Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not coping

159 replies

sirlee66 · 31/05/2018 21:37

I gave birth 5 weeks ago and I love him, I really do but I can't do this anymore

Its just so hard. He's a lovely baby but Im just such a utter failure. The birth was... well it happened... But the stay in hospital was horrendous. We got readmitted a day after discharge because he has low blood sugar due to me not producing enough any milk for him. He was on formula top ups because I failed him.

I feel like a prisoner. I can't go out because he's constantly feeding. I want to feel normal again. I want to feel like me again. I do love him but I worry constantly about him. I can't stop thoughts like what if I fall down the stairs holding him. What if he stops breathing. He's too hot. He's too cold. He's being sick too much. Formula is poisoning him. I've not sterlised his bottle properly. What if he crys too much, gets too hot and dies. When if a car runs into him. What if the cat smothers him... Its constant. There's no break. I picture a million ways he could die every minute and it makes me wish... I can't say it. But before I had him, I didn't have this constant worry and it was easier.

We tried for years for a baby and now it's finally here I'm wishing it away. I'm waiting for this phase to pass and to start enjoying it but I hate it. Its awful. I shouldn't be his mum. He's just so wonderful, I don't deserve him. We hardly leave the bedroom. He's missing out on the world because of me.

Somes days are better than others. Today is not a good day. I don't really want to be here anymore.

OP posts:
itchyknees · 01/06/2018 20:19

Read the thread!!! She’s been the doc!!!

Washpot · 01/06/2018 20:36

OK itchyknees, I just read her post and wanted to respond as I knew exactly how this felt. Didn't realise there were so many posts. It was just a mistake - no need for your sharpness on what's been a really additive and helpful thread for the OP.

OP - so glad you've had done help and really hoping this is the beginning of a quick recovery for you. Wishing you all the best xx

Washpot · 01/06/2018 20:37

Supportive - not additive

MrsMaisel · 01/06/2018 21:14

Fantastic news OP, that's such a courageous thing to do - and very hard when you're in the darkest place. Take care of yourself, you're important, not just for the sake of your baby, but for you. I bet things will be a lot more manageable once the meds take effect.

balljuggla · 01/06/2018 21:45

OP, you are amazing Thanks It is not easy reaching out for help but you've done it.

I had my first baby in January and remember feeling utterly overwhelmed those first few weeks. We'd had a very bad experience with the hospital messing us around (traumatic failed induction which it transpired was never needed in the first place followed by a c-section) but we were both fine - I was just exhausted by the time she arrived! Nothing, nothing can prepare you for what it's like once they're born. Their vulnerability is so scary to deal with and the lack of sleep is brutal. The hormone crash is like falling into a ravine of anxiety and fear.

I don't drive and don't live within walking distance of a town, plus the weather was grim, so I barely left the house with DD until around six weeks ago. Babies don't care about this at all. DD is now four months old and a smiley, funny little character. They get stronger all the time which helps with the anxiety. I've had some massive wobbles at times, but it really does get easier. DD is combination fed as that's what works for us and she's fine. Breastfeeding can be so much harder than we're often led to believe! And even if it 'works', the cluster feeding early on can literally drive you mad.

Your honesty here will help other women in the future if they see this thread. Thank you for sharing how you feel. Please keep posting if it helps - we are all here to support you Smile xx

Fruitcorner123 · 01/06/2018 22:37

So happy you have seen someone and they've been supportive. I remember being where you are in the early weeks of the tablets, i used to take it every night and I can remember feeling each evening like I was one more step closer to normality. I almost felt that bit better just from the act of taking them. They say they start to kick in after about 10 days/2 weeks but you will find its gradual. The good news is that the hormones are also gradually getting back to normal too.

You will soon be enjoying your baby but take comfort in the fact that you have a lifetime of joy ahead of you with your DS. and you will be yourself again very soon. Flowers

agree please keep posting if it helps

Changerazelea · 01/06/2018 23:00

Please don't think this experience or these feelings are abnormal OP.

I felt exactly the same no one will tell you but having a newborn baby is a crisis situation which you just need to get through however you can and you will come out the other side.

Be kind to yourself talk to your DP about how you are feeling and take it one day at a time. In a few weeks you will look back and realise how much better you feel. Good luck.

peachgreen · 01/06/2018 23:03

Just don't be disheartened if the tablets make you feel a little bit worse before they make you feel better - it took mine maybe 4 weeks to start working and more like 8 to really make a huge difference. But it was SO worth it as it changed everything. Well done OP, you've been so brave.

BarbraDear · 01/06/2018 23:08

Glad you spoke to your HV and have got support from her and your GP. Just take it all a day at a time. And it WILL get better.

Keep posting here when you are feeling like it's not working/getting better. Lots of people have been exactly where you are and will help you get through this.

And congrats on your baby Flowers

MustShowDH · 04/06/2018 17:50

Hi OP,

Just wondered how you were doing?

It can take a while for medication to start working, but hopefully just knowing you're not on your own helps.

Original poster
sirlee66 · 05/06/2018 13:22

@MustShowDH thanks for checking up on me! Today and yesterday have been okay. Feel fairly down but able to function and coping fine with the baby on the sofa watching trashy telly and feeding.

Have started combi feeding - bought a perfect prep and so I'm now BF until I've had enough and will give formula when it's too much or early in the morning/before bed which DH gives so it's taken the pressure off a lot!

The weekend was awful. Think because I'd just started the tablets but I was getting shivers, being physically sick and just felt just total dread and dispare! sorry for being so dramatic! so really glad that's over and hoping not to feel like that again!

HV came back this morning. Shes been so lovely and really supportive. She's refered me for CBT and something called IAPT - not sure what that is so will have a Google later.

