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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD2 wants to have DD1s car

534 replies

Unsurehere · 31/05/2018 22:09

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 02/06/2018 23:44

Fucks sake, I actually can't believe that some people are suggesting that you take an adult woman's car away from her. It's her car, not yours or anyone else's.

Circumstances sometimes change, that's life. A very similar think happened to me (I was the younger sister) but, knowing that financial circumstances were different I was just happy that I had a car at all. Sometimes we just have to suck it up.

Children 'demanding' shit really gets on my tits.

19lottie82 · 02/06/2018 23:47

Glad things seem to be working out OP. You sound like a good mum!

snewname · 02/06/2018 23:54

I think you should also point out that she's had more spent on her in the past. It's not tit for tat. It's the truth and she needs to realise she's lost out this time with the car but she's gained in other ways. Basically you are doing the very best you can for both of them. Just right now, it's difficult.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/06/2018 00:06

Great outcome!

BastianBalthazarBux · 03/06/2018 00:17

and you agree with them from your own point of view.. as you stated
I stated that in her shoes I would feel the same, because in that situation I would be reacting emotionally rather than thinking things through logically. It doesn’t mean that objectively speaking I can’t see the impossibility of the situation from the OPs point of view. I was simply trying to emphasise that how DD2 has reacted to the situation with the car needs to be considered against the background of everything else that’s happened, not just as a spoilt brat making a fuss about nothing.

BastianBalthazarBux · 03/06/2018 00:21

Missed loads of posts due to my impossibly slow typing Grin Glad it’s all been sorted OP Flowers

Amatullah · 03/06/2018 00:22

Aww im so happy to hear that. Could you also press for their dad to coff up something. Its awful how youre having to take all this extra pessure and burden!

Gemini69 · 03/06/2018 00:23

BastianBalthazarBux

Yes you reacted emotionally... and thankfully OP has resolved this without reacting and forcing her DD1 into selling HER car... Grin

categed · 03/06/2018 00:35

Well done op. I think your girls should be proud to have a mum who does so much for them. Also a wonderful lesson in life and finances for both girls. Have a peaceful summer.

Lacucuracha · 03/06/2018 01:15

Great result. Although I'm bemused at parents working extra hours to get their DC a car. We had to pay for everything (lessons, car, insurance, petrol) ourselves. Once we got Saturday jobs at age 16, we didn't get any financial help. And it seemed perfectly fine and normal.

KTheGrey · 03/06/2018 02:32

A Good Example of Responsible Parenting 😀

So glad you've talked it out and both DDs are being supportive of one another. Love a happy ending.

Imchlibob · 03/06/2018 05:08

That sounds like a good result - particularly emphasising that the £500 now is worth a huge amount more effort than the £5000 was when you were wealthy.

It would be foolish to sell DD1's car to buy two cheaper cars anyway. Cars depreciate in value massively with a curve that gets much steeper at that sort of price bracket and trading in a nicer car for two less-nice cars would mean deliberately moving to a steeper part of the depreciation curve - effectively throwing money away.

Cheap runarounds never last long - dd2 will need to start saving immediately for the next car (hopefully a bit of an upgrade) or for the inevitable many hundreds that it will cost to keep such a cheap car on the road.

FaithEverPresent · 03/06/2018 07:14

Well done OP, you’ve handled it really well. I would suggest that anything DD2 can contribute towards it will get her an even better car. I know I had to learn at that age that money wasn’t bottomless and anything I’d paid for or contributed to myself had far more value. So glad you’ve found the compromise.

Should1stayorshould1go · 03/06/2018 08:15

Excellent OP, so glad you have sorted it, and that your daughters are willing to share and compromise and support each other. And you are phenomenal in working to make all of this happen.

I am sure difficult for DD2 not to have what she expected, but by treating her as an adult and having that conversation you've given her really good tools to handle disappointment. Its not wrong to feel or express upset about the difference, but it would be really sad if carrying that on poisoned relationships between her, you or DD1.
I think the ideas of taking DD1s car or putting yourself into debt to match the gift are madness, the difference between the gifts isn't lack of love or care, its simply circumstance, and she must clearly see you are doing your best.

MissCharleyP · 03/06/2018 08:23

Glad it’s sorted, must have been difficult for you OP.

PrimalLass plenty of unis don’t allow cars - at Cambridge you can’t have one, that’s why they all have bikes! And many while not ‘banning’ them don’t provide parking.

HellenaHandbasket · 03/06/2018 08:51

Nicely done OP.

HushabyeMountainGoat · 03/06/2018 09:02

Good resolution! Fair and equal are not the same things.

JustDanceAddict · 03/06/2018 09:11

You can’t take dd1’s car off her, it’s her car. But then I feel bad for dd2 who will have an old banger by comparison. Can you say to her that unfortunately we can’t afford a £5000 car, but if things improve in a couple of years/she saves/ you will help her buy a better model?
Your dd1 is v fortunate - would she let dd2 be insured on hers once she passes and she could occasionally drive it as a compromise?

JustDanceAddict · 03/06/2018 09:13

See you resolved it. Well done!

Teacher22 · 03/06/2018 09:44

This is an interesting post and it has certainly sorted out the sheep from the goats as there are two main responses:-

Firstly, 'life's not fair and why can't the second daughter have exactly what the first had?' (Even though life has changed for the poor mother and she clearly cannot afford a new car for £5000).

Secondly, 'it is hard on the second daughter but circumstances have changed, the mother is doing her best to alleviate the unfairness and the father should also be involved'. (In other words, reality and maturity kick in).

It is interesting because the different viewpoints, the idealistic and realistic, reflect a very basic split in the mindset of the general public about nearly all political and financial issues and form the basis of voting for most people.

The conundrum posted also refelcts very typical eldest child/youngest child mindsets.

Fascinating.

Teacher22 · 03/06/2018 09:44

Reflects not relfects. Sorry. No edit button.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/06/2018 10:10

Well done OP! That sounds like a great solution all round. I’m glad you had a frank and adult discussion with DD2 about your financial position and that has allowed her to appreciate your position. I also think it is kind of DD 1 to allow her sister to drive her car as a temporary solution before you get DD2 a car.

CauliflowerBalti · 03/06/2018 10:15

The scenario is like a modern day Little Women. Fascinating.

Well done for arriving at a solution that everyone is happy with. Boss-level parenting.

WilburIsSomePig · 03/06/2018 10:19

It is interesting because the different viewpoints, the idealistic and realistic, reflect a very basic split in the mindset of the general public about nearly all political and financial issues and form the basis of voting for most people.

Hadn't thought of that at all Teacher but you're absolutely spot on.

Squirrelinatree · 03/06/2018 10:23

at 16 she should be old enough to understand that life isnt always fair. Circumstances have changed- that's life unfortunately. Yes it's disappointing, but she still has a mum who is doing the best she can and providing more than most I know