I'm not coping

[sirlee66]

I gave birth 5 weeks ago and I love him, I really do but I can't do this anymore

Its just so hard. He's a lovely baby but Im just such a utter failure. The birth was... well it happened... But the stay in hospital was horrendous. We got readmitted a day after discharge because he has low blood sugar due to me not producing enough any milk for him. He was on formula top ups because I failed him.

I feel like a prisoner. I can't go out because he's constantly feeding. I want to feel normal again. I want to feel like me again. I do love him but I worry constantly about him. I can't stop thoughts like what if I fall down the stairs holding him. What if he stops breathing. He's too hot. He's too cold. He's being sick too much. Formula is poisoning him. I've not sterlised his bottle properly. What if he crys too much, gets too hot and dies. When if a car runs into him. What if the cat smothers him... Its constant. There's no break. I picture a million ways he could die every minute and it makes me wish... I can't say it. But before I had him, I didn't have this constant worry and it was easier.

We tried for years for a baby and now it's finally here I'm wishing it away. I'm waiting for this phase to pass and to start enjoying it but I hate it. Its awful. I shouldn't be his mum. He's just so wonderful, I don't deserve him. We hardly leave the bedroom. He's missing out on the world because of me.

Somes days are better than others. Today is not a good day. I don't really want to be here anymore.

You're 5wks pp, are you still with the midwife or now the HV? Talk to them either way, tell them how you feel. They will help you. But remember, you are a first time mum so this is new to you. No one ever can explain what it's truly like being a FTM. Books make it look warm and fuzzy and it's not. Give yourself time, talk, get help and continue adoring your little boy.

My tummy turned over when I read this. I was exactly like this, with my first baby, it felt like a layer of me had been stripped off and I was vulnerable like never before, because I needed to protect DS from the million things that might hurt him!

My rituals included wiping trollies with antibacterial, sterilising ALL his toys in the bottle steriliser to the point that I blew the element, bleaching the bath, keeping a chart of how fast or slow he was breathing/feeding/weeing/poo colour, weighing my tits to work our how much milk he’d had, and having a huge screaming fit at my saintly husband because he refused to reassemble the Moses basket stand every time I went upstairs.

I was never diagnosed, and it got better, quite quickly. But it was utterly nerve shattering! I feel for you.

Hang in there sweetie and get some help. I was you once and it does get better and you are a fantastic mum. Remember - you don't need to be perfect - it's okay to be "good enough".

PND sufferer here - saw the GP got on meds and started to feel better quite quickly. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. I would advise getting help so that you can enjoy this time with your baby. It will get better but the doc might be able to help it happen sooner.

You haven't failed with feeding. Most babies are bottle fed and are healthy it feels like a big deal now because of the hormones but it really isn't a big deal. If you are part bfeeding part formula thats fab and I know loads of people who did that. You will find the time between feeds begins to increase after roughly six weeks so hang in there.

You say you can't get out but is there a sure start centre or group for new mums locally. If not what about baby groups like baby yoga or massage or something. Meeting mums with babies makes all the difference it really does. Remember though in the first 3 months the groups are for you not them. All they needs is cuddles, a smile, feeding and changing, they do not need to see the world you have 18 years to do everything you've dreamed of with your baby and you will feel yourself again soon. Look after yourself and do things for you. That may mean staying in the bedroom with books and box sets a lot of the time

My DD is 8 months now and I look back at those first six weeks and can't believe how tough I found them, its like I was a different person! Everything you have described is normal and no-one talks about it.

I've been there. It will get better it really will. This is coming from someone who cut the handles off the Moses basket so immobile three day old DS couldn't tangle himself in them

And this was with my third not first

Please go to your GP tomorrow, this sounds like pnd. You may need medication or mental health crisis support. I am a mental health nurse, don't keep suffering you need help.

Hello chick, totally totally normal to feel completely overwhelmed! This is the biggest change to your life you will ever face!

Huge congratulations to you- you are amazing. I'm so sorry for your traumatic birth, but here you are. You did it. And now you are a mother and you are an amazing woman for doing this.

