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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD2 wants to have DD1s car

534 replies

Unsurehere · 31/05/2018 22:09

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

OP posts:
Madratlady · 31/05/2018 22:10

It was a gift. It belongs to her. Of course it shoulder taken off her and given to someone else.

TheShapeOfEwe · 31/05/2018 22:11

Seems a bit tough on DD2 - it's not her fault your situation has changed and DD1 got the benefit of the car for years. I would gently be encouraging DD1 to be a bit more sisterly and generous.

TheShapeOfEwe · 31/05/2018 22:12

(Not saying she has to give it away, but DD2 could get it in term time or something?)

Sirzy · 31/05/2018 22:12

She isn’t entitled to the car, however I can see why she is pissed off at the inequality of it!

MikeUniformMike · 31/05/2018 22:14

Do you ever say to DD2 "Why can't you be more like your sister?"?

BlueJava · 31/05/2018 22:14

It shouldn't be taken off DD1 - it was given to her. I'd sit down and explain to DD2 that unfortunately as she knows your circumstances have changed. You know it's not fair, but unfortunately life isn't. You would like to do more but can't and she can accept your genourous offer of £500 with good grace and no complaints or get nothing.

Fucksgiven · 31/05/2018 22:15

I think you need to treat dd2 the same as dd1. If you can't afford the same for her as her sister maybe cash in the expensive car and get them both something for about £1.750. And if you paid dd1 insurance then load it so you can afford it for dd2

Bigpizzalover · 31/05/2018 22:17

I think DD2 is acting spoilt - you are still offering to purchase her a car. When I turned 17 my parents bought me my first car, money wasn’t great so I got a £300 run a round.... when my younger brother turned 17, 6 years later my parents were better off, and he got a nicer car than I did (parents did tell me/ask me? Before buying it) I didn’t demand money of the difference or anything, I understood circumstances change. Yes I admit I was a bit jealous he got the better end of the deal, but I still got a car it’s not like I got nothing.

HappyKatieA · 31/05/2018 22:17

I think the situation is very unfair on DD2. I think it should be you and ex discussing how to give her an equal gift.
It shouldn't be up to DD1 to give up her gift.

Greendayz · 31/05/2018 22:18

Is their dad still around? Any chance he could be pressured to help pay for a car for DD2?

If not I don't think you can take the car off DD1 - neither morally nor legally. But you could talk to her and see if she has any suggestions to the problem.

Original poster
Unsurehere · 31/05/2018 22:18

Also sorry I sound unkind to DD2 in this post. She’s made a major fuss about the car this evening, and I was angry when I wrote the post!

I’m already contributing towards insurance, lessons and offering to buy her a cheap car. This is more than most kids get and I’m trying my best to ensure she has a car and can drive. I’m even taking out a loan to help with this as it’s important to me. However I can’t stretch another £4000 to make it entirely fair.

OP posts:
NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 31/05/2018 22:18

There is no reasonable way that DD1's car can now be handed down to DD2 - it belongs to her! - but bloody hell, it's all a bit rough on DD2. Not sure there's much you can do beyond empathise with her on that point though.

MikeUniformMike · 31/05/2018 22:20

It is more than most kids get and it's unfortunate that your circumstances have changed.

Original poster
Unsurehere · 31/05/2018 22:20

It’s a hard situation- if DD1 was younger I’d do it but the fact is she is 20, moving out soon and relies on the car a lot. She’s an adult so I can’t take away the car she’s had for three years.

OP posts:
CluedoAddict · 31/05/2018 22:20

I agree with the poster above sell the car and but two cheaper cars. It is very unfair on Dd2 otherwise.

BigPinkBall · 31/05/2018 22:21

It’s an awful situation to be in, do you think your financial situation will improve and you’ll be able to give her the same in a couple of years? if not I’d be asking dd1 if she’d consider, when she’s finished uni, giving dd2 £2,500 to even things up, she doesn’t have to and it’s not a great solution, but she has benefited from the car and if it was me I’d be happy to do that for a sibling.

lborgia · 31/05/2018 22:21

Tough. My family circumstances changed significantly in a few years, and my sibling had a great time at uni with books cleared every term, mortgage in their name with substantial contributions til he was more than 30... it still pisses me off but there it is. In the end I've made/ saved far more and am relieved I was not beholden to the parents for so long.

Anyway, back to the OP. You've acknowledged the problem, offered to actually do far more for her in terms of impact on you, and she is being petulant.

Can she ask her dad to throw some money at her?

Whatever happens, this is not her sister's fault and she should not be involved.

MiggeldyHiggins · 31/05/2018 22:22

No she's wrong but it is unfair and you acknowledging that instead of calling her names might help.
You'd be a bit pissed too if your sister got a 5000 quid car, all the insurance and lessons included, and you were offered a 500 quid car, some insurance and no lessons, wouldn't you? And then to be called spoilt on top of that..I might be a bit unreasonable as well.

Original poster
Unsurehere · 31/05/2018 22:22

If they were say 17/18 and both lived at home they’d happily share. But 150 miles apart will make this hard.

OP posts:
Byebyebye · 31/05/2018 22:22

I think you should sell the car and get two reasonable cars.

It’s very unfair to get your first DD a flashy car then say to your second sorry here’s a shit car nothing I can do.

TroubledLichen · 31/05/2018 22:22

It was a gift to DD1 for her birthday and since then she’s paid all the associated costs out of her own pocket. The car belongs to her, end of. Presumably it’s in her name so if you took it off her to give to her sister then you’d actually be stealing it?!

It is understandable that DD2 is upset at the inequality but unfortunately that’s how life goes sometimes. Your financial situation has changed since DD1 was gifted her car, DD2 knows this and she should be grateful you’re offering a £500 car and most of the insurance. She’s being bratty not to be more appreciative especially given it’s probably a lot harder for you to find that money now.

Slipp3rs · 31/05/2018 22:23

Wow - I’m shocked and can see exactly why DD2 is annoyed. She’s probably really hurt and feels like you favour DD1

Yes your financial situation has changed but you should treat your children equally.

Hygge · 31/05/2018 22:23

You can't take her car away from her.

It was a gift, and no, it's not fair that you can't afford the same now, but that's how life works out sometimes.

You are giving what you can afford. At the time you could afford £5,000, but now you can only afford £500. You are still giving as much as you can afford to give.

Your DD2 is going to have to learn that sometimes life doesn't go to plan and circumstances change, but she can't demand someone else have a gift taken away just because she wants it now.

AlfredDaButtler · 31/05/2018 22:24

Any reason she can’t go complaining to her dad?

teaandtoast · 31/05/2018 22:25

It was a birthday gift. Why is dd2 even thinking about wanting it?
I'm sure she must have had plenty of expensive gifts when you were better off.

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