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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD2 wants to have DD1s car

534 replies

Unsurehere · 31/05/2018 22:09

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 31/05/2018 22:54

While it seems unfair on your younger DD it wasn’t her sister who caused the change in circumstances.

DD2 could ask her father to contribute to the cost of a car, as already suggested.

Miscella · 31/05/2018 22:54

All this talk of fair - life isn’t bloody fair. If it were, then op would be in a position to give dd2 the same as she gave dd1 three years ago.

It’s shitty but that’s life; dd2 is old enough to understand that the financial situation has changed.

Unfair would be if op had the means but chose not to give dd2 the same 17th birthday present as she gave dd1. You can’t give what you don’t have.

Homemenu1 · 31/05/2018 22:55

You cannot make this situation fair. Just stop asking her to be happy about

This exactly,

talk to her, tell her how you feel, show her that you value her, speak nicely about her and she might respsond in a different way.

VanessaShanessaJenkins · 31/05/2018 22:55

This is seriously shit. There isn't much you can do to rectify it either. You can't take DD1's car back but you'd also be a fool for getting into debt to give DD2 the same as you did DD1. That said, of you don't, you could seriously fuck up DD2's relationship with both yourself and her sister.

I think I'd possibly have a very honest conversation with DD1 and explain that because you want to be fair you want to give her £x but that you can't right now. That you will try to help her out in the future say for a second car, or buying furniture for her first home.

Lunde · 31/05/2018 22:56

Are you in a position to take out a car loan to get DD2 a better car - even if not £5K?

Dramlass · 31/05/2018 22:57

I think your younger daughter needs to have a word with herself, she's old enough to understand that circumstances have changed and be grateful of your help now. My parents couldn't help me to get a car, of course I got the bus to college.

Moleskinediary · 31/05/2018 22:57

That you will try to help her out in the future say for a second car, or buying furniture for her first home.

But the OP may never have £5000 to give her. Don't make promises that you cant keep.

OrangeAztec · 31/05/2018 22:57

It would be very foolish to buy a £500 car, it's likely to cost a fortune in repairs and upkeep. You're likely buying her a money pit and it's not likely to be roadworthy for very long at all.

Gemini69 · 31/05/2018 22:57

I feel so sad and sorry for your DD1... you have made her feel utterly SHIT for accepting a gift you and her Father GAVE to her for her Birthday years ago....

your DD2 will also get a wee run around... her reaction to this gift is not your DD1's problem..

your DD2 obviously believes that of she screams loudly enough you WILL buy her a £5K car... and it sounds like that's exactly what you will do... if that's the case.. then she NEEDS to wait... Flowers

Cuckooclocks · 31/05/2018 22:58

Hmm unfair as it is that they don’t get identical cars, circumstances have changed. I would explain one more time that you would dearly love to get her the same car but you just can’t. The offer of a £500 car is still there but each episode of whining and foot stamping will shave £50 off the budget. Sis keeps her car as she needs it if she’s going to a rural uni.

LapdanceShoeshine · 31/05/2018 22:59

Fair and equal are not the same. I'm stunned how many people are saying it's not FAIIIIIR. No it isn't, but it's just how things are for the OP's family.

In our household, with 4 kids, we were way better off financially when DC4 started driving than when the others did - I imagine in many families the same applies. We were able to be more generous to him than we were to the others & they accepted that.

If you were still in the same situation now as when DD1 got her car then DD2 would get the same, but you're not, & so she can't. DD2 not wanting to get the bus is not a good reason to force DD1 to give up her car.

DD2 needs to pull herself together.

Good luck, OP Flowers

Gitfeatures · 31/05/2018 22:59

She can't even look after a laptop or ipad, do you really think she'd be any different with a car?

So if you added it up on paper, DD2 has had more spent on her than DD1. However I’d never point this out as this would feel like tit for tat and won’t make DD2 feel better.

It's not about making her feel better - it's clear a 5k car is the only option in her eyes - it's about pointing out the very real fact that you have not been unfair in monetary terms. When you had money, she got more. The only reason that she has nothing to show for it is because they were replacements for the items she never valued in the first place.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 31/05/2018 22:59

Remind dd2 she has something dd1 hasn't got.
And older sister!! Grin

Moleskinediary · 31/05/2018 23:00

It would be very foolish to buy a £500 car, it's likely to cost a fortune in repairs and upkeep. You're likely buying her a money pit and it's not likely to be roadworthy for very long at all.

I agree. At the same time DD1s car is unlikely to sell for as much as you think, where did you get the valuation from? Unusual for a car to retain so much value.

thecatsthecats · 31/05/2018 23:00

Does your younger daughter maybe pick up the screaming "I think you're a brat who doesn't do things as right as your perfect sister" vibes that come off so strongly, OP?