Looking forward to feeling more positive soon. I miss feeling happy. I used to be a very happy and positive person so it's sad not feeling good but hopefully that will change soon.

Thanks again for asking about me. It is really comforting to know I'm not the only one and people care.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 05/06/2018 13:38

We do care.
And you're not being dramatic at all.

SconNotScone · 05/06/2018 13:50

IAPT is the “improving access to psychological therapies” team, they provide talking therapies, and will probably offer you an assessment to make sure you get the best support available.

I really hope things get better for you soon. Stick with the medication, even if you eat some side effects to start with, as it can take a couple of weeks for things to settle (although of course if side effects continue, speak to the GP about it!), and keep taking them until a health professional tells you to stop!! All the best.

SconNotScone · 05/06/2018 13:51

Get side effects, not eat!! Blush

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 05/06/2018 13:57

Hi OP. This could have been me 20 years ago with my first. I was a nervous wreck and struggled to even get dressed before DH came home after work. I was able to breast feed but it was really hard - could only do it sitting up, stripped to the waist with him on a pillow so was embarssed to do it in front of anyone and feel like I spent weeks in a room just with him feeding. I am so not a worrier but I worried terribly about everything. He cried all the time and didn't sleep particularly well. So I want to reassure you, you are not alone, you are not a failure - just a normal new mum doing her best. It does get better I promise. Just see it out until things pick up - don't expect too much of yourself or your boy. It won't be forever. I had DD 3 years later and although I can't say I breezed through the early months, I was much better - up and showered every morning. At the time I couldn't believe how much I'd let the baby "dominate" my life but it was just me gaining confidence and adjusting. You will get there - heck in a few years time you'll be on here telling new mums what I am telling you! Good luck!

MustShowDH · 05/06/2018 16:20

Thanks for updating. Glad you're getting some RL support too.
You got this!

deluxetruffles · 05/06/2018 16:54

I have not read all the other post only your own so if it is similar to others, well so be it.

I wanted you to know that I had a very similar situation with my daughter. A couple of days after her (trauma) birth a midwife who came to our house to check on her said she was severely dehydrated and needed to get back to hospital asap. Cue a frantic time of getting her there, waiting for doctors to look at her and decide what to do, with midwives trying to get her to latch on to my breasts properly. I felt like a failure who had half killed her baby, I was exhausted having not slept for nearly three days and couldn't sit down because of an episiotomy. I was a f**king mess. Emotionally all over the place. She stayed in a couple of days and really all they could do was put her on formula. I was still pumping milk day and night because I felt like such a failure. However, the moment she went on to the formula she thrived (which is why I get cross at women and men sneering at mothers who have no other option but to formula feed). She had been a forceps birth and that can mess with the shape of the head and make it hard to suck the nipple apparently....
Anyway, it was a bloody traumatic start from birth to a few months old. Then at six months old, my marriage broke down. So you can imagine that can't you? My point being is that I now have a happy, top of her class, funny, wonderful 7 year old. Those feelings of despair and claustrophobia and feeling that life was awful and I was a bad mother, have completely gone. Those feelings don't last. The problem is that until you have a baby yourself you just don't understand what it is like in the beginning. This is a very difficult time for many women. Some women bung on a sling and go out a few hours after giving birth and some women (like me) take months to get themselves together and when they do venture out are nervy and worried. It doesn't make you a bad mother. So what if you stay in the house for 4 months. 4 months is nothing in the grand scheme of your life. But clearly you have some post natal depression and there are lots and lots of support groups for that now. If you are close to your Mum, tell her. Or a sister, or a friend, or a midwife. Tell your partner. You are not doing anything wrong and these feelings will pass (they always do) but in the mean time, you need to help yourself to not feel so hellish. You need to sleep and you need to eat. Small babies are a nightmare in my book. Thank God they grown into chubby gorgeous toddlers.

Remember "This too shall pass"

CheeseyToast · 05/06/2018 21:00

Deluxe I'm sure you mean well but wading into sensitive threads with "haven't read the posts but let me tell you all about myself" is very far from helpful.

The OP needs support, not a long list of other people's stories; she's sought help and is receiving it.

Dragongirl10 · 05/06/2018 21:07

Op l don't know if this helps.... but in the early days when l had tough days my DM used to say..

'just remember this stage is over very fast and it gets so much easier'

you do get your life back and start to feel like your old self again, you do get to go out and have fun again.

This is just a short intense stage of parenting and will be over before you know it.

You are doing just fine.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 05/06/2018 21:11

Cheesey
Everyone shares stories . Why pick on this poster Hmm

KellyMarieTunstall2 · 05/06/2018 21:12

Hi Op
I can empathize with you, I was the same with my 2nd born. I didn't seem help until he was 9 months old but eventually had CBT for the anxiety. I think it's caused by the sudden drop in hormones after the birth. Speak to your GP and nip it in the bud now. Take care

DameSquashalot · 05/06/2018 21:35

I felt like you did OP for about 18 months. I also had thoughts about losing control and harming my DD. I was too worried to get help because I thought they'd take DD away.

Please speak to a HCP. 💐

CheeseyToast · 05/06/2018 21:40

Stop shouting - pick? Or infirm? Because she waded in with "I'm not going to bother to read but hey let's talk about me" - so rude, so unhelpful, just clueless. Threads cannot progress with this sort of crap and I'm not the only one who is sick of it.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 05/06/2018 21:43

I see it that she shared her story of how it can get better. Just interpreted it differently that’s all

Fruitcorner123 · 05/06/2018 21:43

DameSquashalot she has sought help.

OP be reassured you will feel better soon. It won't take 18 months because you have got help and have started your medication. It sounds like your health visitor is great, keep seeing her and when you feel like it get yourself to groups and meet other mums. I really found that helped me.