I'm not coping

[sirlee66]

I gave birth 5 weeks ago and I love him, I really do but I can't do this anymore

Its just so hard. He's a lovely baby but Im just such a utter failure. The birth was... well it happened... But the stay in hospital was horrendous. We got readmitted a day after discharge because he has low blood sugar due to me not producing enough any milk for him. He was on formula top ups because I failed him.

I feel like a prisoner. I can't go out because he's constantly feeding. I want to feel normal again. I want to feel like me again. I do love him but I worry constantly about him. I can't stop thoughts like what if I fall down the stairs holding him. What if he stops breathing. He's too hot. He's too cold. He's being sick too much. Formula is poisoning him. I've not sterlised his bottle properly. What if he crys too much, gets too hot and dies. When if a car runs into him. What if the cat smothers him... Its constant. There's no break. I picture a million ways he could die every minute and it makes me wish... I can't say it. But before I had him, I didn't have this constant worry and it was easier.

We tried for years for a baby and now it's finally here I'm wishing it away. I'm waiting for this phase to pass and to start enjoying it but I hate it. Its awful. I shouldn't be his mum. He's just so wonderful, I don't deserve him. We hardly leave the bedroom. He's missing out on the world because of me.

Somes days are better than others. Today is not a good day. I don't really want to be here anymore.

My love, I feel for you and experienced every single one of these difficult, frightening and worrying emotions.

You have not failed him. You really haven't.

However, you are sad and anxious and you need support. Please talk to your HV and / or your GP.

The first few weeks of motherhood were horrendous for me - I felt miserable and a failure and struggled with the constant feeding (sore nipples and exhaustion) and lack of sleep.

I really do understand. My screaming baby who I felt I failed is now 15 and a proper, sarky teen but much more lovable than he was as a newborn!

For me the first few months are always horrible. I get a lot of anxiety in the beginning, so i don't breastfeed. My husband has to help me out too, it doesn't make me less of a good mother though because my boys love me to death. But it can feel super overwhelming at first. Everyone will tell you that it gets better, and its true.
I am always worried about them too and they do come home with scraps and bruises. But its helps me be a better mother and I recognize that. I make sure the bottles are properly sterilized. i make sure the seat is buckled right. I have cameras in my house to watch the babysitter. I am not ignorant to the dangers of the outside world.
Your probably a great mom, but feel inadequate. thats okay. your child will get easier to take care of and will be more fun in a few months.

Right now, my 2 year old is starting to say phrases, numbers and letters. It is so cute, makes the stresses worth it.

I had exactly this and used to be awake at 5am wondering about everything and washing up half listening to the world service. I told the health visitor and she told me as long as I wasn't thinking those things and smiling, it was completely normal.

It's an utterly overwhelming feeling of responsibility and, I would say, completely natural. This passed for me at 6-8wks. I hope yours does too.

Oh my god your post brought it all back, exactly how I felt 17 years ago when ds1 was that age. It was relentless - the lack of sleep, the fear, the feeling that I couldn't do this. I eventually went for counselling when he was 6 months old, but should have gone a lot sooner.

Be kind to yourself, and please get help. You're not a failure - it's the shock of having your life turned upside down, your hormones and lack of sleep all combining to make you feel like this.

I felt exactly like this. And so did most mums I know. People just don’t talk about it. It’s almost like a bereavement, only it’s the person you were and the life you had that’s died. And like with all bereavements, the grief gets less with time.

Aww you are not a failure! I could have written this when my DS was 5 weeks old too ☹️ It’s an awful feeling. I urge you to speak to your health visitor (or equivalent) as pp’s have said, it’s hard to admit to yourself but it could be PND, and hopefully this is something they can help you with.

He’s only five weeks old, please don’t worry he is missing out on the world, because YOU are his world! 😊 getting out and about does get easier eventually, try not to put too much pressure on yourself and find yourself a good few box sets of something to watch while the endless feeding is happening (they do speed up, eventually! I thought I’d never leave the house ever again....!), and make sure to have a little me time every day xxx

I feel for you, but I promise it will get easier.
Sadly my personal circumstances meant it never ever got easier, but for most it honestly does.

