I'm not coping

[sirlee66]

I gave birth 5 weeks ago and I love him, I really do but I can't do this anymore

Its just so hard. He's a lovely baby but Im just such a utter failure. The birth was... well it happened... But the stay in hospital was horrendous. We got readmitted a day after discharge because he has low blood sugar due to me not producing enough any milk for him. He was on formula top ups because I failed him.

I feel like a prisoner. I can't go out because he's constantly feeding. I want to feel normal again. I want to feel like me again. I do love him but I worry constantly about him. I can't stop thoughts like what if I fall down the stairs holding him. What if he stops breathing. He's too hot. He's too cold. He's being sick too much. Formula is poisoning him. I've not sterlised his bottle properly. What if he crys too much, gets too hot and dies. When if a car runs into him. What if the cat smothers him... Its constant. There's no break. I picture a million ways he could die every minute and it makes me wish... I can't say it. But before I had him, I didn't have this constant worry and it was easier.

We tried for years for a baby and now it's finally here I'm wishing it away. I'm waiting for this phase to pass and to start enjoying it but I hate it. Its awful. I shouldn't be his mum. He's just so wonderful, I don't deserve him. We hardly leave the bedroom. He's missing out on the world because of me.

Somes days are better than others. Today is not a good day. I don't really want to be here anymore.

It will be better, I promise.

The first few weeks are very hard but it will change.

Oh sirlee love, I am so so sorry you feel like this.
Unfortunately I'm not a Mum , we couldn't have children, so I can't advise really.The thing that strikes me do you think it could be PND.
You sound so overwhelmed.
Take care

I would strongly recommend you discuss this with your provider. What you're describing is a level of anxiety beyond normal and beyond the normal period for "baby blues". It's quite possible you could have PND or postnatal anxiety. Your provider will be able to determine if this is the case and the next steps that you need to take.

You have just put into words exactly what most first time, new mums, feel for the first few weeks. You are not shit and you are not failing him.
Make sure you get some time to yourself to breathe and relax- a nice hot bath or a coffee and chapter of a book.
I promise it will get better just hang tight and keep doing your best

Please speak to your GP/HV/someone you trust, OP. You might have PND, and deserve some help.

You are not a bad mum. Having your first can be sucks a massive upheaval. I struggled hugely with it. I now have 3 and life is so very different to those first few weeks and months with my first.

Your baby is not missing out on the world because of you. At 5 weeks, you are his world! All the groups etc are for the parents at that age, not the babies.

I really hope you feel better soon

Definitely talk to your midwife or health visitor. I had the exact same thoughts as you. The constant worry about elaborate or unlikely scenarios that might harm DS. I have just started a course of CBT for post natal anxiety and wish I hadn't waited so long.

*such a massive upheaval!

Hugs to you. So many hugs to you. You are a good mum because you care and you really wanted this. If you read your post again, you may well recognise what is going on here and you need to talk to your doctor. You are a good mum. Some of us just struggle a bit with the balance of chemicals, anxiety and emotions of the post-natal period. So many people have this and you are not alone. It's only 5 weeks and so much of that time will be spent at home, so don't worry. It can be hard to adjust to - not everyone is out and about like the baby just 'popped out' and everything is perfect. You have no expectations to meet other than meeting the basic needs of your baby - you're doing a great job but might need to talk to your doctor about anxiety. Lack of sleep can also play a big role.
You are being a good mum, you just need some confidence and a bit of help to recognise it X

Aaaah me too, with a five week old, and not enjoying it.

But it's my second, with a school-aged child, so I don't have time for the constant worry - I only have time to recognise that it's miserable.

Objectively I can tell that I'm coping because the house is reasonably tidy if you ignore the volcanoes of laundry, and the baby and the big one are both alive and well-fed, but I don't feel like myself and I don't feel like this is what I'm meant to be doing.

I'm older this time and the five years seems to have made a big difference - just feel a bit too settled in my ways to adapt and start all over again. But needs must!

Getting out every day for the school run does really help (the mighty adrenaline rush of being late every single morning) so try and go for a short walk. I found a little walk to the shop on Monday really lifted my mood.

It's early days and you're doing well. It sounds utterly normal. Don't despair - it's not you, it's just the way it is, and won't stay like this for very long at all.

It will get better and you both will give each other unconditional love and happiness for years to come, talking is good for the soul so talk whenever and wherever you can

Definitely discuss it with your doctor or health visitor. Having a first baby is a huge life change and even without PND can be all consuming and overwhelming. This will absolutely get better - whether you need help to feel better is the only question.

Oh my lovely. You could have been me 15 years ago. My birth was fine but I couldn't BF. He wouldn't nap. He screamed if I put him down. Ever. I was bloody exhausted. Loved him but completely overwhelmed.
You should be his mum. But you have severe and overwhelming anxiety. You need to seek treatment. I get it. With DC2 I could hardly leave the house. Winter so worried about infection and what if I slipped and the pram went in front of a car. Irrational by controlled my life.
Seek help. You deserve to feel better.

