DD2 wants to have DD1s car

[Unsurehere]

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

Sell the house. Give your Ex the money he deserves, buy DD2 a new car. EVERYONE is happy ...

Then perhaps explain to dd2 that she HAS had more money spent on her, and DO lay it out on paper. yes, it's tit for tat, teenagers often are tit for tat, but at the root of that is the feeling that because your parents have given you less, it means you are worth less to them. So make it clear that you didn't give her less. If anything it will vindicate dd1's possession of the more expensive care because she looked after her things and cost less to bring up.

And stop pressuring her sister into selling the car she has carefully looked after for years and giving her careless little sister half tyhe proceeds, it's mean.

I am amazed at the fact that DD2 would even consider shafting her sister in order to benefit herself. Is she a nice person, would you say OP? Does she consider others at all?

I am not surprised at the usual suspects on MN who agree with with DD2, and who cannot bear that anyone has good fortune or a decent break and who think that the best remedy is to take it away from them.

Wow I can't believe all the people who are saying situations change, life's hard, it's shit sometimes.
That poor girl has probably grown up in her sisters shadow. OP didn't you plan for things changing?
As a child who grew up knowing her Mum preferred her siblings, I hope the OP knows the damage she will do. £5000 to £500 isn't a small difference, I think it's pretty awful to be honest.

I am stunned at those suggesting you go into debt to buy your DD2 a car equal in value to DD1.
Don't go into debt to buy your child a car when she doesn't need one.
If DD2 feels life is unfair on the car front, encourage off to Dad's so she can explain that to him. Does he have money?
You need to very nicely explain to DD2 that you don't have the money and cannot get into debt to provide her with a car.
If she complains ask her what she expects you to do? BUT don't do it.
You could start a car fund, put your 500 in and see if DD2 wants to put her money in until she can buy a car she wants.
You cannot take the car from DD1
I think given the fuss DD2 is making, you should ask her to consider the value of all the extra things she got when your were together
Or explain that she lived a priviledged life before and doesn't now- its either 500 car or bus pass.

How come with a ruined credit rating you can take out a loan but not car finance?

It would be unfair to take away DD1 car but as she was willing to sell the car when you spoke about couldn't she just give you half of what the car the car is worth? There's just no point buying a £500 car it will be constantly breaking down and require so much fixing that it would soon exceed in repairs what you paid for it. Your ex needs to find at least a grand to put towards DD2 car too, I'm sure he's got the money otherwise he wouldn't be able to give them £500 each but it's completely unfair it's being all left to you to scrape some money together when she's his daughter too.

Treating your children equally does not mean treating them the same.

Its a shit situation for your dd2 however that is how it is now. You do not have the money to spend 5K on a car she needs to learn that is how it is. This has nothing to do with DD1 and her car . As it is you are giving her a car so actually they are both getting the same just not to the same value. If she has an issue with this suggest she speaks with her father and asks how much he will contribute to this.

If she is not willing to have that conversation then she needs to accept what she CAN have..

- DD2 didn’t get 7k worth of car stuff but ballet, dance, swimming, etc... residential trips to New York twice at £1300 a go for dancing, school trip to Paris, dancing equipment, computers, etc... which DD1 never had easily amounts 7k and more.
DD1 never had this stuff as she wasn’t interested.

But presumably if she had wanted it she would have got it, and still got the car.

I think as adults it's very easy for us to state what we deem to be fair and not fair.

This is not fair, not for any one of you. Everything has changed and this is probably one of the first materialistic examples of how your lives are so much different to how they used to be. That's hard for a proper adult to get their head around; let alone a teenager.

OP, your updates have given a lot more information and my heart truly goes out to you all.

This sounds like an extremely difficult time for you as a family and what is unfair is that you are having to bear the burden for an absent father whilst trying to maintain your daughters' lifestyle - they should be extremely proud of you.

Sit them both down and talk it out like adults, listen and most importantly VALIDATE how she feels, how they both feel.

You can't fix this but at least let her remember that you tried.

I would get DD1's car valued, you may be surprised at the result and even though you think it may not help I would outline everything DD2 has had which DD1 hasn't. It may help more than you think.

You do sound like you like dd1 more than dd2.

It's a shit situation and I'm not sure what the answer is but you aren't really trying to make it right. You just keep making excuses.

My dsis gets a lot more from my DP and I don't mind. But clearly your dd2 does so you need to make it right.

Yeah Orange you have really stuck it to the OP there!!

Wow, I can't believe you put this on your DD1s shoulders, this was a gift to her years ago and you should not have gone to her guilt tripping her to sell her birthday present. You could go to their father and you as parents make arrangements for DD2s car together so she gets a better car then the £500 one. Most importantly leave your DD1 out of this! Not her problem and not for you to make it her problem. If you and your x can pool together some money for a car to make up some of the difference then that should be good enough. The price tag isn't everything and you have your heart in the right place for most of this, but I can not say this enough, this is not your DD1s problem! Leave her out of it.