These feelings will pass. It may take time, or maybe a little help from a partner or other support network. It can be really helpful to have a chat with your health visitor- they are there for you as well as the baby.

You are honestly going to be ok, it's a scary old time! Just let yourself relax into this new role- no pressure, no expectation. Remember that what you are doing is the most worthwhile thing anyone can do: Loving and caring for a new human being! Welcome to the World little one, and big hugs to you new mama. You are going to be ok xx

Lots of good advice here OP not sure what I can add other than to say be kind to yourself, there is nothing like the exhaustion you face when you have your first baby. What sort of support do you have? Can you try to get a full nights sleep by asking a partner or family member to help for one full night? I know it's not the complete solution but I know that with my first I needed a full uninterrupted 8 hours once a week to help me survive it and keep myself functioning.

Agree with the other posters too that an open conversation with your GP sounds like a good idea and if that feels too daunting to start maybe a close friend or partner. Sending you lots of love.

Hi OP. I've been there. It will get better, I promise.

Five/six weeks in was awful.

Things change really quickly. I found that once baby started to smile it felt a tiny bit less oppressive.

I did have quite severe PND and I would recommend talking to someone about it.

It's hard right now, but it'll get better, I promise.

It will get better. What you’re feeling is quite normal; newborns are bloody hard work. Hang on in there💐

Its fucking relentless isn't it? (excuse the language!)

I really hated those early weeks.

Do what ever you can to make it through. Don't worry about making it out and about until you're ready. Maybe see if you can make it out of the bedroom tomorrow - mooch on the sofa for the day.

I found my local children's centre when my DD was about 12 weeks and they were a lifesaver. I could wander there with my baby wearing a romper suit and get any info I needed. they'd hold her for me while I went to the loo etc.

Its very early days. Cut yourself some slack.

Thank you so much for replying. I don't feel so alone anymore.

The HV is coming tomorrow for his 6 week check so I'll speak to her then and let you know what she says.

Its just so awful I can't really put into words how bad it is but I think you all get it anyway. Its so confusing cause I really do love him but I just wish everything could go back to normal. Its like I've made a huge mistake by having him.

We do get it, what you're feeling is not uncommon. Horrible isn't it. The enormous change, the exhaustion and anxiety adds up to very high levels.

All the best for tomorrow's visit. Let us know how it goes. If you don't feel heard or that she "gets it", come back and we'll send you to GP.

I hope you are OK op. Google Intrusive Thoughts, there are lots of ways which you can help your brain rationalise. I still have those thoughts ten yrs on but not anywhere near the frequency you describe. It's pnd. Get an appt with your gp and don't delay. That will be your first step to recovery. And your baby won't know any different, he will love you as his mum and the most important person in his life, regardless of how you feel right now, or how you feed him. Keep posting op, I will always listen.

Have you read this OP, what you describe sounds exactly like what the person in this article went through:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/stories-43979225

I could have written your post. My birth didn't go well. My milk took a while to come in so we were sent back to hospital the day after discharge because DS had lost too much weight. I had to top up with formula for two weeks until my milk came in. And he would feed constantly and it drove me nuts.

Some advice: babies cluster feed in the early weeks to establish your supply and after a while they'll start feeding every couple of hours for shorter periods. Get comfy on the sofa and just watch tv while feeding. It isn't the end of the world if you have a few months of sofa time just resting, feeding and sleeping. Baby doesn't need to go out - he can't even see properly yet and is mostly interested in food and sleep. Plenty of time to go out when he's old enough to take an interest. He won't be little forever - just a few months then he'll be eating solids. And we all worry about our babies - I'm 40 and my mum admitted she still listens for me breathing when I sleep. It's part of being a mum!

What worked for me was to give myself the gift of six months to rest and come to terms with my new life. I don't worry about going out or doing anything other than taking care of me and my baby. No clinging on to "feeling like the old me". I accept that I'm a new Me and I've given myself space to explore that. I'm reclaiming my life and my body with joy - a few months in my cocoon to become a shiny new butterfly. Corny perhaps!

