DD2 wants to have DD1s car

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A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

When you say DD1 has saved £4K to allow her to take the car with her to uni, what do you mean?

Is she buying the car off you?

IMO I think what you've done is pretty horrid. If you had 5k to spend on a car for your DD you should of got her a car for 2.5k and saved the rest for DD2's car. However I don't believe DD2 should have DD1's car. I think you've messed up and DD2 is feeling it.

I dont think dd2 is spoilt or selfish. Her sister was given a lovely car and full insurance and because it was a decent car it's lasted. Now she's the same age and she's not getting anything like it.

You should never have purchased it without having the money for dd2 to have the same when the time came.

I feel for he, it's horrible to be treated differently from a sibling.

Good opportunity for a life lesson in the unfairness of the world, work ethic, the importance of money and cutting your cloth to fit and gratitude here. I think you would be mad to try and take the car away from DD1. Agree with other posters that Dad could probably step up and help out though. You're still being very generous and hopefully your DD2 will realise that.

Major x post, to those on dd2s side, she is getting a car. If there was no car, that's one thing, but why does she need a more expensive car? It's obviously about "it's not fair", or prestige in front of her friends. If having a better car is important, she could wait and save some extra.... but again presumably the divorce had not left the ex taking out loans to pay for things for the kids, so it might be pertinent to know where he is in this?

Any chance you could help her finance a better car. My dh has a Seat Me 3 year old car on finance, only £80 deposit and £80 a month. If you got her something like that you could offer to go halves on the payments? If you buy a £500 car you will have garage bills galore.

That's really tough on both girls and I don't think this is entirely about the car, however it's bound to be a hugely aggravating factor for DD2.

The car will signify a lot for her, not only is it the value but it is obviously also additional time in the family unit, financial stability of her parents, investment from her dad.

Her life as she knows it has been blown apart and she's grieving. Grief regularly manifests itself in a variety of ways - in this instance it's a car.

In short, no it isn't fair she won't have the same opportunity and ideally they could have a car of equal value but a car of £500 is still a huge gift, for which she should be grateful.

If DD1 pays the insurance/MOT etc then it's her car and she can do with it as she pleases, you state bills and upkeep so I assume this is what it encompasses. If you pay for the above, sell it and split the cost down the middle.

Yes it was a gift, but as you say, things have changed.

I think it's unfair of you to imply DD2 should have saved for a car when her sister was gifted one of ten times the proposed value of hers at this age.

You need to sit DD2 down and talk to her about this and listen to her opinion, this really resonated with me as our home life changed significantly when my sister and I were similar ages to your girls. My sister had been gifted better things and I was expected to lump it without complaint because 'things are hard'.

At the end of the day it was a close to nearer £8/9k gift, including insurance, lesson and purchase etc? As mentioned previously, can you sell it and split the cost, have your ex contribute or have DD1 pay some money back towards the car and make it equal.

DD1 seems to be getting off scott free whilst you are footing the expense and DD2 is having to get on with what she deems as inequality.

DD2 has never said she wants a £5k car of her own or her sister must give it up, she simply wants to share it as fairly as possible.

Yes your financial situation has changed but you should treat your children equally.

So the kids have to go through a parental break up and a significant change in financial situation. DD2 is still getting driving lessons, insurance and a car. Just not as expensive a car. And people are really suggesting DD1 has to have the car that she was given in different circumstances, presumably that the OP couldn’t predict changing, and has looked after for 4 years taken off her?

Your DD2 can’t demand anything! Especially a car that belongs to someone else.
You can’t just take the car back off DD1 because her sister has stamped her feet.

I can understand why she feels hard done by, but If she’s old enough to drive then she’s old enough to understand that situations change. And that if she were in a position to buy her a nicer car then you would, but unfortunately you’re not, so you can’t.

You need to sit her down and explain this to her. No, it’s not really fair, but unfortunately life isn’t always fair. She’s still getting a car, that’s more than most teenagers get she should be grateful.

Tell dd2 to grow up and realise life isn't fair and your situation has changed. You are doing your best to help her, that is more than enough.

By the way I got zero help with driving lessons or car or insurance. I didn't buy my first car until I was 21 because I couldn't afford it, my mum thankfully did drop me to work when she could. I rode my bicycle 4 miles home and several times a week to work as well.

She might not want to get the bus to college but it's a normal thing to have to do and a good life lesson that things don't just get handed to you on a plate.

