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Original poster

DD2 wants to have DD1s car

534 replies

Unsurehere · 31/05/2018 22:09

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

OP posts:
CluedoAddict · 31/05/2018 22:47

What on earth has she spent £2000 on? My car is very old and I have never spent anything like that.

Tippexy · 31/05/2018 22:47

I can't believe you're making her sell HER CAR!!!!!!!

Honeyroar · 31/05/2018 22:47

You could get a perfectly good car for £1000-1500, not as posh as her sisters but something she can get around in. My 10 yr old Focus does my 500 mile commute every week without any issues or big bills. It's a bummer that circumstances changed, but that's life, it was hardly down to bad planning!

MiggeldyHiggins · 31/05/2018 22:47

I can't believe you're making her sell HER CAR!!!!!!!

she's not Hmm

PolkaHots · 31/05/2018 22:48

It’s like this thread is full of petulant teenagers Shock there is no way you can take DD1 car off her, it isn’t yours to take! She has saved a shedload of money to be able to take it away with her, and saving should be rewarded.

It’s like people haven’t read the thread.

DD2 is being spoilt.

Byebyebye · 31/05/2018 22:48

I’m sure a £500 won’t have a scratch on it...

Microwavey · 31/05/2018 22:49

I think it's unfortunate but it is dd1's car, presumably registered in her name so you couldn't take it back and sell it without her being on board with that plan even if you wanted to.

I think you should proceed as planned, but uy ensure that Dd2 gets equivalent financial help over the coming years (eg if dd2 gets in first with a request for help to buy a house, the answer is no unless Dd2 has already had that help... Dd1 cannot continue to get financial benefit just by virtue of being born first and then Dd2 gets much much less). Tell her how you wish it could be more now. Perhaps you could save up over the next 5-10 years so you can give Dd2 the difference towards a house deposit in years to come. Just make sure this current situation doesn't set a precedent for Dd1 getting more in the long term.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 31/05/2018 22:49

If I was DD1 and you decided to sell my car, I'd want enough money to get something of equivalent worth. If the car has been looked after as you say then it would probably actually cost you more!

I think you do need to tell DD2 that she has had more spent on her. I'm the middle of three and the youngest has always had a cushy number compared to me and the eldest one. If she told me to give up my car for her... Well. I'd definitely have to tell her about herself at least.

AllMYSmellySocks · 31/05/2018 22:50

I do feel sorry for DD2 perhaps she's pushing back and playing the role of the spoilt younger sister because she's aware that that's how she's perceived. Even if you were previously well off £5k is a lot to spend on a car for a 17 year old.
I think you speak quite harshly about DD2 - and seem to compare her in a negative light to her sister. She's had a job since she was 16 and hasn't saved? That's quite normal for a 16 year old - her sister is much older than her and got an expensive car given to her for free when she was 17! Was DD2 even working when she was 16?

I think the car is a bit of a red herring you can't afford a similar car for DD2 and you can't take away DD1's car but I would let DD1 know, without being defensive, that you realise it's unfair and in the future you'll try to redress the balance if you're financially able.

In general I'd try to see less of the negative in DD2. If you think she's a spoilt brat and less worthy than DD1 she'll probably continue to act up to that role. It's totally normal for one child (the elder in particular) to be the sensible one and for their younger sibling to have to find their own role - don't let DD2's role be the spoilt little sister.

Moleskinediary · 31/05/2018 22:50

Can you get DD2 a car on credit with her Dad paying some? That way it won't be as much upfront? You can get some very low cost car credit.

Fifthtimelucky · 31/05/2018 22:50

I don't think it is right to put moral pressure on the older daughter to sell her car., especially as she has spent money on it herself. I'd give the younger one a cheaper car, along with an IOU for some money towards a more expensive one when you can afford it.

She may have a couple of small parking type prangs in her first year or so of driving, and she might as well damage a cheap car and then have a better one in a couple of years, by which time she will be a better driver.

PolkaHots · 31/05/2018 22:50

If I were your DD1 and you guilt tripped me into sharing my car with my sister (who by the sound of the broken laptops doesn’t look after her stuff) you would t be seeing a lot of me after I’d left home.

Skyechasemarshalontheway · 31/05/2018 22:51

I was your dd2 in this situation.

My dsis got lessons paid for, a car and insurance paid for years.

My dps split so when i reached 17 there was no money for that.

I would not of expected to be given my dsisters car nor expect her to sell it.

There is 5 years between me and dsis.

Life can be unfair at times and dd2 is learning that but that is not your dd1s fault nor yours as it was not planned to be this way. She should be thankful for what she is getting.

Witchend · 31/05/2018 22:51

Can I ask: Are you the oldest child in your family?