Have a read on here OP. This will honestly pass.

www.ocduk.org/prenatal-postnatal-ocd

Everything will settle.

I also had the ‘thousand ways they might die terribly’ thing. I didn’t trust myself holding him whilst I walked down the stairs, let alone DP. In fact I don’t think I allowed DP to walk down the stairs with either of them, it was too stressful!!

Sending u love and support, I got very like this after the birth of my little one, sounds very like post natal anxiety, so so tough when ur life has been dramatically changed and your trying to cope with the baby and all the hormonal and physical changes in ur body. Please try to speak openly to a dr. I went on medication around 6/7 weeks after the birth (feeding was a disaster for us and he was on formula by this point), I had to take medication before I got pregnant too so I was able to accept it easier, but it did help take the edge of it, really try to see what help u can get, u are ur wee ones world, u need to look after u for them too. Hoping u get some relief and help. X

It does get better, I think you should make contact with your GP or health visitor and tell them how you feel. It does sound like post natal depression and there are ways you can be helped.

I felt very much the same as you (I wasn't allowed to leave the hospital due to DD having low blood sugar). It is so very hard, especially on such little sleep. Do you have family close by who can come and visit/give you a little break or just go out for a walk with you and the baby?

I know it's easier said then done but try not to be so hard on yourself and seriously seek some help. it doesn't make you a bad mum, it makes you a good mum because you want what is best for your baby which includes putting yourself first every once in a while.

You're being very hard on yourself.

You haven't failed him in the slightest. It's really difficult to get out and about in the early days, I still struggle sometimes a year later! Your baby isn't missing out on anything at all at this age. Stay cuddled up in bed if that is what works for you.

The anxiety that comes with babies can be totally overwhelming. I had the same thoughts as you. I love my DD so much I almost wished I didn't have her for fear that something bad would happen to her and I couldn't even bare the thought of it. Then I felt even worse for thinking that. I would walk down the stairs and I would get images in my mind of falling and my DD getting seriously injured, when in the car I would imagine a severe car accident. I was constantly terrified.

It does get better in time. Do you have much of a support system? Don't be afraid to ask for help. Have you spoken to your health visitor how you feel?

So normal and yet so not talked about. Such early days, it will get better but do talk to your doctor.

These first few weeks can be utterly miserable, 6 weeks was a bit of a turning point for me but it took much longer to actually enjoy my baby.

It's really tough, lack of sleep is hellish.

OP please speak to your health visitors or GP, feeling like this is so common and they will know how to help. Things will get better and one day you will feel like your old self again. But please speak to someone urgently. None of this is your fault. You can't control things like when your milk comes in (mine took 3 days first time). Formula is not poison, the vast vast majority of people use it...but you probably know this deep down. Well done writing all this down here, i hope its made you feel a bit better and hope you will take the advice to speak to someone. Will be thinking about you

1. You are his world. He's fed and loved anf safe. You have in no way failed him.
2. It's normal to find it hard and terrifying at first. It's normal to feel anxious. Tbh, it's normal to kind of hate the newborn stage, especially with the first baby, as for many of us it's hideously overwhelming and scary and exhausting and just not fun.
3. It's not normal to feel as bad as you're describing. I think you sound like you may have PPD. I think you should get help. Telling us is a fantastic start.
4. It 100% definitely can and will get better. I have two kids. I enjoy them most of the time. Like, it's still hard, but it's good. You'll get there. But there is no amount of money you could pay me to do the first two months of my first baby's life again. It was just so grim.

The first few months are the hardest but it does get easier, remember that. You're doing a fab job we've all felt like that some more so than others. Please speak to your GP or someone you feel you can trust just to let something out if anything. It will do you the world of good you're not alone!

Bless you, this stage is so hard. I had exactly the same thought process, it gets so much better.
I spoke to my health visitor about it which was really helpful (but so hard to initiate!)

You are a great mother, you clearly love your baby so much! Be kind to yourself, you're doing all the right things.

SleepFreeZone absolutely the same here. I used to walk downstairs very slowly and leaning on the wall or on my bottom to keep me steady because I was terrified of falling with a baby in my arms. I was also terrified that I would somehow drive off the road and crash with them in the car because I didn't trust that I could keep DC safe in the first few weeks.
None of it ever happened. In hindsight, I was a great mum, as we all are.
It was a mix of anxiety, living in a new area (loneliness) and extreme tiredness.

Sweetheart you ARE NOT a failure!!!!
I've been in your shoes.
My advice? Stop breastfeeding. It's making you unhappy. It's not necessary to grow and nurture your baby. What's important is that he is taking in calories. It actually doesn't matter where they come from. Trust me the relief you will feel when you break that chain is immense. Please do it, for your own sanity. It will give you so much freedom, you will be able to enjoy him.
Stop what you are doing and send out for bottles and formula.

And see your gp ASAP so you can get some anxiety meds. Xx