You can’t take dd1 car and sell it, it doesn’t belong to you.
I would just tell dd2 that she needs to except the car you have offered in good grace, and if she want a better car then she needs to contribute towards it.
My parents gave me an old banger when I passed my test and my younger sister got a better one when she did as they had more money then. I bought my own newer car after that, and my parents never contributed at all.

But the car belongs to DD1! Its not yours to dispose of, So you can't give it to DD2, sell it, or insist they share it.
Given your altered financial circumstances, I think you have made a generous offer to DD2, at least you are getting her a runaround.
Is your ex willing/ able to contribute?

I think DD1 should keep her car. It’s a shitter for DD2 but not your fault. She’s being a bit bratty but I probably would have too at that age. Good luck x

There's only value in the car now because dd1 has looked after it, both with money and effort. She could have written it off or even sold it, as it was her property.
Her car is nothing to do with her sister.

The situation is unfortunate, but not of dd1's making and you're offering dd2 the best you can do.

a good life lesson that things don't just get handed to you on a plate

But they do to your sister! Great life lesson.

Her dad is involved but not overly. He gives me £300 a month for DD2, but also thinks this entitles him to continue gaining equity in our shared house past the date he moved out and I continued paying the mortgage alone, as an example of his financial contributions.

He sees the girls once or twice a month, had some substantial savings but has since spent them on holidays, etc... and not the girls. He did give them each £500 a few months back which was great DD2 has spent this on various things from Amazon judging by the small, light packets of what can only be described as ‘tat’ arriving on our doorstep. This is what I mean by DD2 is incapable of saving. Last week she spent £30 on a wand. I mean literally a wooden stick.

I’ve tried setting up savings accounts for her but she’s old enough to have a debit card and I can’t force her to save money. The £500 went directly to her.

It was a gift at the end of the day - you cant take a gift back regardless if it was fair / unfair advantage... The situation is shit but you can't ask for a birthday present back

OP I understand

I have 2 DD with a similar age gap, however in our case the car was bought before either of 5hem turned 17 and DD1 who is older than yours failed her test 3 times and gave up trying when she went to uni.

DD2 passed quickly first time and now considers the car hers, she doesn’t do sharing and is always hard done by and in your situation I would never hear the last if it.

Because our DD1 didn’t use the car it didn’t get gifted. In your situation the car is DD1’s and DD2 needs to accept this

It’s a shit situation for all of you.

Where’s their other parent in all this? They should be contributing to the car for DD2. If you were very well off a few years ago, are there savings you could borrow from? A car is a pretty sensible purchase it’s not like frittering savings away on clothes and stuff.

You can’t take DD1’s car off her! It was a gift!

But it’s very unfair for DD2 to not get the same treatment her sister got.

Yes, objectively she’s lucky to be getting what you’re offering... but she’s not looking at the other 17 year olds who didn’t get lessons and a car, she’s looking at her sister who got it handed to her.

I don't think you can take the car off of dd1, as it's hers. However it's not fair or reasonable for dd1 to get 5k worth of car and dd2 to get just £500 worth of car. What is your current plan to even this up? A £500 car for now, and then an extra 4.5k saved for her second car (that dd1 doesn't also get?) Because a £5k car will last dd1 many years with few repairs, whereas a £500 banger will likely cost a bomb in repairs, and need replacing in a year or two. You need to find a way to even this up.

IMO I think what you've done is pretty horrid. If you had 5k to spend on a car for
your DD you should of got her a car for
2.5k and saved the rest for DD2's car.

Dumbest post of the thread goes to........

Horrid? Should have got her a cheaper car and saved the rest for DD2?

Funnily enough I’m sure the OP didn’t envisage her marriage failing and becoming skint! She’s trying to do the best she can and DD2 is still getting a car!

We’ve never done price matching with our dc as we work on the theory that it all equals out eventually . It is your elder dds car and the younger one needs to just accept that you are doing your best . If my dc behaved that ungratefully they’d be getting nothing .

the Car belongs to your Daughter .. it's HER car.. it's not your car to take back OP... is the car in your Daughters name ? I certainly can't see her agreeing to giving her own pride and joy back?

what a bizarre thing to even contemplate...

Sorry, cross posted with your post about their dad

You need to find a way to even this up.

Like how? Getting in to debt so that a 17 year old can have a flash car rather than a run about that will do that job just fine?

It’s not fair, no. But hey, guess what? Life isn’t fair all the time!