I'm not coping

[sirlee66]

I gave birth 5 weeks ago and I love him, I really do but I can't do this anymore

Its just so hard. He's a lovely baby but Im just such a utter failure. The birth was... well it happened... But the stay in hospital was horrendous. We got readmitted a day after discharge because he has low blood sugar due to me not producing enough any milk for him. He was on formula top ups because I failed him.

I feel like a prisoner. I can't go out because he's constantly feeding. I want to feel normal again. I want to feel like me again. I do love him but I worry constantly about him. I can't stop thoughts like what if I fall down the stairs holding him. What if he stops breathing. He's too hot. He's too cold. He's being sick too much. Formula is poisoning him. I've not sterlised his bottle properly. What if he crys too much, gets too hot and dies. When if a car runs into him. What if the cat smothers him... Its constant. There's no break. I picture a million ways he could die every minute and it makes me wish... I can't say it. But before I had him, I didn't have this constant worry and it was easier.

We tried for years for a baby and now it's finally here I'm wishing it away. I'm waiting for this phase to pass and to start enjoying it but I hate it. Its awful. I shouldn't be his mum. He's just so wonderful, I don't deserve him. We hardly leave the bedroom. He's missing out on the world because of me.

Somes days are better than others. Today is not a good day. I don't really want to be here anymore.

Oh lovey!
This is exactly how I felt.
It sounds very much like you have PND. Please talk to your GP, I can't stress how important this is!

I was suicidal at 4-6 weeks after he was born... but I absolutely promise you that it does and will get better! I promise!!!
Just talk. Talking saves lives.

Be gentle to yourself, you are NOT failing.

I’m so glad your hv has referred you for cbt. I had several sessions to help me get over a traumatic birth and it helped me so much. I really hope it does for you too. Well done for being so proactive and getting help. Hope you feel better soon and there is a whole forum of people here if you need to talk

I've just caught up with your posts- it's Sertraline yes, I've been on that. It does take a couple of weeks to work so stick with it.
I'm glad you've got some support!

My DS is 3.5 now but I felt like I've completely screwed my life up when he was a baby. It's such a shock to the system with how much every little thing changes isn't it.
If anything happened to me DS now it would kill me, he is my entire life!

I'm so glad for you. As others have said this is so common and just doesn't get spoken about. I have a long mental health history so was looked after by a special MH team until a month after birth then by a perinatal team for a year after that, but I withheld/didn't recognise a lot of my symptoms as they were nothing like what is previously experienced so still ended up at A&E after 12 months of hell (at one point I was convinced the North Koreans were following us and were going to come and cut my baby's limbs off...). It is very good that you're getting intervention quickly and please keep talking to services - you are not alone xxxx

Just another voice saying those feelings of exhaustion and anxiety are certainly something I remember. It's an insane time - absolutely no let up and everyone's expecting you to be all glowy and loving when you're sleep deprived and trapped and in pain and have to still constantly meet the needs of the baby, 24 hours a day. Intrusive thoughts about the worst things that could happen are very normal too - but bloody horrible. I'm glad you're getting help. Talk about it, accept the treatments you think will work for you. I found it passed as things settled but it was a very dark time so please don't think you're alone.

So glad u spoke to ur gp, after the initial period where the medication is settling into ur system, u should start to feel better. Just like any other illness that u would have to take medication for - it's a strength to take it not anything to feel negative about. Hope u can be kind to yourself and get the support u need. Sending a big hug

OP, I'm currently also taking sertraline. It's the safest option whilst still breastfeeding. I felt the effects for about 2-3 weeks which included headaches, decreased appetite and a little dizziness; also a little bit of insomnia. However I'm almost 4 weeks in and it's so worth it, I feel much more levelled out with my moods and find it much easier to cope. Hope all goes well with the medication for you and fantastic that you reached out to your HV and GP so quickly, you've been very brave and you've done the best thing for your baby.

Formula isn't poison. Your feeding him, that's the main thing. Not producing milk doesn't make you less of a parent. No one will care when your sons older if he was breast fed or formula fed.

Speak to your gp. Your levels of anxiety sound high. If you don't want to speak to a gp, your health visitor will be able to help.

It does get better :) my ds was awful as a baby. Very clingy and had numerous allergies so cried non stop. He's now 20 months old and happy as anything. he's currently ramming toy cars at my freshly painted walls, but he seems quite happy

OP, I sympathise completely. I'm also 5 weeks in and feeling just as terrified and hopeless. Breastfeeding has been a real struggle for me too - DD2s latch is bad and she's shallow feeding which means she feeds ALL DAY LONG. I've taken advice from lactation consultants on how to fix it but it's not making any difference. We've started supplementing with two bottles a day which has given me some respite and might for you too if you wanted to make that a permanent feature? There's nothing wrong with taking the pressure off if you need to. Or switching to formula feeding completely if that's better. Please, please, please don't beat yourself up about it. The important thing is that baby is fed, not how they are fed.