Sometimes bratty behaviour is an immature way to demand attention and affection that they aren't receiving. If you're this obvious on an internet forum, how painfully obvious must you be in real life? And that's nothing to do with the car and all to do with how you talk about each daughter.

OrangeAztec · 31/05/2018 23:00

What's coming across strongly is OP's disdain for DD2 compared to her attitude towards DD1. I think there's more going on here, it seems like OP is looking for reassurance that it's OK to treat DD2 so differently as she thinks she's "spoilt' which is interesting when her older sister seems much more spoilt on paper.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/05/2018 23:02

I don't know why people are saying the younger daughter should get over it. It isn't so much about the car flashy or not, eldest daughter got £5000 spent on her for a birthday present, Youngest is getting £500 thats 10x less. I bet none of you at the age of 17 would be happy if your older sibling had 10x more spent on them for a birthday present than you.

Mississippilessly · 31/05/2018 23:03

I'm a bit confused about the replies you are getting 2bh.
When DH was old enough to our learn to drive his mum and his stepdad had no money. I think he might have been bought a couple of lessons but that's it. 14 years later they are now affluent (I know because they tell me every time we bloody see them - but that's a different thread). His younger brother who has just turned 17 will get the car and lessons and insurance paid for. Yes it's unfair. But life changes. What is his mum supposed to do?
OP your daughter is still getting a car - you are making it as fair as possible.

PrimalLass · 31/05/2018 23:03

WHERE has dd2 had more spend on her?

In one of the OP's posts.

magoria · 31/05/2018 23:04

You don't talk very nicely about DD2. I wonder if your attitude towards her comes across.

She has worked since she was 16 and is also going to college. That doesn't sound like a spoilt demanding person. So what if she didn't save for a car? She saw you give DD1 one plus everything else to go with it so despite knowing things had changed assumed she would get the same. She was 16 with her first job, of course she is going to spend it. Did she save you money on things she brought with her income?

You cannot take DD1's present off of her or allow her to sell it. She is a grown woman, she has done most of the work repairing the car, it is hers and she is going to need it.

You can't do the same and that is a fact. At least sound a bit nicer to your DD2 when you tell her this.

PrimalLass · 31/05/2018 23:05

I bet none of you at the age of 17 would be happy if your older sibling had 10x more spent on them for a birthday present than you.

So as the older sibling, should I be annoyed that my much younger brothers had a private education and I didn't because my parents were richer then? They should clearly pay me the difference Grin

MiggeldyHiggins · 31/05/2018 23:05

You cannot make this situation fair. Just stop asking her to be happy about

exactly this. Its not fair. You can't make it fair. She's going to have to get over it. But expecting her to just say oh no problem is whats especially unfair here.

Original poster
Unsurehere · 31/05/2018 23:06

To sum up all my posts:

  • we didn’t put money aside for DD2 as our financial ruin was very fast, very sudden and very shocking. Any money we did have in savings would have been spent trying to make our debts manageable, deposit on a new house. It was even harder when I split with their father. I’m talking about going from very wealthy to not at all, complete financial ruin. My credit rating is destroyed so a car on finance isn’t an option.
  • DD1 had a deep scratch all down the side of the car. She spent a large amount of money getting these parts replaced entirely as she had the money and didn’t want to lose value in the car. The lights went and she had to purchase specific lights. She has electric issues. The car is an Alfa Romeo and it did require some upkeep last year but is now at a point where it will keep going for the next few years. The money spent means the car is now at a good point of repair.
  • I’m not making DD1 sell the car. Simply asked her thoughts. It’s in her name, I can’t make her do anything. She’s moving out soon and is an adult.
  • I’ve already taken out a private loan to help DD2 with a friend. It’s as much as I can manage but will get her on the road and a car! My best offer is that I can save more, help DD with transport over summer and then spend more on a car in August/September. Still not 5k but more
  • DD2 didn’t get 7k worth of car stuff but ballet, dance, swimming, etc... residential trips to New York twice at £1300 a go for dancing, school trip to Paris, dancing equipment, computers, etc... which DD1 never had easily amounts 7k and more.
DD1 never had this stuff as she wasn’t interested.

Finally, it pains me to read back how much we spent on DD2 and DD1 with the car, but to anyone who insists we should have saved, our debts were on such a scale that even substantial savings were wiped out.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/05/2018 23:07

In our household, with 4 kids, we were way better off financially when DC4 started driving than when the others did - I imagine in many families the same applies. We were able to be more generous to him than we were to the others & they accepted that.

So did you buy him birthday present that cost 10x more than you got for his siblings?

Maelstrop · 31/05/2018 23:07

Who is the registered owner? I think it’s appalling that you’ve even raised this with dd1: why the fuck should she give up her car when she really needs it as she’s off to a rural uni and dd2 can get the bloody bus? I’m so angry reading this. Are you really considering taking back a GIFT?