DD2 wants to have DD1s car

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A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

I suppose it’s all worth pointing out that DD2 probably has had more spent on her than her sister, she went on residential trips when DD1 didn’t, her dad always bought her new iPads and Laptops when she broke them, she had many more paid activities than DD1. She had a very fortunate childhood, with lots of things many kids never get to experience. So if you added it up on paper, DD2 has had more spent on her than DD1. However I’d never point this out as this would feel like tit for tat and won’t make DD2 feel better.

I’m going to try and get DD2 more involved in car hunting, etc... I want her to be excited at this new freedom she’ll have, not brooding over what she could have had.

Alternatively she can wait a bit longer for her car, say till August, as over summer I’ll be around to give her lifts and drive her places. This will allow me to save a bit more so maybe in August I can contribute more to a ‘nicer’ car

I’m with the PPs who’ve said you’ve made this mess OP. It was remiss of you not to ensure you had the cash saved to buy an equivalent gift for DD2 when the time came - all the posters talking about life lessons, circumstances changing etc., well that applies to you too I’m afraid.

This is the kind of thing that can fester into decades worth of resentment and jealousy between siblings. You have to sort it out somehow.
I do think the fairest solution would be to sell DD1s car, add the £500 and get them both something decent for £2k.

I was the dd2 in a similar situation, I just had to roll with it as the money simply wasn’t there any longer. Difference was I was more sad because my mum was sad as she felt she’d let me down (she hadn’t).
Sounds like your dd2 just doesn’t get it, in which case there’s not a lot you can do. Tell her to ask her dad directly, then some of the injustice she’s feeling about the whole thing will rightfully be directed at him.

This is a grossly unfair situation. How unkind to think poorly of your second daughter for not saving up when your first daughter was never put in the position where she had to. Unless you have a 5k car to gift to her, however, it's tough shit, but do NOT try to make this about her and her perceived deficiencies. It really is fucking unfair.

I’m with the PPs who’ve said you’ve made this mess OP. It was remiss of you not to ensure you had the cash saved to buy an equivalent gift for DD2 when the time came - all the posters talking about life lessons, circumstances changing etc., well that applies to you too I’m afraid.

Oh fuck off. Like the OP could have predicted her marriage breaking down when they both chose the DD1’s car.

DD2 is still getting lessons, insurance (how much will that cost, I wonder?) and a car of a value appropriate to the current financial situation.

You are not treating your DC equally . I am afraid, regardless of your income now or your DD2 attitude YABU , it simply is not fair , no matter how you try to dress it up. Quite what you can do about it is another matter. I think if you could show that you understand how unfair it is for DD2 then she may feel less hard done by.

I was in the same position as your dd2 in my family. It never once crossed my mind that I should be given my older siblings car! That is not a reasonable expectation. Yes it sucks not getting the same deal as your older sibling did at the same age but that's life. It's not like anyone has set out to treat them differently. It's just the way things have worked out. Life isn't fair, she needs to learn that and get over it.

Gosh, that sounds like a difficult situation. I can see why you are upset but also why she is frustrated.

My parents got more well off after I had grown up - they can afford to give my sister much more than they could me. I used to feel resentful because she worked less hard, was more difficult in lots of ways (but also less highly strung - I was more obstinate but what I wanted usually coincided with what my parents wanted so it didn’t cause too many rows), but got an allowance through her a levels when mine stopped after my GCSEs, and got a car bought for her. They are talking about giving her a house deposit when I got some second hand furniture. I have to try to step back and not be resentful but it is hard to, even though jealousy isn’t pretty. I hope I never show it though.

YOU CANNOT SELL A TWENTY YEAR OLD WOMAN'S CAR BECAUSE YOU FAILED TO PLAN FOR HER SISTER

FFS PEOPLE, YOU CANNOT SIMPLE REPOSSESS A CAR BECAUSE YOU DON'T THINK THAT GROWN WOMAN SHOULD HAVE IT ANY MORE.