I had exactly the same thing Post Natal Anxiety is very common but I had never heard of it. Please speak to your hv or gp. Take care xxxx

It will get easier
I used to have the same thoughts - what if I fell getting out of the shower and knocked myself out, what if I fell down the stairs, what if a car mounted the pavement when I was pushing the pram etc etc

Those hormones drive us mad but it will settle down, and it will all start to click into place

Do you have any local friends who you can talk to? Don't bottle it up. It's really cathartic to vent

Please talk to someone. Speak to your GP, your midwife, your health visitor. I'm sure you are doing a fine job, it's very normal to think youre not, but it is absolutely not normal to think that you don't want to be here anymore - that is almost certainly PND talking, and you deserve support for your own sake and your baby's. You don't have to feel this way, and with help, you won't have to much longer. X

Oh sweetheart, many many women on here know exactly what you're going through. I was in your position after my first baby. It is horrendous. I wanted to die, I'd never known tiredness like it. I was overwhelmed with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, regret, guilt and misery.

Please, please speak to your GP and Health Visitor. You need help. I was diagnosed with PND and was admitted to a mother and baby unit for a month. There are lots of different ways to tackle this. Let people help you. And keep posting. We are here for you.

What do you feel you need right now?

It;s ok OP.
You've just gone from maternity leave to a 24/7 job. It's utterly exhausting and a bit like torture because of the sleep deprivation and never having a break.
This intensity won't last long, I promise. You will sleep again. You will go out again one day. You will feel like yourself again one day, only better.
Now baby is having some formula, does it mean you can have a bit of a break/ sleep?
I'd like to say "look after yourself" but it;s genuinely not always possible in the first few weeks. Just be proud of yourself because you are completing the hardest challenge of your life and every ounce of weight that your baby puts on, is down to you, whether it's from breast milk or bottle.
Well done!

I had this when my children were born. It got so bad one day that I admitted to a health visitor that I was having awful thoughts about harming my children or just leaving them in a trolly in Tesco and walking away. I was so embarrassed of having these feelings. The health visitor made a Dr appointment that day and he diagnosed Postnatal OCD and said it was common after birth.

When you read about it it makes sense and you're not going crazy. The responsibility of having a baby is huge. I did a course of CBT which explained things a bit better and gave me ideas of how to cope with the intrusive thoughts.

It does get easier. I think it can be harder when it's something you've waited a long time for, the expectations are so high.

If BF is really important to you then feel free to ignore me but I'll say this. Feeding, when things are not going smoothly, can be incredibly draining and stressful. If you switch to FF you might find there's a lot less pressure on you, your hormones have a chance to rebalance, and there's more chance for you to get a break. Of course the baby's health matters but so does yours, and that includes your mental health. If FF is what you need to do to stay well then just do it. The baby will be fine.

Please talk to someone about how you are feeling.

I remember feeling like I couldn't cope at all. It was a relentless slog and there was no end in sight. Feeding was a disaster (quit within 2 weeks), no sleep, then reflux, no family to help, difficult relationship with my husband, who wanted me to keep breastfeeding and belittled me when I said I thought I need to see a doctor about PND. I was honestly close to a breakdown. Then I saw a doctor, got some anti-depressants, and the clouds cleared. I turned out to be a great mother, than you very much - honestly the first weeks can be extremely hard, but you WILL NOT feel like this forever. Do not give up. Get help - speak with a doctor and get practical help with the baby so you can get some rest. Breastfeeding is not the be all and end all, if it's getting you down just STOP.

Roseblossom

You sound like you are suffering from anxiety. Worrying about everything is how it manifests. I think what might be good for you is to chat to a doctor/health visitor. It honestly does improve. I have been there. Don't bottle it up.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like that. Please speak to your midwife, health visitor or GP as soon as possible. And if bf is getting too much, switch to ff so you can get out and about.

Oh I'm sending you massive hugs. You sound exactly like me after both deliveries. I had diagnosed pnd after my second. I couldn't breastfeed. Both experiences were stressful for different reasons. You're not a failure. You're amazing. What you've done is really hard. I spent the first six months of my twins life crying and hating myself. They are 18 months now and I am happy. And I know I'm a good mum. I now realise I felt like crap because ( deep breath I'm going to say it) I don't like new born babies. They are such hard work. And so vulnerable they make me anxious. Hang in there lovely, get to a gp and talk about pnd ( they won't judge you, and the drugs DO work) and trust me it'll all be different in a few months. The new born phase in my experience ( I have a 20 year old so I've done the lot!) Is far and away the shittest phase of being a parent. Love and hugs to you xx you aren't unusual in your feelings xxx

You’re not a bad mum, you’re hormones all over the place and it does sound like PNA/D.