Ask if the doctor can refer you to the perinatal mental health team. They have been brilliant for me. It sounds like your doctor is on board but see how you go with sertraline and go back if it doesn't agree with you.

Hugs and a hand hold. This WILL pass. I know because I had the same with DD1 (now 3.5). As PPs have said, just get through each day and it will start to get better soon.

This sounds exactly like me when I had pnd. Literally you are describing my feelings down to a t. Please please please get some professional help. I didn’t know I had pnd for several months after my first son was born and to this day I regret not getting the help I needed sooner.

I’ve just come across your post. I could have written this myself when my baby was 5 weeks old. I felt completely as you describe. The first few weeks are absolutely brutal and your hormones will be surging. I promise you it does pass. My LG is now 6 months and I would say from about 3 months I started to come out of this tunnel of darkness and finally the light poured in!!! Your baby will become a lot more sterdier and so all those negative “what ifs” will become less and less. For now ... you need to pull upon any help that’s offered to you. Please try and get out ... even if it’s for a little walk. It will help!!! Enjoy the cuddles as this time will pass in the blink of an eye xx

Hi, I have a six week old and while I'm more settled now, I was not prepared for the emotional upheaval of having my first child!! It is constant worry and anxiety and insecurity, it's overwhelming but I just need you to know you aren't alone, not at all! Just two weeks ago, I had a thread up where I was upset and thinking my baby didn't like me. This is why things like Mumsnet are so good because you get to see that you aren't on your own. I haven't been out much or anything but I'm hoping to find and make some mum friends some place or the other. Xx

Lots of for you OP. You'll get there xx

What everyone else said 🖒
Reading your OP I felt like you'd jumped into my head and written exactly how I felt when my last baby was born. He's just turned six months old and it feels like a distant memory now. It's not wonderful every day of course, that's just life, but that horrible feeling of dread and regret is long gone.

I promise you it gets so much better.

I wanted to cry reading this as I could have written it myself! I was exactly the same as you when I had my first son 4 years ago, I felt permanently terrified and wished I could go back to my life before!! I went on citalopram which I think is the same as what you've been prescribed, I had CBT counselling and life was so much better, I was so happy and so glad I made the decision that I did! It is so incredibly hard having a newborn and when everyone says 'oh enjoy this phase it's the easiest' errrrm not at all!! I now have 3 children; 4 years old, 2.5 and 3 months. I am in a bit of a fog now having a 3 month old as I just find this stage really difficult, but a lot easier than the first time round!!

You're doing an amazing job despite not feeling like you are and it will get easier xxx

Well you are pretty damn amazing to have been so honest with your H.V, I mean that from my heart.

If only I, and others could be so brave, I was too scared to tell anyone, years ago,

Well done

Hi everyone, just taken my first sertraline tablet. The HV is coming back on Tuesday to check in on how I'm doing and I have the doctors on wernesday for the 6 week checkup and the GP will discuss how I'm getting on with the tablets.

I just wanted to say, last night and this morning were the darkest parts of my life. The thoughts going through my head... I really did think everyone would be so much better without me.

I must have written out a post but discarded it every night this week and then last night I finally posted it. I don't think I'd have gone through with anything but there was a point that I've never been to before and it was incredibly scary.

I wouldn't have spoken to the HV or got help without your encouragement and advice. You have saved me. Thank you. There is now a glimmer of light at the end of this dark, horrendous tunnel.

I can't thank you enough for your support. I don't know what I'd have done without it. Honestly, thank you.

I'm so glad you posted and that your HV and GP have been so supportive.

Little steps now, take it a few hours at a time, post in here or phone your HV or GP if you're feeling wobbly.

The feelings won't go away overnight but little by little, the clouds will lift.

So pleased to see his update!! Well done OP!

You saved yourself, and don’t ever forget the bravery that it took.

Well done, and there and many many contented days ahead of you cxxxx

Sirlee66 well done you. ADs can make you feel a bit unusual at first but stick with it. And please please keep talking and posting. There will be women reading this, feeling exactly the same. Much love to you x

Oh OP I hate to think of other women going through it. It really is all consuming. You're strong and brave and the best mum your baby could ever want. When you're having negative thoughts just try to remember that. X

Sounds like PND

Please please read up on it and see a GP

It’s common and treatable

Well done for posting OP x

And OP I was very similar
No one really prepares us for this do they

Hugs to you. First of all, you are NOT a failure. You're experiencing post natal anxiety. I had this with my first. It was horrendous. I felt such intense love for her but the absolute constant fear and carastrophising ruined the early days. I would like awake each night scared to sleep in case she stopped breathing, I'd dread going out in case she caught something or a car hit us. I even remember watching out for cars getting too near the pavement when we were out walking. We too had trouble conceiving and I think it's the shear fear of what you've got being taken away together with the raging hormones and sleep deprivation.
It really does get better though. Please get some help. Tell someone close how you're feeling as well as a health care professional. The peri-natal mental health team were amazing with me.

I went on to have a second and have had a completely different experience and have loved it.

Hang in there OP. You've really got this