Just that I've come across a number of times where a parent feels that the oldest gets the best deal and the younger has to lump what comes to them-and the parent has always been the oldest (or the oldest girl/boy occasionally).

Thing is as a second child however you do it you do end up feeling at times you get the left overs. They get the new bike-you get it too, but it isn't new then. The school is chosen with them-you go to the same without any discussion. That sort of thing.
It happens with my dd2 at times even though I'm very aware of it because it doesn't make sense to buy another new bike when you've a perfectly good one the right size, and two school pick ups don't make sense.

I think trying to make her excited about buying a car that is 10% what you paid for her dsis is likely to backfire. She's not going to be, and pretending "oh isn't it wonderful" is going to rub it in.

I don't think you can, without discussion just announce you're taking dd1's car, although I can see that in a lot of ways that's fairer.

I'd reckon there's a good chance a £500 car won't last long enough to go to uni with her too. It's going to hurt her badly if you just treat her as being demanding.

I'd sit her down and be sympathetic. Admit it's not fair, apologise.

It isn't fair, and she isn't being a spoilt brat to feel this way.
Say that if you could you would buy the same.

Discuss how you can make it up. Maybe that's with a promise you'll buy her a better car after uni, or something else that she wants to do/have. Write her an IOU note or something.

If you try to pretend that she's got a good deal out of it you are basically telling her that she's not worth it.

BlackberryandNettle · 31/05/2018 22:51

If the car is in your eldest daughter's name then there's nothing you can do really. However if it's in your name, I'd sell it and split the money between them.

Murane · 31/05/2018 22:51

You can't take DD1's car off her. It was a gift and presumably is registered in her name. However you aren't treating your DC equally and I can see why DD2 is annoyed. Can you buy her a £500 car and give her an IOU for the remaining £4.5k so at least in the long term they will both be made equal?

HunterHearstHelmsley · 31/05/2018 22:51

I can't believe that PPs think DD2 should get the equivalent amount spent as DD1 when the OP has clearly stated DD2 has had more spent on her in the long run.

winterwonderly · 31/05/2018 22:51

Your DD isn't that fussed about what car she might actually get, it's the fact that she feels it's unfair that you've spent more on the other DD and in her head she feels this is linked to how much you love them both.

It's a tricky one, I think all you can do is to help her buy whatever car you can afford (I'm pretty sure at that age she'll just be glad to have a car!) and explain to her that you hope to help her in other ways in the future if you can e.g. giving her some money towards a house deposit if you can.

I can see now why my parents were so careful to always help us out equally, although I realise it's not always possible.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/05/2018 22:52

It's not just the fact that it is a car it was also a birthday present. Obviously you can't take a birthday present back but its perfectly understandable that if DD1 gets £5000 spent on her for a birthday present and DD2 gets £500 she is going to be upset. Yes circumstances have changed but I bet most people at that age would be pissed off in the same situation.

AlfredDaButtler · 31/05/2018 22:52

Can you see how that is unfair?

In the scheme of going from wealthy two parent household to one parent having to foot the whole mortgage, no. Not really. Equality of opportunity, within the financial means. The OP could lose her job tomorrow. Would she still be expected to magic up lessons?

PolkaHots · 31/05/2018 22:52

I can’t believe people are suggesting you get yourself into debt to buy a teenager a flicking car!

AlfredDaButtler · 31/05/2018 22:53

And if she is so bothered about the cash value, then absolutely point out the money spent on iPads etc that her sister didn’t have.

Money brings out horrible shades in people.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 31/05/2018 22:53

Look into buying a car at auction. If you can get on the mailing list for the government/police ones, there are some superb bargains to be had.

DD was very lucky wrt cars. My dad's aunt died and dad and his sister thought that her car, which hadn't even been used much, would "do" for DD and be cheap to insure. It's not the best car in the world, but it cost her nothing and it is hers.

She needs to replace it now (long story) and Dad is determined to pick one up for her at an auction. He loves that sort of thing and has seen quite decent cars going for a few hundred pounds.

colditz · 31/05/2018 22:53

How is lessons, insurance and a five grand car somehow less than insurance, lessons and a £500 car?

WHERE has dd2 had more spend on her?

RedBlu · 31/05/2018 22:54

Similar thing happened to me - sort of.

My grandparents paid for all my brothers driving lessons, insurance and gave him a £5k car. I was always promised it was "my turn next" despite the fact I was older than my brother....

My turn never materialised it - my parents didn't have the money to do anything for me so I never got anything.

Ten years later, it still pisses me off.

I can see why she feels like it isn't fair, because it isn't. Not sure what you can do about it though.