Talk to a health professional tomorrow. They will help you.

I hope these supportive posts are helping you, you sound so overwhelmed.

I think a big part of how you're feeling is to do with having to wait so long to have your baby. You wanted a baby so badly, now they're here and you are perhaps expecting to feel elated but of course the reality is that it's incredibly challenging going through labour, birth, and transitioning to parenthood. The anxiety, exhaustion... heck the reality is nothing like what we pictured. And for you there is that layer of grief for all the anxiety and sadness you experienced trying for your baby. It is totally understandable. People around you may not understand, they may assume you are blissed up, but it is not at all uncommon for the grief to hit home when the baby arrives.

First of all - birth can be very traumatic so if you found it terrifying/agonising etc, do not be shy to speak up. You may need a good debrief with a midwife, or failing that, a counsellor.

Secondly - you are not "failing". It is not at all uncommon to have trouble getting started with breastfeeding, and for many mothers, it's straight to formula. Please don't let this ruin your baby days. The baby needs feeding, the how is really not the most important thing.

And finally - new babies are terrifying! It's absolutely normal to live in a state of high arousal worrying if we've accidentally smothered/starved/frozen them to death. But I promise that this will pass.

One day at a day. Just keep feeding, keep changing the nappy, keep snuggling - and try not to expect much more from these early days. It is not unusual to struggle to find time to shower or get dressed. It is not unusual for the housework to go undone (though this can feel very stressful for some).

xxx

You are not a failure just because you have to give him formula...if that were the case then I'm a failure twice over as unable to bf 11y/o when he was born and then defo not able to feed 8m/o when she was born. I am not a bloody failure I am doing whatever is needed to keep my kids alive.
Go to your docs and or HV, you need support; only brave people actually realise this and ask for help. I have learnt this through many years of therapy (severe MH probs). You are brave and you will keep getting up every morning to look after little one and yourself and it will become easier less worrisome (til they become teenagers and that is a whole nother nightmare!)
I have been the same, I am still beating myself up that I am in a wheelchair and I can't take dc2 to mother and baby groups and it feels like dc1 has lost 3 years of his life because of my limitations. However I know that I can start to make it better from now (hip replacement 5 weeks ago so now out of wheelchair).
You do need to stop beating yourself up and just enjoy the baby, cuddle up and try to rest your mind.
Sorry I know this is a bit garbled but I really really want to tell you that you aren't alone and you will make it.

I could have posted this, OP. The first two months of my baby's life were hell. I wanted to die every day. Genuinely. The only reason I didn't is because my husband stayed at home with me to make sure I never got the chance.

I also pictured a thousand ways my baby could die. Sometimes they were so visceral it was like I could see them happening. Sometimes I even felt like I wanted it to happen just so I could stop thinking about it all the time. And then I felt a million times worse for feeling that way. I regretted having her so much it physically hurt.

I was sick. I had severe PND. The intrusive thoughts were one of the symptoms. I was almost hospitalised but the team agreed to treat me at home. I was put on the maximum dose of fluoxetine and met with a psychiatrist or therapist in my home every day. It saved my life.

My wee girl is now 4 months old and I love her more than life. She is perfect and she brings me infinite joy. I can hardly believe I ever felt the way I did, it's so bizarre to me. And yet it was such a short time ago. PND is such a cruel illness but it's so treatable. I thought I would never get better and now it's like it never happened. Please seek help. It works, and nobody will judge you or take your baby away. You can and will feel better and learn to love and enjoy your baby the way you so desperately want to.

You’re a great Mum! You worry about your child! I was in a similar shoes like you and was always worried about dd. I used to take her to the doctor or a health visitor at least once a week. Then once I said to my doctor: I’m so sorry bringing dd here so many times but I worried about her. Her answer was: We worry about mothers who don’t worry! So It just clicked and I understood that it’s normal. So please please don’t worry about that it’s not normal because it is. Just give yourself some time to adjust. It’s not easy to look after a little person 24/7. Do you get much support from your DH? Hope you’re feeling much better soon.🌺

I really hope you're reading some of these lovely replies.
A tiny baby is hard. You sound like you have had a traumatic birth and a tough start. You need support.