I remember looking at my new born thinking I could never feel completely unhappy again. Yes I got the baby blues and cried over little things but I didn't worry about her dying. Sounds like possible PHD please talk to your midwife.
Baby will be smiling and laughing soon and hopefully you can start to enjoy them more. Babies are quite tough you know.

I am a relatively new mum myself and also work for a mental health crisis team. Often it is the mums who have had very much wanted babies who struggle the most with the adjustment. It is bloody hard but you are not failing and have not failed at anything.

I spent about 3 weeks crying desperately trying to establish breastfeeding, feeling like not only had my body failed, but I was failing my baby. We supplemented with formula so that she was fed, and for my own mental state and I spent another few weeks beating myself up about it. She's now 9 months old, formula fed, eating like a demon and the most characterful of the babies I know.

A lot of what you're feeling to a certain degree is normal. This tiny little grenade has just been foisted into your life and relies on you for everything, the feeling of responsibility is not to be underestimated. The level of anxiety is not normal (as in it's not an acceptable level...not that you have done anything wrong) Confide in those employed to support you and be 100% honest. I hope they put in place the support you need.

I wrote an almost identical post last August.

I talked to HV in the end, got a referral to a local MH service and I'm still under medication and doing CBT, but life is millions times better now.

It's just so sad that no one really talks about these feelings- this triggers guilt and failure thoughts. People should be more honest, I now talk about this openly.

Get the help you deserve, it'll end soon.

Oh lovely lady, it will get easier... promise...

I had a tricky birth and he had similar trouble with feeding and sugar levels. I was constantly worried about his temperature and weight. I would take him to weigh-ins fearing the worst, that I would be told he is 'failing to thrive'. He had a tricky start but is 7 now and one of the biggest in his year group at school.

I think it's absolutely normal to have worrying thoughts, especially in the early days, it's all so overwhelming. Keep in mind the need to balance them out with the good though. You don't need me telling you to go to see your GP, talk to your partner, share the emotional load if you can.

Believe in yourself, you can do this, it's bloody hard, but you can do this. Newborns are tricky and demanding little monkeys! It's all possible lovely... xxxxx

Not all babies take to the breast. Discuss bottle feeding with DH and HV.
Women are put under so much pressure to be text book and I think that is wrong.
Go with what makes you all more relaxed.

I could have written this 18 months ago except I had twins, but at 5 weeks old only one of them was at home. Mine couldn’t latch and I felt like a complete failure so I pumped obsessively and still had to supplement, and I had dreadful postnatal anxiety, which I should have found help for but didn’t.

I can’t count how many times I thought this but we are still here and doing well. I promise you can do this.

They’re 5 weeks old so they’re not missing out on anything - all they need right now is you, your partner if you have one, and lots of cuddles, nappy changes and milk in whatever form.

I put way too much emphasis on bfing - I wept about it every day for months. If I could go back I’d realise it’s not as important as I felt it was at the time.

Please talk to someone professional about how you’re feeling. It won’t always be like this.

Please tell your gp or hv how you're feeling. It really sounds like pnd I had the same fear of something happening to my daughter too.
It's very early days, it will get better.

I have a 14 week old and really identify with where you are now, when I was there too. These feelings aren't uncommon at all, particularly if you have trouble TTC, have suffered from anxiety or depression before, or difficult pregnancy/birth etc. I was on medication for anxiety before pregnancy, and was put back on the same medication when my son was 10 weeks- it has helped dramatically. I struggle with a mixture of post partum depression and anxiety. That thing about not being sure if you did the right thing is, I think, more common than you think. Several of my friends confided in me that they felt that way, and I definitely did! I came to think it's because it IS overwhelming, you're still completely knackered 5 weeks in, they need you so much and you have no time for yourself, so it's a massive shift. Again, I already feel better now as they do start to become less needy fairly quickly, and it does get easier to get out and about. And as I realised myself after some weeks, you ARE doing a much better job as a Mum than you think.

Please do speak to HV and also GP though because you may benefit from some kind of treatment from the perinatal services. Good luck.