It's life! My big sister got my mums old car when she was at Uni - she needed it for placement year. I didn't get anything but my situation was v different - that's just life.

I know circumstances change, but I wouldn’t dream of spending £5000 on one child without ensuring there was the same amount waiting in an untouchable account for the other one. Actually I wouldn’t dream of spending £5000 on a first runaround in the first place, no one needs such a nice first car.

who cannot bear that anyone has good fortune or a decent break

No.

This is not a neighbour who won the lottery

This is her biological sistr who was given a PLANNED GIFT by their parents. A gift she will not receive. It's not fair, stop trying to make it sound fair.

There is nothing that can be done about it - it's certainly neither dd1's fault nor is it her problem, but that doesn't make it fair.

If dd2 can spend £500 on rubbish,,how is she going to manage the expense of a car,I would sit her down and explain this,see if she can actually save some money towards it,getting the bus won’t kill her ,she just doesn’t want too.

DD2 needs to get a job and sort her own car, or her DF needs to contribute. Don't see why you'd get a new car for your first anyway - mine was dinged and scratched because I was shit at parking!

You cannot take DD1’s car away what the fuck is wrong with some posters!!!

DD2 is being an entitled spoiled brat and I would tell her you get what you’re given or nothing, how dare she be so demanding of a gift? She can see exactly how your situation has changed and how the hell does she get to the idea that she gets to take her sister’s belongings?

A car is a car when you’re 17, mine came from the scrap yard next door and I was bloody grateful!

Well....
My step-sister got the car that was bought for me in the divorce and got lessons and insurance. I got nothing. Both my older brother and step-brother got cars, lessons and insurance but as my step-mum took every penny my dad had he didn't have the funds to help me. Of course I was annoyed (and still annoyed i missed out) BUT when his funds were better 4 years later he spent £3k on a car for me (which was less than the others, plus no insurance or lessons as i had already passed) but i was eternally grateful. Plus, i paid my own way for it all and bought some crappy £600 car and it meant the world to me. No one else had their cars taken off them and I agree with that. But yeah, still am annoyed slightly, but more at ex-step-mum then dad, he tried. Circumstances change and you've done your best, be proud. You can always upgrade her car when money improves.

@StaplesCorner I'm not suggesting the OP should get into debt I'm just questioning how genuine these reasons are. If someone claims their credit rating is utterly destroyed and they can't get finance for a car (implying they would otherwise), and in the next breath talks about taking out a private loan- that seems incongruous to me. I may be wrong I don't know how these things work.

Sorry I haven't read the thread but...

Personally, I think you shouldn't ever actually GIVE your child a car (for all the reasons this has now brought up!) unless you are able to provide the same for child no2. Given that situations do change, you should really have put aside the same amount of money for DD2 at the time you bought the first car (just my opinion)

Here we are now. Different days. I think you should take the car back. Sell it for the £3500 you can get for it, and split the difference. Both children have a vehicle.

I personally drive a £500 banger so would think that something for £1750 was somewhat luxurious!

To anyone who doubts I am nice to DD2- the whole point of venting here is that this way DD2 won’t pick up on my feelings. I now feel calmer and can talk with DD2 without coming across as a horrid mother.

I don’t expect DD2 to be happy, but I wish she’d show some kind of inclination that I am trying. All she sees is the fact she’s not getting a £5000 car, not that I’m taking out a loan when we have not much money, not that I’ve cut down on all small luxuries I had to pay for her driving lessons, etc... I’m not expecting her to think I’m amazing, but even a small ‘thanks’ would be appreciated.

Her father got us into this finanicial mess and I’ve spent the last year trying to sort it out and make things better. I’m happy I can even offer DD2 a cheaper car as a year ago I wouldn’t have even had a penny to pay towards driving lessons

I know it’s not fair, but I’m working my arse off to try and give DD2 similar opportunities and I haven’t even had a thanks. Not even when paying for 10 driving lessons up front. I gave her the cash to give to her instructor and she just stalked off

Both my DD’s have faults. DD1 is very generous, but can be blunt and rude sometimes. DD2 is very sunny and happy, a pleasure to be around, but can be very selfish and gets moody if she feels mistreated. Sadly at the moment DD2 is causing me issues and I’d be lying if I said her behaviour wasn’t getting to me

Dd1 should keep the car. It was a gift, she’s been responsible and saved so she can continue to run it and has invested in it.

Dd2 sounds entitled. I think you SHOULD point out to her that she’s already had an equivalent amount of money spent on her. Fair doesn’t mean one gets everything she wants + what the other one gets too.

You’re being more than generous with your offer given your current financial situation - and more generous than most parents are (able to be). It sounds like your daughter needs to learn about budgeting and how to manage her money. Long term you’ll be doing her a favour by making sure she learns the lesson now.

How come with a ruined credit rating you can take out a loan but not car finance?

How come you can't read the OP's posts? A private loan from a friend.