of being a SAHP doesn't it?

Has he said he won't pull his weight around the house if you return to work? Or have you not actually asked him as it suits you to not work?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/06/2018 12:48

The OP clearly doesn't want to make any changes, she's financially secure thanks to him working and doesn't work despite having school aged children Op has the days when the kids are in school, and one has additional needs so is likely to need additional input. She's not out drinking soy latte's from 9-3 every day

RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 12:53

Pengwwwn

OP's solution was to take over the morning school run and bedtime duties, which her dh rejected because he enjoys those tasks.

Her dh's solution was for her to get a part time job during school hours, which op rejected because she doesn't think such a job exists.

They seem to be at a stalemate, and it seems that they each think the other is wrong. It doesn't matter what any of us think is fair really does it, as long as they keep talking and reach some sort of accord that isn't sweeping it under the carpet and allowing resentment to build.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/06/2018 13:01

Xenia you returned to work so quick because you had a trailing spouse.

If you'd had a baby in hospital for months what would you have done? What if those moths had turned into years? You'd have demanded DH work full time and leave the baby to the nurses? If that child had long term needs that meant they couldn't just slot into childcare you'd have preferred to divorce a partner who agreed to give u work to care for them?
I don't know how young yours were when they went into full time childcare but you're lucky they were able to.
OP has given up work because someone needed to and clearly DH has so little respect for that he's not offering to do it instead

NotTakenUsername · 02/06/2018 13:04

I didn't come up with the idea of a holiday, he has been talking about this for over a year.

I really think this may be the crux of it.

How have you responded each time he has brought up his idea of a this special holiday for over a year?

rookiemere · 02/06/2018 13:14

I think we've started to miss what seems to me to be the point of this thread.

We may not agree with it, but up until a couple of weeks ago OP's DH seemed very happy with the division of responsibilities in the household, now suddenly he's not and is saying nasty things to the OP about "his" money.

Now this could be because they aren't as well off as OP thinks - but she has mentioned a few times that finances are not an issue, it could also be because DCs are now at school and he feels that OP should find a job (which might be tricky due to lack of childcare restrictions).

In either of those circumstances, it would have been helpful if the DH had actually had a conversation with the OP about it rather than just being snippy about it.

The DH is snippy before and during holiday, seems reluctant to commit to next years holiday and is spending a lot of time on his phone. Seems probable that his change of expectations is linked to somebody else.

NotTakenUsername · 02/06/2018 13:25

That is to say, perhaps he doesn’t mind you being a sahm. Or being the ‘sole breadwinner’ Perhaps he doesn’t mind that you spend any amount of money on the house and the children. The £100 on yourself could be £500 or £1000 and he wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

Perhaps his only sticking point is that this one thing he really wanted, and as you have said on numerous occasions, you can afford as a family... perhaps the fact you continually vetoed it as an option only to turn around on a whim when you ‘got the travel bug’ again and agree to pass it... perhaps that stuck in his throat somewhat.

It is also possible your personality has annoyed him a bit on holiday. As you say, you are very committed to the children and have spent less than £100 on yourself this year. That means not much of a social life/adult interaction. Maybe you were a bit too ‘mumsy’ and didn’t bring much to the adult conversation? Maybe you mothered him (if you are buying his clothes this seems very possible).

RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 13:41

That post is a bit cruel NotTaken. There's not much op can do about her personality, and I expect being a bit mumsy is what happens when you are a Mum, especially when one child also has special needs. A decent husband would, I think, love how well she looks after his children? Moreover, given the suspicion of an affair on this thread it is even more unkind to have op question her very personality, presumably the one he's loved throughout their married life.

NotTakenUsername · 02/06/2018 13:45

Meh, it is and it isn’t. I’m not a hun kind of person. I presume the op has come to an anonymous Internet forum for all the possible viewpoints and opinions, not just to have her ego massaged.

I think everything I’ve said is ultimately quite plausible, without any sniff of another woman. Perhaps it’s time for op to put herself first for a while, for the good of her whole family.

corythatwas · 02/06/2018 13:48

Love the posters saying they would never have agreed to be a SAHM. Take it they would never have agreed to have a child with additional needs either.

If you did have the discussion pre-conception where it was agreed that if child was born with additional needs dad would stay at home then I apologise- then fair play to you, this post does not apply to you.

But if you didn't, then you are basically claiming that you made a decision that fate would never hand you a bad hand. And fate didn't, so your decision clearly reflects great credit on you. Not terribly helpful to the OP, who presumably forgot to inform fate about her decision.

GabriellaMontez · 02/06/2018 13:54

What is he doing on his phone?

He was rude and unpleasant. I'm sick of people trying to work out in what way the op is to blame for this.

If he has issues he should raise them like an adult.

PrincessCuntsuelaVaginaHammock · 02/06/2018 13:54

There are a few jobs that can be done term time within school hours without needing any childcare, like lunchtime organiser. It might be possible for OP to get one. They are usually no more than 15 hours a week so she could just squeak under the threshold where Carers Allowance is lost too, assuming NMW.

However, as OP already does more hours than DH, if she is to give up her rest time during the day, in order for it to be equitable she will need to take some at weekend. With a corresponding reduction to his. Nothing he has said or done so far suggests he'd be up for this.

And there is also the point made upthread that why is OP the one who has to be restricted to a small and badly paid subsection of jobs? Especially when it's not her idea and they don't need the money!

Spikeyball · 02/06/2018 13:57

BoxsetsAndPopcorn ( and a few others) the OP is a carer as well as a sahm. Are you so dismissive of the role of paid carers?

RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 13:59

I'm not sure they don't need the money. I know op has said they don't but then she's only spent £100 on herself so far this year. Either her dp is financially abusive, or there isn't that much sloshing around.

PrincessCuntsuelaVaginaHammock · 02/06/2018 14:01

He doesn't sound a nice person. I would never marry anyone male or female however who would not commit to full time work even once babies came. I earned 10x my full time working other half and that certainly worked well. Go out thtere and earn 10x what he does and book the holidays you l like with your own money!

Christ, you can be thick sometimes. THEY CANNOT BOTH WORK FULL TIME BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUITABLE CHILDCARE FOR THEIR CHILD WITH ADDITIONAL NEEDS.

Had you given birth to a child for whom no childcare was available, not affordable but available, your own story would have looked very different. One of you or your ex would have had to reduce your working hours. As this didn't happen, your life story is not applicable here.

HollowTalk · 02/06/2018 14:02

I think you need to stop saying that he "puts the children to bed." They are already in bed when he goes to them. He merely sits there.

It's the same with taking the children to school. If he just gets himself ready and you run around getting everything for the children and strap them in, so he simply drives to their school and is admired by everyone for being such a great dad, then I would put a stop to him saying he does it. He's driving anyway, to work. Merely stopping the car for five minutes is not much of a contribution.

HollowTalk · 02/06/2018 14:03

And I'm really sorry, but I think this change in attitude often comes with a new friend, who tries to cause a division in a marriage.