You cannot make this situation fair. Just stop asking her to be happy about it.

I disagree that it’s not “rough” on dd1, she’s getting a car, lessons and some of the insurance paid for her, she’s old enough to understand that circumstances change.

It’s a very good fact of life teaching lesson, in a number of ways.

Don’t feel bd OP, your doing the best you can do.

Dd2 is being spoilt. It’s dd1’s car, and dd1shoukd keep,it. Dd1sounds like she has been responsible in paying for it and looking after it.

Dd2is still,getting a car, lessons, insurance paid etc (more than our DS has got).

If his name is still on the deeds then yes he still is entitled to the shared equity, isn't he?

That aside, of course DD1 should keep her car!

1. The car was a gift, it's not yours to take back
2. You couldn't have seen this coming, there was no reason to plan for it.
3. Please don't get into more debt than you can manage. A £500 car will get her from a to b perfectly well.

I’m really not seeing how things are unfair.

Both girls are being gifted:

• Driving lessons
• Insurance
• A car

Dd2 needs to grow up a bit.
It’s dd1’s car. Simple as that.

There is SUCH a split on this thread, it's amazing to read!

Three years ago when we got the car we were very wealthy, to be blunt. Splitting the 5k didn’t even cross our minds as we had many more k’s sat around in the bank. However now the only £xxxxx is in debt

I’ve spoken to DD1 who has said she will sell the car, but she is reluctant and has also made a fair point that in this time she’s spent £2000 on the car, including rewiring, new lights, new, good value tyres and getting one part replaced due to scratches. If DD hadn’t spent £2000 of her own money, the car would only be worth about £2000

I hadn’t realised DD had spent so much on the car (not including tax, MOT, etc...) hence if I sell it for £3500 and give her £1750 that seems very unfair.

Will also mention however that part of this £2000 DD1 spent was due to an accident she had in the car, scratching it and then getting replacement parts, etc... as she wasn’t happy having a scratched up car

It’s dd1’s car. You don’t have the right to sell it. She’s an adult and it doesn’t belong to you.

She also sounds like she needs it for more than dd2. Let dd2 get the bus. It doesn’t sound like she has a great attitude to money, so she needs to learn the value of it.

Also note I haven’t said I expect DD1 to sell car, I’ve asked her thoughts as she’s an adult and wanted her opinion

It's not your decision to sell the car or take it off dd1. It belongs to DD1. I understand that it is unfair, but DD2 should not be making you feel guilty about it. you can't help it. I think the only thing you can do is to make sure dd2 is the next one in line for any financial help before anything else is given to dd1.

It's DD1's car. Her property. You can't take it off her.

What car do you have OP? If its similar to dd1s in value, could you pass that on to Dd2 and buy yourself a £500 banger? Or if it's worth significantly more, sell it and buy 2 cars, a £5k one for Dd2 and the rest of the funds on whatever you can afford for yourself?

’m really not seeing how things are unfair

really? You're not trying hard.

Both girls are being gifted:- Driving lesson Insurance A car

One gets a car worth ten times more than the other, one gets all insurance the other gets something towards it, and who knows about the lessons.

If you can't see how thats unfair I really don't know how you think. Put it in monetary terms: one gets 6000 pounds for her birthday, one gets 600 pounds. Can you see how that is unfair?

YABU and it comes across very strongly that you favour DD1.

The only fair solution I see here is that both of your daughters share the car. You paid for it initially, yes your DD1 pays for the upkeep but the huge disparity in gifts is unbelievable. You paid £5k for the car, plus insurance (£1k?) and driving lessons and test (£600?) so over £6,500k at a guess and you think it's ok to give your younger daughter £500?

£500 is very generous but when you were splashing out spoiling DD1 you should have been putting money aside, an equal amount, for your other child.

The car should be shared by both and at home for DD2 to use as her birthday present IMO, even then she isn't getting a fair deal but it's better than what you're proposing!